Negligence or Boundary Pushing?

BelleRose

New member
Something strange happened last night, and it's prompted me to post this. Right away I can say that I didn't handle the situation as directly or maturely as I could have, though I still like to think I handled it with a certain amount of grace (maybe not lol). In that regard I know a reckoning is coming with my partner, George. But mostly I'm trying to get some insight because the behavior was very strange and I sort of feel like it's a not very compersive reaction to my other relationships.

If you all remember, my situation with George and my metamour Gina had been quite tense until finally she sent us a group text which ended in me delineating very clear boundaries and insisting on parallel as opposed to KTP with her. It's been a couple of weeks since then and we haven't had any further issues. So that's that.

For the month of July I was only seeing George, my bf, as Luke and I had broken up abruptly. Luke and I have the same birthday, and I guess it's one of those things sort of like NYE where you want to move into the new year without loose ends? Anyway, we both agreed to meet beforehand, and all the feelings were still there. He apologized for freaking out and running, and we've agreed to start over but to try and take things slow this time as we were moving very quickly in the throes of NRE before. That's been going well. Except where George is concerned. Before, when I mentioned Luke, he seemed happy for me, definitely practicing compersion, and though I didn't mention him a lot it made me happy when I did. When we broke up he even encouraged me to talk about it, saying he wanted to be there for me. But now if I mention Luke he seems a bit sarcastic and disapproving. I'm not sure if it's because he's worried that I'll get hurt again, but the vibe I'm getting just makes me feel guilty for seeing Luke at all.

Then there's Jose. I've known Jose for a while (a year?) but not well. Only as a regular at the bar. He comes in either alone or with friends on Friday nights when it's busy. The owners love him so he's sort of a VIP. That's all the information I had up until last week, besides that he's gorgeous and seemed really sweet, if distant. A month or so ago he came in on my Monday shift when the bar was empty and I thought maybe he'd been interested, but when I tried making conversation he seemed busy with his phone so I figured he wasn't interested and just came in for a beer after work. I'm not sure what possessed me last week but I got a vibe from him and gave him my number. He texted me immediately and told me he's had a huge crush on me for forever, but that he's really shy and didn't know how to make the first move. Yay!, I thought.

George knows Jose, and I wondered if this would be an issue. Neither of us practice prescriptive hierarchy but I always prefer to update George before something happens as opposed to after, so I gave him a "poly update", and told him that Jose and I had exchanged numbers and were going to go out later in the week. He didn't seem to have any issue. All he asked was whether I told "people" (I assume he meant Jose) that I was poly, or asked whether they were poly or poly friendly before going on a date. I said of course! I would hate for that to be a pop up surprise on a first date, and Jose is also aware that George is my boyfriend. He isn't poly but he is poly friendly. Everything seemed fine.

Last night was the night after my date with Jose. George didn't ask how it went. Which now that I think about it is a little odd. He usually asks. I typically don't volunteer more than a "it went great" or "ugh, I don't want to go out with him again", but still, he asks. I'd been seeing two other guys, early stages, when Luke and I broke up, and I was so sad I just let both those things fizzle. Maybe George just got used to me not dating anyone else? I don't know. In any case...last night I was out with my friend for her birthday. I got a text from George. He was working at the bar and told me it was slow, just regulars, and that I should come by. I thought it was a great idea because it's a karaoke bar, all my friends at this party were also singers/musicians and everyone wanted to sing. We came. It was great. The bar closed. The usual suspects stayed behind, me and some regulars, while George did the money. At first I was sitting with George but then I went to go talk to the girls.

Among the girls was Lucy. If you all remember, Lucy was very drunk and high several months ago and followed George into the bathroom while we were on a date in the bar. They have a mutual attraction but Lucy is engaged and mono. A few weeks ago (George wasn't there at the time) she followed a regular into the bathroom in the same state, and given the condition of her makeup when she emerged, it appeared that she performed oral sex. Eventually the other girls left and it was just Lucy and I talking. She wasn't off the rails last night. Neither of us drank very much (or took anything else), it was just a really good night of singing.

Here's where it got weird for me. When George finished the money he came over and squeezed himself in between Lucy and the corner of the couch. I'd been sitting in a chair across for Lucy, facing her. The three of us talked for a few minutes, then George stretched out and put his arm around Lucy. Then stretched out his leg so that he was sort of leaning around her. He continued to talk to both of us normally, but Lucy looked pretty uncomfortable, looking back and forth between the two of us sort of confused, as if to say, "what is he doing?" I felt the same way. I got up to make myself a drink and when I came back George had his foot up on the chair I'd been sitting in, so I chose a slightly farther chair. After a moment or so he asked me why I was sitting so far away, and Lucy then got visibly uncomfortable, scooting forward and leaning on her knees, almost so as not to be sitting back under George's arm. I wasn't really sure what he was playing at but whether he was trying to make me jealous or trying to orchestrate some sort of three way, I didn't appreciate it.

