Needing to Share

M

Mrbritish

New member
I don’t think I’m needing “advice” as such, but this section did say it was about “sharing” too.

Hi! Fairly new here to poly. Myself and my partner, A, have been opening up our relationship over the past six months. We are in a long distance relationship (3 hours), which is one of the reasons we started to contemplate poly - combined with us both not believing in the chains of monogamy.

Firstly, I’ve got to tell you about this girl. Oh my! She’s a dream, and absolute dream to be with. We’re both head over heels, {insert additional cliches}, about each other. She’s smart, witty, gorgeous, and basically everything I could ask for in a partner. It was that stupid movie Love at first sight crap, and we are that couple that just stares at each their when we are together - that sickening lovey couple.

We talk about everything, no feelings left on the table, nothing ever hidden. I trust her wholeheartedly, and she’s just got a great heart. As you can tell, I can talk about her for hours and hours. Our sex life is insane - somehow we share all of the same kinks (which basically means we’ll both try anything legal in the pursuit of sexual pleasure), and we are in a DD/LG dynamic.

A has found someone that she really likes, and I can tell he provides to her a lot of things that I cannot/ not interested in- creative/ artistic, dancing. I’m really glad she has found someone to hang out with that she likes. He feeds her, which may not sound like a lot but it’s reallt important that someone is looking or for her on that front with some previous history.

I know I am the best partner I can be to her, and I wake up every morning trying to do everything I can to make her life better.

I met her new partner over the weekend, and my internal reaction was not as positive as I would have hoped. I definitely felt some anxiety - I know I have some fears of losing what is the most amazing partnering I’ve ever had. It was silly things, that I really didn’t think would bother me - just really tiny signs of affection to him, that tied a few knots in my stomach.

Of course, we talked about all of this right after the fact. I was clear that “these are some feelings I’m having, and you absolutely did nothing wrong, and I don’t want you to change anything” to her. I really have no interest in reacting negatively with my actions, even if my emotions are being mean to me right now. I’ve certianly been a little down the last few days, and A has been such a sweetie. She asked me if I wanted a FaceTime date last night (I had every expectation she’d be hanging with her new partner), and we played charades for like four hours.

Hell, we’ve been daydreaming together about getting married the last couple of days - I think we were just “meant to be together”. She made an “I will never leave you” promise - which I absolutely didn’t ask for at all. She’s just been texting me a lot more than usual being a really great partner.

Tonight she was going out dancing with him, and I saw a casual photo of hem on social media - it wasn’t like they were even hugging. Yet it made the knots wrinkle up in my stomach again, and I’ve been a little down since then. I’m not going to contact her and spoil her date. Hell, I would really hate a dancing class - so I’m actually glad she can find someone to fill that hole in her life.

I had a previous short lived relationship where I had strong feelings for the person, and she left me for someone else. There were a lot of mitigating circumstances in that, but I do get scared of losing A. Yet, I’ve got no intention of pushing her away. I said on Sunday night, “I’m feeling some negative things right now, and there’s nothing you can do to help me fix them - it’s just some personal self confidence I have to work on, but I want to share with you how I feel because you are my partner.”

I know I’m going to be ok, and I know all of this is very normal. I guess I just needed to write it down. Perhaps I’m just in need of a friend, or a “yeah, stick with it, keep doing what you are doing and this will all dull”.

I love this forum. I’m kind of stalking, and reading a lot of stuff on here, and I want to thank all the contributors.

I’m going to send her a text right now and tell her that I really hoped that she had a wonderful evening dancing, and that I love her very much!
 
Hey Mrbritish,

What youve got there sounds like some special relationships early into polyamorism. Thats fantastic. Its always very motivating to read / hear stories of people working with eachother so well. It makes me happy :)

Thank you for sharing, you both sound very ready for this and know exactly what you want. That is seriously so great that youve found someone else that "shares all the same kinks" and everything you wrote in the second paragraph ;) Has A met your new girl, irl or online? How do they respond together?

Keep up with the posting, would love to be updated. Im very new to this aspect of life as well, about as long as you have. Feel free to message anytime
 
That's great to have found someone who is such a good match for you! Congrats!

