My wife said she is poly, but is what she is doing, actually poly?

[Hawkl89]

Hello everyone, I come here seeking help from the poly community to figure out, we’ll just really if what is going on with my marriage, is indeed poly. Sorry, this will be long but there is a lot to cover and I don’t want to leave any details out.
So my wife told me she was poly and wanted to see another man, at first I was not ok with it but thinking about the state of our marriage (little to no sex life) I thought, maybe it could make things better. Well she started talking to her ex boyfriend, two boyfriends before we got together. Come to find out, he knows nothing about her being poly. He believes our relationship has fallen apart and she is going to leave me for him. I found out because she was sleeping one night and I was curious and looked through their messages. Since then her password has been changed and I have been told “poly relationships stay separate and what is said between them is not mine to see” and she says it’s not true and she says it because if she told him she was poly, he wouldn’t be interested anymore. Fast forward 5 months and the fighting never ends. We never have sex and when she wants sex, it’s with him and she tells me she needs a connection with me in order to have sex, that’s how she is she says. We are in this never ending cycle where if I tell her no, she hates me and we fight because I don’t allow her to be poly, and if I let her, it hurts me and jealousy and pain cause fights because if I told her she could do it, then I have to be ok after it happens. How can we fix our marriage and connect and have our own sex life when all she does is hurt me when she goes and sees him. If I say no to her though, we won’t grow a connection either because then she hates me for not allowing it. She won’t do anything unless I tell her it is ok but I’m conflicted, idk what is the correct way to go. Is this what it is like in a marriage when someone decides they are poly? The fear of them leaving after seeing the texts saying that is what they are going to do. We have two kids and I want things to work but I feel as if I am trapped with no way out besides leaving or waiting to be left. Advice is appreciated everyone.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Small thing, but if you could still edit and put in some paragraph breaks, you might get more readers. If not, it's ok. Just add some breaks in new posts going forward.

at first I was not ok with it but thinking about the state of our marriage (little to no sex life) I thought, maybe it could make things better.

So... you were trying to use poly like a band-aid for the marriage? Or to keep hanging on to her?

Sounds like you know it was wrong to peek in her phone. But in doing so you learned that wife's way of "doing poly" is dishonest. And she isn't treating you very well either. I think you know that on some level, and you are hoping to fix things. But honestly? If she's not also vested in fixing things? You can't fix a marriage all on your own. A marriage is between two people, and if she's no longer holding up her end of the stick? She just isn't.

While true that in polyamory there needs to be boundaries and each dyad needs its own privacy? Basically it sounds like she's lying to the dude to get in his pants because she thinks he wouldn't want to date her if she told him up front she is poly and married. But doesn't he have the right to know what the "real deal" is? And if he goes "Nah, I'll pass. Wish you well in your poly dating" -- isn't it ok for him to pass?

OR... maybe she's lying to you about wanting polyamory when really she wants to set up a "soft exit" -- like line up a new dude before dumping you. Or she wants to do whatever she wants with other people while you deal with house, kids, and bills.

Not a pretty picture on that side either.

To me this sort of thing isn't ethical polyamory. Nor is it ethical marriage. It just sounds like a mess.

How can we fix our marriage and connect and have our own sex life when all she does is hurt me when she goes and sees him.

Well... maybe step back a bit.

If all that happens here is fighting, no sex, upset... WHY do you want to fix this marriage?

Would it be better for your health to just let it go? Accept you and her are no longer compatible?

I know a decision like that isn't taken lightly, but maybe it's time to contemplate this rather than keep bending yourself into pretzels?

We have two kids and I want things to work

Ok. If the marriage part is outgrown/over/no longer sustainable... why bang head on wall?

Could things work out ok enough as a divorced couple that coparents? Families come in many shapes. Single parent family, adopted family, LGBT family, married family, divorced family, etc.

We are in this never ending cycle where if I tell her no, she hates me and we fight because I don’t allow her to be poly,

It's not never ending. You can stop participating and end the fight cycle.

You do not "allow" her to be poly. She can be poly without you.

