Need advice

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Rosaliedawn

New member
Hi all, I'm new here so nice to meet you all. I'm wondering if I could get some advice. Been with my husband since high school so something like 14 years now. We crushed on each other through high school and got together during my last year. He's been with other people before me, I've only had superficial relationships and no other sexual partners. We've always been mono, but I've known for a long time that I'm bisexual. I would like to try a poly relationship with another woman and hubby has no objections, what our struggle is at the moment is that we have a young child and I am pregnant with number 2. Since getting pregnant with number 1 I have had zero interest in sex and that's a few years now. My husband is very sexually driven so it's been an issue with us for some time. He seems to think bringing in another person will fix me (I have explained pregnancy and hormones to him but he doesn't get it) I'm hesitant because 1, it would kill me watching them connect when I really don't feel like I can. 2 I need his attention and support at the moment and he's easily distracted. 3 I a, terrified of catching something from someone while pregnant, I know people are generally good at disclosing but not everyone is honest. And lastly, seriously, I'm a bloody whale right now, not exactly a catch. He thinks people won't be bothered by it, I'm not in the least convinced. I feel bad for depriving him of intimacy which is a huge thing for him so introducing another partner would be nice for him and may end up easing some of our current issues but not sure. What would you do in my situation? Would it be crazy to start looking now? Thanks
 
Polyamory does not fix issues in marriages. In fact it magnifies them ten fold.

Second where you all are in life, parenting infants and toddlers, is not the time to be testing the waters with poly. Small kids take all your energy. You don't have time to shower let alone date someone. You need both parents on deck so to speak to survive.

Third couple dating never works. What's going to happen because we see posts like yours all the time is this. Your husband is going to meet this awesome girl who is "perfect" for both of you. He's going to bring her home and they will go have their fun while you are stuck doing the housework and childcare. She is going to have eyes only for your husband.

So my advice is if you and your husband value your marriage this is not the time for poly. The kids will grow up soon enough and if you're still interested then you can look into poly then. I would also speak to your doctor about your sex drive if it doesn't return after the baby.
 
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Hi Rosaliedawn,

Welcome!

I understand how pregnancy and caring for infants can be a lady boner killer! I was so uncomfortable and unwieldy when pregnant, and baby care was so exhausting. I also lost libido with all 3 of my pregnancies and through the toddler stage. My libido came back when my 3rd and final child was 5 and finally sleeping through the night! The good news is, it came back much stronger than it had ever been my entire life, and boy, was my husband happy! (ex husband, and we were mono).

The not so good news was since my 3rd was 5 1/2 years younger than my first, we had a 15 year period of very mediocre to non-existent sex. It was rough on my ex h. For me, I just needed sleep. If he'd done more housework and given me more breaks to pamper myself, get rest, go shopping for pretty clothes, and if he'd complimented me more, so I felt less like a madonna and more like a desirable woman (slut), he would've gotten more sex! But I could never convince him of that.

However, once the kids were more independent, he was also making a lot more money at his career and we could afford babysitters and weekends away, and could leave the kids with beloved relatives for a week at a time to go take romantic vacations. Everything changed. Sex became incredible. (We had other issues though and split in 2008.)

But let's say you don't want to wait X years for things to improve naturally. I can also relate to you since I am bisexual and poly. Even though my ex and I had a mono relationship, it was an uncomfortable "secret" I was bi and poly.

So when our sex life improved, we finally decided to explore that. We went about it like you describe: find a gf to share. It was a disaster. We never did have threeway sex because the woman we found who had seemed to be into both of us turned out to only be into him. So they had one on one sex a bunch of times, fell madly in love, total infatuation, then told each other and me they were soul mates. My ex h said he wanted to move her into our house to be a co-wife after only 3 months of relationship. Also, the gf lived hundreds of miles away, and he'd go visit her every 3 weeks, leaving me with all the child care and pet care and household maintenance work for long weekends. This set up didnt last long, and drove my ex and me into therapy.

Nowadays I have a new (female) partner and we've been poly the whole time, 8 years. Kids are grown, so we don't have their care sucking up time and energy. We both date separately without jealousy issues. We dabbled with sharing sex with one or two of my partners but it didn't work out. So, the last few years, we each just get our own boyfriends (or occasional girlfriend).

