Mya's search for balance

I want to write about Yvonne and Zooey.

A few days ago I went to see a film with Yvonne, then had dinner and great conversations about love and relationships, held hands, admired the views of the city and then spent the night at her place. The next day I got to enjoy an amazing brunch made by her live-in partner. I feel spoiled. :)

Yesterday I saw Zooey after work and that was very lovely too. She asked me to attend a work party thing of hers where they can bring a partner with them. I already had plans for that day, so I can't go, but I would have loved to. I really like how she has started to treat me as a partner in some contexts, it all seems to flow so naturally. :)

There seems to be a difference in how Yvonne and Zooey approach poly. I said this about Yvonne a while back:
Mya said:
She's been poly for years and she has a really good attitude towards it. When I say good, I mean similar to mine. :D At least that's the impression I get.
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But the more I get to know her, the more I learn about this aspect as well, and it seems that my original impression was a bit misguided. Yvonne seems to have a more hierarchical approach than I thought. She talks about primaries and secondaries, although this doesn't seem to come from her partner or their agreement with each other, but more from her own boundaries and how deeply she wants to be involved with other people than her live-in (or in her words, her primary) partner. But there's also context. She used to have two primaries in the past and she felt it was exhausting. So now she's choosing not to integrate too much or to spend too much time with her secondaries. That's me and one other person. And I do think that's reasonable, I don't have a problem with it at the moment. But it does feel a bit like it's already been decided from the beginning how far this thing of ours can go.

Zooey on the other hand seems to strive for equality much more, but then again she doesn't live with any of her partners. She has two others, she's been with one of them for a year and one of them (who is actually a friend of mine) a few months I think.

I feel like I'm somewhat more free to feel what I feel with Zooey. I'm a little bit afraid to fall in love with Yvonne because I'm not sure how she would take it. I think she might be guarding herself a bit to not fall into a deeply involved thing with a secondary, and that might also mean being wary of love (she has said something to that effect). And that in turn makes me a bit guarded as well. But we'll see. I'm not there yet anyway, so this is all quite premature.
 
I just want to say that I love reading about your search for balance, I haven't read through your previous blog yet but I've really enjoyed what I've read so far!

Mya said:
I have noticed a shift in my sexual orientation in the last almost a year or so. I think I'm more and more into women. Or people who aren't cis-men.
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I have been going back and forth between bi and lesbian my whole life. Now I'm in a place where I'm almost solely attracted to other women, but that might change again. I hope you and rory find balance, too.
 
Thanks for your comment, Shanti! It's nice to know that you've enjoyed my blog so far. :) I sometimes notice that I write like I'm assuming that everyone who reads this blog has read my previous one, so it's good to be reminded that that's not always the case. It was also interesting to hear from someone who is going back and forth beween bi and lesbian. I have no idea if this is just a phase or if it's a more permanent change, but I guess time will tell.
 
The last time I dated 4 people at the same time (Hank, rory, Ray and Sol) I felt very stretched and busy, but this time, when 2 out of those 4 are different people, I don't feel busy at all. How can one not feel busy while dating 4 people? Easy, just choose people who are either quite introverted, busy, or both. :D

Also, I don't text/call with Zooey and Yvonne very much. Sometimes, yes, but definitely not every day. That's not because of me though, I'd like to keep in touch more, but they don't seem to want that, so I haven't pushed it.

I find myself in a situation where I kinda want more sex and more company, but I really don't want to date more than 4 people, just in case things change in any of them. At least now there's quite a lot of flexibility if someone wants to see me more than they do at the moment. Actually, that might even happen with Zooey, because she's moving closer to me in a week (not because of me though, just a happy coincidence). And I've just found out that she likes spontaneity, which I also like, so we might end up hanging out on a short notice more after she's moved. :)
 
Things with Zooey are going great, except for one thing: we haven't had sex yet. She has her reasons for it, which I totally understand. But it's quite hard for me, especially when I'm already struggling with not getting nearly as much sex than I'd like. Me and rory don't have sex at all. Me and Hank do, but less than I'd like. Me and Yvonne do too, but I just don't see her very often. So all in all, I'm having way less sex than I'd like. But it's not individual people's fault. People can't give me more than they are willing/able.

