Need some help from a monogamous point of view.

[vrmm]

My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me and since the beginning she didn't make it clear she was polyamorous but she was saying she doesn't think she can do monogamy. I love this girl in ways I never thought I could love anyone before. It was the only relationship where I felt 100% myself, I did things no one on earth have seen me do and acted goofier than I've ever been in any relationships. Unfortunately I think our views differed a little bit in monogamous vs polyamorous relationships. I just didn't fully understand.

We had the usual relationship issues that could have been fixed with some more communication. Mostly things that both individuals could work on like communicate more, speak more kindly, etc. Nothing that changes the person from being themselves but more so being a better person.

I've been doing a lot of reading about polyamory and I can understand but still not quite grasp if it's my thing but I can support it. She ended up cheating on me with numerous people and there's no excuse for that as that's still hurtful and very dishonest. However I do understand how she might've viewed it in her mind now that I better understand it. My question is I don't want her to feel like what and how she feels is wrong in any way, I don't judge people for being gay/bi and I see this the same way. We're broken up now and I'm surprisingly handling it pretty well, at first I was going through the emotions and it hurts because this person I love dearly is not in my life anymore. I miss her terribly but that's besides the point.

I would like to talk to her about understanding where she's coming from and I don't want her to think I hate her for cheating on me. Although it hurt, I understand. She's a great person, I want her to be happy and I love her as a person even though she's not with me. I can't help but still care for her even if I'm not in the picture. Would it be ok for me to talk to her about this? Mostly just to let her know I understand and that although I'm hurt by her lying and doing things behind my back, I understand her dilemma. I want to tell her don't be afraid to see me as a friend and call me if she needs anything. (A shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, or just being there) She was and still is my best friend if she wants.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened.

But I don't know what to say because I think it is best if you DON'T talk to her.

She ended up cheating on me with numerous people and there's no excuse for that as that's still hurtful and very dishonest.

I don't think that's a healthy person to hang around with at this time. It's ok to care about her still. Just maybe not up close so you don't get dinged again.

Mostly just to let her know I understand and that although I'm hurt by her lying and doing things behind my back, I understand her dilemma.

What is the dilemma?

My question is I don't want her to feel like what and how she feels is wrong in any way

Why not? I think it is ok for a person to feel crap after cheating on people. Feeling yucky is one of the ways people figure out how to make better choices and handle themselves differently next time. Why are you not ok with her having natural consequences to her choices?

I miss her terribly but that's besides the point.

I don't think it is beside the point. I think it might be the crux of it. I wonder if you might still be in the bargaining stages of grief? And trying to keep her around even though you are exes now because you miss her badly?

I could understand that. But don't let your soft feelings for her lead to you new dings. You have to be able to say "I love you lots. But not even for you will I do stuff/stay in stuff that hurts me."

I want to tell her don't be afraid to see me as a friend and call me if she needs anything. (A shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, or just being there) She was and still is my best friend if she wants.

The best friend you have is someone who cheats on you and treats you poorly? What other kinds of relationships do you have that this one is the best of the lot?

Could making new friends be better for your well being?

Wanting to be her best friend and available to her for anything... that sounds too up close to me right now.

I'd let more time go by first before you even try to be exes and friends with her. If she's still treating people poorly? Maybe you want to skip it and be just exes?

I guess I'm saying to give YOU more time to heal from the break up first before your try new relationship models with this person if at all.

Galagirl

 

[vrmm]

I'm sorry this happened.

But I don't know what to say because I think it is best if you DON'T talk to her.



What is the dilemma?

"Polyamory" isn't the whitewash for cheating.

I miss her terribly but that's besides the point.

I don't think it is beside the point. I think you might still be in the bargaining stages of grief. Trying to keep her around even though you are exes now because you miss her.



The best friend you have is someone who cheats on you and treats you poorly? What other kinds of relationships do you have that this one is the best of the lot?

Could making new friends be better for your well being?



