My reality has been shattered...

R

roslin

New member
This feels so profound but no one else seems to understand. No one else seems to get the Gravity. Maybe because I’m not good at expressing myself and am awful at voicing things.
For ease of reference:
Me (22)
my primary boyfriend(28)=BA
my secondary boyfriend(30)=BB
secondary boyfriends primary girlfriend(29)=BBG
my ex fiancé(32)=X
my ex's girlfriend(17)=XG

I don’t know where to start. I was miserable, sad all the time and fighting and walking on eggshells. And I thought it was all my fault, all the issues. I was just inadequate or something. I would try bringing up issues and X would talk to me and act guilty and start hating himself, but by the end of the fight I was always convinced it was all my fault and my hatred of myself grew. I met BB and he was wonderful and X agreed to me dating BB, but then he passive aggressively punished me for it constantly. Seeing BB and BBGs relationship... They were wonderful, so kind and caring. They loved each other and were so honest and open. I wanted that. In less than a year they had more love and trust than me and X ever had, they had a healthy relationship... And I didn’t know what that felt like. Have never known what it felt like. So I started seeing how miserable I was, and the fighting got worse. And finally I left. I moved into my own place with what little was mine. I left anything shared with X. everyone I had been social with In the last 5 years, which is all X’s friends because that’s all I was allowed to interact with, hate me for leaving. I was alone and friendless, I had BB still but we don’t get to see each other much or talk much. I happened to meet BA a little bit later. I had never dealt with someone so kind. So sweet. And we have been dating for a while now. X has been trying to be friends still, and much more, asked to be fuck buddies when I said we can’t start dating again. I said no, I didn't want to be used for sex, not that I’m against FWB but in this case it wasn’t something I was ok with. Recently, like the 20th I did laundry at his place, I don’t have a washer and I got to see the boy that’s been calling me mom for 5 years. X was on the phone with a girl the whole time, acted really sketchy when I asked who. He made a big deal out of us being friends so I have to tell him everything about everything. This requirement apparently did not extend to him, I was just told that she was nobody, just a friend that nothing would ever happen with. I dropped it. I was upset at being shut out. By some crazy chance XG crossed my path the other day, turns out she is who X has been talking to. Turns out they have been having sex since beginning of November and she thought they were dating. She’s a sweet girl and reached out to me over other stuff but we got to talking. I never saw any of it before, I was blind, I couldn’t see the manipulation and lies and mental abuse. I had believed I was wrong and bad and at fault. I still have trouble believing I’m not... Listening to this girl talk. Hearing all the same things happen to her. It was like finally waking up, like I had been brainwashed or had something similar to Stockholm... I can’t explain it, it was terrifying and painful and.., peaceful... I could see finally. He had been lying about everything. To both of us. He had been having sex with her and hiding her and telling people bad things about us both. I feel like I’m not explaining well and maybe not giving the right importance to this. It feels like such an overwhelming huge thing to me and I can’t even explain why.

I just feel shattered now. How do I trust? How do I trust my reality? How do I trust anyone? How do I trust Myself? I feel so WEAK. Pathetic and blind. How could I let this happen to me? When did I become a woman that lets someone abuse her? I feel so broken and fucked up. I’m trying so hard lately to get rid of my self-hatred but I’m struggling.
 
It IS like being brainwashed/stockholm. You are not crazy. You have been in a toxic situation. It will take time to heal.

I am glad you were able to leave your abuser to a home of your own. Leaving physically is a big first step. Now you get to finish the leaving. Please consider severing all ties -- so you can become more able to leave mentally, emotionally. Wash your clothes somewhere else.

Don't try to be "friends." He is not safe to be around. It gives him access to keep messing with your head, pull on heart strings via his kid, etc.

Don't get involved with his present GF. It might sound mean, because she's being abused too from the sound of it. But she needs appropriate support form the right people. You are not that person. You have your own leaving to complete. Not another load to carry.

Please consider getting a counselor. If cost is an issue, consider calling a women's shelter and ask if they have free classes for abuse recovery, healthy dating, and so on. Sometimes they hold those in shopping malls and other places with a community room.

I don't know if http://speakoutloud.net could help any.

I hope you can finish leaving him. Keep doing it! I hope the 17 yr old is able to escape him also.

I am so sorry you had/have to deal in this. You have value, worth, and dignity.

Galagirl
 
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You need to go somewhere else, and to find a place that is away from him and that circle of people. Someplace to start over -- and where hopefully there is a support system you can use, like counseling. You can do it. You are not broken - you are strong. Look how you were able to say no to X when he wanted to continue the relationship! That is strength.

