Need advice-- not happy being mono

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Onysablet

New member
Hello. I really need some advice. I have been polyamorous all my life and have been in several poly relationships before. I went through a crash and burn phase and ended up getting with a really good monoamorous partner.

Problem: for five years I have been mono with him, but unhappy. I talk to him about being polyamorous, and how not being poly affects me. He wants me to be monoamorous with him, and sees the poly side of me as like a sickness or lack of love for him. He doesn't want to read any books or seek counsel on this. I do love him in my own way, but I have been making a sacrifice of my own personal happiness. I do not think I can make him feel secure enough.

We have been fighting about this for about three months. I would mention it once or twice a year, but get only negative results, which forced me to conceal my polyamorous nature further.

I can't stand it anymore. I keep pushing to get my needs met. Am I wrong? Should I break it off? I don't know what to do. I just feel heartsick.
 
Onysablet said:
I have been poly all my life. I ended up getting with a really good mono partner. Problem: for five years I have been mono with him, but unhappy. i talk to him about being poly. He sees the poly side of me as like a sickness or lack of love for him. he doesn't want to read any books or seek council on this. I have been making a sacrifice of my own personal happiness. I do not think i can make him feel secure enough. I can't stand it any ore. I keep pushing to get my needs met. Am I wrong? should I break it off?
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I think you should take a break. Go your separate ways and explore people who fit your natures better. Do you really want to spend your life in agony because you are denying yourself other relationships? Is it fair to ask him to possibly subject himself to a life of agony over new relationships coming into your and his life?

Sometimes people are better off sharing certain aspects of themselves, as opposed to all. Perhaps you would make better friends than lovers.
 
I think I would give him one last shot; armed with information and books. And be firm. "This is going to happen for me. Either you are with me or not."

You are not "sick." You are quite normal. Give him some proof of that and make a statement by walking away. Either he will miss you so much he will start looking at the stuff you have brought to his attention, or not, in which case it's goodbye time.
 
We have been together for five years. I have always been honest with him about my wants, but he has always expressed a lot of insecurity, so I always held off. I kind of thought that if we eased into it, as primary partners, then things would get better and he would feel less insecure, as he saw that he was not being dumped for another guy or girl. But he really just thought that I would grow out of this 'mood' and put the 'fantasy' of my past poly relationships behind me.

He has been really good to me for five years, though. When I met him, I was self-destructive, because one of my prior partners was abusive. I have become a stronger person through his love and affection. But now, especially in the past two years, I have met a lot of really nice people and couples, with whom I would enjoy a poly relationship. But my lover says no. I have been trying to get him to read Opening Up with me, but he rejects book learning.

I am thinking that ending it with him is the only thing I can do. He says he loves me, but could never stand seeing me with another. I have been working on making him feel secure, but it never seems enough. I am bending over backwards to make him feel secure, but this forces me to sacrifice all my other friendships and only focus on him.

I have probably answered my own question, but is there a way to save this? Or is there really no way to work with a person with such deep insecurity?

Poly is natural to me, like all of my kink and stuff, but none of what I like is natural to him. I guess I need to stop deluding myself that he will change.

Answered my own question.
 
Onysablet said:
Any thoughts on a reasonable timeline?
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My suggestion: NOW. Take it from someone married to someone who feels like your SO. I presented my thoughts of poly before I was married, and she thought I was crazy! So because of my ignorance, I did too, and the desire lay dormant because I felt it just wasn't possible. Two years later, I saw a show on TLC that gave a name to my desired relationship. Now I'm feeling like you. If you wait any longer, you'll regret it. I promise you.

Try as you might, from what you wrote, he just doesn't seem like he's gonna come around. Move on, and find what you've been missing. DON'T STOP until you have the ones you want this time.
 
Onysablet, we are both in the same boat, as we are both in long-term relationships with partners who refuse. My husband makes me feel dirty if I bring it up, so I keep it buried deep inside. I believe The Big D is inevitable. What do you think you will do? The heartache is so awful. I'm right there with ya.

Unusuality, are you referring to The Strange Sex episode on polyamory? The lightbulb went on in my head when I first saw it. Everything made sense to me after that.
 
I believe there isn't anything one can do to make another person feel more secure. You can provide love and support, but their insecurities require inner work to do on their own. For your part, there is a difference between sacrifice and surrender. As long as he is unwilling to deal with his insecurities or try to understand your point of view and desires, you are sacrificing too much of yourself -- in other words, it is at your own expense. Walking away in a firm but loving way not only is a route to standing up for yourself but may be the shake-up he needs to look deeper into himself -- although you can't know or be responsible for how he takes it.
 
nycindie said:
I believe there isn't anything one can do to make another person feel more secure.
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I am not saying anyone is wrong in this, but here is where a critical misunderstanding in people can create an un-bridgeable divide. Insecurity is not always the motivation behind a partner's resistance to poly. Sometimes it is a fundamental value in how we express and expect love expressed to us. Often that is with exclusivity.

Some people were not meant to mix. Like oil and water, they can temporarily create the image of blending, but when things settle, they separate.

There is no right or wrong, only difference.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Insecurity is not always the motivation behind a partner's resistance to poly.
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I agree. My post was in response to this, which is what stood out for me:
Onysablet said:
We have been together for five years. I have always been honest with him about my wants, but he has always expressed a lot of insecurity. I am bending over backwards to make him feel secure.
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