Need advice

R

RayneShadow

New member
There is something wrong in the world today. People that do not get I am the King of my castle. Or they do not get that I do not change just because of who is in town or not. I am me no matter how you look at me. I am who and what I am no matter what.

I grew up in a monogamous family my parents were just as plan jane as they come They had their kink . In high school I was known as the guy with the 8MM films to be invited to any and all parties. Yes I was that guy. I enjoyed growing up knowing my father was at the head of the household. Taught me many things as a young man, I have been married 4 times in my life looking for the one with the same values as mine. iI did find just that one in raynesheart. Hell we even got married in a BDSM club. Our flower girl was my baby girl at the time.

Well all things that is great to start with does not always last as they should. Her sister now lives with us and it is one thing after another. We do not live that life as we should. Or my sluts or whores are over all the time. Hell even last week her sisters ex husband and kids where in town. I had one of my girls to stay with us. Sister in law has had the thought that I should not have had her over. That it is not my house to do as I want to .

She has been here too long. She will never understand poly. My parents will never understand poly my wife's family will never understand poly. But neither of our parents is running our life's. It has my wife in the middle of things between her sister and me. Hell just tonight I sat down to have dinner with my wife. ends up in a fight.

Life is not suppose to be this hard in having a poly family.


So should I stay in a cave or beat this shit out of the sister inlaw?
 
Stay in a cave. If beating the shit out of someone is even an option you're considering then also brick up the entrance behind you.
 
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Hi RayneShadow,

Sounds to me like your sister-in-law has worn out her welcome. What was her reason for staying at your house in the first place? How long has she been staying there? What's stopping her from getting her own place? What's your wife's position on all this?

I hope the SIL will be out of your hair soon.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 her reason was to find a job get on her feet and find her own place. She has been here for one and a half. She cannot keep her finances right she had 2 cars when she got here and now she has a new truck 2017.

Wife is in the middle of things,
 
RayneShadow said:
Life is not suppose to be this hard in having a poly family. ?
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It's not about having a poly family, it's about you. YOU are the person who has created your life and you are the only one who can change it. It's never the other guy's fault and your life seems to be chock-o-block full of "the other guy's fault." People pretty much treat us how we teach them to treat us. Take some person responsibility here, man.
 
Karen


I take care of my own business. I never blame anyone else for anything. I do not finger point. I am simply asking for advice. Seems to me you are the one here that has an agenda. My girls and I try our best to keep peace here.
 
You and your wife could give the sister in law a deadline to find a place. But I bet your wife does not want that option or you would have done it already. Hence wife in the middle.

Have you tried talking with the sister in law? Sitting down, honestly but respectfully airing out the problems?
 
You're not starting from a good place. For instance,
So should I stay in a cave or beat this shit out of the sister inlaw?
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is offering the choice of "tell me to either be a whiny dumbass or a violent dumbass."

:(
Life is not suppose to be this hard in having a poly family.
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You'd have to show me where anyone clueful has made such a guarantee. Being nonmonogamous has lots of difficulties & can sometimes be an outright PITA.

I'm NOT saying you're somehow a Bad Person, but it does look like you're setting yourself up to become one. It DOES suck to find that you're not "the man in charge" & maybe not even an equal partner & your needs are undercut.

Clearly, you're in the habit of building up all sorts of preconceptions, then acting as though they're real. So in response I'd say the best beginning is stop that.

My brother used to deal inappropriately, & eventually the court sent him to anger management classes. He says it's one of the best things he's ever experienced, it granted him years of happiness & helped him immensely when his wife developed cancer.
 
You are not in a poly family, you are an abusive matriarch. I will it that much pain comes to you
 
I imagine you were being witty or sarcastic. That dazzle came at the cost of actual clear functional descriptions. You may have whatever kind of a relationship with your wife, sister-in-law, girls, etc where you expect to be the focus of attention and everyone knowing what is going on with you. You don't have it with us. There is no harm in describing it and requesting for help or advice. I'm still trying to figure out whether whores and sluts are people you are in a relationship with or recreation/profession and whether girls means you have daughters too in the mix or whether your poly guarantee came with relatives appreciating their sister being married to someone having "whores"home because it was his home (meaning not their sister's?). I was vaguely expecting you to wave an arm and go "you know how it is, just read my mind and solve this".

I am not sure you want advice. You wanted to be heard that life isn't going how you want it to and there are space and acceptance issues and you are feeling irritated and mixed it in with some verbal glitter. If it makes you feel better to be heard, I guess we read that.

Otherwise, be more specific about what you'd like from us.

For what it is worth, cave sounds like the better option if you were asking seriously and the alternative is assault.

If it wasn't supposed to be hard, you're going to have to take it up with whoever gave you the guarantee.

If my sister were married to someone who had women he called whores around while I was there and without checking for my sister's comfort, I'd think he was an entitled creep. If you aren't, I guess your dazzling post missed mentioning what your wife feels about that too.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent. You seem angry.

So should I stay in a cave or beat this shit out of the sister inlaw?
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I hope you are not serious about beating your SIL. That's not appropriate.

She has been here too long. She will never understand poly. My parents will never understand poly my wife's family will never understand poly. But neither of our parents is running our life's. It has my wife in the middle of things between her sister and me. Hell just tonight I sat down to have dinner with my wife. ends up in a fight.
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Bottom line? If you and wife are happy living as you live? Other people don't have to like it. They also don't have to live with you.

