Needing advice-- double standard

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Gingersnaps78

New member
So here’s the situation. I met someone (let’s call them Sam to ease confusion) three years ago, while I was still married (let’s call them Lee). Sam was also married, and had a relationship with someone else, as well. We both considered ourselves poly when we met. Within the three years, Sam decided to divorce their nesting partner, and subsequently moved out. Since moving out, Sam has felt that they don’t have time to date others because they have made me their priority. They have suggested that the only way for them to date anyone else is to de-escalate our relationship.

I am also in the process of a divorce, but an amicable one, and have simply moved into the basement.

I have tried dating within the past three years and Sam has expressed extreme jealousy whenever I’ve met someone. Over the past three years, Sam has been working on their jealousy. I have since met other people.

The trouble that I’m having, and what’s been bothering me, is that I feel that Sam does not want me to have other relationships. Sam has gone so far as to say that I am being unethical in pursuing any kind of relationships while they are feeling like they are not able to. I have always been open to them pursuing other relationships, but they are insisting that they don’t have time for them. I don’t know what to make of all this, but I have a lot of feelings around it.
 
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It sounds like Sam was only "poly" when they were in the process of leaving their incompatible spouse. Now that they have you hooked, they resent your autonomy and want to be possessive and keep you all to themselves. It seems somehow they are "too busy" to date others (whatever that means) and so they want to become monogamous now and are also demanding that you become monogamous.

If you don't want to be monogamous, assert and protect this boundary. From here, it sounds like you are not long-term compatible with Sam. And it sounds like they were never truly poly to begin with.

Your choices are:
To not be true to yourself and become mono as Sam demands
To de-escalate the relationship with Sam (whatever that means) and remain poly yourself
To break up and remain poly yourself
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

The trouble that I’m having, and what’s been bothering me, is that I feel that Sam does not want me to have other relationships. Sam has gone so far as to say that I am being unethical in pursuing any kind of relationships while they are feeling like they are not able to.
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Measured against whose personal ethics? To me, both of you have the option to date other people, so both of you could. Just because their other dating life isn't going how they want is not a reason for you to do anything different in your other dating life. It's not a race, competition, or contest.

If they want to deescalate, well, you either are okay with that, or you suggest breaking up. You can't MAKE them invest more than they want to in this relationship.

I have always been open to them pursuing other relationships, but they are insisting that they don’t have time for them. I don’t know what to make of all this, but I have a lot of feelings around it.
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It sounds like you feel annoyed that they are putting the management of their feelings on you rather than doing it themselves. Is that true?

I wonder if they're actually poly, or were just using poly as a "soft exit" out of their marriage. Like, Sam was lining up the new person before dumping the old person, and their expectation was that you'd do same, and then you and Sam would be with just each other. Only it turned out you are actually poly and have no desire to close or practice monogamy. Could that be true?

Galagirl
 
Magdlyn said:
It sounds like Sam was only "poly" when they were in the process of leaving their incompatible spouse. Now that they have you hooked, they resent your autonomy and want to be possessive and keep you all to themselves. It seems somehow they are "too busy" to date others (whatever that means) and so they want to become monogamous now and are also demanding that you become monogamous.

If you don't want to be monogamous, assert and protect this boundary. From here, it sounds like you are not long-term compatible with Sam. And it sounds like they were never truly poly to begin with.

Your choices are:
To not be true to yourself and become mono as Sam demands
To de-escalate the relationship with Sam (whatever that means) and remain poly yourself
To break up and remain poly yourself
Click to expand...
De-escalating was an option given. I’m just confused as to why we have to de-escalate.

In all honesty, I do feel that Sam has been driving the relationship to where it is now. I was perfectly happy to date casually, but this person fell in love with me quickly. At least that’s what they say. After a few years, it’s hard not to fall in love with someone that you’re involved with. But I don’t feel that being in love with someone means you have to be monogamous either, or de-escalate to date other people. As far as I understand, you can still have multiple partners, be in love with all of them, maybe one of them is your nesting partner, maybe the others are not. As long as you are all being open and honest with each other, that is poly.
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you struggle.



