Need advice, please help....

[leone]

My husband's boyfriend has been acting really strange for almost a year now
i dont really know what happened but suddenly he just started getting really upset about every little thing or even things that weren't even happening towards him.

they are in a long distance relationship and dont see each-other in person. and he is coming to visit in a month for the first time. I am worried because --

he constantly demands to know where my husband goes, who he's talking to, who he's friends with, got jealous that my husband made a new friend, then made the new friend uncomfortable by complaining about it to them, etc. if he doesnt message him as soon as he wakes up he gets upset, he does things he knows makes himself uncomfortable and then gets mad at my husband for liking those things even though he doesnt have to participate in them at all. and then gets even more mad when he is told that.

it isn't like this 24/7 but its becoming often enough that im starting to worry a lot

and when any of these things are brought up he vehemently refuses to acknowledge them and insists hes not doing half of them or he apologizes and immediately does it again not very long after.

he has been told he needs to see a therapist, and is on a waiting list, and my husband loves him very much. but its really starting to concern me a lot.

is he being abusive to my husband? what do i do? i am not going to tell him that he can't date him anymore because 1. he loves him, and 2. i dont think thats my place or fair to do that....

im seriously at a loss i dont like him at all because he constantly makes my husband feel bad about himself even when he isn't doing anything, and all i can think is that the visit is going to be a disaster and since he already bought the tickets and also is staying for 3 weeks i dont see any way out of this inevitable ordeal.
I also am not sure how i can pretend that im not mad at him in person for 3 weeks.

i am constantly trying to pretend to be nice to him because i dont want to cause any problems and the one time i did say anything he took out his frustration on my husband so i honestly feel too uncomfortable to try to say anything again....

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. Could any of these tools help?

http://outofthefog.website

Immediate/Short Term:

Is he staying in a hotel for 3 weeks or in your home? If with you... can YOU go stay elsewhere for 3 weeks or part of the 3 weeks to break it up so you aren't at home with him there for 3 weeks in a row? Like you spend the weekends with a friend so you get some breaks away from this behavior?

The times you are home?

I also am not sure how i can pretend that im not mad at him in person for 3 weeks.

Don't pretend. If you observe him doing unacceptable behavior? Call it what it is and request a different behavior. "Please don't do X. Could you please be willing to do Y?"

I'm not sure why you agreed to host him for 3 weeks in your home (if that's the case) rather than he and your husband go meet up somewhere for 3 weeks... but call it lesson learned and don't be hosting people you dislike in your home any more in future.

since he already bought the tickets and also is staying for 3 weeks i dont see any way out of this inevitable ordeal.

Tickets can be canceled/changed. Speak up to your husband. Because if the BF acts out, and makes himself unwelcome in the home, perhaps the expectation is that husband will ask BF to change his ticket and go home early. Husband cleans up after his guests.

Rather than the expectation being husband brings wonky people to the house and you suck it up.

Short/Medium Term:

You have to talk to your husband about your discomfort with the BF's behaviors and be clear.

1) I am concerned that some of this behavior is bordering on verbally/emotionally abusing you. Are you able to see that some of this behavior is unacceptable/controlling/outbursty/not healthy?

2) I am not going to tell you stop dating him -- that's your decision. But I'm really worried.

3) I don't want to be around him more then necessary. So in future visits, HOTEL. I can't be in the same space as him for 3 weeks in a row.

4) I'm not going to pretend. I'm not going to go out of my way to be rude, but I'm also not going to pretend I don't see crap behavior happening. I am going to call it out when I see it and ask for change in behavior. And if BF cannot exercise self control, I am going to ask him to leave the house and stay elsewhere.

Long Term:

It does sound erratic. He's on a wait list for a therapist.

im seriously at a loss i dont like him at all because he constantly makes my husband feel bad about himself even when he isn't doing anything,

Does your husband like being treated this way? You could ask.

