My wife isn't poly, my friend isn't poly, but I love both

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NowIKnow

New member
I know in my heart I'm polyamorous because I truly do love my wife. I also love being around and spending time with my best friend, but she too is not polyamorous.

Would I like to have sex with both? Yes. Either individually, or both at the same time, but for the fact that my wife nor my friend are not poly, I do not pursue those desires.

I've been open and honest with both of them about my love for each. I only have sex with my wife though. Does sex have to be involved with a third person for me to consider myself poly?
 
Polyamory means multiple loves - at the same time. Sex is but one way of expressing that love.
 
Being poly doesn't necessarily mean you are "doing" poly. There are people who are poly (love more than one) on here who have chosen to DO monogamy for any number of reasons.
 
NowIKnow said:
I've been open and honest with both of them about my love for each. I only have sex with my wife though. Does sex have to be involved with a third person for me to consider myself poly?
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I'm of the opinion that anyone can consider themselves anything, and it's no one else's place to dictate whether the label really applies. So by that logic, you can consider yourself poly based on any criteria that you believe fits.

If you believe in your heart than you are poly, then you are poly.
 
Sounds poly isn't the real question

what we need to know is how close is your wife with your friend? If they aren't engaged in each other's life, and the only way they are really connected is due to their relationship with you, that sounds like a Vee configuration

If you had the courage to tell both your wife and your friend, and they both understand what honesty and respect means and choosing to behave in those ways regarding relationships (ie neither of them has let their relationship with you be significantly changed)

than I say you are all three poly, you just only have sex with your wife,

but I may be the only one to see things that way, and technically there is a reason why, I think it is because too many people have some mistaken ideas about love, and if your friend and your wife accepted you sharing your feelings but trust you enough to not let it affect their relationship with you, proves they have a good idea about what love means to them

so in regards to the three yous and your understanding of Love, yes you are all flaming polyamorists, but if you mention that to anyone else but me, it's likely they will assume that you are having sex with more than just your wife.

as poly as a word, to most carries the meaning of loving more than one person and sex is a way you physically express your love with the people who accept your love and offer their own love of you, for you to accept.

in short, most people understand "poly" to mean more than one relationship that includes love and sex

yet I believe that love, respect, and the practice of honesty betters aligns the meaning carried by the word "polyamory" or "poly (in regards to relationships)" than love and sex aligns
 
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To me, "polyamorous" means you have the desire/capacity to love more than one at a time.

So you love your wife and your friend. Great. You are polyamorous. You state they are not polyamorous. They sound monoamorous to me.

Your wife and friend may be fine with you sharing how you feel. But that doesn't mean they feel the same way back, or want to be in a poly relationship with you as a hinge. So at this point in time, your wife loves you and is married to you. Your friend is your friend.

You are a married polyamorous person that has a crush on friend. Both your friend and wife are aware of that. Both are monoamorous.

Sex doesn't have to be involved at all. A polyamorous person could be single and not sexually active and still have the desire/capacity to love more than one.

Galagirl
 
I don't really understand what you're asking.

Are you poly? Sounds like it. You do not have to be actively involved with anyone to be poly. It is your orientation.

I am poly; my husband and boyfriend are both monogamous.
 
GalaGirl said:
To me, "polyamorous" means you have the desire/capacity to love more than one at a time.

So you love your wife and your friend. Great. You are polyamorous. You state they are not poly -- they sound like they are monoamorous to me.

Your wife and friend may be fine with you sharing how you feel. But that doesn't mean they feel the same BACK or want to be in a poly relationship with you as a hinge... your wife loves you and is married to you. Your friend is your friend.

You are a married polyamorous person that has a crush on friend. Both friend and wife are aware of that. Both are monoamorous.

Sex doesn't have to be involved at all. A polyamorous person could be single and not sexually active and still have the desire/capacity to love more than one.
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Ouch! I hate the idea of it just being a crush. I've known my friend for 7 years now and it just seems every year we've become closer friends.

... There could be some truth here. Maybe I'm mistaking infatuation for love. I've done that before in my younger years. I'd like to think I'm not making that same mistake again.

I've resigned myself to accepting that we will just be friends. I truly do want my friend to find that person she is looking for... and I know it is not me.
 
