Need advice on my new poly relationship!

whitelettersky

whitelettersky

New member
Hi everyone! I just joined this site like five minutes ago. I've been polyamorous my whole life, but having a name for it is recent.

This gist of this question is this: my boyfriend's parents just found out that he is in a relationship with me, and because I am married, they are having a fit about it. I am wondering what to do and how to deal with it. Below are more details...

I've been with my husband for five years, married since May. I've been in with secondary relationship (my boyfriend) for about six months. Things have been decent with all of us. The problem? My boyfriend is in college and his parents just found out about our relationship. THEY HAD A FIT.

I've been friends with him and his brother for about a year. We all do martial arts together. In July we started getting close.

His parents were a little weirded out because I had recently gotten married and they figured my husband was happy about us spending so much time together.

His fall semester started, and we spent more and more time together. His parents were more and more suspicious that we were more than friends. I knew everything was fine because:
1. my husband was aware of our relationship and approved of it.
2. my boyfriend was becoming friends with my friends, so there were other reasons he'd be hanging out with us on weekends and late at night.

In October, I emailed his parents and assured them that essentially nothing BAD was going on, but didn't actually say we weren't involved. We continued to grow closer. His parents continued to grow more suspicious, and curious as to why a married women was hanging out with this college student.

We spent most of our time together at my house, only a few times a month at his house, so we weren't seen together much. The other day I was over. We watched a movie with most of his fam sitting around with us. My boyfriend threw his leg up over mine on the couch recliner.

Apparently this was "extremely intimate," and his mom made a comment to his father which spurred a heated discussion with my boyfriend. "This relationship is insane," "She's married and this is going nowhere," "If you get her pregnant, her husband will kill you," etc.

I decided to talk to my bf's father personally yesterday. I told him about polyamory (bringing up websites and references). He basically said he understood. He knew people "like me," but he doesn't want it "going on in his house," and he and his wife "wanted their son to keep his options open, date around, and do well in school, which was difficult this semester because he spent so much time with you."

He insisted he and his wife liked me a lot and loved that my bf and I were friends, but didn't like his son being so into me and going "70 miles an hour with me." I agreed that we should limit our time together during the school year, but didn't actually say we'd put a stop to our relationship, because we truly don't wish to do that. We have a wonderful thing going. I asked my bf's dad to please explain the situation to his wife. I was hoping to ease her worries. I was polite, honest and as considerate of their feelings as I could be. Truly!

This all climaxed today. My bf went to visit his grandparents several hours away, with his family. They arrive. My bf puts his phone down in a bedroom, leaves the room for five minutes, and returns to find his mom going through his text messages with me and crying. She's going on about how she thought he was the kind of person who would "Wait until he fell in love before losing his virginity like she did," and "Thought he had a good head on his shoulders." (Which he does. He's a fantastic guy and everyone thinks so.) Apparently his father came upstairs and also read through his text messages, insisting again that he stop his relationship with me because it's, again, "Going nowhere."

Ultimately, I am extremely sad and disturbed that after all of our honesty and communication, they still felt the need to invade my bf's privacy. I suppose his mom's hysterical reaction to reading his texts to me are because this is her first time dealing with her son being sexually active, and it's jarring and new. However, I am having a hard time wanting to respect their wishes after my bf and I have attempted in various ways to assure them that our relationship is healthy, loving, and with consent from my husband.

I asked a fellow poly friend who said, at this point, we have every right to ignore them and keep our relationship going, just quietly.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything further I could say to them? Or does it make sense that we just quietly continue our relationship with or without their permission? I hate to be deceptive, but I've tried to be communicative... Any advice? Thanks!
 
Hi whitelettersky,

Okay, I'll start with I have zero experience with any situation remotely like yours, except I was in college once, and I've had boyfriends. ;)

But some thoughts occur to me. He lives with his parents, yes? I'm assuming they're paying for him to be in college? Perhaps they pay his phone bill too?

Probably best not to overly tick them off.

I did lots of things to piss my parents off, but tried to not to do them when I was living in their houses (multiple parents).

It is wonderful that you've been open, honest and communicative. But do you do that because that's who you are, or because you expect it in return? I don't think deception will improve anything, if honesty hasn't.

There's probably not much you could say to them, but perhaps time will soften them. And I don't mean a week. It's awfully hard for parents to let go of their dreams for their children. They're imagining they'll never get a wedding, or a daughter-in-law, or grandchildren. They're freaking out in advance over lost possibilities.

I know that's a lot of why I had to continue pissing off my parents, to remind them that I was who I was, and not who they dreamed I'd become. I'm not saying pissing them off is the answer, but I've lived through similar (after saying I didn't, how about that?).

