Poly, narcissism and SOs
My feeling is: (warning, do NOT take this as a blanket statement about all poly people--) that someone like Byron's wife is in poly in the first place to 'get her needs met' and so it's not surprising that her behavior screams 'I'm all about myself. I'm the most important one here.' I,e., she's a narcissist.
From my reading over 7 years, I think there are many, many metamour situations like the one you describe, and therefore it's a very good thing to resurrect a thread on it.
Thanks so much for sharing that. It was validating to receive your response, though I'm sorry to hear that a similar/identical situation happened to you.
I've met a lot of wonderful people who are poly and been witness to healthy, happy poly relationships.
I understand there's a huge difference between a narcissist who is operating under the guise of poly to generate supply and get their needs met, and a genuine and ethical person who is honest and loving with their partners and metamours.
Because this was my first poly relationship, I did not know what typically happens or how much support/responsibility/care the experienced poly person takes for the newish person. I'd read More than Two and a host of other books and resources to learn as much as I could without depending on my partner. I trusted that he would guide me when appropriate, answer questions and be an ethical partner who would own his shit, communicate often and directly, and extend care when I asked for what I needed. That's not quite what happened.
I was often left on my own, ranked in comparison to others, and deemed unworthy of any care or attention I requested, excluded by him and his SOs, but asked to be inclusive of everyone, and told that I "often misunderstood," despite asking direct questions to get explanations, and repeating back what I heard.
I now know I was gaslighted, mistreated, manipulated and disrespected.
This was difficult to believe, because we were friends for years prior to starting a personal relationship. I didn't understand that this was a narcissist who showed me a charming and upstanding faux self, and then revealed his true self as we grew closer.
Also, this:
And somehow your ex/narc is in a relationship with his wife's EX best friend. Sounds sketchy, like he was triangulating them, had idealized his wife, but then devalued, demoted and has nearly discarded her in favor of her best friend. Hitting the wife where it really hurts. Most "good" polyamorists have a list of "messy people" they agree not to date. Best friends, and siblings are almost always on the list.
And to top it off, his third partner was a married non-poly, cheating woman. Awesome!
And he probably started seeing Cherry less when he found this local cheating gal to bang and get his "narcissist supply" from.
He was just leaving a trail of women in his selfish wake.
It sounds like you got out before he was able to harm you too much. The devaluation and manipulation and gaslighting had just begun. Good for you! How is the healing going?
The healing is better on some days, and some days are harder. I appreciate you asking and for the encouragement, support and care.
Reading your response opened my eyes to a couple things I once thought, but had discarded:
1. The third partner - She was married to a bisexual man while using online ads to find men to have sex with, and my ex answered this ad. He describes how they met as "through normal dating." He met her husband after the second date, and he intro'd her to the wife and kids as a "friend" after they'd been out or banged a few times, so I assumed she was in an open marriage. I do not know when it's ethical to start being poly, if not previously, but still in a relationship.
She is significantly younger, and this is (as I understand) only her second relationship. My ex pointed out that "he did not pressure her to be poly." Um, ok. When I questioned why he would say this, he said he was only being clear; I would later find this even more strange because he was often unclear on more important matters.
He started seeing less of Cherry because she moved to another state with her husband, where they live in houses owned by Cherry's second partner; my ex is her third.
Maple and Cherry dislike each other, and Maple disliked me also. I hear that my ex began effing another local woman after I left; it sounds like there may be a power struggle between my ex and Maple. Read on.
2. His wife's best friend - It struck me as odd when I heard his longest-running relationship, second only to his wife, was with his wife's best friend. At the same time, I do my best to not be judgmental and I know we cannot help who we fall in love with. I've heard him describe how he fell for Cherry just before her honeymoon, and I've no idea if his wife gave her blessing, or simply had no way to say no, or perhaps didn't care.
I thought this might've been a way for him to be as close to his wife as possible without being with her.
I initially didn't suspect that Cherry was a narcissist, because she described herself as codependent. I now know that there are lots of different types of narcissists-- she exhibits signs of being overt and parasitic, and I've learned that narcissists can also be codependent.
That said, it's clear to me that my ex still loves his wife and had been wishing to restart an intimate and sexual relationship with her, but I do not know if it's true love, or his inability to accept being rejected and devalued.
Shortly after I started a personal relationship with him, his wife's partner broke up with her, and he said he felt sorry for her because she was alone and had no one else to help her get over it. I told him there's no shame in being single, that having multiple partners is not required to ease pain, to be strong or even to be in love.
She has since found a new man/partner, left my ex and has requested little to no contact. (They share a child.) I hear this happened a month after I myself left him, with no warning and no contact.
On a separate but related note, I've also considered the possibility that my ex isn't really polyamorous. He and his wife were not poly previously; his second partner is poly but a narcissist and rarely sees him; his inexperienced third partner was new to poly when they met, and "learned" from him. I am new to poly and he had textbook answers when I questioned him, but in practice he's unethical and doesn't do right. Who around him is truly polyamorous and able to call him on his shit? Isn't it possible he read all the literature and learned the lingo so he can use polyamory to supply his narcissism?
