Need advice

B

bel90

New member
Hello,
I’m on the middle of a situation and I’m not sure if what I think is correct or perhaps I’m wrong.

So in this situation are involved S, K, P and A

S is the long time partner of K and since two years ago partner of P

They all 3 live together for about a year.

Few months ago P matched with a friend of S in an app (M) but S told that it would be hard and better not to do it because they go to the same activity all three of them (shibari jams)

P thought it was understandable and didn’t date M

Then S thought that her friend A which also goes to shibari jams with P and S was perfect match with K

So K and A were introduced and now starting a relationship and brings her home every now and then

P is not allow by S to bring people home and S for respect won’t bring anybody

The point is S think is completely fair and P think is unfair. While I’m on the middle of the situation and I have doubts about to who I should support (they both my friends so I’ll try to help both but i don’t want ro tell both of them that they are right and the other is wrong)
 
Hello bel90,

My first thought is that S has set up a double standard for P and K, which is of course unfair. However, how and whether you get involved in that conflict is another matter entirely, I would not do it. If they (S and/or P) ask you your opinion, tell them you are friends with both of them and that as such, it is not really your place to pass judgment on one or the other of them. Instead, they should work it out between each other. If they can't do that, maybe they should get a counselor to act as a mediator.

I am thinking that maybe the situation is more complicated than I realize. These are just some of my initial thoughts.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I have trouble reading with initials so I'm going to give all the people just generic animal names. I'll repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? Also happy to go with names you pick if you like something else better.

So in this situation there's a nesting V where Skunk is the hinge. Skunk has two partners. ​
  • Koala, their partner of many years.
  • Panda, their partners of only two years.
They've been all living together in one home for 1 year. ​
​
A few months ago Panda matched with Moose over an app who turned out to be a friend of Skunk. Skunk said that it would be hard and better not to do it because they go to the same activity all three of them (shibari jams). Panda thought it was understandable and chose not to pursue Moose.​
​
Later, Skunk thought that another friend Armadillo (who also goes to shibari jams with Panda and Skunk) was perfect match with Koala. Skunk introduced them, and now Koala and Armadillo are dating. Koala has Armadillo over to spent the night now and then. ​
​
Skunk doesn't allow Panda to bring new people home. And Skunk for respect (for Panda?) won’t bring anybody new home.​
​
Skunk thinks it is completely fair.​
​
Panda think is unfair. ​

I'm a bit confused as to what is the thing one finds fair and the other not fair.

I might guess wrong... but is it the NRE thing? NRE can last between 6 mos and 24 months or so.

Is Panda done with that phase and wants to start branching out and date new people? But Skunk is still in NRE with Panda, so Skunk still wants to be in that little NRE bubble thing, and the NRE got a reboot for Skunk when Panda moved in? And whatever Koala's doing doesn't bother Skunk because Koala is in the ORE place? And Skunk doesn't want to be in an NRE bubble with Koala. They want to bubble with Panda?

At any rate.... Even if you are friends with both Skunk and Panda? Could stay out of it. Not your business. Esp if nobody is asking you anything.

If one or the other comes to you asking your opinion making it your business? Could say "No, thanks. I'm gonna pass on sharing my opinion." Firmly check out.

Or you could answer honestly ONCE and then check out.
  • Skunk -- you seem to deal with Koala dating outside the nesting V and having people sleep over ok enough. So what's the big deal about Panda doing same? Talk to Panda directly about that. Is it that you still wanted to enjoy the "honeymoon NRE time" a bit more with Panda before Panda branches out? And Koala doesn't bother you because Koala is ORE?

  • Panda -- if you want to date outside the nesting V? And now see Skunk being ok with it when Koala does it but not you? Could talk to Skunk directly about it. Is it that Koala is ORE for Skunk and you are still NRE for Skunk? And Skunk wanted more "honeymoon NRE bubble time" with you before you branch out?

Could encourage them to TALK TO EACH OTHER. Possible that Panda is past that pink fluffy NRE lalas phase but Skunk still is in it or wants to hang on to it. Or maybe it is something else entirely.

They haven't been living together long and if they didn't plan ahead for all to have their own bedroom? They may be bumping into that. Or maybe it's best to go back to how it was -- Panda not nesting here.

But don't get sucked into it any more than that -- encouraging them to talk to each other DIRECTLY. And if they need help, to consider a couple counselor.

It's ok for you to have your own personal boundaries with how involved you want get with other people problems.

Galagirl
 
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