Measured against whose personal ethics? To me, both of you have the option to date other people, so both of you could. Just because their other dating life isn't going how they want is not a reason for you to do anything different in your other dating life. It's not a race, competition, or contest.

If they want to deescalate, well, you either are okay with that, or you suggest breaking up. You can't MAKE them invest more than they want to in this relationship.



It sounds like you feel annoyed that they are putting the management of their feelings on you rather than doing it themselves. Is that true?

I wonder if they're actually poly, or were just using poly as a "soft exit" out of their marriage. Like, Sam was lining up the new person before dumping the old person, and their expectation was that you'd do same, and then you and Sam would be with just each other. Only it turned out you are actually poly and have no desire to close or practice monogamy. Could that be true?

Galagirl
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If they want to de-escalate, that’s fine. I would feel hurt, but if that is what they need, then I would accept it. I don’t demand all of their time. I have days where I can’t see them either and I had suggested that on those days they could go and date someone else, since our days are planned ahead of time.

I just feel extremely hurt by all of this, especially by being told that I’m being unethical by considering dating other people. I am talking to a couple of other people right now, and I to plan to pursue them. I’m not willing to compromise myself for someone else. I did that for a long time, and I will never do that again.

I’m just left very confused and hurt right now.
 
Yes, I can see you feel hurt. I don't think you are being unethical in poly dating other people.

I’m not willing to compromise myself for someone else. I did that for a long time, and I will never do that again.
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Good for you.

Galagirl
 
Hello Gingersnaps78,

It sounds like Sam wants to be monogamous with you, while you are still feeling poly. It doesn't sound like this difference can be reconciled. I can't think of a way to convince Sam to be poly with you, or even just to let you be poly, while they remain monogamous. I guess your only options are to stay in the relationship and be miserable (due to Sam's disapproval of your polyness, or due to you giving up your polyness), or to end the relationship and be miserable (as you love each other intensely and are perfect for each other in every way, other than this one little thing). The difference is, that you can eventually recover from a breakup, whereas you could stay with Sam for the rest of your life and be miserable the whole time. For that reason, I am in favor of breaking up with them. I'm sorry, I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. It's true that in staying with Sam, you can always hold out hope that someday they'll change their mind about things.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Gingersnaps78 said:
If they want to de-escalate, that’s fine. I would feel hurt, but if that is what they need, then I would accept it. I don’t demand all of their time. I have days where I can’t see them either and I had suggested that on those days they could go and date someone else, since our days are planned ahead of time.

I just feel extremely hurt by all of this, especially by being told that I’m being unethical by considering dating other people. I am talking to a couple of other people right now, and I to plan to pursue them. I’m not willing to compromise myself for someone else. I did that for a long time, and I will never do that again.

I’m just left very confused and hurt right now.
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It is hurtful indeed when people present themselves one way at the beginning of dating, just to hook you, get sex, companionship, etc., only to have their true colors come out weeks, months or even a couple of years down the road. Some will do this deliberately, but I think others do it subconsciously, out of NRE feelings.

You're not alone. I've had this happen to me time and time again. It is one of the sucky things about dating, for sure.
 
Well, update. They de-escalated with me last night. We both cried, but they said they needed to back up emotionally a little bit. I’ve dated outside of us during our relationship, and I did meet a couple of people in the new year that I would like to get to know better. They know about it and seem supportive. They have admitted that they are struggling with jealousy. The main point of contention is that they are worried they won’t get as much time with me, when I have so little time already.

I think de-escalating will give them the chance to do things on their own without me, as well. I believe that was part of the problem, and not one I was creating, either. So we are still seeing each other, but stepping back a little to give us both some breathing room.
 
Sorry about the de-escalation, that really hurts inside. Even if it's the best thing, it wasn't really necessary as Sam could have gone on dates when you weren't around. But in Sam's mind, it was necessary, and there was no convincing them of otherwise. The good thing is now you can both be poly, and maybe Sam won't be quite so jealous.
 
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