My two cents. Take anything that might be useful, forget the rest.
 
Thanks NovemberRain!

Hi, thanks for reading and offering your advice :) He teaches martial arts so he actually pays for nearly all of his bills and had loans for school. His parents just co-sign. I mean, yeah he eats and sleeps there, but pays for his cell, car insurance and credit card bills. Unfortunately, his chemical engineering major isn't easy and his parents are already worried about him not studying enough. They worry he'll party, which he hasn't done since high school.

So the paranoia is up and the trust and independence he wants is down. The only thing that further honesty will result in is them fighting to keep him home and away from me, even though he is an adult. Time will probably help, I agree. But I am not gonna start seeing someone I love for a year so his parents can "warm up to the idea," you know? There has to be a middle ground! What do you think?
 
So I actually DO have some experience with this. Hubby and I have been married more than 16 years, three kids.

I started a LDR with a man several months ago. He lives at home with his parents. He has finished his associate's degree, is waiting to get his bachelor's while he is working on getting into the Police Academy or Fire Department.

He has been doing the paperwork and staying in shape through boxing, which he's done for years.

Now that he has a job outside of that, he pays his way and helps out around the house. He has a little sister who is disabled, so often takes care of her.

A cousin "found out" that we have been seeing each other. I left it totally up to DC if he wanted to "come out."

I don't shout I'm bi or poly, but I don't hide it. I'm pretty laid back-- you ask I'll say. I don't try and be careful to not say things about my OSO. I'm just me. However, since he's younger, dating a married woman, and living at home, yeah, that could be complicated, so I let him decide.

He openly said that yes, he's seeing me, it's new, but it's going well. Add to this, he is incredibly religious. He's anointed in his church, works with the youth pastor, and has been asked more than once to become a youth pastor.

Well, the cousin finds out, and it's not long before it gets back to his family. Mom is not happy. They stop talking. I felt horrible, but the truth is, it's HIS relationship with his family, not mine. If they want to speak with me I am available. He has the same resources I have, as he is also new to poly, and so can pass them on.

I am fully aware that this relationship ighty end sooner rather than later. He will one day want a wife and children of his own. He jokes about me having his kids, but it's a joke because we have had DETAILED conversations on how he, hubby and I feel about having more kids. I'm just not the woman who will give them to him and he knows this. He knows he wants kids with a wife of his own.

I get you don't want to lose this relationship, but the problem is not YOUR relationship with him, not right now, anyway. It's his with his parents. What you can do is be supportive. Be a shoulder for him. Ask him what he wants and needs from you. This is something he needs to work out with his family. Whether poly or mono, sometimes people have to choose family over their relationship. If that's what he has to do, then there's not much you can do about it. It sucks and it hurts and I totally get the anxiety, but you can't MAKE someone accept you or your relationship. Not your own family, not his. You just do the best you can and be there for him while he figures out how to deal.
 
Vixtoria said:
I get you don't want to lose this relationship, but the problem is not YOUR relationship with him. It's his with his parents. What you can do is be supportive, be a shoulder for him. Ask him what he wants and needs from you. This is something he needs to work out with his family. Whether poly or mono, sometimes people have to choose family over their relationship. If that's what he has to do, then there's not much you can do about it.
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This!

I think you're just going to have to give his parents some time and see how he wants to handle it. If they continue being avidly against your relationship, he will probably have to make a choice: either end it or move out. The fact that they did go through his texts is atrocious. My parents didn't even do that when I was in HIGH SCHOOL and they DID pay for my phone. I can't imagine them trying to get away with it once I was older (even if I did live with them). It's going to be up to him to figure out what his priorities are, but you do have to keep in mind that this is his family. In my mind, family comes first. If my parents had hated Keith, I probably wouldn't have married him.
 
He is an adult (albeit a young one) and it's his right/responsibility to be the primary liaison with his parents about this, not yours. I would keep a respectful distance from them and let him handle this. It is perfectly valid for you two to carry on in secret, because what businesses is it of theirs? From my perspective, though, how he handles it is his decision. They have violated his trust, so they lose out on the privilege of knowing about his life until they can deal.
 
I am going to take what is probably an unpopular position...

If your boyfriend wants to be a grown up and live life the way he wants to and not have to answer to his parents, then he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life.

That means, he needs to quit eating their food, quit sleeping under their roof, take himself off their insurance plan(s), get off their cellular plan, and get someone else to co-sign his loans. Because reality is, whoever pays the bills, makes the rules. If he doesn't like their "rules", then he needs to move out from under them. And to sneak around doing what he wants while still accepting all these things from them is a lot like cheating, in my book.

