My world is shaken

T

ThatRomanticGeek

New member
You all might remember this thread where I wondered if my girlfriend Bree would ever be okay with this. It turned out she wasn't. She finally broke and said that she was at a place where what she wanted and what she needed had finally aligned, and that didn't include pining for me.

And... my world shattered.

Amid my pathetic wailing and sobs, my wife Michelle texted Bree and implored her to reconsider, telling her it was obvious that Bree made me happy, whereas she, Michelle, did not anymore.

It's clear to me now that I've been suffering from severe depression, not enjoying my life the way it is, not appreciating Michelle and our kids. It's clear to me now that Bree was a safe port in that storm, and now... now she's not here. She's convinced that she broke up Michelle and me. She is licking her wounds, and not allowing any contact between us. (Although she has asked my friend/wife's bf Ralph how I'm doing a couple times.)

Truthfully, I am shaken to the core. Why was I okay sharing Michelle polyamorously, but felt jealously protective of Bree? Why did I have plans for the future with Bree, but with Michelle I was content with the status quo of raising the kids and... just doing whatever it is we do.

At some level, I suspect that I subconsciously interpreted Michelle's "coming out" to me as poly as a signal for me to fall in love somewhere else. The funny thing is, my conscious mind loves that Michelle is finally not bottling things up, finally being honest with herself about being poly. Even though it creates a longing in me to feel that connection I felt with Bree with... anybody. And yes, I know NRE played a big role in that, but I'm sure it wasn't all of it. I know Bree fulfilled something in me that I'd been missing, and Michelle knows it too.

And now Michelle and I are... in a bad place. She feels inadequate as a spouse, that this life we have together is apparently not enough for me.

It's making me feel trapped. My god, what a horrible feeling, to feel like I'm trapped in a life I don't want. I love my kids. How can I even think that???

So, right now, I'm dealing with a slew of crises:

  • Grieving over Bree
  • Figuring out why my life with Michelle and the kids makes me feel trapped.
  • Reconciling Michelle's poly wiring with my apparent mono wiring. I don't want her to change. I don't want her to be dishonest with herself, but I don't know if we're compatible in that regard.
  • Dealing with the medical and therapeutic realities of this major depression (which I am, on both counts).

Sigh. I'm a mess.
 
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Is it at all possible that the hurt you are feeling over things ending with Bree might be coloring how you feel about the relationship with Michelle?

I read through your other post, and saw you thought of doing a "start over" with Bree to meet her needs, but your last post in it seemed to imply that you were aware that the newness of Bree might be causing you to get ahead of yourself. It seemed like you were going to slow down and see how things progressed.

What caused the change? What happened right before you began to feel this way about your marriage and what caused Bree to end things? I guess I'm just trying to get a sense of the order things played out.

- thinking about meeting Bree's needs for monogamy and kids
- then thinking maybe you should see how things go
- then what?
 
I agree with Vinccenzo (if I'm interpreting his post correctly). Could you see yourself in a mono relationship with Bree? Mono/poly relationships don't work for everyone, and yours with Michelle could be contributing to, or even causing your depression.
 
There's definitely a question of chicken and the egg.

Yeah, I totally saw myself in a monoamorous relationship with Bree, and she was constantly struggling with the fact that I wasn't able to be mono with her. And when it finally came to a head with her (nothing I did, she just couldn't deal with the struggle anymore) she broke it off.

The order of events goes...

  1. Michelle tells me she wants an open marriage. I hop on board. After all, I'm progressive. I trust her. Besides, it's a bit of a turn-on.
  2. Michelle starts talking to Ralph about the same time I start talking to Bree.
  3. Michelle and Ralph maintain a casual, occasional communication. Bree and I, however, quickly lose ourselves to each other and are in constant contact. Ralph and Michelle tease us for being like cute teenagers.
  4. Michelle stays at Ralph's for 9 days. I realize that I enjoy Michelle's independence, and yes, sharing her is a turn-on. However, I find myself longing for something like what she has.
  5. Bree reaches a breaking point and cancels the mid-September trip we'd planned. At Michelle's encouragement, I immediately meet Bree face-to-face and we spend a great weekend together.
  6. The next few weeks are rife with bouts of mania and depression as I try to gauge Bree's plans regarding our mid-September trip. This is when I posted the other thread.
  7. Bree finally cancels that trip, saying she is unable to allow this relationship to continue at all. My depression takes a dive off a cliff.

Michelle's theory, which is looking true to me right now, through the haze of grief and depression, is that I was already on a track toward depression, being burnt-out on the life we have, not getting the emotional connection or intellectual stimulation I needed from Michelle, as well as feeling beat down by work, kids, chores, life in general.

And then Bree came along and changed that. Talking to Bree became the highlight of my day. Here I had a beautiful young woman, who found me attractive, and was playful and stimulating, and always sought my attention as much as I sought hers. And then, unable to reconcile her emotions for me with the fact that she can't truly have me (since she's definitely wired mono, apparently), she ended it, which made the rest of my existence seem even more trapping and smothering than it already was.

At the end of the day, I know I'm suffering from depression, and it predates the open marriage. I think the episode with Bree brought it to a head, though.

And the question I'm left with is: what am I? Am I mono-wired? I think I might be. I don't think I can have the type of semi-detachment that Michelle has with Ralph.