I think your husband has to decide what his boundaries are. Because love is not enough to have a healthy relationship. Does he want a healthy relationship with this guy? Does he need help articulating where the line in the sand is?

Maybe husband decides the boundary is "I don't hang around with people who skip doing their treatment things and abuse me."

So he chooses to continue with him so long as he's doing his therapy things and stops acting out at him/abusing him. And if BF stops doing his health management things/continues to rain verbal/emotional abuse stuff at him? Your husband ends it because he doesn't want to be around an unmanaged person who abuses him any more. He has to articulate what his line in the sand is, and when it is crossed, what he (your husband) will do next.

And YOU have to determine your own boundaries. Yours might be "I cannot stay in a marriage where my husband chooses to date unhealthy people to his own detriment and my own."

You are right you cannot tell your husband who to date. But you can tell YOU if you continue to participate in a poly V or not. Your participation belongs to you, and if things get too crazy in this poly situation? You can withdraw your consent and bow out of the network.

So if your husband dates this BF, and the BF is behaving badly, and you cannot stand it up close because it is becoming/is detrimental?

Then you need to step away. Separate. And if things don't work out, divorce. Not fun to think about, but think out where YOUR line in the sand is.

i am constantly trying to pretend to be nice to him because i dont want to cause any problems...

Stop pretending. The problems are already HERE. You are ADDING to your load by pretending. Why do double load? The original load of (ugh behaving BF) and then the extra load of (pretending)? Do LESS work, not more.

Don't walk on eggshells.

and the one time i did say anything he took out his frustration on my husband so i honestly feel too uncomfortable to try to say anything again....

So he takes his frustrations out on your husband. Let your husband deal with it. He's the one picking BF out to date.

Husband may eventually have to come to terms with "I love this person, but this person does not love me back. They do less than loving behavior toward me."

Why put it off?

If you see him mistreating your husband YOU say something. "No. I see you are (taking X out on husband.) I see that you are upset. But that is not appropriate way to behave. I am going to ask you to do X instead. I do not allow that behavior around me."

If he keeps acting out? Ask him to leave the house. BF can go act out somewhere else.

Galagirl

 

[leone]

thank you for the advice, i really appreciate it
i have a lot to think about, i would never leave my husband over this so it would be more down to trying to talk things out with him

and you're right, i shouldnt pretend, that isnt good for me or my husband...i have a hard time recognizing abusive behavior sometimes and i need to try harder to stand up instead of becoming complacent...

 

[GalaGirl]

Well, you don't have to divorce. But consider staying somewhere else if BF is in town/declining to talk with husband about his problems with the BF. Run a very SEPARATE poly "V" so you don't have to be dealing with the wacky behavior BF does. You are not the one dating him. If your husband needs someone to talk to about BF -- point him to a close friend and/or counselor. Not you.

i have a hard time recognizing abusive behavior sometimes

You may not be able to tell "regular bad behavior" from "abusive behavior" but I can imagine you know when you are being treated the way you like and when you are not.

If you need help identifying really poor behaviors, try here:

Top 100 Traits and Behaviors

Warning signs

Tactics of Coercive Control

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi leone,

I wonder if maybe your husband is sharing too much with you about his boyfriend's behavior. His telling you, doesn't seem to accomplish much, other than to make you feel upset, and frustrated because your hands are tied. Tell your husband not to vent to you about his boyfriend anymore. If your husband's going to keep seeing that boyfriend, that's your husband's problem, not yours, and your husband is the cause of it. Tell your husband that your advice is for him to break up with his boyfriend. After that, he knows where you stand, and doesn't need to vent to you about his boyfriend over and over again.

Like GalaGirl says, the boyfriend can stay at a hotel during his three-week visit, and if he won't, you yourself can stay at a hotel, so that you don't have to put up with the boyfriend's behavior. It's your husband's job to put up with his boyfriend's behavior, as long as your husband is continuing to see his boyfriend. That's not your decision, and you shouldn't have to pay for your husband's decision.