I don't think that's a healthy person to hang around with at this time. It's ok to care about her still. Just maybe not up close so you don't get dinged again.

Wanting to be her best friend and available to her for anything... that sounds too up close to me right now.

I'd let more time go by first before you even try to be exes and friends with her. If she's still treating people poorly? Maybe you want to skip it and be just exes?

I guess I'm saying to give YOU more time to heal from the break up first before your try new relationship models with this person if at all.

Galagirl

I see where you're coming from and you're right. I know one of the biggest reasons polyamory works is because of really good communication and yes there was a lack of it especially with cheating behind my back part. I just thought maybe she wants to be polyamorous but was forced to be monogamous and so she viewed and felt like it was normal because that's how her mind works - on a polyamorous level.

She would always tell me how much she likes it when girls try to hit on me with her there. Or when girls give me the eyes in front of her. I know I can't tell my girlfriend that I like it when guys give her the eyes like that but to her, she enjoys it and so my thinking was that she must think she's not doing anything wrong because she wouldn't have a problem if I did something with a girl (not cheating of course) if she knew.

 

[vrmm]

I don't think that's a healthy person to hang around with at this time. It's ok to care about her still. Just maybe not up close so you don't get dinged again.

Yes I meant to just have some words and let her be my ex, not be friends and hang out or talk but don't hesitate if you desperately need someone to talk about a problem.

What is the dilemma?

The dilemma is her feeling poly but in a monogamous relationship, she feels a certain way but can't act on it because of the monogamy. Again, not saying it's right, just saying she had tough choices.

Why not? I think it is ok for a person to feel crap after cheating on people. Feeling yucky is one of the ways people figure out how to make better choices and handle themselves differently next time. Why are you not ok with her having natural consequences to her choices?

You're right, I should let her process it but I'm not going to say she shouldn't feel bad for it but more so I get why she said she doesn't think she can be monogamous.

I don't think it is beside the point. I think it might be the crux of it. I wonder if you might still be in the bargaining stages of grief? And trying to keep her around even though you are exes now because you miss her badly?

I could understand that. But don't let your soft feelings for her lead to you new dings. You have to be able to say "I love you lots. But not even for you will I do stuff/stay in stuff that hurts me."

Maybe I shouldn't have put this in, I meant that as in I miss her but I do not want her around. In no way am I expecting her to jump back into my arms.

The best friend you have is someone who cheats on you and treats you poorly? What other kinds of relationships do you have that this one is the best of the lot?

Could making new friends be better for your well being?

Wanting to be her best friend and available to her for anything... that sounds too up close to me right now.

I'd let more time go by first before you even try to be exes and friends with her. If she's still treating people poorly? Maybe you want to skip it and be just exes?

I guess I'm saying to give YOU more time to heal from the break up first before your try new relationship models with this person if at all.

Galagirl

I have friends and best friends so I'm not saying she's my only friend or my only best friend but more so that she is a person who I know is great deep down. Just made bad choices out of her desires and views.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info. I don't really have anything else to add though. At the end of the day, poly or not? Your GF was cheating on you with several people.

"Polyamory" is not the whitewash for cheating. It's not like it's magic. People can cheat on their poly agreements too.

I think it would be best for you not to engage her in more conversation at this time. Do your own healing. Much later down when you can assess if she's changed her ways or not? Decide THEN if you want to be (exes and friends).

For now just (exes) is enough. And since you broke up? Don't really have to talk. It is ok to skip it.

If it helps YOU let it go? This is about YOUR need rather than what she needs? It's ok to quick text or quick email "Look, we broke up. I'm not starting anything here. Just wanted to tell you no hard feelings and that I wish you well" and then bow out and not interact any more for a good long while. If that helps you give yourself closure? That's a quick text or email and you are DONE.

If you do that? Then I encourage you to really be done and be apart for a while. Not keep on being available.

Don't rush into trying to be (good exes and friends.) It's ok to take a pause and just not talk. Spend some time being (just exes) for a while.

