Need advice
- Thread starter Greenjade
- Start date
Nope. That would be like "I could take some initial steps to protect my kids' and my own financial health while in a weird time, even though I'm hurting."
No more, no less.
They could always get back together, if that is what they truly wish to do later. Or they could stay broken up and determine that later. Status of their relationship is a separate issue, and secondary to the welfare of the kids right now. Relationship stuff, can be dealt with it later.
The kids needing to eat and sleep in the stability that financial health safety could provide, is a now thing.
Papa's AWOL right now. So if Mama is all the kids have to look out for them right now, Mama could choose to do it.
Kids' welfare comes first. Adult hoohah can take a number, IMO.
I do not know her life or how her money picture is arranged. Maybe my word of caution is not even needed, and if so, I am VERY glad she and the kids are financially ok. One less thing to worry about.
She knows what she's got going on over there better than anyone else. It's Greenjade's decision.
No more, no less.
They could always get back together, if that is what they truly wish to do later. Or they could stay broken up and determine that later. Status of their relationship is a separate issue, and secondary to the welfare of the kids right now. Relationship stuff, can be dealt with it later.
The kids needing to eat and sleep in the stability that financial health safety could provide, is a now thing.
Papa's AWOL right now. So if Mama is all the kids have to look out for them right now, Mama could choose to do it.
Kids' welfare comes first. Adult hoohah can take a number, IMO.
I do not know her life or how her money picture is arranged. Maybe my word of caution is not even needed, and if so, I am VERY glad she and the kids are financially ok. One less thing to worry about.
She knows what she's got going on over there better than anyone else. It's Greenjade's decision.
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Natja
New member
Greenjade, my bff has did not get her finances secured before she and her husband separated, he just stopped paying the mortgage and insurance, she cannot get him to change his names on some of the other bills which means she can't access them and find out whether he is paying or not.
You really don't know how someone will act when they are bitter. Ignore good advice at your peril.
You really don't know how someone will act when they are bitter. Ignore good advice at your peril.
BoringGuy
Banned
Nobody is suggesting you take everything and leave him high and dry. We're suggesting you take your own survival seriously. You sound like you're in major denial, and you don't want to be pro-active because you think it is like "giving up" or "quitting".
Listen, the people who have posted here already are not going to change their advice. We know you love him. If someone loves you, and they really want to work it out, they say, "I love you and WANT to be with you. This is a fucked-up situation, but I know I don't want to break up" or something like that. Not, "If we break up and I get married to her, would you be happy for us and come to our wedding, or would you be a bitter, spiteful bitch?"
Personally, I don't see how not wanting to attend an ex's wedding = bitter, spiteful bitch... But it sure is a way to make it look like YOU are the one with the problem.
Listen, the people who have posted here already are not going to change their advice. We know you love him. If someone loves you, and they really want to work it out, they say, "I love you and WANT to be with you. This is a fucked-up situation, but I know I don't want to break up" or something like that. Not, "If we break up and I get married to her, would you be happy for us and come to our wedding, or would you be a bitter, spiteful bitch?"
Personally, I don't see how not wanting to attend an ex's wedding = bitter, spiteful bitch... But it sure is a way to make it look like YOU are the one with the problem.
NutBusterX
New member
He's gauging your reaction, in order to formulate his own plans.
Agreements like this occur frequently before the split. This is two people talking and hoping for the best outcome by making promises. IF THESE SENTIMENTS CHANGE (and they do quite frequently) would you not feel better having insured short-term stability for you and your kids?
BoringGuy
Banned
It's like, "Don't worry babe. I'll pull out. And if you get pregnant, we'll get married," then the unthinkable happens, and it's all, "How do I know it's mine? If it is, I'm not paying child support to you, because I won't have you screwing some other guy in an apartment that is being paid for with my money so our kid can live there!" Etc.
This is a version of what could happen to you, with details different and to allow for the passage of more time.
Basically, I have seen people (mostly females) wake up one day, and their partner of years, the father of their children, their best friend, has become this stranger who is suddenly their adversary in all things. This really does happen, and I have not been able to explain why, or hear anyone else do so. It could happen to anyone, even you.
It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or that Star Trek TNG episode where these disembodied alien "escaped convicts" take over the bodies of Data, Counselor Troi, and Chief O'Brien, and "O'Brien" terrorizes his wife and baby by using them as hostages. I know lots of people on here speak Star Trek. Who remembers the episode I'm talking about?
This is a version of what could happen to you, with details different and to allow for the passage of more time.
Basically, I have seen people (mostly females) wake up one day, and their partner of years, the father of their children, their best friend, has become this stranger who is suddenly their adversary in all things. This really does happen, and I have not been able to explain why, or hear anyone else do so. It could happen to anyone, even you.