These are just my initial thoughts, based on what I've been told so far in this thread. You no doubt have additional information that would change my advice, but I'll take that chance.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[leone]

thank you gala that info is very helpful

if i can i will

also no, he doesnt really vent to me about it, i just happen to unfortunately be around when these things happen often, is really the only reason a know about a lot of it, he has also tried to act that way towards me sometimes even though we aren't dating and were just friends

i will do my best to separate myself whenever possible though and try to talk to my husband about the fact that his boyfriend is not treating him very well

 

[GalaGirl]

i just happen to unfortunately be around when these things happen often, is really the only reason a know about a lot of it, he has also tried to act that way towards me sometimes even though we aren't dating and were just friends

Then you tell him NO. That this behavior is not acceptable around you.

I don't know what is going on with this BF, and I hope therapy helps him. But that is HIS problem to solve. His health care stuff is HIS stuff to be doing.

Over here? I deal with an Alzheimer parent. He sometimes acts out at me. I tell him NO. I do not allow people to behave that way around me. If he needs help thinking something out or sorting out his feelings? Ok. But if he's looking for me to be the punching bag? No, thanks!

• He can make his request for help again without the nasty talk.
• Or he can go ask someone else.
• Or he can go home. (If we are at my house.)
• Or I can go home. (If we are at his house.)
• Pick one.

He used to yell that nobody could control him and I was trying to be controlling and I was a bitch and I don't know what all. Total tantrum nasty talk. Raining verbal abuse on everyone.

I would ask him if he is the one who controls him or if he telling me he is out of control? Because if he is telling me he is out of control, I don't want to be around. So again... pick a choice from above. Or I pick for him. And I am gonna pick the easiest one for me -- go home. Taking the day off from unpaid caregiver stuff? Totally fine with me. He can afford to hire a caregiver. Someone else can deal with him.

He straightened up around me because I don't play shenanigans.

Behind my back he still calls me a bitch and I don't know what all. I told mom I don't care (what he says behind my back to her.) At that point that is HER problem. She doesn't have to be listening to garbage talk.

I solved MY problem -- him talking all nasty in front of ME. Which shows me he still can exercise some self control when he chooses to. Dad chooses to "behave" around me because I don't put up with the BS. I know as the disease further erodes his brain he won't have the ability. But while he still CAN? I expect him to behave. He does so.

Watching me be firm helped my Mom firm it up with Dad too. Just because someone is a patient person with mental illness doesn't mean they get to use that as the ticket to mow everyone around them down and be a bully.

I don't know what the therapist will find that this BF has. But bad manners is bad manners. Maybe your husband needs to see you firm it up? So he can have the courage to follow suit?

Otherwise, if your husband wants to hang out with a BF who behaves terrible rather than keeping his distance? That's HIS choice. Husband can go do it over there.

You don't have to do that. You can be over here, holding yourself separate from all that mess.

I hope your husband comes to see that he deserves to be treated well by a boyfriend. He does NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

Galagirl

 

[leone]

yeah, haha, you're right, if at the very least i can be firm with him, and if he sees that maybe he will see that his behavior is bad easier too, aside from talking to him of course

hopefully i can find a solution and hopefully it works out for the best, just having people talk to me about their thoughts on this has really helped though its nice to have outside views

its hard to talk to non poly people cause theyll just be like "lol what your husband is cheating on you?"

 

[JK40]

I personally don't think you are wrong to be feeling upset at the way this man not only makes you feel but also the way he treats hubby.

It is only natural that when we are in a relationship with someone we want to protect them and want the best for them. That is all you are doing, looking out for your hubby and protecting him. Nobody has a right to make you feel this uncomfortable.

If this guy will be staying in your home then you certainly have a say in that. If he is staying at a hotel then it may be wise to voice your concerns to hubby and ask that he takes your feelings into account, and limits the amount of time bf spends in your home while you are there.