The dilemma is her feeling poly but in a monogamous relationship, she feels a certain way but can't act on it because of the monogamy. Again, not saying it's right, just saying she had tough choices.

That's my point. It was her choice to make those monogamous agreements with you.

Even monogamous people who eventually might want to pick one person? They don't HAVE to instantly "go steady" with someone and make a bunch of promises. It's ok for them to date several people and figure out compatibilities first. Play the field a bit.

If she got herself into an exclusive thing with you where she did make promises? While feeling poly inside? The solution is not to cheat on you / the agreements. The solution is to say "I cannot keep these agreements any more. I have realized I am not monogamous. I'm sorry." Either renegotiate agreements so they are keepable. Or end it. But either way? Square up with you first, and then move on to seeing whoever it is she wants to see.

She chose not to do that. She chose to cheat instead.

So I'm not seeing the "forced" thing.

Yes I meant to just have some words and let her be my ex, not be friends and hang out or talk but don't hesitate if you desperately need someone to talk about a problem.

Why?

You don't have to be her rescuer or her sounding board for her future problems. Not your responsibility.

If later she desperately has a problem? She has OTHER options. Can call 911, see her doctor, call a relative or friend, etc.

It doesn't have to be you. You are not obligated.

I have friends and best friends so I'm not saying she's my only friend or my only best friend but more so that she is a person who I know is great deep down. Just made bad choices out of her desires and views.

It is ok for her to do her personal work to bring the great person out herself. You don't have to aid her in that work, esp since you are the recent ex who got cheated on several times.

If it turns out she NOT gonna do that personal work? She's gonna keep on behaving poorly? Then you are not in the line of fire.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

The thing is she DID do something wrong, at least the way you are telling it. If she couldn't handle being monogamous she should have resolved the relationship with you before seeing other people.

At any rate, I recommend waiting a few months before attempting to talk to her. That way you both have had some time away from each other to cope with the break-up.

 

[vrmm]

Thank you for all your answers, I appreciate it. I won't talk to her now but if she calls me in the future to talk about it, which she might, is my thought process correct? I've read there was quite a few people who cheated or tried hard not to cheat during their transition from monogamy to polyamory. I'm not saying cheating is polyamory because that wouldn't be based on trust and communication but can this be one of the reasons?

In the end, you're both right that I will just forget about it.

 

[vinsanity0]

I've always seen it as more of a justification than a reason. Polyamory does not cause someone to lose control of themselves.

 

[GalaGirl]

I won't talk to her now but if she calls me in the future to talk about it, which she might, is my thought process correct?

If she calls you, you can choose not to even answer the phone. Or you can block it now.

Or you can choose to answer and if she asks? You can say "I'm not the best person to talk to about this. Please don't call about that again. Thank you." And hang up.

Again... YOU are not obligated to help her process her stuff. You are not a free therapist.

I've read there was quite a few people who cheated or tried hard not to cheat during their transition from monogamy to polyamory. I'm not saying cheating is polyamory because that wouldn't be based on trust and communication but can this be one of the reasons?

I don't understand that statement. Are you saying....

"Is one of the reasons that people cheat on their monogamous relationship agreements because they didn't figure out they were polyamorous until later?"

If so, it's not about their emerging poly-ness to me. That might be why the previous monogamous agreements start to pinch. They realize this is not the right relationship shape for them.

But the agreement keeping part of it? It's about how they choose to handle themselves and their choices. They can choose to handle themselves forthrightly. Or not. Sometimes one outgrows things in life. Including agreements. So one can ask to renegotiate. Or one can end the relationship if it is no longer compatible. They can choose to handle it in a CLEAN way that is respectful to all parties. Rather than choose to handle the pinch by cheating on agreements. Sometimes they tell themselves stories like "I won't think about that now" or "I'll deal with it later" or "what they don't know won't hurt them" or "I'll never get a chance like this again!" whatever.