So I went back to OKC. And last week I had one of the smoothest dates I've ever had. I met up with someone who I had a really high match percent with, but who was only visiting my city. We walked, talked, had a drink, kissed. They told me I'm pretty, I said the same. I asked if they'd like to come back to mine, they said yes. Before we left, we talked about STI test statuses, sexual history, and expectations. Then we went to my place and had good, communicative sex. And afterwards talked it through that we're not looking to start dating long distance. The next day the date messaged me to check in, making sure I was still happy with what happened, and also to let me know they wouldn't be able to meet me again during the short trip (which was totally fine, I just had briefly mentioned that I was available the next day too). Such clear communication throughout it all! I'm so happy that it happened and how we handled it. :)
 
My relationship with Yvonne keeps getting better and better. :) I'm feeling more and more confident that she wants me to be a permanent and regular part of her life. We haven't dived into this relationship head-on, like I have with some other people, but instead we've taken it quite slow. We recently had a conversation where she said that she thinks of me as a girlfriend/partner and asked how I would feel about it. I was thrilled because I do feel the same way. :) Then we talked about what that label means to us. It was a good and informative conversation. I feel good about this, about us. <3
 
Mya said:
Things with Zooey are going great, except for one thing: we haven't had sex yet.
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Well, this is not true anymore. :eek: We have now had sex. You can't believe how happy I am right now. Like, over the moon shooting stars and rainbows happy! :D I love my life. I'm going to enjoy this moment in time when I'm in 4 relationships and they are all going great. From my experience these are not usually long periods of time, so I'm really trying to be happy in the moment. Joy! Happiness! Yay! :) :)
 
Thank you Jane and fuchka, I really appreciate the comments. :)

As nice as it was that everything was going well, I was right that it couldn't last for very long. Zooey broke up with me yesterday. :( I'm super sad about it because there was absolutely nothing wrong with us, our relationship. We were doing great, I was really falling for her. Her reason for breaking up had nothing really to do with me or us or anything I've done. It's her personal struggle with something that I don't want to go into on a public forum, but our relationship was kind of getting in the way of her reaching an important goal in her life. It's so frustrating! In one way this is the worst break-up I've had because I can't feel any relief. Usually when I've gone through a break-up there's been something wrong in the relationship and I've been able to find solace in the fact that I don't have to deal with those negative things anymore. In this case there is no silver lining, it just sucks all the way through. :(
 
So sorry to hear about the breakup, Mya. Yes - it's particularly hard when you don't have those reasons to hold on to. Hopefully in time you will be able to find peace in accepting that things are how they are... Hugs
 
Thank you for your comments, opalescent and fuchka. :)

I wish I could tell you more about the specific situation/struggle that led to this break-up, because it's actually pretty relevant to how I'm feeling right now, but I just can't say it because that could possibly identify Zooey too much. Anyway, what I'm feeling right now is anger. I don't think I've ever really had these kinds of feelings after a break-up. I'm angry that there was nothing I could've done to change this. We were good together, we were compatible. We really liked each other. I'm angry that she dumped me because she could see us becoming meaningful parts of each others lives and she couldn't have that. She can't get too comfortable right now. When she broke up with me I asked her if she was going to break up with her other partner as well (he's a friend of mine), since the same reasons apply to him too. Zooey said she was going to have a conversation with him too. But I saw this friend/ex-metamour a couple of days ago and talked to him about this. They are still together. Of course I only want what's best for my friend, but if this goal of Zooey's is so important, I don't understand why she's still with him. She did say that her relationship with me and her other partner are quite different, and I had more of an overall presence in her life, so I guess it was more pressing to get rid of me first. "Get rid of"... Yeah, I guess you hear the resentment in my choice of words. I just felt the need to express this anger, so that it's easier to get over it. I will get over it. But first I needed to vent a little.

Edited to add other things I feel right now: tossed aside, unimportant, heartbroken, sad, frustrated. :(
 
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Really sorry to read about the latest developments :( Hopefully you can work through this mess soon and get over your resentment. But it is totally understandable that you suffer right now, she handled things poorly.
 
Thanks for the empathy, Phy. :)

I'm starting to feel better. Me and Zooey haven't spoken since the break-up, so it's been two weeks now. I'm a bit sad about that, but I guess it's for the better. I feel like I really want to talk to her about the reason of the break-up though. I'd like to hear why this goal of hers only applies to me and not others, and if that isn't the real reason, what is. But I'll wait some more before bringing it up. Maybe I'm still too emotional about it to have a constructive conversation.
 
Everything reminds me of Zooey now, and whenever that happens, I feel sad. Whenever I see couples in similar situation than ours who are okay with it (both in real life and on TV), I just think 'Look at those two, they're making it work, why can't we?'. I'm not that angry anymore though, I'm just sad. I like sad more than angry, so this is progress.

I got a nice OKC message a couple of weeks ago. She seemed quite interesting, so I replied even though it had only been a week from the break-up. When she then asked me out, I told her the truth: I'm still recovering from a break-up and I'm not in the best place to date anyone new right now. But I did like her, so I asked if it'd be ok if I contacted her later when I feel better. She said of course and gave me her number. I gave her mine, and then I disabled my OKC account. I feel like I did the right thing. I really shouldn't be dating new people now when I'm still hurting.
 
:(

Sending you long distance hugs if you want them. Breakups suck.
 
Thanks RainyGrlJenny!

