Need advice on a metamour who was abused

[Lissa]

Apologies if this is not allowed, but I’m not sure who else I should ask with this. I just left a relationship of 2 years with a poly man as his secondary partner. This was my first experience with poly so I could use some advice from those more experienced in the community, and just in general. I left because although I cared for him deeply, he just didn’t treat me very well, bordering on emotionally abusive behaviours. His actions didn’t have anything to do with poly, and I want to be clear that I have no problem with poly, I don’t think poly makes people bad, etc. My problem is that I’m concerned for my ex-metamour, who has been his primary for almost 10 years now. I recently found her online blog (slightly hidden but easy to identify it as her if you know what to look for), detailing way worse things that he has done to her—violating their relationship contracts, being verbally abusive, violent outbursts, and some way worse stuff I can’t go into. I never would have guessed because they have a very “power couple” type of vibe in our local poly community.

I feel like I should reach out to her, because according to her blog posts, she hasn’t talked to anyone about this and it has caused her significant mental health issues. But, these events between them happened years ago before I met them, I have no idea how their relationship functions now (her blog posts tapered off), and I don’t want to upset whatever they have going on if they have improved, or put her in any kind of danger. But, if she is stuck in an abusive relationship I might be one of the only people who might be able to reach out to her since I got a slight taste of the same stuff from the same person. If she is in this deep, she may not want to have anything to do with me, especially as an ex—she may tell her primary/my now ex and they will think I am trying to stir shit up between them because of our own break up, and they might drag my name through the mud (“she’s jealous, she can’t let him go,” etc.). I don’t really see either of them since the break up but almost all of our friends and acquaintances are mutual, so this would significant. People would definitely believe them over me.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Or have any advice or ideas of what I should do? Would it even be weird to just talk to my ex-metamour in a friendship way? We were always on friendly terms, she’s a very sweet woman but I don’t know the “etiquette” about it in the community after a break up as this is my first experience with poly. Thank you for reading.

 

[vinsanity0]

I understand the wanting to help someone you think might be in distress, but you are probably better off not getting involved. Communities tend to be very cliquish. If they have status as some sort of "power couple" in your community, it will be hard to get past that. That is how abusive men thrive in this sort of community. It's not right, but it's a vicious circle. There is probably no harm in being friendly with her in a community sort of way. With any luck she might open up to you, but that should be on her terms. You shouldn't push it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

You managed to leave the abuse. It's new and recent. It's ok to prioritize YOUR health and well being right now. You prob don't want to get sucked back in or sign up for a new round of abuse from him like him mudslinging and making drama. Keeping away from them might be best.


YOUR ANXIETY

I could be wrong but all this sounds like YOUR anxieties. This is why I would say keep away from them so you can finish YOUR healing.

If you were used to monitoring how your abuser was feeling/doing so he wouldn't hail doom on your head? You may need time away to UNLEARN all the "what if this" and "what if that" response. Because to a stranger looking in? None of it has to be your problem now.

I have no idea how their relationship functions now (her blog posts tapered off), and I don’t want to upset whatever they have going on if they have improved, or put her in any kind of danger.

If he's abusing her she is already in hot water. You talking to her now or later isn't gonna change that.

If she is in this deep, she may not want to have anything to do with me, especially as an ex

So she ignores your note/email/text/you talking to her. Not a big deal.

—she may tell her primary/my now ex and they will think I am trying to stir shit up between them because of our own break up,

If she's being abused she's unlikely to tell him she talked to you. Because he can just as easily flip it around on her and beat her up for it. Like what's she doing talking to you, he told her to ignore you, yadda yadda.

What they think is not your responsibility. They could think they are pink dragons with dragon hunters coming to get them. That's not your doing or your problem.

and they might drag my name through the mud (“she’s jealous, she can’t let him go,” etc.).

And you can say "Wow. I break up with him for treating me poorly. I try to tell my meta a decent goodbye. Then they act like THAT? Whatevs. Glad I left that wacky."

And carry on living your life as normal, not caring what they do or say.

My friend Daisy left her abusive ex husband. I was one of her few friends. He didn't like it and he called me every name in the book.

She told me once he said I was ultimate evil. I started to laugh. "Oh, yes. Me sitting here playing board games with you and folding laundry amid kids. I am soooo evil because I tell you that you can think for yourself. Well, I DO think you can decide for yourself if I am evil or not. He doesn't have to think for you and point it out to you. If you decide I'm evil, you can choose to stop coming over. Want some cookies?"

Another friend of ours raged at me that I was so calm. Why I wasn't telling her to leave his sorry ass. I told her the husband rages at Daisy and bosses her around already. So she didn't need her friends basically raging at her and telling her what to do too. Why heap abuse on top of abuse? She also wasn't ready to leave -- no job, no money, etc. She just needed to hear that how he behaves is not ok and she needed to see home life could be different.