What you do is consent to be in her poly network and participate in this polyship as one of her partners. But if she basically isn't all that great a romantic poly partner? She stinks at it? You do NOT have to consent to be here. You can say "No, thanks. I don't want to do poly with you. I'd rather part ways."

Again... do YOU even want participate in poly? Or were you just doing it so as to avoid a break up? This is what I give my kids. Maybe the assessment tool helps you.

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go

How can we fix our marriage and connect and have our own sex life when all she does is hurt me when she goes and sees him.

You can't, because she doesn't spend any time fostering connection with you. I can't tell if she still wants to be here. Really that's only something she can answer.

Does she still want to be in this marriage with you? And if so... what KIND of marriage? Healthy or not?

If I say no to her though, we won’t grow a connection either because then she hates me for not allowing it. She won’t do anything unless I tell her it is ok but I’m conflicted, idk what is the correct way to go.

You can say no. She can be disappointed that you don't want to poly. And then she can go do poly WITHOUT you. You aren't her keeper. You sound deep in poly hell, but it's not like she's only drunk on NRE. She's not being honest with other parnter either. I can't see where that is great.

Enduring wonky marriage or enduring wonky "poly" isn't healthy for anyone.

Sometimes it's growing pains and needing a learning curve but I don't get that vibe here. I could be wrong, but it just sounds like a marriage that is "just going through the motions" and kinda circling the drain. Is it? If so? I would contemplate letting the marriage go.

Maybe it could be helpful to have the conversation about parting ways with a counselor so you have some extra support and get your thoughts in order?

Is this what it is like in a marriage when someone decides they are poly?

No. Every marriage has its own story. Some people who realize they are poly after marriage?

• They go on to do poly just fine together as married people.
• Some part ways peacefully because one wants it and the other does not, so the original marriage deal is over. And one partner doesn't want to take up a "new deal." So they do the respectful thing and part peacefully.
• Some make a spectacular mess first, sometimes damaging others along the way.
  • Learn from it, and do better and stay together polyshipping
  • Don't learn from it. And finally part ways realizing that's what they could have done from the start rather than take this longer, more damaging way around back to square 1.

Poly has a way of shining a light on a lot of things.

So I encourage you to do your soul searching.

Step back and ask the harder questions.

Because if she's not trying to help fix anything and you are scrambling to "fix things" by yourself -- are you actually in the bargaining stage of grief? Flipping things over every which way to try to still hang on to this marriage?

When maybe the last loving thing to do for all the family members is to let go as peacefully as possible?

And I mean that too. Is this what you want to teach the children to do in their adult relationships? Throw themselves under the bus? Put up with wonky from their partners? Or would you rather model what healthy divorce/coparenting looks like in case it ever happens to them?

Could think about a trial separation if you both need some time. She gets a flat, you live here or the opposite. You each have separate bank accounts. You both take turns taking care of the kids. Then she's free TO pursue poly (wonky or otherwise) and you are free FROM wonky poly stuff you do not want.

You could just step aside and see nobody. Just take a break.

Maybe you discover you prefer monogamy because it is less people and less complications and that's what YOU like, and you find a more compatible partner.

Maybe what you discover is you might be up for polyamory with OTHER people... people who practice it in a more ethical/less wonky way. But you don't want to do it with HER because she does about it all ugh.

Then in a year, you decide what to do about the marriage. Try to fix it after having a cool down from all the fights and maybe having learned some things? Or maybe you discover you enjoy the peace/less stress and choose to formally divorce.

Or you skip the trial separation thing and just part ways now. Maybe you've seen enough to be done and don't want to snooze tag getting on to your next chapter of life.

Bottom line though? Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

So don't keep bending yourself into pretzels putting up with wonky behaviors from wife. Do your soul searching and come to a decision.

I think you could keep it simple.

Could tell her no. You don't want to be doing wonky poly with her any more. You want to fix the marriage. But if she doesn't want to do that work, then best for you both to accept that. The marriage is done. That hopefully stops the fighting once it is said "out loud" and hopefully moves the conversation FORWARD to where it needs to be rather than going around in circles.