What am I prepared to live with? Am I prepared to tell Michelle that the poly thing isn't working out for us and she has to stop? Force my own apparent mono-wiring onto her? That's a horrible thing for me to consider, especially when I've spent 15 years (10 of which were married) pleading with her to assert herself when it comes to what she wants. And, in a vacuum, yes, I could accept that we're not the same people we were when we married, and it might be time to move on. But the kids! I don't want to hurt my kids!

Or do I live as a mono and let her live as a poly? That's possible, right? I know people on this forum do that. But I don't know if I'm necessarily okay with that. I feel envious, not of Ralph, but of Michelle. She has something that I don't think is likely for me. I think I would always fall for the girl, but the girl would run from the open marriage. So I'd just watch Michelle and Ralph, like some sort of a willing cuckold.

Vinccenzo, you're right. My feelings for Bree do color it some, I think. To what extent, I can't tell you. Michelle thinks it's a case of sending the boy back to the farm after he's seen Paree. That maybe Bree and I had better chemistry than Michelle and I do.
 
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You still haven't answered my question. Do you think you and Bree could have a future together?
 
sage said:
You still haven't answered my question. Do you think you and Bree could have a future together?
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Right now, at this moment? No. Bree is fraught with guilt right now, convinced that she unwittingly drove a wedge between me and Michelle, and she couldn't live with herself. As she put it to me, she doesn't want to be the prize for me breaking up my family.

At some future time, after I figure out what I want from life and Bree has had some time to heal, if the stars align and we were to reconnect, I think we could have something really good.
 
Purely from an outsider perspective, I think a whole lot of this being fairly new. I am having to re-examine terms right now too.

Polyamory and monoamory--

If being poly means you have to always have more than one partner, no matter what, I might be needing to jump ship again! And from what I know of monoamory (many years of practice), I didn't always have only one, or even one partner to be considered mono.


You brought up cuckolding. I wonder if you feel pressure to compete because of how you identify it. To avoid it, do you urgently feel you have to have someone? Michelle might have a lover now, but who can tell where that will go?

And regarding Michelle's opinion of Bree as gay Paree, and you being back on the farm, maybe she is feeling a bit insecure right now, like she has nothing to offer in comparison. She tells you what she thinks is going on, but with you so undone right now, maybe you don't know yet if that is the case, but it's easier to agree than not knowing how you feel right now?

Take some time. Go do something with your kids. Address what you will do to manage your depression. Maybe making big decisions right now isn't the best idea.
 
Yes, she is feeling insecure. At the same time, so am I. Trying to understand her needs as a poly person, and where I fit in as a mono person. And trying to understand if what I had with Bree was indicative that I'm in the wrong life, or if it was just a relief from depression. Or how much was NRE. Realistically, it's all probably a combination of of the above.

Yeah, I'm not in a hurry to change anything. I'm hurting, Bree's hurting, Michelle's hurting, and Ralph is being the sounding board for all of us (poor guy). Michelle and I are in therapy (individually and together) and it'll take some time to resolve.

I miss Bree terribly, though. I wish I still had her to talk to, but she's too close to this. It's too dangerous for her, and I'm sure she's afraid she'd make things worse between me and Michelle.
 
I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough situation right now. :( From my experience with depression, it's hard to believe that anything will get better when you're deep in it. But once you are in a better place, depression-wise, these problems might not seem so unsolvable. Good luck, man. Hang in there.
 
It sounds to me like the stereotypical mid-life crisis, minus the new sports car.

Feeling trapped in marriage/life? Check.
Feeling invigorated getting involved with sweet, young thing? Check.
Buying sports car to show continued virility? Um, you haven't been stopping by car lots, have you?

I'd say addressing the depression and mid-life crisis is the first order of business. Once you get yourself settled, then you can fully turn your attention to the relationships in your life.
 
AutumnalTone said:
It sounds to me like the stereotypical mid-life crisis, minus the new sports car.

Feeling trapped in marriage/life? Check.
Feeling invigorated getting involved with sweet, young thing? Check.
Buying sports car to show continued virility? Um, you haven't been stopping by car lots, have you?

I'd say addressing the depression and mid-life crisis is the first order of business. Once you get yourself settled, then you can fully turn your attention to the relationships in your life.
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I'm all for buying sports-cars to deal with your mid-life crisis but...

At the risk of hijacking this thread:

When I fell in love with that "other guy" last year, my friends decided that I was having a stereotypical "seven-year itch". I disagree with that. Not saying it doesn't happen, but it implies that something is wrong with your "real" relationship just because you have feelings for someone else. If I was really having a "seven-year itch", I would have turned around and found someone else to scratch it after being rejected by the other guy. That didn't happen.
 
NeonKaos said:
...Not saying it doesn't happen, but it implies that something is wrong with your "real" relationship just because you have feelings for someone else.
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He claimed to feel trapped. That's one of the signs of the sterotypical mid-life crisis. Whether that means there is actually something wrong with the relationship or not is a matter for him to work out; as I understand things, sometimes such a crisis does indicate problems with a marriage and other times it has nothing to do with the marriage. So pointing out the resemblance to a mid-life crisis really doesn't indicate a judgement of something being wrong with the relationship--I'm simply responding to his discontent and suggesting he figure out the source of it.
 
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