I don’t really see either of them since the break up but almost all of our friends and acquaintances are mutual, so this would significant. People would definitely believe them over me.

So? You know what happened. And if the "power couple" starts mudslinging and the "friends" side with them? You can stop being friends with the fair weather people. You have your own power over your life. You can choose what company you keep.

I had mutual friends who were still friends with Daisy's husband during their divorce. I told each of those mutual friends I don't feel safe around that man and I cannot allow myself to attend functions with him present. So please do not invite me if they also invite him. I'll see them at other times. I'm not going to tell them who to be friends with, but I cannot allow me to be around him.

I'm not going to go to their weddings or BBQs or birthdays with him around and play "nice guest" with him when I know he used to beat the crap out of her and she'd end up sobbing on my couch because he threw her out for the night all banged up. That's fucked up.

If your friends are friends with your former abuser? Maybe they don't need to still be your friends.

Or if you are friends with just them? Avoid dealing in "group events" where he's gonna be around and let them figure out at their own pace what kind of character he has.
Some of my friends woke up to the fact on their own. Some friends I dropped.

DIRECT CONTACT

I feel like I should reach out to her, because according to her blog posts, she hasn’t talked to anyone about this and it has caused her significant mental health issues.

You guessed it is her blog and it may even be so. But you do not KNOW, and some of the entries are old/tapered off.

What would you reach out to her FOR? Like to do what?

If she is being abused and hasn't budged in 10 years, it is unlikely that she's gonna after 1 convo with you.

I suppose you could let her know you are around if she wants to reach out to you. But that can happen later. It doesn't have to happen RIGHT NOW when you are still healing from your own break up.

If and when you decide to mention it... maybe something simple in the bathroom when he isn't around and you are all at a community event. Nothing written, text, email, etc in case he spies on her things.

"Hey. I wanted to say... I broke up with him but I had no ill will towards you and wished you well. Just didn't get to say it back then. I had to leave because he treated me poorly, bordering on emotional abuse. I hope he's not doing stuff like that to you. But if so, and if you ever need an ear that will believe you, you can call. And if you don't want to call, that's ok too. Just know nobody deserves to be treated bad in their relationships."​

Then leave the ball in her court. She will contact you or not. But at minimum you will have affirmed to her that nobody deserves to be treated poorly.

INDIRECT CONTACT WITH HER

At your poly meetups or panels or whatever you have/do in your groups... are there times to talk about what to do if things go wrong or how to recognize abuse? Maybe you don't want to be the one to organize that because people will think it's about your break up with him and you don't want that kind of attention.

You could let some some time go by. Whatever library, community center, bar, restaurant you all gather at -- you could quietly ask the manager type person if it is ok to hang some tear offs on the back of the bathroom stall doors for Valentine's day or whenever. Many places have them as printables. Nobody from your poly group needs to know it was you asking manager about it. But someone in trouble may want to know and it might help them -- be it your ex-meta or someone else in the poly community struggling with it behind closed doors.

Here is one example for the national one here. You can google "abuse tear off flier" along with your location to get one more geared toward your area resources.

http://www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2015/05/tear-off-posters.pdf

Every time I see them taped to the back of the bathroom stalls I am both glad and sad. Glad they are there, and sad when I see so many torn off.

I've also given out the

https://speakoutloud.net/

link to people many times.

I don't know if any of that helps you.

CONCLUSION

Please focus on your OWN healing first. You are not responsible for the well being of your meta in her private life. You can be friendly when you see her around community events. You don't have to feel bad or guilty that that is all you can do right now.

If you do a little more than that? Keep it ok for you.

If she had a cavity you might give her your dentist number. You would not do the dental work yourself.

If she had car problems you might give her your mechanic number. You would not do the car repair yourself.

So if she's being hurt and decides she wants to leave? She will need various professionals to help her out. You do not have to do that work yourself.

Giving her a number or website to find those professionals is enough. You do not have to be everything to everyone.

Galagirl

 

[Lissa]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies, everyone. Still weighing my options on everything but it seems best to keep my distance, at least for now.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Lissa,

I think my vote is to just reach out to your ex-metamour as a friend, you don't have to mention abuse unless she brings it up. Also be discreet, you don't want to arouse the suspicions of her primary (your ex). Make like it's a casual friendship.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Sentinel]

I think you should look after yourself first.

Are you comfortable now having left the relationship?

Is there enduring resentment? Do you still hold anger? etc. If so, my advice would be don't engage because it will be hard for you to separate your situation from your metamour's. Why did you go looking for the blog?

If you ARE comfortable right now, then sure, reach out. Not enough people ask 'Are you okay?'. It doesn't have to be a big thing. It could be as little as, 'I saw your blog and wanted to ask if you are okay?'

But if you do that, make sure it's about them and not you.