Needy people

[graviton]

I've had a few things happen in my life that are spawning some thoughts that I would like to share. This installment is about neediness. Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who becomes needy, either because you have withdrawn a bit due to time constraints, or emotionally, due to stress?

How do you react to the person and usually handle it?

Do you find that when someone becomes needy, that it only makes it more difficult to meet their expectations because of what an added stress it is to your life?

Personally, I am very independent, and do not handle neediness very well. I love bending over backwards for someone when I wish to show love, but when someone tells me I'm not meeting their expectations and starts begging for more, I grow resentful and distant.

What say you? Are poly people generally more needy or less needy?

Does a person who is independent (something I consider to be a hallmark trait of poly people) tend to be less needy?

 

[Marcus]

I love bending over backwards for someone when I wish to show love, but when someone tells me I'm not meeting their expectations and starts begging for more, I grow resentful and distant.

I agree with this sentiment so much, I feel all aflutter just reading it.

I put my shoulder into people taking responsibility for their own issues, and not depending on other people for their sense of worth so frequently that it seems I am against supporting my loved ones. While this might seem true, I am, in fact, very loving, and dote on my loved ones when the desire strikes me. When a friend calls me in need, and I am of a disposition to help them, you'll find me to be a dedicated ally. What I generally push against is the artificial creation of desire to please, and "working" to create such a desire... Gross.

Does a person who is independent (something I consider to be a hallmark trait of poly people) tend to be less needy?

I agree with the statement and disagree with the assumption. Independence, by definition, implies "less needy". However, poly and independence don't seem to collide in a fundamental way.

What prompted the topic? Share, Graviton. Don't be a tease.

 

[graviton]

What prompted the topic? Share, Graviton. Don't be a tease.

Multiple experiences over the last year, some of which are still painful, that I'm trying to sort out. I may start a blog eventually, but alas, cannot share at the moment.

 

[kdt26417]

In all honestly, there was a time when I would have passionately agreed with you. I lived with someone who was way too needy of my time, presence, and attention. The more she sat there hovering over my shoulder, the more I wanted to pretend like she didn't exist.

Alas. In retrospect I remember that this needy person was my wife, and that she was circling the drain we now know as Alzheimer's. I now think that gave her a pretty darn good excuse, and I wish I would have had more compassion towards her. Unfortunately we can't turn back the clock, and she passed away last year.

 

[MightyMax]

I had a partner who was very threatened by my gender fluidity, and would become very needy when it was evident that I wasn't just a girly boy or a boyish girl. My gender is fluid and influenced by my mood, my surroundings and the people I'm with. My partner was a lesbian, so when I was the butch female she needed, we had a great connection and a fantastic relationship. When I would feel more in line with a heterosexual (but submissive) male, or a homosexual male, she couldn't view me as her partner. I wasn't "me," according to her. And in order to get me (the butch dominant female she counted as me) to be "me" again, she would become needy, craving attention and resenting anyone who she perceived as stopping me from being that person.

It ended because I realised that I couldn't be who she needed me to be and she couldn't accept who I really am. It was a horrible, horrible breakup. She made me feel atrocious for being this biologically female but gender-fluid individual. I didn't date lesbians or bisexual women for a long time after we split up. Now I have partners that are mainly pansexual, so they love every aspect of my gender play.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who becomes needy? Either because you have withdrawn a bit due to time constraints or emotionally due to stress. How do you react to the person and usually handle it?

When I was younger, I would handle it by becoming more withdrawn. Neediness in others used to make me want to run off. I'm hugely independent and I found it hard to deal with demands on my time and attention. I'm an oldest child and my two siblings were and are much more demanding than me. I learned at 18 months old to depend on myself and I've pretty much been doing it ever since. I'm okay with that. I know that some people feel that sort of dynamic as them having been abandoned. It doesn't feel that way to me. I rationalised the being ignored as being given a large amount of freedom to do my own thing and I've been doing that for my whole life quite happily.

