Need help with Date Night boundaries!

Hi! I’m Anthony & I need a little advice. My husband (Alex) & I have been married for 6 years. We just started opening our hearts and minds to poly about 7 months ago so still pretty new. My husband has been in a committed relationship with his new partner Chris for a few months. He’s a really sweet guy and we are building a friendship/mutual respect (after a rocky start). We are in a V structure, with my husband being the hinge.

So, I took my husband on a date to see his favorite artist last weekend. It was so amazing to see him happy, singing along and just in his element. We’re having a great time singing, drinking and dancing. During one of the slow tempo songs, I look over and see my husband texting Chris (his partner) a video from the concert. This kind of made me feel a little sad, because this was our date night and a night i curated all for the hubby’s pleasure; to see him happy. And him including his partner in our night somewhat took a little bit of joy away from me. It felt like he had to include him (Chris) in everything and we already share so much. Could we have this one experience?

I tried not to overreact and brought it up later about how it made me feel sad, and my husband couldn’t understand. We’ve never really discussed boundaries on date nights (like I said, we’re still new) but idk, I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable here. I wouldn’t want him texting me info from his dates with his partner. How do I get this across to my husband in a way that he can understand?
 
Yes, it's time to establish some basic courtesy rules. You'll have to decide what works for you.

I don't text, call or otherwise communicate with others when I'm spending quality time out. I expect the same from my partners. If they want to get some video or pictures, I have no issues with that, but they can be sent AFTER the date is over.

In polyamory, quality time is valuable, so you should be enjoying it with the partner you are with. Sit down and discuss what quality time is, what is a date, and what is just time together, but neither of these things. For me, quality time is predefined as a date. It's planned and on the calendar. Whether we watch TV together, talk, go out to dinner or do an activity, or have sex, it's planned time that we spend one-on-one, connecting and nurturing our relationship, and our partner is the focus. Outside of those planned times, we spend time we each wish. We still might do-date like things, but we can change our minds, take a call or go out with friends, because that time is not dedicated to the partner.
 
I agree with Bobbi. My partners and I have an agreement that certain times are exclusively our own, and we won’t text or take calls except in a real emergency. It’s not hard. I don’t take calls during work meetings either!

Point out to Alex that he doesn’t need to ‘understand’ in order to respect your feelings and your need for special time that is just the two of you. As a good hinge, he needs to manage that. Conversely, when you form a new relationship and are in NRE, you will also respect his boundaries and continue to make him feel special. I’m sure Alex and Chris need time when you’re not texting too. It's always best to address ‘teething problems’ before they become mountains, and even better to fully discuss these things before opening up. Keep talking! X
 
Are you ok with him sending such a video after the date, or do you not want to share your together-experiences at all?
 
Are you ok with him sending such a video after the date, or do you not want to share your together-experiences at all?

Are you ok with him sending such a video after the date, or do you not want to share your together-experiences at al
Oh yeah I’m totally ok with him sending a video at another time. I’m not trying to control his communication. I think it was just that it was literally right in the moment that we were at the concert.
 
Oh yeah I’m totally ok with him sending a video at another time. I’m not trying to control his communication. I think it was just that it was literally right in the moment that we were at the concert.
He's still in nre, it's natural that he's thinking of his other partner even when he's with you. So not communication with them might actually take quite a bit of self-control.
It was his favourate artist and he was happy, I can see how sharing the event with both of his closest brings him even more joy.

But, as you can see from other posters' comments, it's still a very fair request to make that he focuses on you on your date nights.

One more question, would you feel it equally intrusive, if he was sending the video to a friend? If not, it's actually jealousy. That's ok, just that you know.

Maybe this is a situation where understanding each other is more important than a hard rule. Could be different case-by-case.
 
He's still in nre, it's natural that he's thinking of his other partner even when he's with you. So not communication with them might actually take quite a bit of self-control.
It was his favourate artist and he was happy, I can see how sharing the event with both of his closest brings him even more joy.