Hopefully things get better for you one way or another.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I come here seeking help from the poly community to figure out, we’ll just really if what is going on with my marriage, is indeed poly.

This is not the question you should be asking. "Polyamory" covers a lot of ground, and "what is poly" is a question that has lots of different perspectives depending on what people value.

The question you should be asking is "am I in a healthy relationship?" and "what steps can I take to turn this into a healthy relationship?"

Based on what you have provided, I think you know you are not in a healthy relationship.

You snoop through her private messages because you don't trust her​

She is telling her boyfriend that she is leaving you, but telling you that is not the case​

Power struggle about what she is "allowed" to do with her time and body​

Crippling fear and insecurity about the status of your relationship​

It doesn't take a relationship expert to identify that you guys have some significant issues here. As far as how to salvage it or turn it into a healthy relationship, I don't know if that is really a reasonable expectation to have at this point.

We have two kids and I want things to work but I feel as if I am trapped with no way out besides leaving or waiting to be left.

Here is what I think you should start to focus on, what is the root of this "trapped" feeling?

In my world when I feel trapped it is because I have lost a sense of my own value and where I fit in to the world. I have linked myself to a person or a situation and the distinction between where they end and I begin has become blurred. The idea of living my own life independently isn't even possible to picture because my sense of self has become so enmeshed with someone else and the circumstance of our association.

For you it might be concepts like "happy marriage", "raising children", and "sharing a home". These concepts are very powerful and they are a lot of responsibility to shoulder. The problem with these concepts is that they have nothing to do with you, you are just the delivery vessel for them and the party responsible for making sure that they happen correctly. You are just the party that gets tortured when those concepts aren't realized to an arbitrary standard.

What would it look like if you focused on you? What decisions would you make if you didn't hold "happy marriage", "raising children", and "sharing a home" in absolute high regard? Would you get your own apartment, or maybe just set up your own room in your current home? Would you invest more in your friendships that have dissolved over the years? Would you find a hobby that you don't share with your wife so that you can explore new friendships and pleasures? Would you watch different TV shows because you no longer have to worry about what your spouse wants to watch?

Disentangling is a scary concept, certainly the closer to traditional monogamy we are, but in the end I think it makes for much stronger associations. I think you should start putting your energy into figuring out how to take care of yourself, given the reality of your current circumstance, and less on "is this poly".

 

[Hawkl89]

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out. I don’t have friends anymore because she didn’t like any of them. I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over and she will take the kids and leave….like when I say I am stuck…I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take everything.

 

[Hawkl89]

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out. I don’t have friends anymore because she didn’t like any of them. I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over and she will take the kids and leave….like when I say I am stuck…I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out. I don’t have friends anymore because she didn’t like any of them. I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over and she will take the kids and leave….like when I say I am stuck…I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take everything.

sorry guys, I’m still trying to figure this site out and how to tag in all that but just know, I am reading everything you are saying and I appreciate the help

 

[Marcus]

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out. I don’t have friends anymore because she didn’t like any of them. I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over and she will take the kids and leave….like when I say I am stuck…I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take everything

I get that you are emotionally stuck, and that you feel like you are trapped under a mountain of obligation that you have no control over.

My point is that this is the exact thing you need to address. Yes, decisions have consequences. No, not all consequences are to our liking. This leaves us with what? Give up and just resign ourselves to whatever fate is decided for us?

I feel for you, I really do. That feeling of being trapped is so powerful it's hard to see a world beyond it. I equate it to depression, an anguish that feels so real it can lead us to ridiculous conclusions, but the sky is in fact not falling, and our having to deal with uncomfortable consequences does not mean we are doomed. It feels that way, for sure, and that is the thing that you are going to need to work on.

I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over

To be clear, when I say explore other interests with people other than your wife I am not using that as euphemism for seeking new romantic relationships. I think a new romantic relationship is furthest from the thing you ought to be focusing on.

What I mean is exactly to establish relationships with other human beings. This "I don't have friends anymore because" is the thing that I am suggesting you take a look at.