Adjusting to the reality of having a poly relationship can be quite different from accepting it in theory. Your growing pains are completely normal and, in fact, you sound like you're handling it VERY well just based on the fact that you're open about communicating that you're experiencing feelings while simultaneously reassuring your partner that they are not at "fault" and you are not asking them to change their behavior. So kudos to you.

1 thing that I'm not sure of based on your post, is if you have an idea of what her new partner's experiences are with poly. I know you met this person, but do they identify as poly? Do they have experience? Sometimes knowing that they do and what they're ultimately looking for relationship wise can also quell some of the fears of losing your partner if you can feel a bit more confident that your meta isn't really just monogamous and wishes that your partner was too, or something like that. Of course, the more important issue is that regardless of what the meta wants, if you trust your partner and their intentions to stay with you, then that is what matters. But just throwing it out there, that I think if you can experience and know that your meta is actually very happy for you and your partner's relationship and supports it, then that can go a long way!
 
tryingtobecontent said:
Hey Mrbritish,

What youve got there sounds like some special relationships early into polyamorism. Thats fantastic. Its always very motivating to read / hear stories of people working with eachother so well. It makes me happy :)

Thank you for sharing, you both sound very ready for this and know exactly what you want. That is seriously so great that youve found someone else that "shares all the same kinks" and everything you wrote in the second paragraph ;) Has A met your new girl, irl or online? How do they respond together?

Keep up with the posting, would love to be updated. Im very new to this aspect of life as well, about as long as you have. Feel free to message anytime
Click to expand...

Thanks for your response! So I’m not with anyone that I would class as anything more than casual right now. Certainly had a few dates, and definitely some other people I am interested in - I’m not in a rush at all. I’m looking for someone orthogonal to my current relationship, and I’m happy to wait for someone that fits with me. I’m pretty confident about what I have to offer to other people, and have not had too much issue in finding people to connect with (Fetlife for me has been an amazing place to find poly kinky people).
 
breathemusic said:
That's great to have found someone who is such a good match for you! Congrats!

Adjusting to the reality of having a poly relationship can be quite different from accepting it in theory. Your growing pains are completely normal and, in fact, you sound like you're handling it VERY well just based on the fact that you're open about communicating that you're experiencing feelings while simultaneously reassuring your partner that they are not at "fault" and you are not asking them to change their behavior. So kudos to you.

1 thing that I'm not sure of based on your post, is if you have an idea of what her new partner's experiences are with poly. I know you met this person, but do they identify as poly? Do they have experience? Sometimes knowing that they do and what they're ultimately looking for relationship wise can also quell some of the fears of losing your partner if you can feel a bit more confident that your meta isn't really just monogamous and wishes that your partner was too, or something like that. Of course, the more important issue is that regardless of what the meta wants, if you trust your partner and their intentions to stay with you, then that is what matters. But just throwing it out there, that I think if you can experience and know that your meta is actually very happy for you and your partner's relationship and supports it, then that can go a long way!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for the kind words - I don’t feel like I’m doing very well, but it is reassuring.

Her new partner has been in a committed relationship for 3 years, and they’ve been open for a large part of that - so that does help. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.

I completely trust her. If she wants to leave me, she’ll do it whether she has another partner or not - in fact by reacting badly I’d increase that risk. I genuinely want her to be happy, and I know she feels the same.
 
Hi Mrbritish,

It sounds like you are having some jealousy/insecurity with regard to A and her new partner. That is not unusual! You just need some time together, no distractions or interruptions. Sometimes it just takes time. Hang in there! You are doing the right things, it will get easier.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Mrbritish,

It is a delight to see your love and joy just jumping off the page despite the little fearful knots. And it is tough when a past experience encroaches on the present. But, disappointments of the past clear the way for the present. Thank goodness that other partner left you or you wouldn't have A right here right now!

I look forward to any further writing you do about your beautiful relationship. Your connection sounds wonderful.

Arohanui,
Evie
 
You seem to have such an open and honest view of your feelings. It is really great to read that you are working towards acceptance.

Having jealousy is nothing to be ashamed of. In my case, I felt similar anxiety and pits in my stomach when my partner first started dating. What helped me was figuring out my major trigger. For me, I just didn't like the idea of being excluded. It helped to hear more about their dates and about her. That way, I felt included and felt less jealousy.

What do you think your major fear is here?
 
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