But, as you can see from other posters' comments, it's still a very fair request to make that he focuses on you on your date nights.

One more question, would you feel it equally intrusive, if he was sending the video to a friend? If not, it's actually jealousy. That's ok, just that you know.

Maybe this is a situation where understanding each other is more important than a hard rule. Could be different case-by-case.
I personally am someone who stays in the moment when at a concert or enjoying something intimate (also arenas don’t have good WiFi so I’ll just send afterwards), so i wouldn’t be texting anyways. I definitely text my mom after we got in the uber because it’s one of her favorite artist too.

I think it really comes down to i pulled strings to get tickets and surprise him not Chris (i could see if it were a joint present), so it’s like Chris gets to be included in something I wanted to do for my partner. On the flip side i wouldn’t want my husband including me in dates Chris planned because i would want it to be sacred for them both.
 
I personally am someone who stays in the moment when at a concert or enjoying something intimate (also arenas don’t have good WiFi so I’ll just send afterwards), so i wouldn’t be texting anyways. I definitely text my mom after we got in the uber because it’s one of her favorite artist too.

I think it really comes down to i pulled strings to get tickets and surprise him not Chris (i could see if it were a joint present), so it’s like Chris gets to be included in something I wanted to do for my partner. On the flip side i wouldn’t want my husband including me in dates Chris planned because i would want it to be sacred for them both.
See, this is something personal to you. Maybe Chris wouldn't mind you being included, maybe he would. Sides reversed, it's possible your husband wouldn't mind including the metamour. Even if he would (people sometimes don't "get" things until they experience them), it's definitely a common wish for hinges to "connect" as much as possible and not have two separate lives as much as possible. Poly is just not symmetric in this way.

You definitely need to discuss your respective points of view without seeing one as a-priory bad - just personal.
 
Hello Anthony,

It is reasonable and fair for you to ask Alex to not text Chris while Alex is on a date with you. Alex should be willing to make you the focus at those times. Tell Alex that you were hurt by him texting Chris. Explain to Alex that his time with you is sacred. Texting Chris takes away from that and makes it mundane. Alex does not need to understand this, he just needs to respect your feelings.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I tried not to overreact and brought it up later about how it made me feel sad, and my husband couldn’t understand.

How do I get this across to my husband in a way that he can understand?

Would it be faster to skip talking about your feelings and just get on to requesting new behavior ACTIONS? Because even after talking about the feelings you have to get on to the ACTIONS, right? So why not fast forward to that?

You don't seem to mind husband recording the show to share with Chris later on AFTER the date is over. It just bothered you that he was talking to Chris over device DURING the date with you.

So ask husband if he's willing to be PRESENT on dates with you and save sharing about the experience with Chris once the date is over.

And the same the other way around. Ask husband not to talk to you while out on a date with Chris. Share whatever pix or video AFTER the date is over. Even if Chris doesn't mind that behavior? YOU do. So speak up.

Having the device out to take pix or record at a concert is fine. But using the device to talk to other people when it's supposed to be date time with you -- that's something else.

You were texting your mom about it on the Uber ride home -- maybe that would have been the better time for husband to share video with Chris? Since it sounds like the concert date was over by then?

You both are new. It's ok to be figuring stuff out still. But talk it out request new ACTIONS.

Talking with NRE besotted people is sometimes a drag. Both of you could get caught up in "feelings" stuff. It could go round in circles, wear you both out, etc. And the bottom line is what? The actions being done or not done.

So request new BEHAVIORS. Like "Partner, next time we have a date together? Could you please be willing to not text other people during the date? I don't mind you sharing concert pix and video, but could it be on the Uber ride home when the date is actually over or even after that? Just not during the date itself?"

At a later point in time you both might read poly hell and talk about how to minimize dings from that.

If you both date eventually you are going to be the one in NRE and he's going to be the one dealing in it from that angle.

Galagirl
 
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