Need advice/direction for a new mono/poly dynamic

[ShadowBloom]

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this world and looking for some advice on how to navigate a very tender, complex situation.

I (42F, never married, no kids) recently reconnected with my long-term partner (47M, divorced, three kids). We've been together for about two years, though it’s been on and off. During one of our breaks, he met someone new (41F, bisexual, married to a gay man, two kids, possibly separating/divorcing). She pursued him, and they’ve now formed a connection.

Now that I’m back in his life, we’re taking things slower and trying to build something different—with honesty, openness, and the very real challenge of stepping into polyamory for the first time.

He’s been clear: he won’t choose between us. He values both relationships and isn’t interested in prioritizing one over the other. He says he's choosing himself for the first time and he's never going to put his validation or self worth in another person (like he did with me before) ever again. What’s hard for me to sit with is that we went from basically living together, to not talking at all, to whatever this relationship is now, but i have a hard time with him treating us equally when I feel like he and I have such a deeper connection and have been through so much together. I feel like she just gets to see the confident, charismatic and loving man that I helped to bring back from his darkness. I know I love him deeply and want a long-term relationship, but I'm struggling with fear, jealousy, and insecurity.

When we first met, what drew him in was how soft, playful, and feminine I was. I really was in that space. But over time, as he went through difficult things and I felt less secure in the relationship, I got scared. I pulled back emotionally and tried to overcompensate physically—smothering, in a way—and that pushed him away.

Now he’s with someone who doesn’t push. She accepts what he can give and doesn’t ask for more. Meanwhile, I do want more—more time, clarity, and eventually exclusivity, and he knows it, but can't (or won't) make any compromises or promises. He’s asked me to be patient and let things unfold naturally, but he won’t offer timelines or definitions. I also have a tendency to overthink like it's an Olympic sport, and spiral a bit, which gets me in trouble.

We just started therapy together, and I’ll also be doing some individual work. But in the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice from others in mono/poly or mixed-desire dynamics:

How do you manage jealousy when your partner won’t (or can’t) offer more commitment?

How do you cope with feeling like you’re “competing” with someone who seems effortlessly accepting?

How do you stay grounded in yourself when what you truly want might not be possible?

Thank you for reading this far—this is all new, and I’m trying to stay open without losing myself.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this might help you. I'm going to ask you some reflection questions for you to think about. You do not have to answer any of them. Just think on it, ok?

He’s been clear: he won’t choose between us. He values both relationships and isn’t interested in prioritizing one over the other. He says he's choosing himself for the first time, and he's never going to put his validation or self-worth in another person (like he did with me before) ever again.

Do all parties know and consent to this new poly V model, with him as the hinge? Can you and Lady also date other people besides him?

What does that part in bold mean? What behaviors did he use to do that he's stopped doing now? Can you give some examples?

What’s hard for me to sit with is that we went from basically living together, to not talking at all, to whatever this relationship is now, but i have a hard time with him treating us equally when I feel like he and I have such a deeper connection and have been through so much together.

It's been on/off for two years. When did you start dating? How many break-ups? How long was the most recent break-up before you got together again? Who was pursuing who then?

How is he treating you unfairly by treating each of you equally? What behaviors does he do?

I feel like she just gets to see the confident, charismatic and loving man that I helped to bring back from his darkness.

So she met him at the state he was in when she met him. What would you like him to be like instead?

Is this like she gets the "fun" him, and then with you, your dates with him are not fun? They are full of his problems and he treats you like the free therapist? Is he oversharing stuff from that side of the V over on to you? Blabbing things from this side over onto her?

I know I love him deeply and want a long-term relationship, but I'm struggling with fear, jealousy, and insecurity.

What are you afraid of? What do you need to feel secure in this relationship? In any relationship? Are you getting it?

Are you viewing this as a NEW relationship with him, since you broke up so many times, or as a continuation? How many 2nd chances before you are done? Do you have a limit? Has he used them all up already?

Now he’s with someone who doesn’t push. She accepts what he can give and doesn’t ask for more.

How do you even know that about her? She told you? He told you? Could he be telling lies about that?

Meanwhile, I do want more— more time, clarity, and eventually exclusivity, and he knows it, but can't (or won't) make any compromises or promises.

What's wrong with you wanting those things from a partner? Maybe he's just not the right partner for you? Love alone is not enough for deep compatibility. There has to be other things.

If you ultimately want exclusivity/monogamy, what are you doing participating in a poly V with a guy who says he won't ever give it? Is this a good use of your dating time and energy?

He’s asked me to be patient and let things unfold naturally, but he won’t offer timelines or definitions.