I enjoyed growing up knowing my father was at the head of the household. Taught me many things as a young man, I have been married 4 times in my life looking for the one with the same values as mine. iI did find just that one in raynesheart.
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Well, if you are the "head of the household" in this family, and your wife also expects you to be it? I suggest you get ON with being it. If you see wife "struggling with being in the middle" relieve her of this struggle and get on with the show. Show strong leadership.

The main problem sounds like you are tired of living with your SIL.

I am going to guess. I might guess wrong: It sounds like you guys allowed her to move in with the idea that staying a while would help her get on her feet and find her own place. It doesn't sound like you actually drew up a lease or rental agreement though for a long term stay like that.

If you and wife made this mistake? Get on with cleaning it up.

SIL been here 1.5 years. Is she any closer to her own place? If she's moving in a month and has the new lease lined up and all that? I would suggest saying nothing and just riding it out. What's another few weeks?

But if nothing is happening? Tell your wife you are no longer willing to live with SIL. SIL must move out.
  • Wife can ask her to move out
  • Or you can ask her to move out.

Which does wife prefer? If wife hems and haws about doing it, you say "Alright. You don't seem willing and able. So I will do it." Then get on with the show.

Tell SIL to move out by x date.
  • Does she need help moving stuff to her parents?
  • To another friend?
  • Or to a storage unit?

Which does SIL prefer?

If she hems and haws.... You say "Sounds like you aren't sure about going to your parents or to a friend. So storage unit sounds best for now." Then get on with the show.

Take her to the storage unit and set up a contract in her name and you pay for X months in CASH. Move her stuff to the storage unit. Then change the locks to your home and don't give SIL a new key. You are out of it at that point.

Whether SIL chooses to move on to her own place or to other relatives or friends while she gets it together? That's not your concern. That's SIL's concern. You simply want your home back to just yourselves. She's worn out her welcome. You want to be out of it.

You stop "carrying" this SIL and return responsibility for herself and her stuff back to HER.

After that? It's all her deal. She can
  • Renew the contract for longer if she needs more time
  • Deal with getting her stuff from the unit before the contract you helped her set up expires
  • Or deal with the storage unit locking her out and dumping her stuff if she doesn't maintain her contract.

Just keep the train moving along. No hard feelings, but you keep it moving along. Business-like.

That's what a landlord would have to do with a tenant who leaves all their stuff behind. They'd have to make arrangements to move the stuff/donate the stuff/trash the stuff left behind if a tenant bails.

In the interest of keeping family relationships less tense? Don't just trash her stuff on the curb on garbage day.

You could be generous and pay the costs of moving SIL's stuff out.
  • Call it the "price of admission" to having your home back.
  • Could also call it the "price of lesson learned" -- no more long term guests with no lease/rental agreement.

Next time do NOT have people live with you for so long without signing a lease/rental agreement. Visiting for a week is one thing.

When it goes out to years? That's not a visit.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl,

Do you know stuff/background about this situation from another thread or something? For eg the "one and half" is years not months/weeks/decades? Or where his wife is on the subject? Or what the conditions are for SIL being there and whether they allow for eviction? And if they do why it hasn't happened so far? Or, for that matter if the SIL pays them back in some other manner that makes her stay not freeloading?

I sort of found myself staring at the post with next to nothing that gives a concrete idea enough to advise anything, let alone detailed process to evict partner's sister with or without partner's consent - or is the partner going to let him do that without trouble in a relationship he values? He hasn't even said he wants SIL to go so much as her being there too long is causing stress.
 
Sure. Be glad to clarify where I am coming from.

In post #1, OP states SIL has been here too long.

In post #5, OP states "her reason was to find a job get on her feet and find her own place. She has been here for one and a half. She cannot keep her finances right she had 2 cars when she got here and now she has a new truck 2017. "

In post #1, OP states "So should I stay in a cave or beat this shit out of the sister inlaw?"


I said I was going to guess, and I might guess wrong. Hopefully OP corrects me where I get anything wrong. I guessed 1.5 years. I guessed OP is unhappy with SIL there. Otherwise, why post?

I don't think "staying in the cave" ignoring the problem helps relieve the stress. I don't think beating his SIL is a good solution to relieve the stress either. In those shoes? I would plump for getting SIL out of there to help reduce the stress.

Whether 1.5 years years or 1.5 months... either way to me it sounds like SIL has overstayed her welcome, OP wants her gone, and wife doesn't want to be the one to ask her to move out.

I think SOMEONE has to say something for the situation to change. OP does not seem happy with SIL there. Wife does not sound happy feeling "trapped" between spouse and sister. If the sister is complaining about their lifestyle and guests in the home and fighting with OP at dinner, then she doesn't sound all that happy there either.

If this is what is going on over there? I suggest OP could get on with asking her to leave the home. Take the direct approach and make a change.

OP could give wife the chance to be the one to deal with her sister first. Wife may/may not be happy about OP's plan of moving SIL's things out to a storage unit. Wife has opportunity to suggest a different plan of her own for how to solve this. If she cannot come up with alternative? Just get on with the show.

SIL also has opportunity to suggest a choice #4 of her own choosing if she does not like parents, friend or storage unit. If she does not come up with a plan? Just get on with the show.

I don't find it unreasonable to be told "Well, we've done our best for you for X amount of time. We do not get along and don't make good roomies. Nobody seems happy here. In order to return to a more peaceful relationship, I would like you to move out. I can help you move your things to your parents, or a friend's house or a storage unit. Or some other place you prefer. Let me know by X date. Otherwise I figure storage unit. Be glad to help you pay for it for the first X months."

That gets things moving and the SIL roomie part of the problem solved.

Then OP and wife have time/space on their own to work on their relationship and what to do in future to avoid this sort of thing with relatives.

Galagirl
 
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