All of that aside, things are very different for me now. I'm older. I've spent over a decade shaping my life around the needs of my dogs. I've dealt with the death of 3 close family members in 3 consecutive years. One of those deaths was my dad who had a long battle with dementia before developing pneumonia and dying slowly in hospital of starvation when they (and we) felt that treating him further would not be kind to him. I'm changed by all of these experiences and now recognise that all of us need people sometimes. I do and so do all of my friends and family. If somebody close asks for my time and attention and energy, I do my best to give it to them. I no longer want to run off and see neediness as something that we all of have at times.

I expect also that if I reach out to a friend or partner and ask for support that they will be there too. There isn't a massive drama if people aren't but equally, I tend to let relationships with people who aren't supportive in times of need go. I will speak to romantic partners about feeling unsupported and if they are unable or unwilling to provide support then I'm happy to let those relationships go too. I don't want to be with people who find providing support a problem.

I'm kind of lucky. Most of my friends and close family are independent types with lots of other friends and tendencies toward being workaholics so they don't tend to make massive demands on my time and energy. I don't on their's either but every one of them will make time and space to help me if I need it.

I am slowly becoming better at being in a romantic relationship. I find those to be incredibly demanding of time, energy and thought. After years of being single and dealing with the world as I saw fit, getting used to having a partner again is still a work in progress.

Does a person who is independent (something I consider to be a hallmark trait of poly people) tend to be less needy?

I'm not sure why you consider independence a hallmark trait of poly people. It seems to me from reading these boards that independence is found rarely in poly folks.

Needing to have multiple committed, romantic relationships in order to feel like all needs are being met would seem rather opposed to the notion of independence.

Independence for me is about being able to meet my own needs, making my own decisions without considering any other person and dealing with the consequences of those myself.

Involving myself in even one romantic relationship feels like a drain on that independence. I find it hard to see how anybody in multiple romantic relationships could be considered independent.

I see deep neediness and a real difficulty with approaching the world as an individual as being a hallmark trait of poly people.

I don't see it as wrong to be needy at all. Everybody is at times and few people want to approach the world as an individual.

IP

 

[LoveBunny]

I love bending over backwards for someone when I wish to show love but when someone tells me I'm not meeting their expectations and start begging for more, I grow resentful and distant.

Not long ago, I tried to have a relationship with someone like that. Every time I asked for what I wanted, I was told I "demanded" too much, and then I was punished with withdrawal and the silent treatment. This only served to make me feel even less cared for and connected. It was a lose-lose situation.

I expect a certain amount of energy from my lovers and most intimate friends. I can get rather "intense" in my love affairs, meaning I want lots of quality time, sex, and deep talks. The words and actions of people I care about carry great weight with me. If someone I'm intimate with acts harsh or indifferent towards me, I tend to take it personally.

I thrive with people who behave consistently with affection and good intentions, when they put in the effort to spend quality time with me. I'm not someone who requires my partner be by my side at all times, nor do I expect anyone to drop everything and come to me when I beckon. I don't need to be constantly reassured that I'm attractive., so I'm not "needy" in that respect.

But, if someone I care about isn't spending enough quality time with me, or a lover isn't showing me enough physical affection, I get upset. I will speak up and say how I'm feeling. I've found this may be considered "drama" by certain kinds of people, namely those who don't wish to be bothered with the needs, wants, and expectations of another.

Sure, sometimes life gets in the way, or something pulls focus, and it's perfectly acceptable to say gently, "I have something I need to deal with, but I'll be back with you as soon as I possibly can." In the end, though, actions speak louder than words, and if a friend or lover seems to invest minimal time and energy in our relationship, or if they generally avoid intimacy, I'll bow out.

At my lowest, I've disparaged myself with the term "needy." But I've had enough long-term friendships/relationships to know I give back everything I get, and plenty of people DON'T find me draining, so I suspect I'm not "needy" at all. Maybe there is no such thing, and that's just something people call you when they don't want to give you what you're asking for.

 

[Marcus]

Maybe there is no such thing, and that's just something people call you when they don't want to give you what you're asking for.