We may disagree with his parents views or how they've reacted, but as long as they are supporting him, they have a stake hold in how he lives his life.

My question for you is, are you willing to replace the support his parents are giving him should they take it away? If not, how loving is it to encourage him to risk it?
 
What if he was into BDSM or swinging, would he need to tell them that and abide by any rules they wanted to place upon it? At what point does he get to take advantage of their desire to support him through college while still retaining the right to a private life?

After all, it's not like he'd be deceiving them about anything that relates to them -- he's not taking their money and then spending it on other things while skipping out on school, or bringing drugs into their home and opening them up to legal trouble.

If they don't want poly in their home, then fine, I'd respect that part and not visit their house.
 
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I'm going to chime in here in agreement with BigGuy. Your boyfriend is choosing to remain 'under the wing' of his parents, and they are treating him as child because of it. Until he moves out and becomes independent from them I feel like they do have a right to some say about his lifestyle and relationships.

I don't think there is anything you can or should do to change his relationship with his parents. It's his job, as an adult, to do that.

Take care. Good luck to you and yours.
 
I'd like to point out that my boyfriend is 19 and a sophomore in college....moving out and working full time would require him to not be a full time student, which isn't an option...haha I'm 25 and my hubby and I have a house so we have the independence my boyfriend doesn't. He isn't a mooch at home and already pays for way more crap than I paid forwhen I was 19 and in college.
 
risingscarlet said:
Your boyfriend is choosing to remain 'under the wing' of his parents, and they are treating him as child because of it.
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Some parents will treat you like a child and try to limit your lifestyle choices no matter what age you are -- we've had stories here from people whose parents have absolutely freaked out at their poly relationships even though they were adults, long moved out and even married with children of their own. In contrast, I had my first poly relationship in high school and though my parents asked questions they accepted it once they were sure I was ok and didn't try to force me to change, which would almost certainly have just bred resentment and rebellion in me anyway.

Due to the fact that they invaded his phone, a deeply messed up action which isn't ok to do to someone who actually *is* a minor unless you're worried for his or her safety, I'm doubtful that they would respect his choices even if he was moved out.

Another thought -- what if he was 40 and had lost his job and had no choice but to move in with his parents for a period of time. Would they have the right to tell him who he could date then?

I get that people have different opinions, but to me this situation is very simple. He's over the age of majority, he's making his own way in the world and paying his own bills, and yes they're being kind by allowing him to live rent-free, but he is an adult and it sounds like he's acting like one so he deserves to be treated like someone who can make his own romantic choices and has a right to basic personal privacy. If they won't give him that, then they don't deserve a window into this portion of his life.

I wonder if people would feel his parents had the right to make him break up with a partner if he was living at college and she was a fellow student? In that scenario, since he still wouldn't have a full-time source of income they'd presumably be paying for his board and he'd therefore actually be more of a burden on them. Would they somehow have less of a say because he wouldn't sleep in their home for 2/3 of the year, or do they still get to make the final call on his personal life?

Do they get to tell him what sort of sex he can have? Do they get tell him if he can masturbate? Do they get to tell him who his friends can be? Why the hell should they get to tell him who he can love???
 
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One thing you might want to consider is they are only thinking of the best interest of there kid....with little or no understanding of this dynamic. And if he hasn't had much college dating experience I might steer him toward that myself....having had loads of fun during those years. Think about it from their side. Hooking up with a married women during your college years???
Plenty of time for that later.

The question is should you keep seeing each other or submit to the parents request ....right?
 
dingedheart said:
And if he hasn't had much college dating experience I might steer him toward that myself....having had loads of fun during those years. Think about it from their side. Hooking up with a married women during your college years???
Plenty of time for that later.
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Dh, what about dating a married woman is substantially different from the fun he could have dating someone who was single? And since it's a poly relationship, what will *keep* him from dating others?

I had an older partner who broke up with me when I was in college "for my own good", saying that it was so I could have more experiences (Ziggy, for those who've read my blog). I found it to be a ridiculous cop-out, was depressed for a while, then went on to sleep around a little before quickly getting into a serious LTR with an older friend who was just getting out if the Marine Corps (Davis) without ever getting over the guy who left me "for my own good". So much for the crazy college dating I was supposed to do??

I have a big problem with the idea that anyone should expect someone else to be happier on a different, more "expected" path when that person has consciously chosen the path they're on, isn't harming his or herself, and isn't obviously struggling.

