Naive question about sexual health and testing, from a former mono.

[lunabunny]

Okay, like the title says, this may sound completely naïve to most of you, but here goes:

For the last couple of years I've been the hinge in a long distance V/triad with a male and female partner. This is my first polyamorous relationship, if not exactly my first non-mono experience.

Prior to this, I was in a long-standing marriage (together over 25 years) in which nobody cheated or had other partners, that I am aware of. Neither my former husband or I had ever had an STI and we didn't engage in any form of sexual or other behaviour that would have put us at risk for contracting diseases... therefore the need for testing was deemed non-existent and neither of us ever got tested.

Fast forward to now... although my current relationship/s are long distance and conducted mostly online thus far, I have met both and been physically intimate with both, separately and together (for a period of one month last year)... and am just about to go away on vacation with one of my partners (Boho) for a couple of weeks, during which time she and I will engage in sexual activity.

My partner Jester is positive for Hepatitis C and HSV1, but nothing else. We had barrier free sex a number of times when I last visited (after having done a lot of research into HepC risk factors) but avoided contact during an active HSV1 outbreak until the lesion (cold sore) had cleared up.

After I returned home, I got tested and was given the all clear for everything. Shortly after this, my female partner Boho had an issue with a pap smear (some abnormal cell growth) and was told she had been exposed to HPV. A few months later, her latest test came back clear.

In the past, both Jester and Boho had been sexually intimate with each other, and last year while we were all together they had some minor sexual contact (she gave him oral, though he didn't come), he penetrated her digitally etc.

My question is... considering Boho and I are going to be sexually intimate again very shortly AND we all plan on moving in together and will probably all shared some forms of sex together moving forward from here... what sort of sexual safety measures/precautions and testing do you more experienced forum members recommend we practise from now on? (Bearing in mind this is a closed group of three, with other partners not on the horizon.)

Oh, also, I'm pre-menopausal, but still getting periods and on the Pill.

 

[Tinwen]

I am actually less experienced than you here.

I don't know much about hepatitis C.

If it was me and I knew that my long-term partner had HSV, I would of course avoid kissing the cold sore etc., but I would probably expect to get it anyway sooner or later. Same with HPV (although, since you are likely still clear, maybe look into the vaccines?). I'd consider being consistent with condom use (especially if your relationship is not yet in the life-long-committed stage), but wouldn't be willing to be more careful than that.

As for testing frequency, that's pretty much up to you and what's practical.

 

[lunabunny]

Thanks for responding, Tinwen, and for your advice.

I am actually less experienced than you here.
I don't know much about hepatitis C.

Hepatitis C is primarily a blood borne disease/virus that affects the liver. Although not technically an STI, there is still a minute risk of passing it on during sexual activity via break in the skin (during rough sex or anal, for example).

There is also a very low, but nevertheless still present risk of transmission via other routes, such as sharing shaving equipment, toothbrushes etc.

(Hetero)sexual activity is not thought to present a great risk, as direct transmission via contact with semen or bodily fluids other than blood is extremely rare. Hence the educated risk I took having barrier free sex.

I'd consider being consistent with condom use (especially if your relationship is not yet in the life-long-committed stage), but wouldn't be willing to be more careful than that.

Yes, this seems to be the best idea at this stage.

Jester is actually on the waiting list for treatment that is reported to have a 90%+ cure rate, but issues with insurance and other factors keep delaying access to these drugs.

To clarify, we ARE actually pretty committed to a future together. We have all been online friends for years and none of us are getting any younger, so if the next couple of visits go well, I am looking to move to their country on a permanent basis sometime next year.

If it was me and I knew that my long-term partner had HSV, I would of course avoid kissing the cold sore etc., but I would probably expect to get it anyway sooner or later.

Yup, that's more or less how I'm looking at it. Having avoided getting coldsores or herpes for almost 50 years, I'll keep avoiding it as long as possible, but I know that mightn't be realistic. I've only recently learned about the mechanics of viral shedding.