I think you are exactly correct, and like all personality traits, it is more accurate to look at independence and dependence as a spectrum with many possible ranges.

I personally find many of the approaches people describe on these boards as very needy and controlling. But, that is likely because I'm so far on the other end of the spectrum.

What is qualifies as needy to me, probably just looks like base-level connection to many posters.
What qualifies as aloof and cold to many people on these boards, would just appear to be independence to me.

I'm not sure why you consider independence a hallmark trait of poly people. It seems to me from reading these boards that independence is found rarely in poly folks.

Involving myself in even one romantic relationship feels like a drain on that independence. I find it hard to see how anybody in multiple romantic relationships could be considered independent.

I was nodding my head vigorously until you got to the part in bold.

Having multiple romantic partners is diametrically opposed to independence? Perhaps having a romantic interest somehow collides with your sense of independence, but I assure you, it does not in any general sense, as you've stated.

I'm kind of lucky. Most of my friends and close family are independent types, with lots of other friends, and tendencies toward being workaholics, so they don't tend to make massive demands on my time and energy. I don't on theirs either, but every one of them will make time and space to help me if I need it.

At my lowest, I've disparaged myself with the term "needy." But I've had enough long-term friendships/relationships to know I give back everything I get, and plenty of people don't find me draining, so I suspect I'm not "needy" at all.

It isn't luck, IP, and it isn't necessarily that you are not "needy", LB. The trick is that you've eliminated people who function too far from your own extremes. For example, LoveBunny, it's extremely unlikely that you would keep a person like me in your life for long, as you would no doubt find my "hands off" approach to connection to be frustrating, and you would probably end our association (or let it drift into an acquaintance). The same is likely true with IP or me being intimate with you for any length of time.

This is a good thing. This is simply surrounding ourselves with compatible personality types, people who don't drain or feel drained by our presence. This is the way it's supposed to be.

I think a great deal of the drama found on these boards is caused by people refusing to let go of someone even though their personality profiles are fundamentally opposed.

 

[IndieSolo]

Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who becomes needy?

Yes, and I have been the needy one also.

How do you react to the person and usually handle it? Do you find that when someone becomes needy that it only makes it more difficult to meet their expectations because of what an added stress it is to your life?

Generally, depending on the situation, I might either withdraw or rebel - or I might confront them (lovingly but firmly). I remember early on in my marriage, when my husband was getting all needy over something and basically had a tantrum. I said to him, "You're upset right now and there is nothing I can do to change how you're feeling. I won't fight with you, so when you are ready to talk calmly, let me know and we will deal with the situation." Then I left the room. Later on, he thanked me. He said he'd never been in a relationship with someone who didn't want to fight and argue, and who just let him have his feelings. It pretty much diffused the volatility he was experiencing, and he was able to look at his neediness because I would not engage with it, either to kowtow or push back.

Personally I am very independent and do not handle neediness very well. I love bending over backwards for someone when I wish to show love but when someone tells me I'm not meeting their expectations and start begging for more, I grow resentful and distant. what say you?

I have been known to say to a boyfriend or two, "You're being really needy right now."

But let me also say, there is nothing wrong with someone feeling needy. I know that I have. But it's how the needy person handles their own neediness that makes a difference. If someone is aware of and can acknowledge their own neediness without placing expectation on a partner or lover to fix it for them, cool. Personally, I always try to develop as much self-awareness as I can so that I can see these patterns of behaviors as they rise up in me and check my behavior and expectations before any neediness I feel spirals out of my control and dumps shit on people I care about.

When people allow neediness to run their lives, and get clingy or moody or whatever, that's troublesome and says much about their ability to self-monitor. Hence, it isn't just independent people I seek out for relationships - it is independent and self-aware people I look for.

Are poly people generally more needy or less needy? Does a person who is independent (something I consider to be a hallmark trait of poly people) tend to be less needy?