Is there some reason YOU can't make your own timelines and definitions, and if he doesn't meet the mark, drop him? If he doesn't make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner, he just doesn't. He's not entitled to dating access to you. It's ok if you decide 2 years is enough rocky up and down, you want exclusive monogamy, and since it's not on the table here, you don't feel like spending MORE of your time on this.
Your time and energy are valuable. You don't have to choose to spend it here.

I also have a tendency to overthink, like it's an Olympic sport, and spiral a bit, which gets me in trouble. We just started therapy together, and I’ll also be doing some individual work. But in the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice from others in mono/poly or mixed-desire dynamics:

You could do individual therapy for your stuff.

I'm not sure doing couple therapy with a recent ex, who is suddenly back wanting a poly V that you don't really want, is a great idea.

How do you manage jealousy when your partner won’t (or can’t) offer more commitment?

How do you cope with feeling like you’re “competing” with someone who seems effortlessly accepting?

How do you stay grounded in yourself when what you truly want might not be possible?

For me? All of those are answered with "I have to accept that this is not a runner. This is not what I'm seeking. I'm not spending my time here."

Jealousy is a feeling. It's ok to experience that. But dating a guy who won't give you clear info and wants a poly V when you want exclusive/monogamy is just not compatible. Signing up again when it's a non-starter seems like just dragging out a break-up, rather than letting it be DONE.

If you wanted to do polyamory, why's it got to be with him? You could date a healthier poly partner who WOULD give you more time, clarity, compromises, and promises. If they are poly, they might be able to give you commitment, but not exclusivity. You sound like you want that a lot so... why give it up? Date for what you actually want.

How to stay grounded in yourself? You stick with your core values.

Here, you are not doing so (dating for monogamy) and you aren't getting some of them (time, clarity, compromise, promises, commitment, exclusivity). I do not recommend bending yourself into pretzels just to keep the relationship going, when it's just not a match. I guess you could examine WHY you are doing this to yourself and what you hope to achieve. You could talk it out with your counselor.

Galagirl

 

[MoPoly]

I hear that this is difficult. However, it seems that he has been open and quite clearly said where he is at now in terms of wanting polyamorous relationships with both you and his new partner, while you are saying that you want to move towards exclusivity. So are you just ‘putting up’ with a polyamory phase while you try to move him into monogamy? If the two of you really have very separate goals then, as much as you love each other, it’s going to be hard to find a way to make this work.

Successful polyamory asks each of us to really step up in our own journeys towards building self confidence, a sense of self worth, and an understanding that we can be loved for whom we are - different and unique from our metamours, offering different ways of loving, appreciating different qualities in our partners. If you constantly compare yourself to his other partner it will eat away at you. Perhaps she is more accepting, and as she knows and accepts him for ‘who he is now,' and doesn’t know ‘who he was then,’ he finds it easier or enjoys it. Yet he still wants and desires you because you are also special to him, so much so that he’s willing to do therapy with you. In polyamory, loving more than one is not seen as a contradiction or an ‘either-or,’ but a way of embracing the full gamut of who we are and how we can love.

It is hard to manage jealousy and feelings of competition for those set on monogamy. I think my best advice is not to experiment with polyamory if your heart isn’t in it. You should just be you. And if you’re monogamous, you shouldn’t try to bend yourself into a pretzel shape in the hope that he’ll change his mind. Better to say, “I’ve thought this through very carefully. I want and need monogamy. If you can’t make that commitment to me, then I can’t be in this relationship with you. But if you can, then I would love to work this out with you.”

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ShadowBloom,

It sounds like the way your partner is arranging you and his new partner is both equal and unfair. He is indebted to you in a way, and is not making good on that debt. Furthermore you have to wonder, if he can be unfair toward you now, what's to stop him from abandoning you in the future? I don't blame you for feeling jealous, insecure, and scared. Here are some links for managing jealousy:

• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[LoveBunny]

My last r'ship, he wanted poly, I really didn't. I'd been poly in my younger days, but was starting to realize what I really wanted was a level of companionship & commitment that did not feel present for me in poly. I went along with it for a few years, waiting for him to realize I was all that he needed. I slept with other people here and there, just to remind myself that I could. I never really wanted those other people, though. I was just trying to create some balance so I didn't feel like I was being walked all over. Mostly, dating others just felt like a waste of time, when the person I really wanted was my partner.

Ultimately, my self-esteem got lower & lower the longer I stayed, the more I threatened to leave, but didn't. Eventually, my distress reached critical mass, our r'ship ended, I grieved/healed/grew for a year, then got into a r'ship with a steadfastly monogamous person who fulfills all my needs for companionship, sex & commitment. So my advice is you should listen to what your soul is telling you. You don't want a partner who is dividing his time, attention & resources between multiple women. So stop dating a partner who is looking for that. You're wasting your own time, and his.

