nearly 4 years later.. it's finally real.

[Stucky]

I've been with my poly partner for nearly four years. During this time, we've had many conversations about what it (poly) looks like for us and there have been partners on both our ends. One of her partners even came from overseas and stayed in our house for a week.

It's different now.

These days, she has two other steady partners that she sees at least once a week(each) and often times spends entire nights with them. I guess this is where the rubber hits the road.

It's actually way more difficult than I could have imagined to be in this position. I don't have any other partners, I'm not the charmer that she is. I feel myself defaulting to the position of the victim, as our monogamous society's narrative would prescribe. I know that it's all in the narrative in my mind, that I can reframe it.

But I don't have another narrative to put in it's place. That's why I'm here. Hoping to find folks who have been where I am now to help figure this one out.

I didn't anticipate these feelings. if I were reading this post a year ago, I'd probably offer up some theoretical platitudes, which would do present me no good. It's something that only experience can know. A type of jealousy unique to the ken of nonmanogamy.

Thank you for reading. And thank you for your thoughts in advance.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I've been with my poly partner for nearly four years. During this time, we've had many conversations about what it (poly) looks like for us and there have been partners on both our ends. One of her partners even came from overseas and stayed in our house for a week.

How long were you with your partner prior to opening up ?? Are you married ??
Do you have children ?

In those conversations what did poly look like for you and what did it look like for her ?? Did you make the mistake in thinking that your relationship would remain the same with some spice added?

It's different now.

These days, she has two other steady partners that she sees at least once a week(each) and often times spends entire nights with them. I guess this is where the rubber hits the road.

You’re saying this was never discussed or envisioned or you couldn’t imagine how it would feel in practice ?

It's actually way more difficult than I could have imagined to be in this position. I don't have any other partners, I'm not the charmer that she is. I feel myself defaulting to the position of the victim, as our monogamous society's narrative would prescribe. I know that it's all in the narrative in my mind, that I can reframe it.

In the intro paragraph you said you had partners. How did you find them and why did it end ?

And I’m having trouble connecting society’s mono narrative to your feeling like a victim ? Didn’t you both decide to do this were you pressured ?

But I don't have another narrative to put in it's place. That's why I'm here. Hoping to find folks who have been where I am now to help figure this one out.

I didn't anticipate these feelings. if I were reading this post a year ago, I'd probably offer up some theoretical platitudes, which would do present me no good. It's something that only experience can know. A type of jealousy unique to the ken of nonmanogamy.

So you think a Good narrative or distraction ie (an outside partner) will make you happy with how this is all playing out ? Have you and she read about poly HELL.? Demotion, displacement, intrusion.

 

[sexyserb]

Like Dinged, I am a little confused by your post. On the one hand, you BOTH have had other partners. So just guessing, but it was more like a together thing or not recurring for a long period that involved you being alone.

Dinged asked another good question as to were you "coerced" into the current going on or did you happily agree to it???

Folks on here make light of it, but you touched on what many men do not understand when agreeing to "try" poly, and that is just as you have experienced your wife has as many opportunities to connect and you struggle for whatever reason. Married women very rarely are not flooded with offers to "connect", no matter what medium or method they use, while there husbands many times struggle. And in your case IT DOES SEEM TO MATTER. If you tink what I stated was incorrect, do your own experiment. Go out with your wife to a hot pick up club, wedding rings ON and visable. Then see how many men tell your wife they;re not interested because shes married versus the number of women who tell you to get lost. Then add in your lack of real confidence as you state, and that is magnified.

Now to your wife. If you have expressed your struggles, she seems not to give a crap. If you have not its time to do so. Don't buy into the genie can never be put back in the bottle crap. No, you cannot stop her or dictate what she does. But you absolutely can tell her she can do whatever she wants but not as your wife. You have some rights here.

A couple of questions
(1) did not happily agree to a guy from overseas to come strolling into your home to have sex with your wife?? If not, why did it happen.
(2) have you told her spending two nights out of the house a week is not acceptable?? If not, why not.

If the answer to those two questions is that you told her you did not approve and it happened any way, then you have a problem that only you can solve and there is not advice other than stand up for yourself or suck it up and live with it that will help you.

 

[FallenAngelina]

So you think a Good narrative or distraction ie (an outside partner) will make you happy with how his is all playing out ?

Stucky seems to be asking for a different way to think about being the partner of an active poly person. A better narrative or reframing means that we come up with a better way to describe the situation, not that we distract ourselves. We all have narratives that form our perceptions of ourselves and others, stories that may or may not be true, but greatly influence how we feel about ourselves. Change the narrative we tell ourselves, change how we feel. Stucky seems to be asking how inactive, but satisfied poly partners perceive themselves when their partner is active. Stucky wants a different way to think of himself other than the man (it's not clear whether this couple is heterosexual) who is being taken for a ride while his woman is out sipping champagne (or some such similar trope.)