Poly is a framework for having relationships that anyone can adopt; therefore, I steer clear of making generalizations about the personality traits of anyone who happens to practice poly. Just like in monogamy, there are healthy people and unhealthy people doing it. The structure or configuration of a relationship someone is in means bupkiss to me, as far as how needy or independent they are. They gotta walk the walk, not talk the talk.

 

[kdt26417]

To be fair, I should note that I have seen posts along the lines of ... oh, let's say: "My partner is monogamous but I am polyamorous. When my partner tells me he's not comfortable with me dating other people, I feel like he's interfering with my independence." So in that sort of scenario I guess you could think of polyamory as "pro-independence." Not "depending" on one partner to meet all our needs? Just sayin'.

 

[bookbug]

In all honestly, there was a time when I would have passionately agreed with you. I lived with someone who was way too needy of my time, presence, and attention. The more she sat there hovering over my shoulder, the more I wanted to pretend like she didn't exist.

Alas. In retrospect I remember that this needy person was my wife, and that she was circling the drain we now know as Alzheimer's. I now think that gave her a pretty darn good excuse, and I wish I would have had more compassion towards her. Unfortunately we can't turn back the clock, and she passed away last year.

Kevin, that must have been a very hard and sad time. I lost my SO very suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. It all sucks. The thing of it is, when one has such an ill spouse like you did, there is more than one victim. I am sure you coped as well as you could with an incredibly stressful situation. Don't beat yourself up.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Having multiple romantic partners is diametrically opposed to independence? Perhaps having a romantic interest somehow collides with your sense of independence but I assure you, it does not in any general sense as you've stated.

I would quite like to see romantic relationships that don't collide with my idea of independence. People talk about them and for sure I have friends who have romantic relationships that allow for more independence. That said I've yet to see a relationship that the people in it would describe as committed and romantic where it is not causing a drain on the independence on the people involved to some extent.

Marcus - it may be that if I could see you in a relationship I would revise my opinion but I don't have that opportunity and the people around me in relationships make compromises on their independence.

I have no problem with people making compromises on their independence because of committed, romantic relationships. I think it's important to do so. If another person is important and valued in my life and if I've allowed them to become intertwined with it to the point where they stay regularly at my house, where we speak often on the phone or by e-mail, where I hear about their hopes, dreams and problems, where we touch regularly and engage in sex then I feel that it is perfectly reasonable that my independence is limited to an extent by that other person. That's certainly the place I'm in now.

To me, it makes sense that if one relationship places limits on my independence than more than one would place more limits.

While I see that it is theoretically possible to have committed romantic relationships without loss of independence, I've never seen one operate like that. Maybe if I did I would revise my opinion.

I find that in all areas of life, I can only value theory if I see it in practise. I need to see things working and then look at the theories behind them.

So far, the notion of independence in relationships is a theoretical one to me.

IP

 

[opalescent]

interdependence

... Personally I am very independent and do not handle neediness very well. I love bending over backwards for someone when I wish to show love but when someone tells me I'm not meeting their expectations and start begging for more, I grow resentful and distant. what say you? Are poly people generally more needy or less needy? Does a person who is independent (something I consider to be a hallmark trait of poly people) tend to be less needy?

Some folks are chronically needy, as in they don't self-monitor and attempt to address their needs themselves. They make themselves utterly dependent on others to address needs. Other people exist to fill their needs. These people are black holes and are very unpleasant to be around. That kind of black hole neediness does indeed make me withdraw and run away.

But neediness that is less extreme? Just about everyone is needy at some point or another. NYCindie's point about managing one's neediness is really important.

I live my life asking for what I want and need. I try really hard not to expect my needs/wants/desires to be fulfilled. But making them known is critical even if I don't get them met. I don't expect people to meet my needs if I don't tell them. I'm not gifted at reading other people so one of my 'needs' is for people to tell me their wants and needs. Otherwise I tend not to figure it out on my own. I strongly believe that asking others for what one wants or needs is a requirement to be an adult. I also strongly believe that the ability to truly listen to the needs and wants of others even if one can't fulfill those needs is critical. If asking for what I need makes me needy, then I am needy.

