Need Advice

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foxygal

New member
I guess I’ll preface this with I love my wife, but I also want to love and respect myself. So I need advice…

My partner and I have been together for a few years now. When we first got together, before we were married, we were poly. After many events we decided to be monogamous. I did say if things didn’t work out with monogamy, we would try poly again. Fast forward to this year, post marriage:

My partner met someone and fell in love. We hadn’t had a convo about being poly again, so when it happened I felt hurt. Because I love them I tried to consider the idea of allowing them to keep their sweetie, but I set boundaries that were crossed. My partner said they would end things with their sweetie so we could focus on us. Since then I’ve caught them lying about having contact with this person numerous times. Now it’s to the point where they’ve decided that we’re either going to be poly with them keeping their sweetie, or not be together at all.

I’m sure I’ve missed some details, but this is the best I can recall at the moment. As far as my feelings, I love my spouse and I’m not opposed to polyamory. I’m just not happy with them still being with this person they were willing to lie and hurt me for. It feels wrong and unfair to me.

I’d love and appreciate any advice you can give on either moving on or trying to make amends.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
If I take all of the emotion out of the situation, I'd say this needs more explanation. What were these boundaries?
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I asked that they not speak while we were trying to focus on mending our relationship (at least a few months). Also the sweetie spoke ill of me and my family online while arguing with my partner (not an expressed boundary prior, but I felt that should be common sense?)
 
I'd be asking your partner when the lack of communication broke down between when you were poly (I will note I'm new to the concept so may not fully be the best for this advice) and when you became monogamous. To me, relationships are all about communication, and at some point that seemed to have changed for them. The events that you mentioned after that brought around that change, were they openly discussed and concluded what had occurred that changed your thoughts from poly to monogamous?

I'd be concerned about the lying and the ultimatum, that doesn't sound like someone who was poly when you first met, or understands the differences. I also don't believe that forced poly is poly at all but again newbie here.
 
foxygal said:
My partner met someone and fell in love. We hadn’t had a convo about being poly again, so when it happened I felt hurt
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Being betrayed by a partner is very hurtful and not discussing these feelings with you before acting on them in a monogamous relationship is a betrayal of trust.
foxygal said:
Because I love them I tried to consider the idea of allowing them to keep their sweetie, but I set boundaries that were crossed
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You don’t own them so you cannot “allow them” to keep seeing sweetie. You can, however, decide if you want to continue the relationship if they are poly While they do what they want.

you should clarify if these were actual boundaries or rules. Boundaries are rules YOU follow for your own protection and rules are imposed on your partner. Ex boundary: i wont have unprotected sex with someone who has unprotected sex with others. You can enforce this by using condoms or not having sex with that person. A rule might be no penetrative sex. Rules are hard to enforce and easy to break.

foxygal said:
Now it’s to the point where they’ve decided that we’re either going to be poly with them keeping their sweetie, or not be together at all.
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Looks like the ball is in your court. You know what they want. The question is what do you want? Can trust be reestablished? Can open communication be a part of this new relationship dynamic? Can you get over the resentment?


foxygal said:
I asked that they not speak while we were trying to focus on mending our relationship
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Looks like a rule and they didnt agree to it Or broke it. A rule cannot be enforced by anything other than leaving the relationship if its broken. Most people dont want to end relationships, therefore rules are meaningless and are easily broken.

foxygal said:
the sweetie spoke ill of me and my family online while arguing with my partner
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Sounds like partner is sharing TMI about your relationship and sweetie is airing it. Partner sharing TMI is not cool and sweetie sharing it is way not cool as its none of sweeties business but you cant put a boundary on other peoples actions but if partner cant stop sharing TMI with sweetie you can leave them. If sweetie sharing your laundry is okay with partner then you could leave them. If partner betraying you is a deal breaker then leave them.

You just need to ask yourself if you want to be in this situation. Remember, you have no control over other people. You cannot control sweetie in any way. You can work things out with partner and resolve dishonesty, TMI sharing, establish true boundaries that are enforceable by you, and work on your relationship, but things wont change with sweetie unless partner changes how they interact with sweetie and imposes boundaries of their own like “i will not be in a relationship with anyone who disrespects my partners or their privacy.” Partner must be willing to end it with sweetie or you if this happens for it to be a true boundary.
 
foxygal said:
I asked that they not speak while we were trying to focus on mending our relationship (at least a few months). Also the sweetie spoke ill of me and my family online while arguing with my partner (not an expressed boundary prior, but I felt that should be common sense?)
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Just so you know, boundaries are something you set for yourself, about things you will or won't do, or things you will or won't accept. And if those things happen, you will leave.

You made a request. You asked your wife to not see her sweetie, for at least a few months.

You also got mad that her sweetie spoke ill of you online. You mean they did that on a public platform, in front of many others? That's not a boundary either. You just didn't like it that this person spoke ill of you where others could see.

In both cases, what are the consequences? What will you do if your wife won't stop seeing her sweetie when you want to focus on the two of you?

What will you do if this person you aren't involved with (the sweetie, your metamour) keeps speaking ill of you in public?

Will you just get mad? Will you stop sharing sex, sharing a bed, with wife? Will you move out for a few days, or altogether? Will you request couple's counseling? What you're asking wife to do is to make a bargain: no seeing other people until you and she "work things out." What do you need to work out? What is the timeline? "A few months, at least," is pretty vague. What needs to happen?

Making demands (which are not boundaries) can backfire. You asked or demanded your wife stop seeing her sweetie. She did it anyway, behind your back. But you found out. Now what?
 
I appreciate everyone’s help with them mental adjustment from definitions of “rules” vs “boundaries”. You’re right, I’ve said what I need as far as boundaries go. And we’ve discussed “rules” which were broken. At this point I see I need to stand on my boundaries, to not feel disrespected anymore.
 
Hello foxygal,

To me, it sounds like you don't consent to your wife dating this particular person. If they are doing it anyway, they are cheating. Cheating in plain sight. You have to figure out whether you are okay with that, and if you are not okay with that, then you have to figure out how you will respond.

Difficult situation. I don't envy you.
Kevin T.
 
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