 

[Tinwen]

To me, this sounds like you want more from a relationship than this man (with or without the other lady) is willing to give you. You already encountered this mismatch in needs. (You say you "smothered him" and "pushed him away.") He has three kids and now another partner. He isn't willing or able to give you as much time and attention as you'd like in a relationship. He isn't wiling to be exclusive. You want an exclusive relationship. I think you should keep on looking for a monogamous partner.

 

[ShadowBloom]

I'm going to ask you some reflection questions. You do not have to answer any of them.


Do all parties know and consent to this new poly V model, with him as the hinge? Can you and Lady also date other people besides him?

Thank you for the questions. Some I can answer, some I honestly have to think about for a while.

Yes, all parties know and consent. We can date other people. We just have an agreement to be open about it, and let each other know, if that's the case. I have gone on a few dates that he does know about. I just didn't have any connections with those people.

What does that part in bold mean? What behaviors did he use to do that he stopped doing now? Can you give some examples?


It's been on/off for two years. When did you start dating? How many break-ups? How long was the most recent break-up before together again? Who was pursuing who then?

He stopped keeping the promises he made to himself- working out, taking time for himself, prioritizing rebuilding his business after his divorce. Instead, he hyper-focused on me and making me happy. When we met, he was still in the process of divorce from a 2- year relationship.
We started dating Sept 2023. 3 breakups- always initiated by him (the first two only lasted about 2 weeks). Last breakup was in late January, but we were in and out of contact with each other for several weeks after that, then didn't talk for several weeks. He was the one that reached out again. Which, by the way, is very much not the norm for me. I have never gotten back with an ex, let alone three times.

How is he treating you unfairly by treating each of you equally? What behaviors does he do?

I might just have only-child syndrome with that one, to be honest. I know I need a lot of attention, and I was already sharing him with his kids, his family and his business. I'm being a bit of a brat because I don't want to share with yet another person.

So she met him at the state he was in when she met him. What would you like him to be like instead?

Is this like she gets the "fun" him and then with you, your dates with him are not fun? They are full of his problems and he treats you like the free therapist? Is he oversharing stuff from that side of the V over onto you? Blabbing things from this side over onto her?

Good point. It's not like she was hovering this entire time waiting for him to be where he is now. It is what it is. And we do have fun dates. He is very good at being fully present with me when he's with me (and vice versa with Jennifer). He's actually very respectful, and has asked me how much I want him to tell me about what's happening with her (of course, within the bounds of privacy). Aka, do I want him to tell me when he's seeing her or not.

What are you afraid of? What do you need to feel secure in this relationship? In any relationship? Are you getting it?

Security is absolutely it. I have some pretty bad trust issues that I drug along with me that I'm working really hard on. I would say he has done that for me about 80% of the time, but my brain holds onto the 20% where I felt like the ground was crumbling beneath my feet. (Yes, dramatic, I know.)

Are you viewing this as a NEW relationship with him, since you broke up so many times, or as a continuation? How many 2nd chances before you are done? Do you have a limit? Has he used them all up already?

A little bit of both. Obviously, there's a lot of history there with us, but this time is much slower of a restart and, of course, a new dynamic. Plus he's in a much different head space than he had been previously, and me, as well.

How do you even know that about her? She told you? He told you? Could he be telling lies about that?

He told me, and he really has never lied to me, and has no reason to lie about that.

What's wrong with you wanting those things from a partner? Maybe he's just not the right partner for you? Love alone is not enough for deep compatibility. There has to be other things.

If you ultimately want exclusive/monogamy, what are you doing participating in a poly V with a guy who says he won't ever give it? Is this a good use of your dating time and energy?

He hasn't said he won't ever He just likes where he's at right now and wants to stay there for a while. This is his first time doing something like this, so he's figuring it out as he goes, too. We are very compatible on a lot of levels-- hobbies/interests, intellectually, life goals (outside of the relationship).

And I can't say for certain that I would never be okay with this arrangement. I'd actually been in a casual but still poly relationship years ago, with 3 other people, and it was great for me and what I wanted at the time. And as far as good use of my time and energy? Maybe... For whatever reason, I can't seem to just move on from this one like I have been able to in the past with other relationships.

Is there some reason YOU can't make your own timelines and definitions? And if he doesn't meet the mark, you drop him? If he doesn't make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner? He just doesn't. He's not entitled to dating access to you. It's ok if you decide 2 years is enough rocky up and down, you want exclusive/monogamy, and since it's not on the table here, you don't feel like spending MORE of your time on this.