Anyway, that is my cautionary tale. For you two, know that opening a mono relationship doesn't automatically mean 3way FMF sex. Decide what YOU want. No sex at all? Just for your h to have a partner for casual sex so he doesn't feel so frustrated? Or maybe a nice romantic but platonic gf for you as well? Or just more time and dates and romance with your h to encourage you to feel sexier? More breaks and naps for you? More pampering?

As an aside, I was actually relieved when my ex told me he'd sometimes stop at a strip club on the way home from work. I thought, sure, OK, go ogle some sexual-seeming women, get a lap dance even, I know I am like a nun these days. It would have been better if he'd just done more housework though, so I had some energy left for sex! I knew he didn't prefer casual sex with a paid sex worker... But it was what it was.

I can understand why you feel bloated and whale like. I understand you are, so far, afraid to see your h with another woman, or know he's out fucking someone while you're home with kid #1 and feeling so uncomfortable and overworked.

There are several books you can read about opening a formerly mono relationship. I kinda did it by the seat of my pants back in 1999 when my ex and I tried it, but you don't have to. Read Opening Up and More Than Two (that one is a website as well).

I'll stop there for now.

HTH, Mags
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I have had zero interest in sex and that's a few years now. My husband is very sexually driven so it's been an issue with us for some time. He seems to think bringing in another person will fix me
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Is he expecting that you having a female lover will make it so you have interest in sex with him again?

Is he expecting that you will bring home a female lover for BOTH of you to share group sex?

What happens if you Open so you can explore your bi side and you still aren't interested in sex with hubby? What then? :confused:

What would you do in my situation?
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You don't seem to want to Open while pregnant. So don't. Instead, spend some more time thinking things out.

Poly isn't the "bandaid" to fix what is broken in a marriage. It's just going to magnify all the cracks that are already there.

These are his children too... is he helping you enough? Are you burning out on pregnancy/early childhood care so there's no energy left at the end of the day for couple time or sex? If so... can you get house help? Can he pitch in more?

I feel bad for depriving him of intimacy which is a huge thing for him
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It is your body. You determine when/with who you share sex with your body. Partnered sex share isn't a "right" you are taking away from him. It is a privilege.

It isn't like you are a toaster that dispenses toast whenever he wants some.

so introducing another partner would be nice for him and may end up easing some of our current issues but not sure.
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If the "goal" of poly is him to have sex with someone else so he stops pressuring you for sex?

  • You could ask him to stop pressuring you for sex. That's the most direct route.
  • You could think about him dating someone else on his own. That might solve it indirectly... or he has a GF and he still pressures you.

it would kill me watching them connect when I really don't feel like I can
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Him dating someone else doesn't have to mean group sex. You also don't have to be watching him and his future GF having sex. Is that what you meant? :confused: If so, you can say NO to that. Your consent to participate in something or not belongs to you.

Did you mean you are worried about him dating someone else in general? You are ok dating others for you, but feel weird about him dating others? Could work to overcome that so each of you can date separately when you do Open.

You don't seem to want to Open while pregnant, so wait. And in the meanwhile, educate yourselves and get to the root of what you think poly would "solve" for you guys. Then solve it before you actually poly.

It's not your future dating partner(s) job to be your "marriage bandaid."

You might also consider if this goes beyond pregnancy hormones.

We crushed on each other through high school and got together during my last year. He's been with other people before me, I've only had superficial relationships and no other sexual partners. We've always been mono, but I've known for a long time that I'm bisexual.
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Is it that you guys got together and married too young? And now you've outgrown him? But aren't ready to think about divorce?

I'm sorry you are struggling. But I think rather than rushing to Open so your husband can have sex more often... you could spend some time thinking about what it is your really want from your life and prepare for the upcoming birth first. Take it one thing at a time.

Maybe these help you in your research:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

Galagirl
 
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Hi all, thanks for the replies, some things I wanted to address. I agree with those who've said I probably don't have enough time to feel like a wife and not a mother, that's a good point I really don't. That's not all on hubby though, I also work so spend every day I'm not working with my son. I've been thinking of sending him to childcare one day a week when I'm not working and probably will for that reason, thanks. Hubby could definitely help more around the house, but the difficulty is he works from very early morning so often quite late in the evening and is usually stuffed upon return home just like me. I have asked him to speak to his boss about all the overtime he does but as he says he doesn't want to leave a job half done. He's a sparky and if someone's power is off he can't just leave it like that. I have suggested that maybe if he gets to a job and sees it's going to be a long one to call his boss and say no until the next day. I may reiterate this point though because his hours are rediculous. I'm also a shift worker which gives us limited time together and as we don't have any structure to our roster at work I have to plan everything a long time in advance so can't do anything spontaneous even though my mother is usually fine to have our boy if we need her to. That kills a lot of things we could do together childfree. I have considered changing jobs and probably will after this baby for my own personal reasons as well as family ones, it's not worth the stress it brings.