 

[Stucky]

Thank you all for your responses.

FallenAngelina, you nailed it! I should have you dictate my thoughts for me

I want to clarify. I don't feel that my situation is somehow bad or unheathly. I'm just experiencing a lot of new feelings that are very confusing to me. It's like going through puberty all over again.

The idea of the "mono narrative" as I call it is the idea that my wife having other partners is "wrong" or "immoral" and I should feel righteously indignant. I don't believe that, but society (as I perceive it) has implanted this idea in my mind so deeply that it is hard to shake. My question is as FallenAngelina put it: "how inactive, but satisfied poly partners perceive themselves when their partner is active?" But not just themselves, how do they perceive the partner and their other relationships?

I am otherwise very satisfied in my marriage, she was poly when I met her so it was 'part of the deal' so to speak. I read a lot of books at the beginning and have come to really appreciate the lifestyle for it's opportunity for growth and the challenge of overcoming our hangups (which is what I'm doing here). We regularly have many long conversations about what it(poly) looks like for us, I feel it is a healthy and robust interpretation. She is very receptive to my needs and feelings. I've had some other partners, but none worked out for the myriad reasons that any relationship doesn't. Her other partners have been challenging for me, but I was able to work through it on my own. What is different now is that these are becoming long term and more "everyday" sorts of relationships, which is causing these feelings of... insecurity? I feel like that is an over-simplification. It's just feelings I'm trying to make sense of.

I also should add, I'm open to the idea of her having other LTR partners, just need to work on my narrative.

Anyway, thought someone out here might have some insight.

Thanks for reading!

 

[dingedheart]

Stucky seems to be asking for a different way to think about being the partner of an active poly person. A better narrative or reframing means that we come up with a better way to describe the situation, not that we distract ourselves. We all have narratives that form our perceptions of ourselves and others, stories that may or may not be true, but greatly influence how we feel about ourselves. Change the narrative we tell ourselves, change how we feel. Stucky seems to be asking how inactive, but satisfied poly partners perceive themselves when their partner is active. Stucky wants a different way to think of himself other than the man (it's not clear whether this couple is heterosexual) who is being taken for a ride while his woman is out sipping champagne (or some such similar trope.)

Thank you but I did understand what he was asking and I guess the answer is YES he will feel better by creating a different narrative. My comment on distraction had more to do with the fact he had trouble dating or meeting women rather than the narrative being the distraction.

 

[dingedheart]

The idea of the "mono narrative" as I call it is the idea that my wife having other partners is "wrong" or "immoral" and I should feel righteously indignant. I don't believe that, but society (as I perceive it) has implanted this idea in my mind so deeply that it is hard to shake. My question is as FallenAngelina put it: "how inactive, but satisfied poly partners perceive themselves when their partner is active?" But not just themselves, how do they perceive the partner and their other relationships?

There are several things at play here for me. 1) the use of the word narrative ( perhaps over use ) of the word by the political class makes it seem like spin. Instead of a raise they gave you a fancy title ....the janitor position was changed to cleaning services personnel. During the 8 yrs of Obama they put up phone numbers to convince everybody the economy wasn’t as bad as we were feeling ...now democrats running for office are trying to convince us the economy isn’t as good as were seeing. So you see when I hear the word narrative to me it equals spin.

2) our set points and process. My journey started out of 10yr marriage 12-13 mono relationship. Which means I was the sole focus of her romantic and sexual energy. Intellectually I bought onto the principles and concepts the difficulty was the logistics and NRE related process. Going from 1 to a fraction sucked. From being spontaneous to living with complex scheduling.
When you makes the statement that your wife is having 2 sleepovers a week and now “ the rubber is hitting the road “ I assumed from my experience and hundreds of threads on this forum that you might be experiencing the same things.

I am otherwise very satisfied in my marriage, she was poly when I met her so it was 'part of the deal' so to speak.

That’s awesome Maybe you should talk with a therapist to overcome this thing with how society veiws this. Were you raised in a strict religious environment??

I read a lot of books at the beginning and have come to really appreciate the lifestyle for it's opportunity for growth and the challenge of overcoming our hangups (which is what I'm doing here).

This attitude will serve you really well. For me at the time life and or career and family had enough challenges I wasn’t that interested looking for more. But good for you.

We regularly have many long conversations about what it(poly) looks like for us, I feel it is a healthy and robust interpretation.

What’s this mean ? And what does it look like for you ??

