Need Some Advice

AlexSter

New member
Hi everyone!

I'm new here, I go by Alex. The reason I joined is because, at 39 years old, I have found myself in a unique situation and need some perspective, let me explain before I ask the question.

A few months ago I started my very first polyamorous relationship, I was fully single (not seeing anyone) and I met a married woman who is in an open marriage. I never thought I'd be in this position but as we met and got to know each other more and more we both fell in love. She still loves her husband, of course, but we also love each other and we have gotten to the point where there is no "rank," by that I mean her husband isn't her "main" and I am the "side," we have bonded and have a deep connection. I have also met the husband and he's a pretty cool guy.

Here's the kicker: 18 to 24 months from now she and her husband will be living in Europe 6 to 8 months out of the year, they'll be coming to visit for the rest of the year. I still want to have my "main" to use the term loosely, but she and I want to stay in each other's life. We thought about keeping her marriage and my potential new relationship open but only open between the 4 of us, no one else, meaning "my person" would also be his girlfriend and vice-versa. I hope this makes sense. We would like to have the 4th and treat this as a sort of family, we like the emotional component we have found.

The question, then, becomes: how does one go about finding that 4th? Online dating (before being in this relationship) wasn't a good experience for me so I would rather avoid the apps. Has anyone been in this position?

Any info is highly appreciated.

Regards,

Alex
 

Eponine

Active member
Honestly this is a bad idea and very unlikely to succeed. It's kind of like unicorn hunting (a M/F couple looking for a third woman, requiring her to date both of them). In your case, it's like you and the other guy are a "package deal" - if a woman wants to date one of you, she has to date the other. And what if she dated both of you but decided to break up with only one? Would she have to break up with the other too? I can't see many women willing to accept the deal.

Have you considered dating separately, like the married couple is probably already doing? You can still find a primary partner this way. Then you can introduce her to your current partner and her husband. Maybe they'll hit it off as friends or even more (but don't expect it). Sometimes people do form quads naturally like this, which is much healthier than looking for it on purpose.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Alex,

It sounds like you are thinking about forming a quad configuration, one where you have a girlfriend local to you, your "main" has her husband (in Europe much of the time), and the four of you share each other with each other. (Hopefully that was coherent on my part.)

You really need to get out there, and meet some people IRL. Join a group, class, or club that does something that interests you. Bonus points if it is a fringe activity such as RPG (e.g., D&D), Ren Faire (i.e., SCA), BDSM (kinksters), indie concerts, and so on. Participants in fringe activities are more likely to be open-minded and poly-friendly. However, any group/activity would be suitable as long as you're interested in it, and you're not just there to hit on people. The idea is to set up opportunities to make new platonic friends, and sometime when there's an opening for it in a conversation, you talk about poly, mention that you are poly, and just kind of put a bug in their ear about it. This way there's no "pressure to accept," and if that friendship ever evolves into something romantic, you'll already have had "the poly talk" with them.

If you get super lucky, you may find that there is a local poly group in your area. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city, and see if anything turns up. Obviously a poly group would be the Holy Grail of fringe activities, but with Covid people aren't getting together as much.

Good luck!
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm going to use generic fruit names because I struggle without. (Happy to go with whatever you pick if you want something else.)

It's great this is your first polyship. It's great you all fell in love a few months ago. Not knocking it.

But remember you are still in NRE, and LDR doesn't always pan out. So maybe tread with caution and try to be realistic about it? The first people you poly date? Doesn't automatically mean they last forever.

You sound like you want a polyfi quad "square." Like there is you Alexster, who dates Banana. Who is married to Cantaloupe. And now looking for Durien to be the 4th, who would date you and Cantaloupe. But you don't date Cantaloupe. And Durien doesn't date Banana. So it isn't like a polyfi cross quad square where everyone is dating everyone else. But just the outer square people.

There's a visual aid here.

I think 3 people local triads are difficult enough because that is 3 V's stacked up.

A 4 people local quad is an even taller order with 4 V's stacked up. Then add the LDR stress and I'd be like... "Whoa. Is this even realistic? Or just a recipe for super stress?"

Maybe it's ok to enjoy what you have with Banana while she's still local. And once she goes LDR, expect it to be more like a "comet relationship." One that comes in and out periodically, but you don't base your local life around that relationship.

Or talk it over and treat this as "relationship of a season" and you both know when the time comes, you plan to have a good break up. Nothing wrong with those -- like summer romance that ends at the end of summer. Or dating til college grad, or while stationed somewhere for work. But it ends when people move.

Cantaloupe the husband may have NOTHING in common with Durien and they may have zero interest in each other. So then what? You can't date Durien? If people don't jive with Banana and Cantaloupe, that ends up shrinking your local dating pool? Isn't poly dating already small?

It might be easier to date on your own and figure out an "N" shape.

Where there is

(Cantaloupe + {Banana) + [Alexster} + Durien]

Like only 2 V's stacked up. Where the first V has Banana as the hinge between Cantaloupe and you. That's already sounding ok enough for now while local.

And the other V has you as the hinge between Banana and Durien.

There's enough people in the world. Cantaloupe can go find his own dating people without getting mixed up with yours and creating people overlaps that might become challenging or messy. Reduce the challenges. Isn't LDR challenge enough?