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out..

You sound like a victim of your own circumstance, like you have no input on the decisions you make and your life is just happening to you.

I propose that laying down to this reality and just letting it happen will not be the solution to your situation; I propose that it is in fact the cause of your situation.

 

[MeeraReed]

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out. I don’t have friends anymore because she didn’t like any of them. I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over and she will take the kids and leave….like when I say I am stuck…I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take everything.

Your wife sounds abusive. Please consult with a divorce lawyer. Take time off work if you need to.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Hawkl89,

Technically, what your wife is doing is poly. As long as she does it with your consent, it counts as poly. But, she is not doing poly in a good way. She is lying to you, or to her boyfriend, or to both of you. She is enforcing a double standard with you; namely, that you must allow her to be poly, while she won't allow you to be poly. She is making you do all the work around the house, and you have to be the one to babysit the kids, while she goes out and has her fun. She refuses to have sex with you because she doesn't have a connection with you, but as far as I can tell, she turns around and does nothing to help build that connection. All the responsibility, for holding the marriage together, has been laid on your shoulders. She threatens you that if you divorce her, she will take everything from you including the kids, yet she saddles you with all the responsibility for the care of the kids, and tells her boyfriend that she is going to divorce you. She takes everything from you, and gives you nothing.

You asked: "How can we fix our marriage and connect and have our own sex life when all she does is hurt me when she goes and sees him?" ... which is a rhetorical question, and exactly my point. How can you fix your marriage when these are the conditions for fixing it? Obviously, you can't. I hope you don't feel like you are under some kind of obligation to fix it. Fixing a marriage is a two-person job, and she is not doing her part.

You asked: "Is this what it is like in a marriage when someone decides they are poly?" ... and while I can't say this is the first time I've seen a poly marriage go this badly, I can say: No, this is not necessarily what it is like in a marriage when someone decides they are poly. For one thing, the poly person can be kind, honest, and courteous toward their mono spouse. Your wife has opted to be none of those things toward you. You are trapped in a terrible situation. I don't envy you. I hope you can find a way to escape. As matters now stand, she has you right where she wants you. Right between a rock and a hard place. You can't say no to her being poly because then she will hate you. You can't say yes to her being poly because then you will suffer from jealousy which will lead to fights, and then she will still hate you. And above all, you can't leave her. She has made certain of that.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Short answer? No, what your wife is doing is not polyamory. Polyamory requires the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. You do not consent (coercion until agreement =/= consent). Boyfriend does not consent.

Long answer? Your relationship is not okay. It wasn't okay monogamously, and it isn't okay now. You should be getting your ducks in a row (finances, housing, childcare, legal - and mental health if needed- counseling, etc) and planning for split. Once you're mentally and emotionally prepared for the conversation, you can tell your wife something like "hey, you know I haven't been happy so I've been working out how to move forward. I'm prepared to divorce and do (plan) to make sure the kids are cared for during this stressful time if that's what you want. I would still love to make this work if you're interested in either closing the relationship until we are solid or telling boyfriend the actual truth and carving out time/energy while we do some counseling/ work on us. I am not willing to stay in this unhealthy, unethical situation anymore."

She knows you're not happy. She knows what she's doing is wrong, otherwise she wouldn't be trying so hard to keep you two apart. She doesn't sound particularly happy either. Hopefully if she realizes that you know you deserve a healthy relationship, she'll get on board with making things better or help with as amicable of a breakup as possible.

 

[Inaniel]

I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take everything.

What is your income ratio, if you do not mind disclosing?

 

[GalaGirl]

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out. I don’t have friends anymore because she didn’t like any of them. I can’t explore other interests with other people because I am not allowed to be poly or else our marriage is over and she will take the kids and leave….like when I say I am stuck…I’m saying that I really am stuck because if we get a divorce, she has already said she is going to fight to take everything.

Thank you for more info.

I mean this kindly, ok? Things don't sound great here. It's not healthy. I think somewhere deep down you know it.