Same with HPV (although, since you are likely still clear, maybe look into the vaccines?).

Oh, yes, thank you... I'd almost forgotten that was even an option. I knew there was a reason I should ask the forum.

 

[Tinwen]

To clarify, we ARE actually pretty committed to a future together. We have all been online friends for years and none of us are getting any younger, so if the next couple of visits go well, I am looking to move to their country on a permanent basis sometime next year.

You know, I do and don't believe you - you wish for a common future, but you're a few years in and long-distance, and you haven't yet quite figured out what all of you want out of poly. In my previous relationships, I thought they were for life. Oh well. I totally underestimated how I would change. I'm sure you experienced the same effect in your marriage.

Oh, yes, thank you... I'd almost forgotten that was even an option. I knew there was a reason I should ask the forum.

They say they're up to age 30 or something like that. So maybe it's not an option. But as far as I understand they just haven't tested them beyond that age. You'll have to speak to a professional.

 

[lunabunny]

You know, I do and don't believe you - you wish for a common future, but you're a few years in and long-distance, and you haven't yet quite figured out what all of you want out of poly. In my previous relationships, I thought they were for life. Oh well. I totally underestimated how I would change. I'm sure you experienced the same effect in your marriage.

I understand your scepticism about this (my attitude to future plans). It's true I've never experienced a poly relationship before, and never intended to until the last couple of years. If you've read previous posts, this has been something I both "fell into" accidentally and came about organically.

I DO know how I feel and what I want from each of my relationships. The sticking point has been how we three would make it work as a group (V or triad?) since Jester and Boho are not in a committed romantic relationship with each other.

They ARE however, committed to each other as close friends and to the group as a whole. We three have ironed out a lot over the past six months or so... now it just has to be tested outside the laboratory once again, so to speak.

To illustrate, I've been engaged to a de facto partner once, married once, and for the past few years have been involved with Jester, then Boho and Jester together. I've never "dated" casually, have had very few relationships and those have been relatively long term. Boho has a similar history. Barring some completely unexpected occurrence or legal hold up, I'm fairly certain I'll end up living with these people - if not together, kitchen table style as currently planned, then in some configuration.

They say they're up to age 30 or something like that. So maybe it's not an option. But as far as I understand they just haven't tested them beyond that age. You'll have to speak to a professional.

I'll be sure to look into it. It's been a while since I read up on the vaccine. (I have a twenty year old daughter who was eligible for it through a school program when she was around thirteen.) At the time, I had no idea my marriage would end and never gave the subject any thought as to how it might affect ME.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi lunabunny,

I'm not an expert on STI's, but I'll just say that Wikipedia is your friend. Sex is always a calculated risk, so learn as much as you can.

Things are less complicated in a closed relationship, I say that from experience, but it's still wise to learn a lot and be careful.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

When you got tested did they actually do an HSV test? That is normally a special request since so many people have it, especially HSV-1.

 

[opalescent]

You can get the HPV vaccine over age 27. Depending on your insurance, you may have to pay for it out of pocket. That's what I did (I got it at age 39). I'm really happy I did given that HPV is everywhere. (That's not sex-shamey by the way. It's relatively easy to transmit, can hang out in the body with no signs for a long time, there are hundreds (at least) of strains out there, there is no test for men for HPV yet and the test for women (a pap smear) is not always straightforward.)

Decide what your own risk level is. Read cdc.gov, search for sexual health threads here (there are many, some overall, some diseases specific etc.). Once you know what your level of risk tolerance is, you can adjust (if needed) how you behave, what barriers you use when and with who, etc. And once you know what risks you are willing to take, and which ones you are not and how to manage that balance, then it's time to talk with your partners about their risk levels and how to manage that among the three of you.

 

[lunabunny]

Thanks for your input, everyone.