I work at making a bright line between what I want - not necessary but good to have - and what I need - a must have. I got lots of 'wants' and way fewer 'needs'. The need varies for the type of relationship. I have different needs for a work environment than I do for romantic relationships although there are overlaps.

It would drive me batshit crazy to have someone label my asking for what I need as black hole needy and be withdrawn and not deal with me openly. It would be maddening to tell someone I am in a relationship (especially romantic but true of all my relationships) that my needs - not my wants - are not being met and the response is withdrawal. This happened with Whip. I told him I wasn't getting enough time with him and instead of just saying his priorities were now elsewhere and he was done with the relationship, he avoided me. I can always accept a 'no', even a painful end of relationship 'no'. If the neediness of other humans bothers you to the degree of resentment and withdrawal, learn to say no.

Not long ago, I tried to have a relationship with someone like that. Every time I asked for what I wanted, I was told I "demanded" too much, and then I was punished with withdrawal and the silent treatment. This only served to make me feel even less cared for and connected. It was a lose-lose situation.

I expect a certain amount of energy from my lovers and most intimate friends. I can get rather "intense" in my love affairs, meaning I want lots of quality time, sex, and deep talks. The words and actions of people I care about carry great weight with me. If someone I'm intimate with acts harsh or indifferent towards me, I tend to take it personally.

I thrive with people who behave consistently with affection and good intentions, when they put in the effort to spend quality time with me. I'm not someone who requires my partner be by my side at all times, nor do I expect anyone to drop everything and come to me when I beckon. I don't need to be constantly reassured that I'm attractive., so I'm not "needy" in that respect.

But, if someone I care about isn't spending enough quality time with me, or a lover isn't showing me enough physical affection, I get upset. I will speak up and say how I'm feeling. I've found this may be considered "drama" by certain kinds of people, namely those who don't wish to be bothered with the needs, wants, and expectations of another.

Sure, sometimes life gets in the way, or something pulls focus, and it's perfectly acceptable to say gently, "I have something I need to deal with, but I'll be back with you as soon as I possibly can." In the end, though, actions speak louder than words, and if a friend or lover seems to invest minimal time and energy in our relationship, or if they generally avoid intimacy, I'll bow out.

At my lowest, I've disparaged myself with the term "needy." But I've had enough long-term friendships/relationships to know I give back everything I get, and plenty of people DON'T find me draining, so I suspect I'm not "needy" at all. Maybe there is no such thing, and that's just something people call you when they don't want to give you what you're asking for.

This is very close to how I view romantic relationships. One of my needs is time spent with loved ones - whether romantic or friendship. Quality Time is my strongest love language. If a need, not a want, is not being met and there is no hope of working it out, I will leave a relationship. It took me too long to realize this with Whip but I broke up with him. I do think some people use the label of needy as a means to not deal with them directly, to dismiss other people.

I've also realized that similar ways to feel intimacy is also surprisingly important to a quality relationship. I had not realized this before. Whip and I had different ways to feel intimacy. I feel intimacy often through talking, getting to know someone on a deep level. Intimacy is very verbal for me. I also need touch and sex in a romantic relationship but if the intimacy is lacking overall, sex cannot fill that gap for me. Whip felt intimacy mostly, possibly only, through sex. He was unconcerned about one-on-one time except when having sex. It just wasn't one of his needs or wants. We couldn't meet each others needs for intimacy ultimately.

...

But let me also say, there is nothing wrong with someone feeling needy. I know that I have. But it's how the needy person handles their own neediness that makes a difference. If someone is aware of and can acknowledge their own neediness without placing expectation on a partner or lover to fix it for them, cool. Personally, I always try to develop as much self-awareness as I can so that I can see these patterns of behaviors as they rise up in me and check my behavior and expectations before any neediness I feel spirals out of my control and dumps shit on people I care about.

When people allow neediness to run their lives, and get clingy or moody or whatever, that's troublesome and says much about their ability to self-monitor. Hence, it isn't just independent people I seek out for relationships - it is independent and self-aware people I look for.