As for some other questions asked, hubby does certainly go out if his way to make me feel sexy etc, I'm not into the whole being made to feel slutty thing though as someone suggested, so that's a huge turn off for me, so we've spoken about how he speaks and acts sometimes when he's trying to get me in the mood and he usuall gets it. He's very complimentary and affectionate and loving, if he weren't we wouldn't be married as I like that. Someone suggested we got married too young but we didn't actually get married until 7 years into our relationship and we both called a separation for short intervals during that 7years when we needed to grow. We always ended up back together though as we do love each other and I'm insanely picky with who I choose to love so he's something special there. I don't think we've outgrown each other at all just navigating life is a bit harder at the moment.

As for the poly thing fixing everything that's not what I expect at all. He's actually happy to have something casual to have his needs met, he just wants me involved as well. I'm the one that would rather have a relationship because I'm not a casual sex person. He found a couple online and asked if I wanted to contact them for a casual thing, but I explained why that doesn't interest me and he gets it. I also have zero interest in another man being anywhere near me. I don't believe in sexuality labels, I think you can love whoever you love, but I think I'd be with a woman if I wasn't married to my husband. He is literally he only man I have any attraction to. He'd like to see me have fun with another man, I just don't want to.

It was suggested that I see a dr about my libido, but I should add I breastfed my son until I got pregnant with this one so that's also a libido killer and perfectly normal. Yes the information is in google, but so is a lot of info about women who want it all he time while pregnant and believe me I wish I did. It's hard because it seems the busier I get and the less interested I am the needier he is. He's so sexually driven and needs the relief it provides daily, I am not like that and he didn't used to be. I think it's a combination of parenthood and work schedules that have caused this as we both are relatively new to our jobs.

I know I wouldn't have to be involved if he had a gf, he just wants us to do these things together and I wouldn't want to do anything completely separate from him either. We discussed him seeing someone casually and he did ask a couple of women, both of which told him he was being pathetic and he had a wife and child on the way, what was he thinking? So that killed any interest he had in approaching anyone else. I do feel I'd be worried about him running off with someone who gave it to him as often as he wants, but that's on me more than him, I'm from a divorced household. I would find it hard to have him with someone else while I didn't feel up to it because I don't get enough time with him as it is, I think I'd be jealous of the attention he showed her, not the sexual side of things, but the affection. It wouldn't bother me if we were all on the same level so yes, it won't be entered into until after baby. To be clear though I don't just want this for him, it's for me as well, having someone who was around a bit more would be nice and I would like another woman's presence in my life.

Thanks for the reading suggestions, I will definitely check them out.
 
It sounds like to me that neither of you have time for dating and romancing anyone else, or even each other. What would this look like - your husband working insane hours, only to finally come home, get showered and dressed and then over to a girlfriend's place, while you are exhausted and dealing with the kids alone? Until you solve the time issue, I think poly should be off the table. if you can't schedule a child free time each week for the two of you together, I can't imagine how that would work with him leaving you to do everything while he went out.

In my household, I am super careful about dating and adding new people into my life - if I can't handle the calendar I have, expanding it is only going to end in disaster. And my youngest is 19! :)

Dating as a couple, from what I have read, never ends well. I wouldn't suggest you go unicorn hunting.
 
With both your work schedules already being what they are so you barely/ rarely have time for each other... what will you drop so you have time to be dating each other AND other people? :confused:

Galagirl
 
Hi Rosaliedawn,

You have a tough situation on your hands; all I can think of is, have your boy with your mom or childcare once a week, then be with your husband every other week, and the remaining weeks, spend them with poly partners, separately, so that your husband can hook up with someone casually, and you can develop more of an emotional relationship with someone else. I know this overly complicates things, and is probably a bad suggestion, but it's all I can think of given your situation. I hope some of the other posts in this thread have proved to be more helpful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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