Navigating poly post newborn

[Asyouwish]

TLDR: I’d like to hear other people’s experiences in polyamory and having a newborn.

My long-term partner is about to be a father in a few months. He and his partner have been open for a couple of years now and the mom-to-be also has another very supportive partner. They made the decision once they got pregnant to keep their marriage open.

I have a good relationship with my meta, and my partner has a good relationship with his meta. It’s a very KTP situation. I told them I was totally comfortable with taking on the role of a “cool aunt.” I like kids… they just weren’t in the cards for me.

As the due date nears, we’re having more conversations about what life will look like once the baby arrives. He seems to think after maybe a month or two, they can both start having dates with partners again, probably shorter dates, without a set cadence, and potentially expand that when they find a rhythm with the baby. When they can consider overnights, they’ll switch off who stays at home with the baby and who goes out. (Minus if the baby is sick, etc.) When it’s her turn to go out, we’ll have a date with baby in tow and vice versa. All of that is totally fine with me.

But, I honestly just don’t know how feasible all that is, so I’m looking for success stories, reality checks, and advice from those who navigated a newborn with existing poly relationships.

I have quite a bit of anxiety about it and I'm worried I may end up losing a really important relationship as priorities naturally change and life potentially gets too complicated on his end. I also have some guilt with the thought of him taking time away from that family unit.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Asyouwish,

Newborns are notorious for the demands they place on their parents' time and energy. You are not out of line to be worried. Some polyamorists choose not to practice polyamory while there are young children in the house. On the other hand, I don't think it would be fair to dump an existing partner (e.g., you or your long-term partner's metamour), I just think the parents-to-be should refrain from taking on any new partners until they're sure they have the time for that many partners. In the meantime, I suppose it's reasonable to expect that you'll get a lot less of his time and attention for the first few years at least. Not none, but a lot less. But, maybe you can do some babysitting and that will help. I don't know, I'm not sure how to navigate this kind of situation.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

TLDR: I’d like to hear other people’s experiences in polyamory and having a newborn.

My long-term partner is about to be a father in a few months. He and his partner have been open for a couple of years now and the mom-to-be also has another very supportive partner. They made the decision once they got pregnant to keep their marriage open.

I have a good relationship with my meta, and my partner has a good relationship with his meta. It’s a very KTP situation. I told them I was totally comfortable with taking on the role of a “cool aunt.” I like kids… they just weren’t in the cards for me.

As the due date nears, we’re having more conversations about what life will look like once the baby arrives. He seems to think after maybe a month or two, they can both start having dates with partners again, probably shorter dates, without a set cadence, and potentially expand that when they find a rhythm with the baby. When they can consider overnights, they’ll switch off who stays at home with the baby and who goes out. (Minus if the baby is sick, etc.) When it’s her turn to go out, we’ll have a date with baby in tow and vice versa. All of that is totally fine with me.

But, I honestly just don’t know how feasible all that is, so I’m looking for success stories, reality checks, and advice from those who navigated a newborn with existing poly relationships.

I have quite a bit of anxiety about it and I'm worried I may end up losing a really important relationship as priorities naturally change and life potentially gets too complicated on his end. I also have some guilt with the thought of him taking time away from that family unit.

New babies make our lives crazy and complicated no matter what our situation is, a mono couple, a single parent, or a poly couple in a network.

Parents of new babies don't really go "on dates." They are usually too exhausted to get dressed and go out for an evening date. The best time for a simple easy date is late morning or early afternoon, when baby is either napping or well-rested and happy. The "witching hour" often starts around 4 pm. When you have a nursing newborn, many want to be more on the breast than off between 4 pm and bedtime, and bedtime can vary from 7pm to 2 am lol. And then they want to feed at least once in the middle of the night. Or they want to play in the middle of the night.

I am sure the parents will welcome their OSOs to come over and do some laundry, or make a meal and clean the kitchen, or vacuum the floors and so on. Or they might have you hold or entertain the baby so they can go to the bathroom unmolested, or take a shower or a quick nap.

Don't expect much in the way of romantic dates for 5-8 months after baby makes their appearance. Of course, that's when teething starts though, and many babies go through hell cutting teeth...

My experience: I was once dating a guy who had recently gotten married to his second wife. They had 5 kids (2 were teens) between them, partial custody of 3 of them, full custody of 2. That made dating him hard enough, with all the coming and going. Then his wife got pregnant, and I was thrilled for them to be having one child of their own, but I knew his wife needed him while pregnant, and they'd both need him more than ever after the birth. So I bowed out. I was planning to start seeing him when things calmed down, when the baby was more settled around 6-8 months... but the pandemic hit, unfortunately, and we drifted apart.

 

[Bobbi]

My advice is don't count on any plans going as expected. Be very flexible and open to unusual chances to spend time as they may come at unexpected times or not at all. The best plan is not expecting things to go as planned.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think that they're considering the baby to be more like an adult cat than a human child.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think that they're considering the baby to be more like an adult cat than a human child.

Most new parents have no idea what it's going to be like, no matter what people tell them, or what they read about what to expect.

Of course, some people do have easy babies, or the mom doesn't breastfeed and they have nannies and housekeepers, and so their lives don't change as much. But chances are that won't be the case.

I had a friend who had four easy babies/kids, and I was so envious of her, with my three cling-ons. Then she had a fifth kid. OMG. She finally got a dose of my reality. She'd wake up to a toddler on top of her dresser, about to launch herself into space. lol. I felt vindicated.