But to me? Cheating on agreements is basically promising they will do one thing but then doing another because keeping the agreement became inconvenient or uncomfortable. Cheating on their Word is NOT a foundation for trust. Because it's easy just NOT to make any agreements in the first place. They can do what they want and no agreements are broken.

Integrity is when one's "talk" and their "walk" match consistently. They say they will do something, and then they really do it. They have and keep their Word.

If someone says to me "Hey. This agreement? It pinches me now. I regret to inform you that I can no longer keep it as is. I need to renegotiate different agreements. Or if it is a deal breaker then we need to disband peacefully. I don't want to cheat on my Word." I can respect that, and I am being treated decently. I'm being given a heads up. I'm being given a chance to update agreements. Or a chance to part ways peacefully. All decent things.

If someone cheats? They are not taking personal responsibility for their choices, they are not keeping their Word, and they treating me poorly by breaking agreements and keeping me in the dark.

Besides, there's no magic in polyamory. People can (and have) cheated on their poly agreements too.

I think the ability to make and keep agreements well has more to do with the person's character than whatever relationship shape they are in.

I mean, single people can make and keep agreements about all sorts of things, right? Borrow money and promise to pay you back and make good on that. Borrow the car and promise to return it with full tank of gas and make good on that. Agreement making is not only the purview of monogamous people or polyamorous people. That's why I say it has more to do with the character of the person -- if they are trustworthy and demonstrate integrity.

You sound like you are doing the "Why? Why?" part of your grieving/healing post break up. Is that true?

Galagirl

 

[vrmm]

"Is one of the reasons that people cheat on their monogamous relationship agreements because they didn't figure out they were polyamorous until later?"

If so, it's not about their emerging poly-ness to me. That might be why the previous monogamous agreements start to pinch. They realize this is not the right relationship shape for them.

But the agreement keeping part of it? It's about how they choose to handle themselves and their choices. They can choose to handle themselves forthrightly. Or not. Sometimes one outgrows things in life. Including agreements. So one can ask to renegotiate. Or one can end the relationship if it is no longer compatible. They can choose to handle it in a CLEAN way that is respectful to all parties. Rather than choose to handle the pinch by cheating on agreements. Sometimes they tell themselves stories like "I won't think about that now" or "I'll deal with it later" or "what they don't know won't hurt them" or "I'll never get a chance like this again!" whatever.

But to me? Cheating on agreements is basically promising they will do one thing but then doing another because keeping the agreement became inconvenient or uncomfortable. Cheating on their Word is NOT a foundation for trust. Because it's easy just NOT to make any agreements in the first place. They can do what they want and no agreements are broken.

Integrity is when one's "talk" and their "walk" match consistently. They say they will do something, and then they really do it. They have and keep their Word.

If someone says to me "Hey. This agreement? It pinches me now. I regret to inform you that I can no longer keep it as is. I need to renegotiate different agreements. Or if it is a deal breaker then we need to disband peacefully. I don't want to cheat on my Word." I can respect that, and I am being treated decently. I'm being given a heads up. I'm being given a chance to update agreements. Or a chance to part ways peacefully. All decent things.

If someone cheats? They are not taking personal responsibility for their choices, they are not keeping their Word, and they treating me poorly by breaking agreements and keeping me in the dark.

Besides, there's no magic in polyamory. People can (and have) cheated on their poly agreements too.

I think the ability to make and keep agreements well has more to do with the person's character than whatever relationship shape they are in.

I mean, single people can make and keep agreements about all sorts of things, right? Borrow money and promise to pay you back and make good on that. Borrow the car and promise to return it with full tank of gas and make good on that. Agreement making is not only the purview of monogamous people or polyamorous people. That's why I say it has more to do with the character of the person -- if they are trustworthy and demonstrate integrity.

You sound like you are doing the "Why? Why?" part of your grieving/healing post break up. Is that true?