Your time and energy are valuable. You don't have to choose to spend it here.

I can make my own timelines, and pretty much have in my head. I know I may very well cause myself a ton of pain in the end, but I'm making that choice right now.

You could do individual therapy for your stuff.

I'm not sure doing couple therapy with a recent ex who is suddenly back wanting a poly V that you don't really want is a great idea.

Absolutely- I'm going to keep seeing this therapist on my own.

For me, all of those are answered with "I have to accept that this is not a runner. This is not what I'm seeking. I'm not spending my time here."

Jealousy is a feeling. It's ok to experience that. But dating a guy who won't give you clear info, and wants a poly V, when you want exclusive/monogamy is just not compatible. Signing up again when it's a non-starter seems like just dragging out a break-up, rather than letting it be DONE.

If you wanted to do polyamory, why's it got to be with him? You could date a healthier poly partner who WOULD give you more time, clarity, compromises, and promises. If they are poly they might be able to give you commitment, but not exclusivity. You sound like you want that a lot so... why give it up? Date for what you actually want.

I don't know how it would change the math for me if I could find another partner that was poly. It's not necessarily that I need exclusivity in all of my relationships, I think I'm just having a hard time dealing without it in this one. And to be honest, I want to make sure that if I do date other people, it's because I actually want to, not just a tit for tat thing to make me feel better about myself. And it's only been about a month, so I'm just going to sit with it for a while yet.

How to stay grounded in yourself? You stick with your core values. You are not doing so here (dating for monogamy) and you aren't getting some of them( time, clarity, compromise, promises, commitment, exclusivity). I do not recommend bending yourself into pretzels, just to keep the relationship going, when it's just not a match. You could examine WHY you are doing this to yourself and what you hope to achieve. You could talk it out with your counselor.

You're right, and not the first to tell me not to try and twist myself into something for him. I will absolutely be talking about it with my counselor. Personally, I'm terrible with uncertainty (most people are, I get it, but I can really do a number on myself), and that more than anything- lack of clarity and direction- is what has me so anxious.

 

[ShadowBloom]

It sounds like the way your partner is arranging you and his new partner is both equal and unfair. He is indebted to you in a way, and is not making good on that debt. Furthermore you have to wonder, if he can be unfair toward you now, what's to stop him from abandoning you in the future? I don't blame you for feeling jealous, insecure, and scared. Here are some links for managing jealousy:

• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hopefully that helps.

Thank you for those resources. I will definitely be looking into them. For what it's worth, he's said he would never leave me for another woman, and I know he loves me deeply. And yes, excuses, but I can't help it. I love him. I can see the growth and healing he's done in the time we've known each other. I can understand a lot of where he's coming from, and how his trauma has informed a lot of his decisions about him and us in the past. I get from the outside I look like a fool, and maybe I am, but for whatever reason I'm just not done with this chapter yet.

 

[ShadowBloom]

My last r'ship, he wanted poly, I really didn't. I'd been poly in my younger days, but was starting to realize what I really wanted was a level of companionship & commitment that did not feel present for me in poly. I went along with it for a few years, waiting for him to realize I was all that he needed. I slept with other people here and there, just to remind myself that I could. I never really wanted those other people, though. I was just trying to create some balance so I didn't feel like I was being walked all over. Mostly, dating others just felt like a waste of time, when the person I really wanted was my partner.

Ultimately, my self-esteem got lower & lower the longer I stayed, the more I threatened to leave, but didn't. Eventually, my distress reached critical mass, our r'ship ended, I grieved/healed/grew for a year, then got into a r'ship with a steadfastly monogamous person who fulfills all my needs for companionship, sex & commitment. So my advice is you should listen to what your soul is telling you. You don't want a partner who is dividing his time, attention & resources between multiple women. So stop dating a partner who is looking for that. You're wasting your own time, and his.

I don't know if he truly wants poly forever. He's never tried before. Actually, out of the three of us, I probably have the most experience, but like you, that was my younger days. I might be doing exactly what you had to go through right now. I'm not (completely) delusional about this situation, but I also know that I was feeling a bit caged-in by a traditional relationship, as well, and we have always talked about adding in others in a more swinger-type situation. So it's not that I can't handle him sleeping with other people. I think its more the emotional intimacy side of it with another partner that I struggle with more. But if it does start to erode my self-esteem, I would like to think that I do at least have enough dignity to walk away. Time will tell.

 

[ShadowBloom]

To me, this sounds like you want more from a relationship than this man (with or without the other lady) is willing to give you. You already encountered this mismatch in needs (you say you "smothered him" and "pushed him away"). He has three kids and now another partner. He isn't willing or able to give you as much time and attention as you'd like in a relationship. He isn't wiling to be exclusive. You want an exclusive relationship. I think you should keep on looking for a monogamous partner.