Whenever you start telling yourself that you are weak, pathetic, and blind, don't believe it - instead, remind yourself how you said no to X. Master manipulators like X are very good at manipulating and lying. Don't dwell on wondering how, why, etc. Remind yourself that now is the time to start a new life. You have value and worth! You were open to good things, and so you met BA and BB! Keep moving forward!
 
I think you explained yourself perfectly. Your X is an abuser and a manipulator. You finally figured this out.

Just try and remember that all men are not him. I know that may be easier said then done. It wasn't your fault. But maybe now you are better equipped to recognize that behavior in others.

You should make every effort to stay away from him.
 
Don't forget, he had a long time to slowly increase his level of control and abuse under the guise of building a relationship. It is not your fault that you did not expect what probably started out as a fun relationship to be converted to something awful. You naturally assumed he was a decent person. He no doubt put effort into seeming so at the beginning. Think of yourself as having escaped the Titanic. You are going to feel frightened, angry, sad, and things that were important to you had to be left behind, but you got yourself into a lifeboat moving toward safety.

Trust in others and in yourself will come with time as you find yourself able to make better choices. You can now recognize the signs of this type of abuse and know how insidiously it can be built up. If you look about here and online in general, you will find other smart, strong people who have woken to find themselves captive to such a relationship. Sometimes more than once! There is no shame for you in it.


If I was in your place I would be thinking of calling child protective services not only for his child but for his new girlfriend, if 17 is still a minor where you live. Doing something for the young people he is currently abusing can help you as well. Stay away from him though, confronting him, or even interacting with him could be dangerous for you.

Leetah
 
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I have blocked him, changed my passwords again just in case, stopped talking to him and have no intention of being around him. I even talked to my mom so she knew what was going on and wouldn’t be a way for him to get in contact with me.
He doesn’t have custody of his kid and she’s legal here. She sounds like she is going to be leaving him. I admit I kind of wanna keep talking to her, she’s one of the few people to talk to me and be friendly in a long time. And I have trouble being cruel and just up and disappearing on people. It’s not fair. Do you really think that it would be better if I didn’t talk to her?
I have an app for a therapist... it’s just a big daunting task on a long list of to dos atm.
I really appreciate your replies. It helps so much to hear from others. I don’t feel as alone or crazy. Like it gives more substance for me to stand my ground on. Thank you so much. I’m glad I posted here. My mom’s being really supportive to, she said she’s proud of me. X has been telling people I think he is manipulative, abusive and a liar so mutual friends have been asking me to explain why I think that. It’s just so hard, it doesn’t feel like there’s enough there to explain to someone not in the situation. But I also feel insulted that they expect me to explain myself to them.
I feel like I am Finally Free and have no interest in going back to that. I don’t want him in my life at all. I feel guilty about his kid but everyone keeps saying I need to protect myself now.
 
Good for you! You made appt with counselor!

I am glad you told your mom -- both for support and so he doesn't try to access you through her.

I think you could not talk to the 17 yr old for a while. Be sure she really leaves and stabilizes first. Because at 17 -- she could go back and forth. Protect yourself. You don't want him to access you or data about you through her. You both are trying to leave an abuser. Get out from under his shadow first. It's is NOT cruel to be worried about your own self first. It is necessary right now.

X has been telling people I think he is manipulative, abusive and a liar so mutual friends have been asking me to explain why I think that.
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No JADE. You do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain anything to anybody. Save your energy to paddle your own boat. If you want to say anything -- could say "Yes. I think those things. He was abusive to me in private while being another way to others in public. I dumped him. Don't ask me again. Please don't tell my abuser anything about me. Please respect my limits."

If these friends cannot respect your boundaries, dump them too. He doesn't need to access data about you through them.

I feel like I am Finally Free and have no interest in going back to that. I don’t want him in my life at all.
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Good for you!

I feel guilty about his kid but everyone keeps saying I need to protect myself now
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Talk to counselor about the kid at your appointment. Your counselor can advise you how to report or not report and you don't have to feel guilty about that.

Galagirl
 
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That’s a good idea on how to explain to them. I don’t know who is and isn’t respecting my boundaries right now. Turns out a lot of people have been talking about me being a hoe and a cheating whore.
 
Hi roslin,

I think the important thing is that you are distancing yourself from your ex. Keep doing that as much as possible. Don't be his friend! Don't accept any favors from him.

I hope you find some healing in the months ahead.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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