need advice!

C

confidentiallyconfident

New member
Hello... looking for some advice and really don't know where else to turn. It's kind of a 2 parter... Let me introduce myself first, I am a 30 year old masculine male, prior military and live in a very conservative area. My wife and I have been married for 8 years now. For the past 3 or 4 years we've been dealing with what I would consider a sexless marriage. Once a month, if lucky.. 10-12 times a year. I personally would be content with sex 2 times a week. Let's be honest, even once a week or every other week. Something more than maybe once a month. I have expressed my concerns... my wife always says she just doesn't feel like it and thinks its her body. She has suggested on her own to see a doctor or try supplements etc to try to boost her libido but she never does. I have tried serious conversations about maybe she finds it stale, and that we can try to spice things up between us to bring a little passion back. She's never open to doing anything other than the bed, same position. The maybe once a month scenario is pulling teeth for me, and I am growing more and more frustrated... when it's time to do the deed all she wants to do is joke around while I'm trying to be serious. The once a month is more of a "fine ok get it over with", use a packet of lube. Frustration is at it's peak and I find myself considering suggesting an open relationship. My need for advice is that I'm a masculine male. Call it toxic if you'd like. But someone else having sex with my wife is the peak of my jealousy, it bothers me to the extreme ... yet arouses me. I find myself wondering if she did have sex with me more... and showed more interest in me, that maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure while some guy fucks my wife and I get nothing from her. It would be like a slap in the face like she prefers anyone else over me. I would like to state that I do not believe she's having an affair already. Does anyone have any advice to get me get my mind on board? Is my jealousy about her having fun with another man while she ignores me valid? Is it worth suggesting? Advice please??

The 2nd part... I mentioned my masculinity in my intro. I've never slept with another woman while married to my wife... but I've slept with multiple men. Ratio off attractiveness, 98% attracted to women, 2% to men. But... being submissive to another man and his cock in sex is an entire universe separate from sex with woman. I'm incredibly shameful when I do it... vow never to again... and always end up doing it again. I've considered asking for her blessing with this. My biggest concern is maintaining my masculine viewpoint, which is very important to me. Something she would no longer view me as if she found out about this hidden part of my life. Internet searches have yielded that other men have suffered devastating blows to their marriages and others have opened an entire new world. My options are to continue behind her back, seek some type of therapy or find some type of coping mechanism to tell myself no, or to tell her and see what happens. I'm at a loss... extremely frustrated... and just want to seek out advice and conversation without being judged.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I imagine a partner just laying there going "Ok, get it over with" maybe once a month is not very appealing. One wants to be desired, for sex to be a shared experience.

Is your wife depressed and that's why no follow through on setting up a check up? Or maybe asexual, or prefers women or.... who knows?
Since you both live in a very conservative area where maybe people don't really talk about this stuff... Did it ever occur to you that she might struggle with her own sexuality like you have been with yours?

I'd start there.

Offer to help her schedule and get to a check up if she is willing for you to help.

Ask her what her sexuality/attraction actually is. Tell her yours. If you've been married 8 years and never talked about this? Catch up the long needed conversations.

But someone else having sex with my wife is the peak of my jealousy, it bothers me to the extreme ... yet arouses me.
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Fantasy is one thing. Reality is another. It's fine to feel whatever you feel.

Sometimes people are struggling. Then the try to use polyamory as a "bandaid" rather than address the original problem(s) directly. They take the long way around, bending into pretzels. So don't jump right to open/poly like a bandaid. Actually identify and work on core issues first.

The 2nd part... I mentioned my masculinity in my intro. I've never slept with another woman while married to my wife... but I've slept with multiple men. Ratio off attractiveness, 98% attracted to women, 2% to men. But... being submissive to another man and his cock in sex is an entire universe separate from sex with woman. I'm incredibly shameful when I do it... vow never to again... and always end up doing it again.
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Sharing sex with other guys while being married to your wife? I think you know that's cheating on agreements if you are not practicing open marriage already. Please stop doing that. You may have to come clean to wife about it too if you both want to continue on more honest/open footing.

I think you could make peace with your sexuality. Stop beating yourself up with it. And ok, you live in a very conservative area... but the reality is that human sexuality is very diverse. People land all over the place on the board. It's normal to be attracted to both men and women.

Just because people around you lack sex ed and/or have close minded views? That doesn't mean you aren't perfectly normal.

Is that part of the problem for both you and wife? Would it help to plan to move to a more diverse city or town that is less conservative?