UPDATE: Coincidentally, just after I posted this, Jester found out he's been approved for the 90 day course of treatment to combat the HepC. He'll start on the meds next week, which is a huge relief.

I'm not an expert on STI's, but I'll just say that Wikipedia is your friend. Sex is always a calculated risk, so learn as much as you can.

Yeah, I've asked my doctor a number of questions and also read up on the conditions concerned, but in the case of hepatitis C and HSV1/2 there seems to be some conflicting info and advice out there. Hence I'm reading/asking as much as I can.

When you got tested did they actually do an HSV test? That is normally a special request since so many people have it, especially HSV-1.

I assume so, as I specifically asked my doctor (general practitioner) about it, and told her what I may have been exposed to (HSV1, HPV and HepC), and she ordered the tests.

At the time I was being tested for numerous reasons/conditions, not all related to sexual health. The phlebotomist drew several vials of blood and I know they had to send a couple to labs out of town for analysis, as I live in a smallish region town. All came back negative, but I didn't specifically ask to see paperwork.

You can get the HPV vaccine over age 27. Depending on your insurance, you may have to pay for it out of pocket. That's what I did (I got it at age 39). I'm really happy I did given that HPV is everywhere. (That's not sex-shamey by the way. It's relatively easy to transmit, can hang out in the body with no signs for a long time, there are hundreds (at least) of strains out there, there is no test for men for HPV yet and the test for women (a pap smear) is not always straightforward.)

Decide what your own risk level is. Read cdc.gov, search for sexual health threads here (there are many, some overall, some diseases specific etc.).

Thanks, Opalescent. I am not embarrassed and don't consider any of this "sex shamey" as far as getting myself tested is concerned. However it WAS initially somewhat uncomfortable for me to ask my partners to get tested as neither seemed to consider they were presenting a particularly high risk... probably because I have come from a lengthy mono background where this simply wasn't part of the discussion. I've gotten over that now however.

I must clarify here... I do NOT currently reside in the US, but both my partners DO... so factors relating to health insurance and costs/availability of testing THERE are somewhat different to where I live (Australia). My partners and I have discussed, and will continue to discuss these issues as they pertain to our differing circumstances though.

Thanks.

 

[Magdlyn]

You should always get a print out of your sex labs, and make a point of getting them explained to you if they are confusing. My clinic does this as a matter of course; a print out, as well as an attachment sent to me at my portal, so I could email my results to a partner or partners if I wanted to. I can email my NP at my portal as well, if I have questions. I love my clinic!

 

[lunabunny]

You should always get a print out of your sex labs, and make a point of getting them explained to you if they are confusing. My clinic does this as a matter of course; a print out, as well as an attachment sent to me at my portal, so I could email my results to a partner or partners if I wanted to. I can email my NP at my portal as well, if I have questions. I love my clinic!

Thanks, Magdlyn. Your clinic sounds pretty on the ball. I'm generally happy with mine as well, though normally they just call with results and only schedule a follow-up visit if there is something to report/action needed.

I'll definitely be doing this from now on, and have requested a copy of my complete file (which I have to pay extra for but think it'll be worth it).

 

[Leetah]

I expect you are level headed enough not to panic over HSV, I wasn't. No one in my large family had it, Tam does not have it so finding out that Ray had a cold sore and had never thought it something to bother mentioning freaked me out a bit.

He had to explain to his young medical professionals why he wanted to look into medications for it. They were surprised - "But half the population has it. Why worry?" When he said "See, before there was AIDS, herpes was the thing everyone was scared of, at least over in America." they kind of shrugged it off. I guess this is what comes of me being out of the dating pool since the early '80's.

In any case, there is a lot of scary sounding information out there about viral shedding, catching herpes from shared towels and from coughs. We finally concluded that a lot of that information was either misinterpreted science or bunkum. If we were going to catch it from casual contacts we either would have already or might in the future without contact with Ray.

Leetah