NowIKnow said:
Ouch! I hate the idea of it just being a crush. I've known my friend for 7 years now and it just seems every year we've become closer friends.

... There could be some truth here. Maybe I'm mistaking infatuation for love? I've done that before in my younger years. I'd like to think I'm not making that same mistake again.

I've resigned myself to accepting that we will just be friends. I truly do want my friend to find that person she is looking for... and I know it is not me.
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Are you sure? How can you be so sure? Why are you here? This is a poly site. We are people who are having relationships with multiple loves. Having multiple loves and figuring out a way to deal with this in real life is what we do.

Do you want her to find "that person" because everyone can only have one person?

I think you are having conflicting thoughts and feelings. Which is normal- just own it! :)
 
NowIKnow said:
... There could be some truth here. Maybe I'm mistaking infatuation for love. I've done that before in my younger years. I'd like to think I'm not making that same mistake again.
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I would do some thinking on what this distinction means to you, and if it means what you intend it to mean.

I love my ex, AD. She and I dated for a few years. when I was in my twenties. We have been reacquainted and have become friends, but she is not poly-friendly, so it can't go anywhere. However, I love her very much. When I see her, she melts me, and I am taken back to a place very precious to me. Now, am I going to date her and live with her? Oh no, that would end horribly. But I love her very much. The fact that she and I will probably never live together doesn't change the fact that I love her, nor does it lessen the validity of my feelings.

I mention this because it might serve you to be a bit more precise in what you are looking for, and a bit less dismissive of your feelings. Infatuation is just a part of love, in my opinion, a monumentally important aspect of it. So is comfort and quiet, so is sexual passion, so is sharing interests and goals. I don't need to have all of the aspects of love realized for it to be considered romantic love.
 
I subscribe to love theory.

Your friend isn't polyamorous. It doesn't seem like, from the original post, that she returns your feelings. So there's no two-way romance between you. There's no commitment built there at this time, either. To me, it seems like the only other corner left to park it at this time is the "infatuation" corner. That's a crush, to me. I didn't mean it in a mean or minimizing way. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a crush-- for years, even! They are awesome. :) But if that's as far as this one can go, then that's as far as this one can go. Limit reached.

I've resigned myself to accepting that we will just be friends. I truly do want my friend to find that person she is looking for... and I know it is not me.
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Sounds reasonable then. Keep enjoying the crush to yourself, and focus on being her friend.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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NowIKnow said:
I know in my heart I'm polyamorous because I truly do love my wife. I also love being around and spending time with my best friend. but she too is not polyamorous.

Would I like to have sex with both? Yes. Either individually, or both at the same time, but for the fact that my wife nor my friend are not poly, I do not pursue those desires.

I've been open and honest with both of them about my love for each. I only have sex with my wife though. Does sex have to be involved with a third person for me to consider myself poly?
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I'd say that although you may well be polyamorous, this setup isn't polyamory, simply because there is the absence of consent. Your friend hasn't agreed to be in a romantic union with you with the understanding that you (at least) will be having other romantic, loving relationships as well as the one you have with her. It has nothing to do with having sex with your friend, it's just that polyamory is about multiple romantic relationships, and you are not in a romantic relationship with your friend.
 
If you consider yourself polyamorous, I find it interesting you use the phrase "the one." I suppose I could call my spouse "the one" because I love him and I'm married to him, we have children together, we share a home, we are committed to staying together. But if you purely mean that emotions-wise, I also love and am committed to my boyfriend. So there is not a "one."

If no one is poly, and nothing can happen, I have to agree with earlier posters-- it's a crush and you move on.

I'll admit, I crushed pretty hard on BF before asking my spouse to be poly, but I asked for the whole kit and kaboodle, and I already knew BF was down for it. He's married and also poly.
 
It is perfectly possible for you to be poly and in a relationship with two people who are mono - there are many examples out there of so-called "mono/poly" relationships. I know, because I am in one. They take more work, but *can* work - my relationship configuration has been stable, now, for over 5 years.

Over the years I have felt a romantic affection for several of my friends. Some subtle conversations indiciated that poly wouldn't be something they would even consider, and I dropped any idea of ever having anything with these people.
 
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