Galagirl

I understand much more what you're trying to explain to me. Are you saying why why as in why is this happening? Or why why as in I'm asking why this and why that? I'm more on the why this and why that, seeing where I may be able to improve not for anyone but improve for my next relationship and make sure I don't make the same universal mistakes. I was trying to understand polyamory but needed a lot of clarification so I came here. But like you said, this isn't polyamory, she may be interested in it but this is a big character thing and if this is the case I don't see it working in polyamory or monogamy but something that she has to change.

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome vrmm. I am sorry about your breakup. But it seems it's for the best.

So you wanted to be monogamous with your gf. You didn't like when other guys gave her the eye, so I reckon you weren't OK with her actually seeing/dating/fucking other guys.

And she knew you wanted to be mono, and she told you she was trying to be mono, but then she cheated again and again, and somehow you found out?

Sounds to me like she needs to find a boyfriend or boyfriends who are also polyamorous or polysexual, or are at least open to her being poly.

And you leave her alone to pursue her dreams.

Now, what about YOU? Are you definitely monogamous, and just wanting to learn about how some people do polyamory in an ethical way? Good ethics and honesty is paramount in polyamory. As is good communication, fair scheduling, and safer sex. Also, most poly people learn to let go of jealousy, and envy, and learn compersion, that is: happiness when their partner or partners are happy with someone else.

There are mono people who are fine with their partner being poly. Sometimes a mono will feel most secure if their poly partner only has them and one other steady long term partner. The mono can get uneasy if their poly partner is actively dating and looking for someone new. But even this issue can be worked through.

If you read around this site, the Relationships section, and the Blog section, you will see the struggles ethical poly people go through to deal fairly with their own desires and fears, and the needs and issues of their partners.

Another good site is morethantwo.com. It's not a discussion board, but a regular searchable website, kind of Polyamory 101.

I appreciate a mono who is interested in learning more about this new love style called polyamory.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm more on the why this and why that, seeing where I may be able to improve not for anyone but improve for my next relationship and make sure I don't make the same universal mistakes.

Yes. I meant "why this and that."

I think where you could improve for the next time is in your breaking up skills. It's ok to tell the person who hurt you that you aren't carrying hard feelings or a grudge. Who wants to hang on to negative feelings like that longer than necessary?

I don't think it is a good idea to tell someone who has cheated on agreements/you repeatedly with several people that they can still call you for help if they get desperate. Gotta draw the line somewhere! You aren't a doormat. Be ok disentangling yourself.

If they turn over a new leaf later on? Decide later on if you want to take up with the "new" them at THAT point in time. So you can see they really DID change.

Otherwise maintain a healthy distance and healthy caution about "same old song, different day." You can care about them still. Just not up close. Because their behaviors have dinged you before, and you don't want to get dinged again.

Maintain some healthy boundaries.

When ready to date again? You could also be clear with a new dating potential what you are up for and are not up for up front. It may be that you are ok with other people practicing poly. It's just not your thing because you like monogamy.

When it comes time to make agreements in the dating relationship? Might also say outright that if any agreements pinch later on, you expect to be notified that the agreements need to change or given chance to disband peacefully. Articulate your expectations for how you want to be treated. Not assume the other person works like you do or automatically knows your preferences.

They might find it odd you do that, but given your dating history? Fair enough and understandable.

I was trying to understand polyamory.

Learning about things is admirable. Even if they are not something you want to do yourself. It helps you understand where others are coming from.

Maybe links could help?

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

​

And non-examples:

https://www.morethantwo.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf

http://www.polyamory.co.za/topics/how_to_mess_up.html

https://haveyourcakeandyourgirlfrie...1/how-to-fuck-up-polyamory-a-beginners-guide/​

But like you said, this isn't polyamory, she may be interested in it but this is a big character thing and if this is the case I don't see it working in polyamory or monogamy but something that she has to change.

Yup. And you cannot do that work FOR her. She has to do her own personal work.

