Need Help - Overwhelmed

[IndieSolo]

Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship satisfying, fulfilling, nurturing, and joyful. Many of us, I am sure, have had the experience of loving someone who was not only a mismatch but just plan bad for us.

Really, I read your descriptions of the conversations you had with him, and I feel afraid for you if you keep seeing him. I don't like what I read one bit. Especially because the result was that you were feeling horrible about yourself, questioning your own motivation about wanting to practice polyamory, are feeling anxious about it even still -- and now you sound like you're making excuses for him.

Don't let a man knock you off your center. And don't be hard on yourself for being attracted to men who are hard on you - it's a pattern, but a pattern can be changed if you bring awareness to it.

You can empathize, sympathize, and be as compassionate toward him as you want, but I don't see him as good relationship material, mono, poly or otherwise. You know, even psychopaths and serial killers can be extremely charming and even seem lovable -- and I'm not saying he is either one of those things, but you certainly wouldn't want someone like that in your life, nor someone who fucks with your head, has a twisted view of relationships, and tries to dictate what he thinks is right for you.

If I were you, I would walk away and continue to build and strengthen your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. It seems to me that a relationship with this guy would only serve to erode whatever self-esteem and "centeredness" you do have.

There's a reason why, at his age, he hasn't been in any long-term relationships before. Take heed. And yes, do join a poly group (and other types of groups), and get to know people, make friends, go on dates, see that there are all types of men out there who will be interested in you - try 'em out! Don't place your bets on this one anymore, hon, please.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, what nycindie said ... and I know it seems like he's being more reasonable now, but that could be a mere ploy to keep you under his shadow. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing wrong. He could have something like narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists neither realize nor believe that they have a problem, they believe it's everyone else that has the problem. And maybe they've learned by experience that certain (deceiving) behaviors help them get what they want, even if they don't understand why.

 

[opalescent]

I suggest reading the 'Gift of Fear'. Here is an Amazon link http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198. It is also in libraries.

To boil down a key point in the book, listen to your intuition! It is already telling you valuable information. I read that scattered throughout your posts. One of the first things abusers do is try to destroy confidence in your own judgment and intuition. You know this pattern from your marriage. He is already using this tactic.

If your intuition tells you to run, get away, dump him, so it! Then figure out why later.

Also I strongly suggest not telling or discussing this book or any like it with him. That is just an opportunity for him to erode your belief in yourself and your own thoughts, ideas, feelings and judgment. Generally I am all about transparency and open exchange but in this case it is actively damaging to you.

Like everyone else he strikes me as actively destructive to you. It doesn't matter if that is conscious on his part or not. You are still in danger of being damaged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You deserve better and I see you bravely reaching out for that better life.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, what nycindie said ... and I know it seems like he's being more reasonable now, but that could be a mere ploy to keep you under his shadow. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing wrong. He could have something like narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists neither realize nor believe that they have a problem, they believe it's everyone else that has the problem. And maybe they've learned by experience that certain (deceiving) behaviors help them get what they want, even if they don't understand why.

I am getting the Narcissist vibe as well. I was in a relationship with one of them. Do a google search for it and see if things match up. The charm and magnetism at first, then the cheating, the gaslighting, the denial he said what he said, the double standards, the seeming reasonable rational conversations followed by breaking agreements, enjoying your compassion while giving none back, etc etc., all seem like red flags of a narcissist to me.