I apologize for spamming this thread, I just have some strong feelings about the issues being brought up...
 
I think time and focus to start. But I was thinking of campus life and all the things surrounding that. Parties, events, dining hall, late night walks from the library....3am runs to the taco shack...stupid college stuff.
 
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dingedheart said:
The question is should you keep seeing each other or submit to the parents request ....right?
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Actually the question was.

"Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything further I could say to them? Or does it make sense that we just quietly continue our relationship with or without their permission? "

So it looks like the consensus is two fold.

1) It's up to him to decide how to handle his parents. To talk to them, to 'come out' to them, to stand up to them. Not easy but at some point I think most of us had to take a stand for our own beliefs and life against what our parents may have wanted.

2) You don't need their 'permission' for a relationship. Both of you being legal adults. If it comes down to a 'not under our roof' thing, then again boyfriend needs make a decision. Sadly, not much for the OP to do but be supportive.
 
Vix, I saw the wonka picture a few days ago but because of screen size I couldn't make out the text. I got to say you really got me today...nice job, very funny...and possible true:D

Also thanks for the summary. I was trying to ask that as a question...I see now how poorly I did.
 
Dinged, he doesn't live on campus and never will lol he only lives twelve miles from the college. It's a suburban campus. He also has zero interest in typical college parties (he partied some in high school), and the town doesn't have a nightlife after 2am bc of parking restrictions and bars close then too. We live in New Jersey lol so only liquor stores carry liquor and they close at 10pm lol so there isn't really much of a crazy, exciting campus life he's missing by continuing to commute. Of course, if he lived on campus, we would get more freedom (I mentioned I live in a neighborhood close to campus), but that would be a whole different loan he'd need to have cosigned just so he could live on campus...just to be with me. He shouldn't have to augment his student loans further just for me, you know, that's something he'll be dealing with for years and years.

As for me being married...most people will agree my group of friends and I (including my husband) are way more fun than drunken, sloppy college parties lol. We're only in our midtwenties and do plenty of experimental microbrew Friday nights (responsibly always, which appeals to my bf), Star Wars drinking games, jam sessions (my friends are all either musicians/artists and/or engineers...), late night Call of Duty fests filled with creative trash talk and weekend Asian food-gorging. Plus, many of my friends are comfortable with sex and various discussions of the sort and even some intercouple sex so there is plenty of interesting activity going on...with people who know what they are doing, if you catch my drift. My bf has a friend who goes to a different school (similar university though) who says similar things, "why you fooling around with a married chick, you should be hooking up with drunk college girls like me" and my bf responds with "I partied with my gf and her friends last night, and the only thing I missed that you didn't is awkward morning-after texts from a girl who passed out mid-coitus and a cheap beer hangover."


So siding with his parents on that front (missing college life) truly isn't accurate and my bf would agree with me. Annabel, all of your posts have me cheering. I don't think you're spamming this post. I agree with what you said and your defense on us continuing to see each other. Since last week, the situation definitely isn't better. His dad wants us to pretty much stop seeing each other (though my bf uses us being friends as a defense for that - that we're gonna go back to "being friends" even though we aren't doing that...) His dad even said the other day when his family was at dinner "You know, Chris....if you hadn't been wasting your time hanging out with a married girl, you could have a relationship that is actually going somewhere and she could be eating dinner with us right now." Brace yourself, Anna.....I was so upset about that comment...

Anna, you bring up a lot of great points. Parents aren't infallible and they are from a different generation where this kind of lifestyle is totally weird and hippy (his parent's aren't religious, but they are conservative....neither being common in my life or family.) Even though everyone who has posted on this forum with advice to help me has been kind and helpful, I definitely agree the most with Annabel. I also noticed she is closest to my age... many of you who have posted saying that we have to respect his parents wishes are indeed parents or are Chris' parent's age...I found that amusing and I totally get it!

Anyway...my conclusion is that I have a handle on this lifestyle, as do the people involved. Sure, it's gonna be a learning experience, but I intend to keep to the "campsite rule"...leave things in better condition than they were. Maybe not with Chris' parents but definitely with him...he is much happier being with me and if I can bring him joy and passion and happiness as much as he has given it to me....then I'm in, you know? And I'm a bit close-minded to close-mindedness. So as far as I'm concerned....Chris is an adult, isn't a trouble-maker, and isn't doing anything wrong. He's having fun and is happy. Those are the only things we have any control over, so we're gonna keep trying to make this work despite the overbearing concerns of his parents.

Thanks everyone for your advice and assistance. Hope your holidays rocked :)
 
Hey Whitelettersky

:)
 
karatekid, you're the bf! Hi! Glad you're here too, I'd like to hear your side of the story.