I've considered asking for her blessing with this. My biggest concern is maintaining my masculine viewpoint, which is very important to me. Something she would no longer view me as if she found out about this hidden part of my life.
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Green is your job. You can't just maintain your own view point? You are like 98% attracted to women and 2% attracted to men and very masculine in your presentation/outlook.

Purple is her job. And she thinks whatever?

Is your sense of self living inside you or other people? You don't have to answer... but if it's another thing to talk to counselor about maybe make a note.

When ready, and maybe even with counselor help at an appointment... talk with wife. Find out what does/does not line up any more. If you discover
  • You both want sex at different frequencies.
  • And she doesn't want to do open marriage.
  • And she doesn't really want to change anything about your shared sex life
  • Then you might have to consider breaking up because you two are no longer compatible.
Save the people. Not the marriage. If you two can be happier parting with grace rather than being in a "just going thru the motions" marriage? Let the marriage part go. Try to be decent exes. Or maybe decent exes and friends.

My options are to continue behind her back, seek some type of therapy or find some type of coping mechanism to tell myself no, or to tell her and see what happens. I'm at a loss... extremely frustrated... and just want to seek out advice and conversation without being judged.
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Not judging. I can imagine this is hard stuff to feel and think about and get through. But in the end? It sounds like you are unhappy, so something has to change somewhere, right?

I'd suggest counseling to get your thoughts in order.
  • Then tell her this is not working for you like this.
  • You have seen people behind her back and want to apologize and stop cheating.
  • You are willing to wait to see if a health check up reveals something that needs addressing.
  • You'd be willing to try open marriage if she wants to try that so both can continue more honestly
    • If the problem is JUST sex frequency, then that might help. But if the problem is lack of closeness/sex with HER? Having sex with other people isn't gonna fix that part. You'll have to address that another way.
  • You'd be willing to part ways and seek more compatible partners.
  • You are no longer willing to continue in this wonky way. Something has to change somewhere.
Ask her what she wants to try. Be super honest and up front. Then let the chips land where they may.

This is your spouse. You are supposed to be able to talk to them about what's going on with you. If not... what are you two doing married?

I don't know if this helps you find a counselor.

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I encourage you to speak your truth. I hope however this turns out, you find peace.

Galagirl
 
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Two things: gala knows her stuff. Trust her.
I'm in a similar boat in regards to the male female attraction thing. It's difficult to understand. If you wanna talk I'm all ears there.
The whole idea of your wife with another guy, that's also my wheelhouse. I have gone from massively turned off to massively turned on to what I think is a healthy middle. Again can talk about it with you.

I can't help you solve your problem. I'm sorry for that. But having been there I can tell you my experiences and maybe help you dodge a pot hole here and there
 
Hello confidentiallyconfident,

I don't think you should give up your trysts with men; instead, you should confess to your wife about them, and don't assume that she will lose her view of you as being very masculine. You can be very masculine and still be interested in men; you are living proof of that, and I'm pretty sure there are many more examples of it out there.

You seem to have two very opposite reactions to the thought of your wife having sex with someone else. On the one hand, it makes you feel jealous. On the other hand, it makes you feel aroused. I guess my point is that your reaction to it is not entirely negative. Which makes opening up your marriage a slightly positive prospect.

That aside, I get the impression that you feel hurt/rejected when your wife is most of the time so unwilling to have sex with you. And when it's, "Let's make light of this, and get it over with," the rare times when she is willing. That's something that opening up your marriage won't fix, you will still feel like she's rejecting you.

In open/poly, there's something we call "New Relationship Energy" (NRE for short). It's something that can happen when a relationship is new. You could end up in a situation where your wife wants sex more often with someone else, than how seldom she "wants" it with you, and the cause might not be that she likes the other person more; it could just be NRE.

It's difficult to say how things might turn out if you do open your marriage. Sometimes NRE causes people to have renewed interest in their original relationship. Opening up your marriage could be the thing that gets you the twice-a-week sex you want with your wife. Maybe. You can't count on such things, you will have to work on the jealousy separately.

I also think you and your wife need to work on your disconnect with each other. You need to find out from her why she isn't more interested in you. I think I would suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor, if you can afford it. You need to talk about the elephant in the room, regardless of what you decide about opening the marriage.

And I have to say, opening the marriage would probably be a good idea if for no other reason, simply because it would open the way for you to continue to have trysts with men, without having to do so behind your wife's back. As for jealousy, I know of a few links about it that might help. Have a look at them just in case.
Hopefully that helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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