What is different now is that these are becoming long term and more "everyday" sorts of relationships, which is causing these feelings of... insecurity? I feel like that is an over-simplification. It's just feelings I'm trying to make sense of.

I also should add, I'm open to the idea of her having other LTR partners, just need to work on my narrative.

Would this be another separate narrative or would it be included with other narrative on how your wife is immoral and you should feel righteous indignation.?

Narrative #1. We are the center of the universe and we don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks about how we conduct our private romantic or sexual lives.

Narrative #2. Long term relationships are good because the there isn’t a NRE cycle to deal with and the cast of characters and drama is greatly/ exponentially reduced.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Stucky,

For me, the narrative is that the morality of any relationship is defined by mutual consent. To make that specific to your situation, I would say that as long as you consent to your wife having these two other steady partners, as long as you consent to her seeing each of them at least once a week, and as long as you consent to her often spending entire nights with them ... as long as you consent to those things, she is not doing anything wrong by doing those things. So then there would be no need for you to feel righteous indignation about it. But maybe you don't consent to all of those things. Is that the case? If you do not consent, then she should not be doing them. Where you stand on each of the things she is doing is vital to determining whether she is doing anything wrong. Take some time to figure out exactly what you do and do not consent to.

I don't have a lot to offer outside of that, at least not at this moment. But hopefully this is enough to help point you in the right direction.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ElMango]

Thank you all for your responses.

I want to clarify. I don't feel that my situation is somehow bad or unheathly. I'm just experiencing a lot of new feelings that are very confusing to me. It's like going through puberty all over again. ....

...I was able to work through it on my own. What is different now is that these are becoming long term and more "everyday" sorts of relationships, which is causing these feelings of... insecurity? I feel like that is an over-simplification. It's just feelings I'm trying to make sense of.

I want you to know insecurity is normal when things change, but also has a different root emotion; fear, anger, etc. This is a chance to figure out where the insecurity is coming from. I have some experience with this (and although I've been actively living with both my partners for over a year, and was living apart for like 2, etc) I still will get feelings that are confusing and I need help deciphering. Sometimes, things can be okay but not okay at the same time. DM me if you wanna talk on that more in depth.

I'd say that it sounds like you're lonely. And it can be really hard at first to, when you're home alone without another partner of your own, to not feel that way. And when we'ree alone it can spark other feelings too. I totally get that.
One thing I did at first when hubby was seeing his ex-meta (it was amicable break and they more just drifted). It was like...what do I do now? It's dark and I'm alone at night and sleeping alone is weird.

I started by making it a total self pampering night. Bubble bath, at home spa day, watch an indulgent movie, etc. Make yourself an amazing meal for just you. (fluffernutter grilled sammich yummm). And, I set up a sleep routine. I had a bedtime for myself and set up everything so that I could fall asleep relatively on time.

The structure helped with the anxiety, and helping with anxiety helped me get to the root of some insecurity and other feelings.

Also, sometimes it was helpful to talk with them about how much fun they had, and how much fun you had treating yourself. Start fostering those feelings of compersion.

I never ended up having a whole bunch of extreme compersion tbh. It was mostly like "I'm happy you had a good time and I had a good time as a result " end of.
We both, to this day, always work to keep time with other partners feel even and fair. NRE always throws a wrench in this; but again, is normal but talking about it with your partner helps
I love with both my partners, and I still work to make sure one person doesn't feel left out or alone.

Sometimes it takes a bit to find out what you need to make sure you don't feel that way.

 

[Tinwen]

The idea of the "mono narrative" as I call it is the idea that my wife having other partners is "wrong" or "immoral" and I should feel righteously indignant. I don't believe that, but society (as I perceive it) has implanted this idea in my mind so deeply that it is hard to shake. My question is as FallenAngelina put it: "how inactive, but satisfied poly partners perceive themselves when their partner is active?" But not just themselves, how do they perceive the partner and their other relationships?

I do struggle with the same stuff, especially now as my partner has a child and my parents have decided to judge us both as immoral.

I feel like -maybe- your question goes down to rethinking the purpose of having a relationship in your life. This goes deep. As long as the purpose of a marriage/primary relationship is to focus all available energy towards the partner and building a family, having other relationships approach the same level of intimacy is going to feel like a violation. When you allow more leeway for what your roles are in a relationship, the feeling may change.

My relationship provides me with most of the close understanding, support, company, spiritual stimuli & physical intimacy that I need to work on my personal goals in life. I provide the same for my partner. Is that enough? Sometimes I feel it is, sometimes it isn't.
When I become ready to focus all my energy towards family, my relationship may change.

Edit: Mango's comment on loneliness seems spot on, maybe some of your needs for intimacy are going unmet all of the sudden, and you will have to find ways to meet them yourself, with your wife, or with other people.