It is never easy when one person does not get along with a partners other partner, and I really don't think you are at fault here to not get on with bf. It does sound to me like he is very controlling. I've had numerous controlling relationships before, absolutely controlled to the point of abuse and none of those relationships started out as bad as your hubbys situation appears to be.

Does your hubby understand your feelings about his bf?

I hope this works out for you, feeling pressured in your oen home with guests is awfull wether he dtays with you or just visits

 

[anamikanon]

My husband's boyfriend has been acting really strange for almost a year now
i dont really know what happened but suddenly he just started getting really upset about every little thing or even things that weren't even happening towards him.

they are in a long distance relationship and dont see each-other in person. and he is coming to visit in a month for the first time. I am worried because --

To be in a long term long distance relationship with someone living with their wife and meeting other people. Whom you will see in person for the first time in a month. No pressure, right?

I think it is natural to be a bit jittery. A lot is at stake.

he constantly demands to know where my husband goes, who he's talking to, who he's friends with, got jealous that my husband made a new friend, then made the new friend uncomfortable by complaining about it to them, etc. if he doesnt message him as soon as he wakes up he gets upset, he does things he knows makes himself uncomfortable and then gets mad at my husband for liking those things even though he doesnt have to participate in them at all. and then gets even more mad when he is told that.

it isn't like this 24/7 but its becoming often enough that im starting to worry a lot

He sounds controlling and probably should get a handle on it, but I doubt he will be able to before the visit happens. The most helpful thing you probably can do is pretend to not notice and give him at least the illusion of dignity about it, so it can be one front he can stop worrying about screwing up

he has been told he needs to see a therapist, and is on a waiting list, and my husband loves him very much. but its really starting to concern me a lot.

I've been in a situation where I've advised people professionally, and I honestly think it is not even going to be reasonable to expect a "normal" assessment till the trip is done. Even if he needs help, it probably won't be useful to him till he finds some semblance of normalcy and "about to meet partner for the first time in a month" just isn't it. Unless you see self destructive behavior (either directly to self or professionally, etc), I'd say not to worry too much.

is he being abusive to my husband? what do i do? i am not going to tell him that he can't date him anymore because 1. he loves him, and 2. i dont think thats my place or fair to do that....

I think you should do nothing unless your husband asks for assistance or seems to be harmed in any manner.

im seriously at a loss i dont like him at all because he constantly makes my husband feel bad about himself even when he isn't doing anything, and all i can think is that the visit is going to be a disaster and since he already bought the tickets and also is staying for 3 weeks i dont see any way out of this inevitable ordeal.
I also am not sure how i can pretend that im not mad at him in person for 3 weeks.

If you don't like him, it should be fine to tell your husband to make arrangements for him to stay elsewhere or go on a trip with him for whole or part of the duration, etc rather than force you to accept his presence. A possibility is for you to go off somewhere. Any overdue trips to family/friends that have been waiting for you to find time? I don't do well with company overall, and I find taking off in the middle of someone's visit allows me to host the start and end of it gracefully without suffering the whole of it.

All things pass. This visit too shall pass. You will know more clearly when you meet him whether you dislike him in person as much as you dislike him now. With any luck, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Or you'll endure.

i am constantly trying to pretend to be nice to him because i dont want to cause any problems and the one time i did say anything he took out his frustration on my husband so i honestly feel too uncomfortable to try to say anything again....

Not been in such a situation much because thankfully I have no problem being rude to people and my partner, bless him, understands and accepts this perfectly, but this pretending sounds suffocating. Why not limit your interactions with him if you can't directly tell him to stay out of your way? No rule says you have to be involved with your husband's partners.

Gut feel: You and the other partner may be in a tug of war for control over the husband. You say he's being difficult and controlling. On the other hand you say you dislike him and yet seem to know a him personally quite a bit for someone you dislike and can easily avoid. If this is true, acknowledging it may allow you to make better choices. Like winning or managing the need for control in a more mature manner.