Need advice for a possible poly

[sillyfox]

Hello, I’m new here and need some advice.

I’m a bisexual men who is terrible with relationships and love things. I’ve been married for 8 years to a women (A) and we have a 2 year old daughter. She is the only relationship I have had in life. Even we knowing each other only in our twenties. (I really suck at making friends and relationships.)

I came out to her this year after thinking about my life and my past interest in men, sexually speaking (based mostly on porn stuff). She was concerned I wanted to experiment with men, but I told her I wasn't interested in doing this. In fact, at that time I almost had no friends and I really don't want to have sex with people I'm not involved with. (I'm a really romantic guy and need that connection.)

Now this is the situation: three months ago I met a guy online (B) who became my best friend really quickly! We talk about everything, including my sexual interests and my mind condition. (I’m autistic with anxiety disorder and OCD.) He has a boyfriend (C) and I've become a great friend of his also. But, suddenly, we (B and I) started to feel love for each other. We became very intimate and started to plan a future together. But this week, we noticed we were going too fast and we started to feel bad because our partners didn’t know about it. So we stepped back to friend status until we get on the same page with our partners and discover more about us together. I felt very bad, but thank God this happened before a bad thing happened.

C is great! He knows me and B talk a lot about sexual things, but I don't know how much he knows about B's feelings for me. I think he knows there is a special thing about me and B together because we chat a lot.

But my wife is really different. She was concerned before about me being bi and never again talked about it. She is insecure and feels I might leave her anytime, which is not the case. I really love her, even when we are having problems. (Raising a child is not that easy.) I know I want to be with her forever. She has mental conditions also (ADHD and depression, which comes and goes), and she can't adapt well with therapists. Even though she is very open-minded for some things, this aspect involving romantic and sexual things is very complex to her.

I know I was not seeking another relationship, and neither was B. We fell in love with each other in a very natural way. Now I really won't leave either A or B. We (B and I) stated we are good with being only friends, if A or C are not good with this at all, but I really want to be with both. Also, I'm planning to visit B and C in January because of a project I'm working on now (which I got with B's help) in their city, and I will stay in their house.

So, I need some advice: how can I talk with my wife about it? I don't know even how to start! One thing that came to my mind is talk slowly, first telling her who B is, saying he is my best friend and that I will be staying in his house when I go to present the project at the university. But I don't know how to get this going and talk really about possibly doing poly with her.

Thanks in advance!!!!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello sillyfox,

You might start by saying to A, something like, "Honey, I still love you as much as ever, but now I am also having feelings for another person, namely B. Can we talk about the possibility of a polyamorous arrangement in our lives?" That's about the best you can do, and you can't expect A to say yes, she is her own person and has a right to give or withhold her consent. You may end up in a position where you have to choose between A and B.

It may be that you will talk to A about polyamory more than once. Sometimes a person needs some time to think before they are ready to say, "Yes." You do not know how much time A will need.

I hope this works out for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Most successful polyamorous couples, who have been mono and are just opening up, take at least a year, if not two, to do research into polyamory. It's not as simple as one partner falling in love with another, and telling their spouse, who then goes, "Great! I want you to be happy. Just go for it!"

No. Your spouse was already threatened when you came out as bi. You talked about it a little bit. Then you both dropped the subject.

Add to that, you have a kid who is only two. As you said, it's very difficult. Two year olds are very demanding, physically and emotionally. You and your wife need to put a lot of energy into your child right now. But you are instead flirting, "falling in love" and making future plans with a man that (it seems) you haven't even met yet.

Maybe that's just a nice escape from the trials and difficulty of being the dad of a very young child. It's all fun, it's easy, it's sexy, it's exciting! There are no diapers, no bedtime fusses, no one throwing their food on the floor, waking up in the middle of the night, crying, throwing tantrums, etc., etc.

Think long and hard about your priorities. Doing polyamory with kids in the mix is a HUGE step. Your child didn't ask to be brought into the world. it was your choice to have the kid. Upsetting your wife right now with your new romance will take tons of energy from both of you to work out.

She might resent you going off to this other city and having fun with two "nice" men you find attractive as friends, and one as a possible lover, talking, having undisturbed meals and doing adult activities, while she's home with the child being a good mom. I can imagine that would not seem fair or reassuring to her, just when you two need to be a strong team for your child. If you think she is depressed already, this won't help. She doesn't even have a good therapist she clicks with.