I think lots of young men like older women. I'm 56 and have dated plenty since i became single and fully poly in late '08.

I had a long term relationship with a lovely young man who was 19 when we met, one month away from becoming 20. We were together for 2 years, had a lot of fun and fond times.

He didnt want a gf his own age, because he was very serious about his studies and future career in finance, and didnt want to be distracted by a needy immature young lady. After he graduated and got a good job, 70s hrs a week, he drifted away from me.

Now, your relationship with karatekid is different. You're friends, close in age.

His parents wanted him to either settle down with one serious gf, or date around casually? I'm not sure which they want. Either way, he's found you, gets along with your husband and your friends, and knows he eventually wants to graduate and get a job and find a wife and have kids. I think his parents are overreacting because, in their conservative mindset, somehow he will become "ruined." Neglect his studies, become some kind of Don Juan, never give them grandchildren?

I guess parents always worry about that... goodness knows, my oldest, who is 25, has dropped out of college and put her partner's needs first. I don't like it either. She just has a semester or two to go, she is gifted and intelligent, and here she is, working at a Walmart in Texas. But it's her decision... I'm letting her make her own choices and mistakes. Heck, she's a Sagittarius, you can't tell them a thing anyway. I'm just trying to be supportive and a shoulder to cry on, long distance (I'm in Massachusetts).

I'd recommend, as other have, to just let him come to your place. Stop going to their place and cuddling him in front of his parents. Keep a low profile and let things simmer down. And karatekid, keep a close hold on your phone! I can't believe your parents looked at your texts. Make sure your computer is secure as well.

Good luck, kids!
 
My cover has been blown!! lol

Magdlyn, I am surprised you inferred that I was the BF with only a simple "hello Whitelettersky." You are correct, however, and I am also surprised with your response and support even though you are older than us and you have kids as well. Most of our support has been from the younger demographic, but thanks a lot for breaking the mold! I was around when Whitelettersky's posts were made so our stories are one in the same, but I will expand.

I would also like to thank AnnabelMore because she has been very helpful and understanding to our situation.

Yes Mag, we are somewhat close in age, a little over 6 years and we are very close in many ways and will at least be very close friends for the rest of our lives. If I were to meet someone someday with whom I could settle down, I realize I might not be able to spend my life with White because she has all that with her husband, but we’re taking this one day at a time. And kids for me are still up in the air depending on my financial situation and if I’ve visited Italy yet. :)

My parents don’t know what they want. My mom wants me to fall in love and pick a partner before sex and my dad wants me to sleep around and settle down someday so he can cook for her and she can keep me monogamous and happy…and I guess the grandchildren thing as well.

Yes my phone and my computer will be locked down lol :)

We have stopped hanging out at my house completely, but it is still a stressful situation. I would like to spend most of my time with Whitelettersky and my parents don’t want me to even come in contact with her even though we have mutual friends.

I love her very much and you could say I am new to dating. Going from a dull life of shy fantasies of the popular girl in high school to a poly relationship has been hard to deal with and understand. I have not had to deal with jealousy since I’m inexperienced so it’s hard to deal with my first legit relationship involving a husband and an older woman. Because she is older and experienced, we aren’t really experiencing new things together, many of them are just new to me. This might be different if I was dating a teenager who was just as new to this stuff as I was. I am famously indecisive so I can weigh pros and cons of the situation but can never decide on which to choose - a pro being that I think I did need an older woman to break me out of my shell and she has done that wonderfully. I am also pretty mature for my age partly due to teaching karate since I was 16. I have different priorities than a lot of guys my age and I’m not interested in a lot of the college girls I meet. A lot of girls my age don’t know what they want or how they want to be viewed. I know who I want to be and what I want pretty well. White is all figured out and set in who she is, and knows how to communicate and so this situation is very open and makes sense and is amazing! It also didn’t start out with 6 months of tentative dating and awkward mind games.

I guess if I found someone who was ok with our situation (which would be very cool) then White would have to learn to share me which might be a new feeling for her since she has been the poly queen of the hill within her circle of friends and family. Overall I hope to continue our relationship for as long as possible and my parents will have to deal with it regardless of their feelings about my decisions. All I can do is follow my heart and common sense to make my own choices that make me happy, and if everything works out then great, but if not then I’ll have to fight a little…but it doesn’t matter.

~What Dreams May Come~
Chris Nielsen: [to Ian] “If I was going through f***ing HELL, I'd only want one person in the whole g*ddamn world by my side.”

Thanks for reading along with our thread
 
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