Need help, first time

[Newbie12]

Hi, I’m in my first poly relationship. All my other relationship have been monogamous, including my 13 yr marriage. Been 3 years since that. I was single for most of it, then I met my boyfriend last year. At the time he was in an open relationship and I was ok with it. I didn’t see it going that far.

Boy, was I wrong. I fell hard and fast for this amazing man. No one else has ever been so kind, caring and loving towards me. (I've had a couple of past abusive relationships, bad ones.) We starting going on dates in October. In December he and his primary partner choose to go poly (for the 2nd time in their relationship) so he could officially ask me to be his girlfriend. I met his gf. We got along and have hung out a handful of times since then, with and without the bf.

I kept my FWB. I didn’t have many issues with jealousy until recently. It’s just hit me that we won’t have a future together. He’s got 2 kids. I have 3 (14, 8 & 5) and my family are not understanding of anything they don’t agree with, so they don’t know. We will never be able to live together, or celebrate holidays, or make any lifetime decisions together.

He keeps hoping that once all the kids are in college, we could all live together. That’s not realistic for me. If I didn’t have kids, I think I would. But together we have 5 kids. (He did try to convince me to have 1 together, but I can’t. I told him I would resent him for only parttime parenting. I don’t want to be a single mom of 4. I just mentally can’t do it.)

I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to be ok with no future. I’ve never had a love like this one and he’s so good with my kids and all the drama my ex causes, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how we have no future and I get very upset.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I know no one else in a poly relationship and have no one to ask any questions.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Newbie12,

Maybe this man (whom you do love) could just be one of a multiple number of partners to you. You don't have to be his live-in girlfriend like a wife. Just someone who gets together with him from time to time. Then you could also have a more lasting/involved relationship with someone else. Just a thought. Polyamory makes these things conceivable.

I hope that helps.
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong in my impression, but it kinda sounds like...

• You are surprised you developed deep feelings here.
• It's your first poly relationship, so you default to thinking like a trip on the monogamous relationship escalator.
  • When really, you can have whatever poly future together you two want to to create.
  • Maybe you want to look at the relationship menu for just the next year, and then revisit later on as the relationship continues to grow.
• Life decisions
  • If you are done having bio kids, be done then. Finish raising the ones already here.
  • Remember, "family" comes in many shapes: bio, adopted, married, divorced, coparenting, step family, friend family, etc.
  • You worry about being "out" as poly to the parents/your relatives. It isn't something you have to do this minute, though.
  • How to celebrate holidays will change many times over a life as you grow and change, and as the kids grow and change, and the elders grow and change. It's ok to celebrate them over a season. Not everything has to be exactly on the day.

I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to be ok with no future. I’ve never had a love like this one and he’s so good with my kids and all the drama my ex causes, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how we have no future and I get very upset.

Well... maybe you could stop upsetting yourself by telling yourself there's no future here. He seems to want to build one with you. So maybe you could change your mind and think, "OK, I don't know what is possible. I'm new to this. I could talk to him more and see," and find out if that feels any better. Actually TALK and see what aligns, rather than just jumping to conclusions that this isn't going to be monogamy.

Maybe you could live together in a duplex or in next-door apartments, so there's space, but closeness. Maybe get a house with a cottage or garage apartment. Or some other arrangement. Maybe that's one of the life decisions to make: moving.

It's OK to take it in baby steps.

Galagirl

 

[ImNewHere]

I am new to this forum, not new to poly, but I think Gala Girl has amazing points. It wouldn't be fair of you to expect him to leave his other partners to be with you, especially since thats not who he was when you met and you agreed to be with him under the terms he and his other partner had agreed upon. The "future" is amorphous and can take any shape you choose to build. It's also not promised to anyone. Today could be your only day, so why not celebrate and enjoy what you have found instead of worrying about what tomorrow might not hold? Also worrying about what tomorrow might not hold will stop you from seeing what it might hold instead. Just because the future you were taught was the right one to have isn't what you actually found doesn't make it any less loving, supportive, kind, or sweet. Sounds like you have a nice life and if your family can't accept it, well they don't have to live it. Its been really hard for women to get their rights, hold onto yours and don't be afraid of living your truth.
Good luck with whatever decision you choose. I hope you talk to him and I hope you are able to enjoy your relationship you have with him and his other partners. It's nice when folks get along.
Yours
Iamnewhere soon I will pick a better screen name I promise

 

[Newbie12]