On your end? Let people do their own work. Know what is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility. Not be so eager to offer help when none has been asked for. And be ok (when asked) actually pausing to think if you are willing and able or if this request is a "no, thanks" for you. Cuz sometimes people will ask for stuff that is just being fresh.

Could be more detached. Detachment in this sense doesn't mean that you don't care about them at all and are all aloof. It means every person carries their OWN baggage. And if they carry too much? They can learn to unpack and travel more lightly. It doesn't mean them just fobbing their stuff on to you and you have to carry double load.

They actually have to stop to ask if you are WILLING and ABLE to help carry. Not just assume.

It's ok to leave the bag they fobbed at you right there on the floor. You are not obligated to carry it around.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[vrmm]

Thank you for all your replies, polyamory isn't for me and I know it. I love spending time even if it's everyday with my partner. Knowing the kind of person I am, I would not feel comfortable however I understand why a person may choose it. When I go through tough times I want to understand from other perspectives, it allows me to really grasp the situation.

I know I'm not to blame and this is just who she is but I can't help but feel like I've been a bad boyfriend. I get too hurt emotionally, jealous at times although minor (I don't care where she goes as long as I know and that slowly evolved into me not caring even if she didn't tell me because my trust for her formed even more over time), moody at times, and sometimes just lashing at minor annoyances. Regardless, I don't think it would've changed the situation but it would've just prolonged the inevitable.

My previous relationship ended the exact same way so when I went into this one I made sure she knew what kind of scars I had. There was a lot of trust that had to be built for me and it was difficult but I feel like there was also a big lack of effort from her side. I wished she would've communicated with me about problems, confront me if I'm doing something she doesn't like instead of taking it and staying quiet to avoid confrontation.

Sorry just ranting and processing, trying to better myself as a human.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sorry just ranting and processing, trying to better myself as a human.

Fair enough.

There was a lot of trust that had to be built for me and it was difficult but I feel like there was also a big lack of effort from her side.

May sound persnickety. But could stop using "feel" for that.

You "think" your thoughts. You "feel" your emotions. Noticing she's not holding up her end? You "observed" or "experienced" her not putting in effort. It was not an emotion you "feel."

Because if you use "feel" for everything? You are not going to keep things straight and maybe add to your own confusion/upset.

You are not your thoughts or feelings or what happens to you in life.

You are a person who thinks some thoughts. A person who feels some emotions. And a person observes/experiences things happening in life.

Blue is mine.

I know I'm not to blame and this is just who she is but I can't help but feel THINK like I've been a bad boyfriend. (Because) I get too hurt emotionally, jealous at times although minor.... moody at times, and sometimes just lashing at minor annoyances.

"I feel yucky emotions right now" is NOT the same as "I am a bad person." Some feelings are fun to feel. (Happy, excited, etc). Some are not so fun (sad, mad, scared, etc).

Don't blame yourself for perfectly reasonable feelings/responses/reaction to cheating.

If you FEEL you are a bad BF -- you cannot change anything because feelings just bubble up when they do.

If you THINK you have been a bad BF, you can review your behavior. Were you?

If after being cheated on in previous relationship? You can struggle with trust, sometimes struggle with moodiness, feel anxious/jealous when entering a new relationship thing. Because you don't know the new person all that well yet. Just like people who were in a car accident are gonna be jittery for a while after when they get into cars. It is reasonable enough.

Then this GF also cheats? You are gonna feel a bunch of things around that too.

I wished she would've communicated with me about problems, confront me if I'm doing something she doesn't like instead of taking it and staying quiet to avoid confrontation.

Dealing with that is going to feel frustrating.

When you review your behavior and feelings and see it is reasonable enough reaction/response? Then you can change your mind and think "No, I wasn't a bad person. I felt things anyone would feel in these shoes."

I'm not reading that you did any behavior that was over the top. I wonder if you've been told "you are too sensitive" in the past or something?