I think I'm starting to feel OK now. I contacted the woman from OKC and we planned a date but she later cancelled it, saying that she's met someone new recently and things are really intense with that new person, so she doesn't have mental energy to date new people now. I'm very fine with this. I know the feeling so well, too.

Me and Zooey have plans to meet up tomorrow for the first time after the break-up. We're both attending the same event this weekend and I asked her if we could speak before that. I feel like I need to talk to her about the break-up, to get some closure.

Yvonne has been super busy recently and I haven't seen her a lot. Things are still good with her, our relationship is pretty easy. I do wish I saw her more though. I think that's probably going to change once she is done with a project she's been involved with.

Rory has not been feeling well lately. He has quite bad mental health issues, and he's now on sick leave from work because of it. I'm doing the best I can to support him through it all, but I do sometimes struggle because these things affect me too. I recently asked rory what he thinks was the reason for our break-up last year, and he said it was his mental health issues. I don't know how well that showed from the things I wrote about here, but indeed that was the reason. That wasn't what either of us thought at the time, but looking back it's obvious that his struggles with it made it hard for him to see things very clearly. Everything felt like danger, including me. That's also why we kept going back and forth with it. It was always rory who changed his mind. We haven't been talking about breaking up this time around, but I have a strong feeling that if we ever do break up again, it's going to be for the same reason, but maybe it won't be the same person making the decision than last time. I'm not planning it, no. I'm just really tired and stressed out right now. Rory is starting therapy soon, so that's good news. I hope that things will get better at some point.

Hank and I are doing pretty well. We're talking about buying a house together. If that happens and we're still living with rory then, he could live there too and maybe pay a bit of rent for his room (if he is working and can do that), but me and Hank would be the ones to pay the mortgage and take the main responsibility of the house. We'll see what happens, but it's quite exciting to think about. :) Me and Hank seem to only have one bigger problem, and how I'm dealing with that problem is pretty much the indicator of how well we're doing in general. It's the quantity of time we spend together. Hank is the type of person who really doesn't like being told what to do. He also doesn't really like making plans unless he has to. So we used to have a date night once a week, but some time ago he asked that we stop doing that and only hang out whenever we both feel like it. This transition has been quite difficult for me. I miss our date nights. But Hank says that he enjoys our time together more when he knows he's only with me at any given time because he wants to, not because he agreed to beforehand and "has to" do it whether he feels like it or doesn't. I mean, it does make sense when you think about it. But since I almost always feel like spending time with people I care about (which is definitely not true for either Hank or rory), it emotionally doesn't make sense to me. I feel like I'm losing my guaranteed weekly Hank time, so I'm getting less of something I like. In reality I think we still hang out almost as much as we did before, but now it just varies more. So some weeks we might hang out a lot and other weeks much less. I've gotten used to our new arrangement now and I'm mostly OK with it. But it does sometimes get to me and I feel like he doesn't want to spend as much time with me as I do with him. This mismatch has existed for almost our entire time together (2.5 years), so I'm fairly certain it's not going away anytime soon. We do have so many good things that often this feels like nothing in comparison. But it is something I need to continue working on probably for a long long time.
 
I've been thinking about my relationship with Hank ever since I wrote that last entry.

Even though it doesn't always feel nice in the moment (if he doesn't want to hang out when I do), I actually think that Hank's approach to spending time together makes our time better. Since I'm not spoiled with Hank time, I'm always delighted to see him. And since he only hangs out with me when he genuinely wants to, I know he's liking it too. I even get to miss him sometimes (we don't see each other THAT rarely, I just miss people easily :p). What this also means is that I never feel like Hank is dependent on me. I'm free to do whatever I want with my life and spend as much time with other people as I want. He has never even hinted that I should be home more. That makes doing non-hierarchical poly really easy. It's the same when we go to a party or an event together. We arrive together, we are there for each other when we need to, but we often spend most of our time chatting to other people and doing our own thing. Knowing that he's there when I need him gives me courage to explore other things. I was reminded of this the other day when I went on my own to a social event where I didn't know many people, which I haven't done in ages. I felt like a fish out of water. I just sat there on my own, only talking to people who came to talk to me first. I really wished Hank was there. I love his presence in my life, it's...calming. I might not always get what I want, but I might be getting something I actually need instead.

Thanks diary, this was a good talk. I feel like I've taken a step forward. :)
 
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Mya! I need to think about my relationship with CJ in the light of your experience. We have not had designated date nights in my polycule, and sometimes it stresses me out because scheduled date nights have been in my mind "the right way to do poly". It just does not fit in our life at all. We have little by little found our way of living a poly life and it definitely is not "one size fits all". With Mark I easily find time for being together - he actually needs more together-time than me. CJ is more introverted and needs a lot of personal space and is not often in the mood of spending time with me. But, when we do have our time together, it is very enjoyable.
 
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