It's on you to figure out what you want in a local partner. And this local partner just has to deal with the fact that you will have an LDR partner in Europe who comes in to visit every 6 months or so. Or you go there. That is more doable than "You have to date me, deal with my other LDR partner in Europe who comes to visit, AND you have to date her husband and do this LDR thing with him half the year."

Not everyone loves dealing in LDR. Just because you are willing to do that, doesn't mean Durien wants deal in LDRs in general or wants to do that with Cantaloupe specifically.

Keep in mind Durien may already also have their own poly network and connections before meeting you too. So if you want to keep this at "no one else" the expectation is that Durien has to divorce/break up with all their existing poly partners before dating you, someone they just met?

So... maybe rethink this plan?

Looking for a poly single with no other partners willing to only date you and Cantaloupe in a "poly family" or "kitchen table poly" arrangement where the married Cantaloupe is gone half the year and most of it will be LDR? That's a lot to ask.

Where "Date Alex and just deal with Alex also doing his poly family V thing with his European cluster" might be a lot easier. Just because 2 V's stacked up is easier to deal with than 4 V's stacked up.

If a quad happens naturally over time, great. But don't go looking for a quad or limit yourself to only that poly relationship shape. And sometimes even if there's attractions it's better to just pass on the quad thing.

It's great you and Banana want to keep going even after she moves to Europe. But if the LDR causes strain... talk about how you want to part peacefully. So it if has to happen, it can go well and not be like a big mess because nobody want to talk about the elephant in the room.

I hope things turn out as you hope. And if not quite the ideal... I hope your first polyship turns out to be a worthwhile experience.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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AlexSter

New member
I'm going to use generic fruit names because I struggle without. (Happy to go with whatever you pick if you want something else.)

It's great this is your first polyship. It's great you all feel in love a few months ago. Not knocking it.

But remember you are still in NRE, and LDR doesn't always pan out. So maybe tread with caution and try to be realistic about it? The first people you poly date? Doesn't automatically mean they last forever.

You sound like you want a polyfi quad "square." Like there is you Alexster, who dates Banana. Who is married to Cantaloupe. And now looking for Durien to be the 4th, who would date you and Cantaloupe. But you don't date Cantaloupe. And Durien doesn't date Banana. So it isn't like a polyfi cross quad square where everyone is dating everyone else. But just the outer square people.

There's a visual aid here.

I think 3 people local triads are difficult enough because that is 3 V's stacked up.

A 4 people local quad is an even taller order with 4 V's stacked up. Then add the LDR stress and I'd be like... "Whoa. Is this even realistic? Or just a recipe for super stress?"

Maybe it's ok to enjoy what you have with Banana while she's still local. And once she goes LDR, expect it to be more like a "comet relationship." One that comes in and out periodically, but you don't base your local life around that relationship.

Or talk it over and treat this as "relationship of a season" and you both know when the time comes, you plan to have a good break up. Nothing wrong with those -- like summer romance that ends at the end of summer. Or dating til college grad, or while stationed somewhere for work. But it ends when people move.

Cantaloupe the husband may have NOTHING in common with Durien and they may have zero interest in each other. So then what? You can't date Durien? If people don't jive with Banana and Cantaloupe, that ends up shrinking your local dating pool? Isn't poly dating already small?

It might be easier to date on your own and figure out an "N" shape.

Where there is

(Cantaloupe + {Banana) + [Alexster} + Durien]

Like only 2 V's stacked up. Where the first V has Banana as the hinge between Cantaloupe and you. That's already sounding ok enough for now while local.

And the other V has you as the hinge between Banana and Durien.

There's enough people in the world. Cantaloupe can go find his own dating people without getting mixed up with yours and creating people overlaps that might become challenging or messy. Reduce the challenges. Isn't LDR challenge enough?

It's on you to figure out what you want in a local partner. And this local partner just has to deal with the fact that you will have an LDR partner in Europe who comes in to visit every 6 months or so. Or you go there. That is more doable than "You have to date me, deal with my other LDR partner in Europe who comes to visit, AND you have to date her husband and do this LDR thing with him half the year."

Not everyone loves dealing in LDR. Just because you are willing to do that, doesn't mean Durien wants deal in LDRs in general or wants to do that with Cantaloupe specifically.

Keep in mind Durien may already also have their own poly network and connections before meeting you too. So if you want to keep this at "no one else" the expectation is that Durien has to divorce/break up with all their existing poly partners before dating you, someone they just met?

So... maybe rethink this plan?

Looking for a poly single with no other partners willing to only date you and Cantaloupe in a "poly family" or "kitchen table poly" arrangement where the married Cantaloupe is gone half the year and most of it will be LDR? That's a lot to ask.

Where "Date Alex and just deal with Alex also doing his poly family V thing with his European cluster" might be a lot easier. Just because 2 V's stacked up is easier to deal with than 4 V's stacked up.

If a quad happens naturally over time, great. But don't go looking for a quad or limit yourself to only that poly relationship shape. And sometimes even if there's attractions it's better to just pass on the quad thing.

It's great you and Banana want to keep going even after she moves to Europe. But if the LDR causes strain... talk about how you want to part peacefully. So it if has to happen, it can go well and not be like a big mess because nobody want to talk about the elephant in the room.

I hope things turn out as you hope. And if not quite the ideal... I hope your first polyship turns out to be a worthwhile experience.

GL!
Galagirl
Galagirl, thank you for your response, sounds like I have to man up and face facts. I really thank you for taking the time.
 
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