Poly is a framework for having relationships that anyone can adopt; therefore, I steer clear of making generalizations about the personality traits of anyone who happens to practice poly...

I'm frustrated by the assumption that the relevant axis here is solely independence and dependence. I need to connect with other people. That is a fundamental need of humans. I am also dependent on other people in ways that are obvious and subtle. I am interdependent. I am enmeshed in communities that I help build and develop, meeting the needs of others if I can, reliant upon large systems I don't control for the basics of life (food, shelter), and part of a larger economy that I dislike intensely but cannot realistically live apart from. (I admire those who try.) From the outside, I am very independent. I live alone, with pets that rely on me for everything, I have a good job that allows me to largely control my time and I make enough to fulfill all of my survival needs and many of my wants. I really value all this. But I know this to be the illusion of standing alone, on my own. I built on the foundation laid by my parents. I would not be where I am without them. I've relied on friends, family, and partners for emotional support and care, I am reliant on an economic system to deliver food and necessities, I rely on my pets for companionship. I rely ultimately upon nature to support me. I am reliant on all these people and systems in ways small and large. As are we all. I need other people, and other people need me. I rely upon them and they rely upon me. Interdependence is our reality, even if we don't acknowledge it.

I am also frustrated by the underlying assumption that to be needy is to be dependent. To have needs and to make them known does not make one dependent. It just means one has needs! The mere fact of having needs does not make someone dependent. Some people do take this to pathological extremes with the result that they are unhealthily dependent. The way we think about needs, as indicating dependence and weakness and failure, is often pathological in itself, especially in the US. Independence is a good thing generally but taken to extremes, it is also damaging to the psyche and society. I believe we have reached that toxic point in the US.

 

[LoveBunny]

@Opalescent, I love this:

I am interdependent.

I don't have children or elderly parents, so I don't have anyone in my life who is really "dependent" on me, except my pets. My relationships are interdependent: I have the support of other persons to whom I give in return.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from bookbug):

"Kevin, that must have been a very hard and sad time. I lost my SO very suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. It all sucks. The thing of it is, when one has such an ill spouse like you did, there is more than one victim. I am sure you coped as well as you could with an incredibly stressful situation. Don't beat yourself up."

Thanks, bookbug.

 

[GalaGirl]

Kevin, I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who becomes needy?

Graviton, you use "needy," where I use "clingy." To me, everyone has needs of various kinds. That doesn't necessarily make them automatically "clingy" in their behavior as they go about trying to meet their needs, or ask for help meeting their needs.

... either because you have withdrawn a bit due to time constraints, or emotionally, due to stress. How do you react to the person and usually handle it?

I don't react. I plan ahead/cope.

I give my partner the heads-up that work or whatever is going to be taking up my time for a bit, so he can prepare and weather it out well by making his arrangements and working out something for our shared responsibilities, like home and kids.

I let them know if I'm currently processing something heavy, so I'm not going to be my usual chipper self for a time.

They could do similar if they are experiencing something. I don't mind talking things out and working out a plan together to cope.

Again, I use "clingy" where you use "needy." Changes in blue mine:

Are poly people generally more (clingy) or less (clingy)?

A clingy person could learn better coping skills before attempting a polyship. Otherwise they are going to have a hard time with the extra emotional management that multi-person relating can bring.

Does a person who is independent (something I consider to be a hallmark trait of poly people) tend to be less (clingy)?

Yes, IME, independent people aren't especially prone to clingy behaviors.

I also think this is about personalities and introversion/extroversion. There will be introverted poly people. There will be extroverted poly people. Some of them like time on their own to charge their batteries. Some of them get charged by being with people. Different personality needs, but not necessarily clingy behavior.

If there is a scale from 1-10, where 1 is the person who likes being alone a lot, and 10 is the person likes to do stuff with people a lot, that's not about "clingy," to me, but "compatibility."