It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or that Star Trek TNG episode where these disembodied alien "escaped convicts" take over the bodies of Data, Counselor Troi, and Chief O'Brien, and "O'Brien" terrorizes his wife and baby by using them as hostages. I know lots of people on here speak Star Trek. Who remembers the episode I'm talking about?
NutBusterX
New member
*sigh* I remember it.
I just want to emphasize the words, "mostly females." This is an accurate statement, but on occasion it happens to males, as well.
The phrase I like to use is, "Everybody fucks a frog from time to time."
IndieSolo
Active member
My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I also made promises to each other to never let it get ugly between us, and to always be fair and friendly to each other. Ha! You should have seen him glaring at me in court yesterday, all because I want what I am entitled to under law. But he doesn't want to give me anything. Thank goodness I am happily child-free. I can't imagine going through this with kids.
Take half of what's in the bank and go. Take a stance, instead of waiting for all decisions to be made by him. You gotta find your personal sense of power sooner or later, so let it be sooner... as in now.
Take half of what's in the bank and go. Take a stance, instead of waiting for all decisions to be made by him. You gotta find your personal sense of power sooner or later, so let it be sooner... as in now.
NutBusterX
New member
Or instead of all the decisions being made by the court, and waiting weeks or months or years for resolution.
nancyfore
Member
I am at a loss as to why you want to continue to be married to someone who might say he loves you and yet goes out of his way to show you otherwise.
He agreed to a lot of things regarding open marriage, and didn't stick with those rules, either. So what makes you think he will "obey" any rules when it comes to losing you and his kids and possessions in a divorce?
You owe it to your children to make sure they have security. Putting your head in the sand, thinking he will stay, and life will be wonderful, or divorce will be easy, is just not facing reality. Your marriage does not sound as good as you might think it is, if this is his behavior.
I have an ex-husband that "agreed" to be cordial in case of divorce. We didn't even step foot in a courtroom. But as soon as those papers were final, he did everything, and continues to do everything he can to be hurtful.
Of course, I don't know your husband. You do. He has shown you that he can be hurtful (by asking you to go to his wedding); he has shown you can be manipulative (i.e., he said can see you even if a divorce were to happen, due to the kids; he will just walk away from both women, so that you will both call, beg, and swoon all over him). You had to MAKE him stay, although I'm not sure how or why you did that.
Why would you not let him go, if even for a little bit of time, just to spend some time thinking about yourself? Why are you letting him hurt you? Why are you not demanding he leave, if he is only going to treat you badly? You might need a little time for some personal introspection.
He agreed to a lot of things regarding open marriage, and didn't stick with those rules, either. So what makes you think he will "obey" any rules when it comes to losing you and his kids and possessions in a divorce?
You owe it to your children to make sure they have security. Putting your head in the sand, thinking he will stay, and life will be wonderful, or divorce will be easy, is just not facing reality. Your marriage does not sound as good as you might think it is, if this is his behavior.
I have an ex-husband that "agreed" to be cordial in case of divorce. We didn't even step foot in a courtroom. But as soon as those papers were final, he did everything, and continues to do everything he can to be hurtful.
Of course, I don't know your husband. You do. He has shown you that he can be hurtful (by asking you to go to his wedding); he has shown you can be manipulative (i.e., he said can see you even if a divorce were to happen, due to the kids; he will just walk away from both women, so that you will both call, beg, and swoon all over him). You had to MAKE him stay, although I'm not sure how or why you did that.
Why would you not let him go, if even for a little bit of time, just to spend some time thinking about yourself? Why are you letting him hurt you? Why are you not demanding he leave, if he is only going to treat you badly? You might need a little time for some personal introspection.
BoringGuy
Banned
Absolutely emphasize "mostly." I said it that way because recently a few friends of mine had this happen, and these friends of mine all are female. In no way was that supposed to be some kind of sexist generalization. Unfortunately, so much sexist generalization happens in the world, it's one of the first assumptions people make about things other people say. Another reason I qualified that statement is because I think I've observed that men hide their crazy better than women do... If that be so, then perhaps it's because of men being conditioned to not express emotion? Then one day they just reach their threshold?
???
Anyway.
One of my friends thought she had the perfect life, perfect marriage, perfect children, perfect goat farm, etc. Then one day, her Prince Charming beat her up and she escaped with the kids to a women's shelter. She refused to press charges. He got a lawyer, who got him full custody. She pays HIM child support (which is fair for the noncustodial parent to do, but WAIT, there's more), and he has SITTERS watching the kids, even when their mother is available and willing.
This is an extreme case. I am not telling the entire story because it's not relevant. What IS relevant is that you can think you know someone and be able to predict exactly what they will do in a given situation, but you can never know for sure, and people find this out the hard way all the time.
NutBusterX
New member
We are in complete agreement on this.
For the record, I didn't have it anywhere in my mind that you had made a sexist statement. Shitty treatment is shitty treatment, regardless of how the chromosomes are arranged.