I am new to this forum, not new to poly, but I think Gala Girl has amazing points. It wouldn't be fair of you to expect him to leave his other partners to be with you, especially since thats not who he was when you met and you agreed to be with him under the terms he and his other partner had agreed upon. The "future" is amorphous and can take any shape you choose to build. It's also not promised to anyone. Today could be your only day, so why not celebrate and enjoy what you have found instead of worrying about what tomorrow might not hold? Also worrying about what tomorrow might not hold will stop you from seeing what it might hold instead. Just because the future you were taught was the right one to have isn't what you actually found doesn't make it any less loving, supportive, kind, or sweet. Sounds like you have a nice life and if your family can't accept it, well they don't have to live it. Its been really hard for women to get their rights, hold onto yours and don't be afraid of living your truth.
Good luck with whatever decision you choose. I hope you talk to him and I hope you are able to enjoy your relationship you have with him and his other partners. It's nice when folks get along.
Yours
Iamnewhere soon I will pick a better screen name I promise

Oh ya. I always said I would never ask him to leave her. That’s why I’m always thinking of just bowing out, or looking for a way out, which drives him crazy cuz he knows I overthink and am really hard on myself. He tries. It’s just me. I’m wondering if I have too much trauma for relationships, cuz he is so patient and tries to understand and help, but sometimes it’s too hard for him, which it would be for anyone. I legit start having a panic attack if he starts to get mad. idk. That’s why I always think removing myself would be better, but I love him.

 

[ImNewHere]

Oh ya. I always said I would never ask him to leave her that’s why I’m always thinking of just bowing out. Or looking for a way out, which drives him crazy cuz he knows I overthink and am really hard on myself. He tries it’s just me, I’m wondering if I have too much trauma for relationships cuz he is so patient and tries to understand and help but sometimes it’s too hard for him which or would be for anyone. I legit start having panic attack if he starts to get mad. idk that’s why I always think removing myself would be better but I love him.

Do you have a therapist? @GalaGirl posted a wonderful link to a resource that contained links to poly friendly therapists. I just used it to find someone for my husband.

 

[Newbie12]

I do, but don’t get to see her as often as I prob should. My 13 yr relationship was a super abusive one. But she’s not very poly versed.

 

[ImNewHere]

Do you have a therapist? @GalaGirl posted a wonderful link to a resource that contained links to poly friendly therapists. I just used it to find someone for my husband.

I do but don’t get to see her as often as I prob should. My 13yr relationship was a super abusive one. But she’s not very poly versed.

I mean folks are really nice on here and kind to talk to, but I am so thankful to my therapist, I am very thankful that she is poly versed, she helped me work through a lifetime of insecurity and self worth issues and being ok living in a way that is good for me. See if your therapist will read Sex at Dawn or something and help you with this, or maybe find one who understands things. It will help I think.

 

[GalaGirl]

The link was:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

I legit start having panic attack if he starts to get mad.

That's understandable, if there was a lot of abusive anger in your past. When other people get mad, you can feel like "OMG! Am I safe? Is this like normal people mad or abuser-type mad?"

idk that’s why I always think removing myself would be better but I love him.

Gently... if you love him, and this is the best treatment you've ever had from a partner, does that feel scary? Like, you don't believe you deserve to be treated well? It's unfamiliar? You don't know how to act? These may be things to work out with a counselor, because you DO deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl

 

[mountaingirl]

It's your first poly relationship, so you default to thinking like the monogamous relationship escalator.

• When really, you can have whatever poly future together you two want to to create.

This!
It's a lot easier to be happy in a poly relationship (and any relationship for that matter) if you accept the potential limits (i.e. not being able to have your own kid with this person, perhaps not living together full time) and instead of lamenting them (if you decide they are acceptable limits), literally finding a silver lining. i know that sounds corny, but what you have with this guy is special BECAUSE all of those normal mono relationship escalator things aren't on the table--

and literally who knows what's on the table, or if you'll even want something with him in the future! You've been with this guy for a year, if that? enjoy it! try not to let the fun new relationship sparklies pass you by while you're pulling ur hair out thinking 5-10 years down the line (I say this from personal experience of doing exactly that).
That being said, I and I'm sure a lot of other previously mono people have been there. It's okay to have those feelings of "eek is this a dead end???". I'm pretty sure even mono people feel that way when they realize they really like someone and are not sure what the future holds. Just try not to let those intrusive thoughts mess up a good thing

I legit start having a panic attack if he starts to get mad. idk. That’s why I always think removing myself would be better, but I love him.

I definitely understand this sentiment. It's hard to let others love you when you are dealing with trauma and anxiety associated with abuse in romantic relationship(s), and I get that his frustration might seem world ending to you if you're not used to a romantic partner expressing negative emotions in a healthy way.
I agree with Galagirl; a counselor/therapist might be really helpful. Some of these problems seem like suffering going on in your own head that might take some reflection to sort out. My husband sticks to the reminder of calmly saying "I am not *insert douchebag ex's name here*" when I start getting all panicky and whatnot. It's funny (in a sad way) the old connections our brain locks into by default when shit gets stressful.

If you do already have a therapist, maybe writing down grounding statements for those moments could help.