A (3) and a (6) might work it out okay. The gap between them isn't so far to bridge. The (3) could sometimes socialize more than preferred for the sake of the shared relationship. The (6) could live with less time with (3) than preferred for sake of the relationship. Be willing to meet some of their socializing need with other people. It isn't same as spending time with the (3) person, but they put up with it so the (3) can have their alone time, and because next week is their turn. Everyone can be okay and happy enough. The need gap is smallish -- 3 points apart.

A (2) and an (8) may have a harder time with this. The 6-point gap is maybe too much, even taking turns at it, because even taking turns, a 6-point gap is twice the size of a 3-point gap. Too big a leap to handle and still feel okay, happy enough. This pairing may be better off accepting it won't fly, than to keep trying to fly a thing that won't fly well.

I think the introverted/extroverted spectrum thing is a dating compatibility that could be examined.

But just on the "clingy" thing, IME, so far, "clingy" behavior comes coupled with whining behavior, "glomming on" behavior, not respecting limits or boundaries, not learning enough coping skills, and a whole list of other things I dislike.

"Clingy behaviors" turn me off. Plain and simple.

"Extroverted" does not turn me off. But as an introvert, I don't hang with my extroverted friends as often (they have other friends) and I do not date them. We'd be incompatible for dating, but fine for friendship.

 

[Bluebird]

I also think this is about personalities and introversion/extroversion. There will be introverted poly people. There will be extroverted poly people. Some of those like time on their own to charge their batteries. Some of those get charged by being with people. Different personality needs, but not necessarily clingy behavior.

Thanks for bringing this up. I don't think I am especially clingy. I believe I am really good at spelling out what I want in a relationship, and don't tend to deviate from that too much. However, I am really, really extroverted, and if I don't get to spend time with others, it puts me in a serious funk. I absolutely need that time to charge myself. I've never thought of needy/clingy behaviors in terms of intro/extrovert, but your post has put me on that path. Interesting!

 

[GalaGirl]

That's the thing. Say I date Jane Doe and she's an extrovert. I'm not denying that she has those extrovert needs or that they matter to her. If our natural gap isn't too big, I'm willing to work something out. But as to how she expresses her needs, ahe can let me know what her extrovert needs are and we can figure out how to meet them without any clingy behaviors, right? We can just talk it out. Her having needs doesn't make her a clingy person automatically. We all have needs from time to time.

The whole "clingy" thing is rooted in the "secure-not secure" spectrum, imo. I've seen lots of clingy insecure people. I have never seen a clingy secure person. I'm not sure what that would look like.

So as to the original question, "clingy" is not rooted in the "mono-poly" spectrum, imo, because there could be clingy mono people or clingy poly people. There could be non-clingy mono people or non-clingy poly people.

"Clingy" is also not rooted in the "introvert/extrovert" spectrum. There could be clingy introverts and clingy extroverts. There could be non-clingy introverts and non-clingy extroverts.

I think it is possible a mistake could be made if I, as an introvert, interpret my extroverted dating partner's need to socialize, and desire to do that with me, "Just being all clingy on me. Grrr!" and taking it personally, rather than seeing it as "an extrovert thing" and a "maybe our natural gap is too big for us to bridge as dating partners" compatibility thing.

 

[BDaemon]

@Opalescent, I love this:



I don't have children or elderly parents, so I don't have anyone in my life who is really "dependent" on me, except my pets. My relationships are interdependent: I have the support of other persons to whom I give in return.

I am completely in agreement with this.

I often wonder how needy I come off as to my partners and friends, and how obsessive I might appear when dealing with people. I have chronic anxiety that is triggered the most when a person I care for is giving me the cold shoulder or not being forthcoming with things. If I think something is up and its not explained to me or I'm brushed off, I fly into full overthink-mode and second guess both myself and the other person. I have to wonder "Is it really me being needy if all I want is open communication?"

And that's the thing: I'm more than willing to be there for a person who is there for me. I'm all about give and take, and it's the imbalance of that that really mucks things up.

Plus, one person's "clingy" is another person's "proactive"......and it's the game of figuring out who is what that can be a real pain in the ass as well. =/