Fair, and that's what it may be. I'm still curious enough to try, though. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and most days I'm more okay than not. I just had a really bad day and was spiraling a bit when I posted the first time.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info. FWIW, this sticks out to me.

• When we met he was still in the process of divorce from a 20-year relationship.
• Started dating Sept 2023
• 3 breakups- always initiated by him (the first two only lasting about 2 weeks).
• Last breakup was in late January 2025. In and out of contact with each other for several weeks after that, then didn't talk for several weeks. He was the one that reached out again.
• So, you were broken up like a month, and then got back together. In that month-long break, he started dating Jennifer. (Is that actually true or did they start dating before that?)

Which is very much not the norm for me. I have never gotten back with an ex, let alone three times.

So what makes this one so great that you go against your usual and make the exception? Are you able to articulate that?

Did you get love bombed?

He hyper-focused on me and making me happy.

Is the hyper-focus on you right now and you like that attention? Why does it even have to be hyper-focus?

I might have only-child syndrome... I need a lot of attention. I was already sharing him with his kids, his family and his business. I'm being a bit of a brat because I don't want to share with yet another person.

You seem to like a lot of attention. I don't necessarily call it "brat" -- but you like lots of attention. You are getting it right now, so don't want to break up. But it also sounds like you don't trust that this level of attention will last. You don't feel secure, because he's broken up with you three times already in a short timeframe.

I was feeling a bit caged-in by a traditional relationship. We have always talked about adding in others in a more swinger-type situation, so it's not that I can't handle him sleeping with other people. I think it's more the emotional intimacy side of it with another partner that I struggle with more.

You want "open to swinging," at most. You want to be the only romantic partner and want romantic exclusivity, then some swinging experiences. So this polyamorous V isn't the kind of non-monogamy you are actually seeking. Is that it? Could any of that be true?

He's said he would never leave me for another woman. I know he loves me deeply.

Does it matter if it's breaking up with you, or breaking up with you to be with some other woman? The impact is the same -- breaking up with you.

It sounds like, for now, you want to stick with this. But if he breaks up with you again, I think you need to let it be the LAST time. Do NOT get back together, even if he wants you to.

You can't feel secure in a relationship where he just drops you, and then won't leave you be, and talks you into taking him back a few short weeks later. You are not the emotional punching bag for him. It's too much up-and-downy, some odd push-pull thing. That gets exhausting.

It's not necessarily that I need exclusivity in all of my relationships. I'm just having a hard time dealing without it in this one. I want to make sure that if i do date other people, it's because I actually want to, not just a tit for tat thing to make me feel better about myself. It's only been a month, so I'm just going to sit with it for a while.

I'm not suggesting you date other people, like "tit for tat," just because he'd dating Jennifer. I am saying you might want to date someone who is more STABLE and doesn't break up so much. That gets old.

It's only been a month of dating again, but keep it in mind. You can't keep riding some emotional roller coaster. NRE lasts 6-24 mos. So if this is a "new chapter" with him, YOU decide on a timeline. Could give it 6 mos, and if things aren't better by then, cut your losses and move on.

There's only so much "growing pains" and "feeling anxious" that you feel like clocking here.

You're not the first to tell me not to try and twist myself into something for him. I will absolutely be talking about it with my counselor. Personally I'm terrible with uncertainty, and that more than anything, lack of clarity and direction is what has me so anxious.

If people in real life who know you are telling you this, along with internet people, at some point you could reflect on all that. Why are you twisting? Do talk this over with your counselor. Dating someone shouldn't ding your mental health or cost you your well-being.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

Fair, and that's what it may be. I'm still curious enough to try, though. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and most days I'm more okay than not. I just had a really bad day and was spiraling a bit when I posted the first time.

Sure, sometimes we post in distress and we're not telling the whole story. Then people react as if it were an objective description.
You could try writing a more objective description on an average day, for the forum, for your counselor or just for yourself.

 

[ShadowBloom]

Well, after talking with him and the counselor in an individual setting I'm finally going to listen to literally everyone else but my brain. I told him this arrangement was hurting me and I needed some space from it all. We are still amicable, but I realize I need to focus on myself more before I try anything again (with anyone).

 

[Tinwen]

Sending some good wishes your way. May you stay strong!

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry you had to break up -- it does sound like a breakup. I suppose it's possible he will get his ducks in a row later on, and then maybe he'll be a suitable partner if you want to get back together. In the meantime, I think you have made the right decision.