My previous relationship ended the exact same way so when I went into this one I made sure she knew what kind of scars I had. There was a lot of trust that had to be built for me and it was difficult but I feel like there was also a big lack of effort from her side.

So don't open up so fast. And don't be telling people your scars so early. Because for some user-y personalities? That's just giving them the map for how to push your buttons.

I wished she would've communicated with me about problems, confront me if I'm doing something she doesn't like instead of taking it and staying quiet to avoid confrontation.

Could be something you ask the next potential. "How do you like to handle problems? Or conflict resolution?"

Because if they end up being another conflict avoidant type and you are tired of dealing with that and/or frustrated by that style of going?

You can stop seeing them before it gets too deep. Not compatible.

Galagirl

 

[vrmm]

If after being cheated on in previous relationship? You can struggle with trust, sometimes struggle with moodiness, feel anxious/jealous when entering a new relationship thing. Because you don't know the new person all that well yet. Just like people who


Dealing with that is going to feel frustrating.

When you review your behavior and feelings and see it is reasonable enough reaction/response? Then you can change your mind and think "No, I wasn't a bad person. I felt things anyone would feel in these shoes."

I'm not reading that you did any behavior that was over the top. I wonder if you've been told "you are too sensitive" in the past or something?

Galagirl

I've always been told by her everything I feel is valid which I appreciate for her understanding. It's not so much that someone has told me I'm sensitive but I've be told sometimes I can be insensitive. I grew up in a household where we didn't hug or talk much about feelings or show affection so I can see where that may come from. My biggest issue is that sometimes I may say things that are worded incorrectly and it sound harsh but not what I meant. This hurt her in a way I didn't want to and I need to think about what I'm saying longer before saying it. Again, nothing a serious talk wouldn't have fixed.

I got annoyed at small things:

could be her coming home late drunk,
could be because she forgot something,
could be her just being whiny which is usually fine to an extent, could be that she hasn't invited me out in a while with her friends (sometimes I want to be included too and I know these are my insecurities),
could be just her spending a lot of time with coworkers constantly and that really digs into my trust issues. And this was a valid concern since what happened stemmed directly from this. I didn't feel secure in that situation and even broke down at home one day, she came home and saw me visibly hurt and talked to me. I told her about my insecurities of what I felt in the previously relationship that was true and how the situation with her felt exactly the same. She assured me that wasn't the case but looking back at it now, it was.

I know this thread veered off from what it was originally but I want you to know I appreciate you well put and thought out responses. They've helped me much more then you'd know.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some.

It's not so much that someone has told me I'm sensitive but I've be told sometimes I can be insensitive.

Same thing to me. You can review that feedback and decide if holds true or not. Because some people want "mind reader - ing" and you just aren't gonna ever be sensitive enough for them.

FWIW, I think it is natural after a break up to "review" things in your head. It's ok to want to improve yourself.

My biggest issue is that sometimes I may say things that are worded incorrectly and it sound harsh but not what I meant. This hurt her in a way I didn't want to and I need to think about what I'm saying longer before saying it. Again, nothing a serious talk wouldn't have fixed.

Could think about what/how to say things.

Could also ask "Ok. Could you please repeat that back to me in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it? I want to prevent any misunderstandings."

You cannot be perfect. If someone feels hurt by something you said? Maybe it was an accident -- they can speak up in the moment. If they don't? Well, how can you know to change anything?

FWIW, some of the stuff you list is not small to me.

Coming home drunk and late? Esp if chronic? That's a problem. People can hurt others or get hurt themselves driving drunk and whatnot.

So is cheating with a coworker when she knows your previous partner did same. (I get the vibe that is what you were alluding to.)

I don't know why you call it "small things" when it isn't. Some of those might be deal breakers.

Galagirl

 

[vrmm]

Glad it helps you some.

Same thing to me. You can review that feedback and decide if holds true or not. Because some people want "mind reader - ing" and you just aren't gonna ever be sensitive enough for them.

