My wife moved out last night

I

ilovestrawberries

New member
Mutual decision. We tried to hang out after two days apart but the tension was too high. She keeps getting "triggered" and gets all weird and silent and tense and I can't handle it.

This basically isn't even about polyamory anymore...it's about me deciding I'm going to take care of my own needs and not pander to her mental conditions and ridiculous accommodation requirements that squish who I am. I just can't do it. And I also told her I can't be her caretaker anymore.

So we decided she should go to her condo and we should not see each other for a while. I handed over all of her medications (scary, because I had to manage them due to her recurring suicidality), and sent her off in an Uber.

I feel relieved and free. She is someone with Borderline Personality Disorder who refuses to acknowledge that those symptoms are the reason she behaves the way she does and that it's affecting how she relates to people. She thinks all people are bad and "mean", but it's HER.
 
Regardless of what problems you and your wife are having, it might be a good idea to call a friend of hers that wouldn't mind checking in on her. If your wife has been suicidal in the past, making sure she is safe should be the priority.
 
There is someone there...her ex still lives at the condo but they also work during the day like I do. My wife does not work, so she's home alone all day. But at least someone will be there in the evenings for now.

The thing is, her therapist AND mine have told me that it's not my responsibility to "keep her alive". I adjusted my life SO MUCH for her, completely neglecting my own needs in the process until I was miserable.

Of course I do still love her, but I cannot be responsible for what she does. I cannot manage her life from afar. She has to learn to be responsible for herself and stop using people.
 
Your therapists are correct. Each is responsible for their own life. You cannot stop her from suicide. Only she can, because it is her hand holding the weapon. (whatever method she is likely to employ.)

It is ok to reach your limit and walk away. If you are no longer her next of kin as spouse, and she is wonky, could alert her therapist/next of kin this is where it is at. Then step back and let it be what it will be. No longer your stuff.

I mean all that kindly. :eek:

I can see from your other posts that it's not been an easy journey for you emotionally.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
Yeah, it's been hard.

Technically we are still married, but for my own sanity, I can't be responsible for her.

She has therapy today so I trust she'll work out her own issues I guess.
 
I've been there. and ultimately, I had to make the same choice. I simply don't have the strength to keep someone alive. That is too great a burden for someone to have to deal with. It's a place I'm standing on the precipice for once again, if in a different way.

Ultimately, I am responsible for my own health and happiness, and if that is in jeopardy, I'm in no position to take care of anyone else. I'm responsible for myself, and my children who cannot care for themselves. I will support anyone who needs it, but the final responsibility for their choices lie with them.
 
Hi ilovestrawberries,

BPD can be a really difficult condition to live around. Based on what I've read in this thread, I think you made the right decision.
 
Hi strawberries. I just reread some of your threads, and read those ones I'd missed while away on vacation...

I did not see you mention your wife was a transwoman until now. Nor did I see you mention her having Borderline Personality Disorder, just PTSD! Wow, that is a lot to deal with.

I feel empathy for you, since my gf miss pixi is a transwoman, and 22 years my junior. (I'm almost 59, she's 37). And while she does not have BPD, she has been in therapy and on antidepressents for over 5 years for anxiety disorder. She's been bullied and raped in the past as well.

One of my adult daughters has BPD. She was born different, the syndrome didn't come from how she was raised, or specific traumas. She was a high needs baby and child and started exhibiting bulimia, substance abuse, self harming, OCD and bipolar behavior in her early teens. Now she is 26 and her father and I are holding our breath, she seems to be finally showing improvement after 11 years of therapy, psych wards, rehab and sober homes. She was even a street prostitute for a while, getting money for her crack addiction, so it's amazing. She's found Jesus (as a pagan/atheist this wouldnt work for me, but it seems to be helping her), she got married to a calm guy who seems crazy about her and calm enough to help her stability, and she is now happily pregnant.

I am not sure how old your wife is, but I do feel that age 27-30 can be a turnaround point for sensitive types like my daughter and your wife. It's a make it or break it time.

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? It's a book written partly by people with BPD, a sort of how to book for their friends and family on how to draw boundaries and stop allowing yourself to be used and abused by your BPD loved one. It helped me a lot with my daughter.

I know you are pulling back, but do have many sad and confused feelings. Maybe reading that book would help.
 
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