She wants poly for her and not for you? And it's not even fully above board and consensual poly because the BF doesn't even know that's what this is? And you are doing it under duress? How she practices her poly is ugh? But she expects you to take it with a smile on your face and not rock the boat or call her on it when it dings you? Or else she'll take you for everything if you try to leave/divorce?

Dude... There's a point where you have to go "No, thanks. No doing any of that that. I'm at limit."

Because you can love someone a whole lot, but you have to be able to say "No. I love you, but not even for you am I going to do stuff or stay in stuff that hurts me."

The issue is, is I don’t have time for anything else. I work a lot and when I’m home, I watch the kids while she goes out.

Think it out. When you are divorced sharing custody? The times you aren't watching the kids? You will have more time to rest at home and not be losing energy fighting. More time to spend with family, friends, and eventually when appropriately healed... able to think about dating again.

Scary as it may be to contemplate... It might actually work out BETTER for you than things are going right now. Maybe its better for the kids too -- so they aren't living in a "fighting all the time" home.

Have you considered that?

I suggest you talk to a counselor for extra support and help getting thoughts in order. Then a divorce lawyer to see about your options. Could tell them that you want to be fair to the STBX and kids, but you don't want to put up with new shenanigans either.

Then tell her you want to work things out. Either heathy poly, health monogamy or healthy divorce. But enough of the wonky. If that's all she's got to offer you? Wonky? You'd rather divorce peacefully so she can go on to pursue poly without you.

I've seen a lot of friends go through divorce. Some great, some meh, and some awful and every time? The courts don't care about emotional drama stories. They just want to get the job done. Sort out the debt and assets and care of children and then move on to the next case. They frown on shenanigans and taking up court time needlessly.

There is a benefit to just starting the machine rolling and letting the process do its thing. Because then the end point arrives and you can be free.

It only takes one person to go to the courthouse to file for divorce and set the process in motion. It's better for you to be the person filing.

It takes 2 people to close a joint bank account. It only takes 1 person to pull out half they money and start a new one for themselves. So nothing really stops you from just going to the bank and split things up now so you have money to live on and start a new flat.

Leave her half and she can pull it out of joint to start her own account. The joint access account can be left for kid stuff in the interim. Move any direct deposits from your pay check to your own new account. Could send a reasonable amount for spouse/kid support in the interim to joint. The rest of assets and debts can be sorted out better in mediation/divorce. But it is reasonable for each of you to have something to go on during transition.

Slowly do same for things like who's name is on cel phones, power, water, etc.

You aren't blocking her in pursuing poly if you say "Nope, no thanks. This it not for me." It is ok for you to NOT want to continue like this. The original marriage vows are over. This wasn't part of that deal.

If you are trying to be decent and fair about it, what's she got to complain about? That you won't let her just run roughshod right over you?

Why would she fight you to take everything? If she wants to behave like that? Well, that's her choice. You could try to get out of the splash zone and protect you/kids with a lawyer's help.

Not all choices in life are win/lose. Some are "Both options stink. So which ones stinks less?"

I know contemplating divorce is hard to feel emotionally, but is it any harder than you feeling crap now? At least with divorce, the stink can end. You can spend some time healing and turn the page. Be free of all this UGH.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. And NO, this is not ethical polyamory. At least not to me.

Friends of mine have done wevorce.com, but they weren't this volatile. In your case a divorce lawyer and the courthouse path might be better.

Hopefully she wakes up enough to realize a peaceful divorce is easier on all, but if not? You just keep moving it forward. Let the chips fall where they may.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I found out because she was sleeping one night and I was curious and looked through their messages.

I know it is easy to get into "who is to blame" mode, but I also wanted to point out that she isn't the only one who is making some destructive decisions here. This sneaking onto her phone and openly invading her privacy is something that people who respect each other simply don't do. This action is a sure sign that there is a significant lack of both trust and basic respect.

I expect there is plenty of blame to go around on all sides of a relationship this rickety, so I don't think this is a thread that ought to be pulled. Personally I think it is more constructive to focus on what it takes to move forward and learn to develop more constructive relationship skills to avoid falling into these problems in the future.