FWIW, I think it is natural after a break up to "review" things in your head. It's ok to want to improve yourself.

Galagirl

Yes, I'd like to be better in this part. I'm afraid it's not something I can expect a person to confront me in the moment with because some people just can't. So I will be more aware of this, it's never my intent to be harmful just sometimes I FEEL a certain way and have a knee jerk reaction to it by responding without thinking. I need to THINK about it more before speaking out.

You cannot be perfect. If someone feels hurt by something you said? Maybe it was an accident -- they can speak up in the moment. If they don't? Well, how can you know to change anything?

Yes, I've asked her to confront me. I don't mind being called out, if I get called out then I get hurt and think about it. I think it's a great thing if I'm hurt and affected by that.

FWIW, some of the stuff you list is not small to me.

Coming home drunk and late? Esp if chronic? That's a problem. People can hurt others or get hurt themselves driving drunk and whatnot.

So is cheating with a coworker when she knows your previous partner did same. (I get the vibe that is what you were alluding to.)

I don't know why you call it "small things" when it isn't. Some of those might be deal breakers.

Drunk but safe getting home, Lyft services help a lot.

It was just difficult because the mind just run by really unhealthy thoughts sometimes and I think that was the majority of why I felt a certain way when she was out late or always having coworker time. I am not a person who stops another person from doing what they want because they'll end up finding a way of doing it anyways. I just have a hard time figuring out my feelings and thoughts on this area. Why did I sometimes feel jealous when she was out? When we went out, I just wanted to spend time with her but she told me she want to be free to do what she wanted, which I understood but sometimes this bothered me? I still am unsure why.

Yes coworker situation, same as my previous relationship. This time around it'll be even more difficult for my next relationship.

I was calling it small things because I felt like it was my jealousy that got the best of me in those situations. I want to keep it under control but sometimes it just doesn't feel right.

 

[GalaGirl]

You just said why. You wanted to spend time together. It wasn't happening.

What ensues? Feeling frustrated and envious of the other people who DID have her time, energy, attention.

• When she goes out on her own? She can do what she wants. Fair enough.
• When she's often out late? Little time to spend together before sleep that is spur of the moment. So spending time together has to be scheduled.
• When she's often having coworker time... when is there time on the calendar to spend with you?

So you get excited about making a date to FINALLY spend time together.

When we went out, I just wanted to spend time with her but she told me she want to be free to do what she wanted, which I understood but sometimes this bothered me? I still am unsure why.

You guys go out together and then she's not PRESENT on the date. Tells you she wants to do what she wants.

That would bother me. I would NOT "understand." I'd feel annoyed that MY time is being wasted now. Don't agree to go on a date with me if you don't really want to be there spending time with me. Just skip it and say NO. Why go through the motions?

Not that you have to be joined at the hip as a couple. But if "relationship" suggests relating back and forth... How are you going to do that with someone who is not there?

I don't get the "trying to control jealousy." It's ok to express your upset. Just do it appropriately.

Galagirl

 

[vrmm]

You guys go out together and then she's not PRESENT on the date. Tells you she wants to do what she wants.

That would bother me. I would NOT "understand." I'd feel annoyed that MY time is being wasted now. Don't agree to go on a date with me if you don't really want to be there spending time with me. Just skip it and say NO. Why go through the motions?

Not that you have to be joined at the hip as a couple. But if "relationship" suggests relating back and forth... How are you going to do that with someone who is not there?

I don't get the "trying to control jealousy." It's ok to express your upset. Just do it appropriately.

Galagirl

I should've mention I mean that as in a group setting. On dates we were fine.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for clarifying.

Even in a group date/gathering you might like SOME of your partner's time. And if they not going to share any with you... why go to those gatherings?

Something to consider in future dating... the amount of time shared you need to feel good participating in the relationship. Because some people want a lot of togetherness. Some want a lot of independence. Neither is wrong.

If people have too big a gap in styles to bridge? Not gonna get along very well though.

Galagirl