Long story short, I got up (as though to make myself another drink), and let myself out, locking the door behind me. The door isn't in view of the back area where we were sitting. Twenty minutes later George called me and I didn't pick up. I just texted him and told him I was almost home and not to worry. He asked why I'd Irish goodbye-d and then continued to call me frantically, even once I told him I was home safely. Finally I picked up and he sounded panicked, but I calmly told him that I'd been ready to leave so I went home.

I know I didn't handle it well. But I'm also a bit annoyed. Is this really something that I need to spell out at this stage in our relationship? We just went through a whole drama with his other girlfriend. We agreed on parallel poly. I never bring dates around him or get physical with other people in front of him. Why is this something that I need to explain? Especially when, as frantic as he seemed, I suspect he knows exactly what was wrong in the first place.

To be clear, I'm not totally against him getting involved with Lucy (if, say, her engagement falls through, which it very well might given her behavior in recent months). Sure, it would be a new challenge to me as I've never shared a boyfriend with a friend before, but I can handle that. What's upsetting me is that first, she's still engaged, and he's all about being ethical, so I don't know how far he reasonably expected that PDA to go. Lucy wasn't even feeding into it since she was perfectly lucid and seemed concerned about my discomfort. So why wasn't George? It's not as though he'd been pursuing something with someone at the bar and then I walked in on it. He invited me there. I really can't make heads or tails of his behavior except that I was being made to feel jealous. He's way too perceptive not to have noticed that both the women in the room were uncomfortable with his impromptu cuddle. I just don't understand why he wouldn't have given me a heads up, whatever his intentions were. I don't feel, as his girlfriend, that I should be in a situation like that trying to figure out what is going on. I don't think it was very respectful.

Any advice? (Besides not behaving like a third grader? That part I know. Lol)
 
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I think you handled it fine. You didn't make a scene or fuel more shenanigans. You simply bowed out. Fair enough. George was being weird and making you uncomfortable. You bowed out. Problem solved. You don't have sit around to look at the uncomfortable. Lucy has a mouth of her own -- she can say "get off me." I presume others were still there closing up and you weren't leaving her in a rape-y situation.

You told him you were home safe. So you really did not have to answer the phone. Could just turn it off. His panic is his problem not yours.

Is this really something that I need to spell out at this stage in our relationship? We just went through a whole drama with his other girlfriend. We agreed on parallel poly. I never bring dates around him or get physical with other people in front of him.

Is that a two-way street agreement? Where he doesn't bring dates around you or PDA with people around you? If so, he broke the agreement doing all this impromptu AND UNASKED cuddling on Lucy who was clearly uncomfortable.

I think the agreement could include "And if you do that around me, I'm just going home" as a natural consequence. You did it anyway, so kudos to you.

Does George do this a lot to people? I guess you could have said "Lucy, your face looks uncomfortable. George, have you asked Lucy for consent to cuddle or are you just putting your body all over her unasked?" Let the spotlight for poor behavior shine on him.

I've been "slimed" before by guys who just feel free to start draping arms and whatnot on me unasked. And of course when I call them on it, they have to make it like I'm "cold" or a "bitch" or have "no sense of humor" or whatever rather than owning they are taking liberties and behaving FRESH. I just agree. Yes. I have NO humor about non-consensual touching.

You were done and went home. No need to hang around for watching shenanigans. What's "third grader" or "irish goodbye" about that? NOTHING.

What's upsetting me is that first, she's still engaged, and he's all about being ethical, so I don't know how far he reasonably expected that PDA to go. Lucy wasn't even feeding into it since she was perfectly lucid and seemed concerned about my discomfort. So why wasn't George? It's not as though he'd been pursuing something with someone at the bar and then I walked in on it. He invited me there.

No idea what he thought he was doing. Next time don't go. Pick another karaoke bar. If you aren't at his bar, he cannot put on a "show" for you there regardless of his intention. To piss you off, make you jealous, engineer a threesome, whatever.

If he's in the habit of playing mind games or "testing" boundaries? Maybe you choose to stop seeing George because he's behaving poorly/kinda creepy. Draping himself on a person who is uncomfortable with that (Lucy) just to get a reaction out of another person (you)? Is all kinds of fresh. Draping himself around on people trying to "engineer" a 3 way rather than asking consent forthrightly? Also fresh.

I don't feel, as his girlfriend, that I should be in a situation like that trying to figure out what is going on. I don't think it was very respectful.

I don't think it is respectful either.

My advice is to figure out if you still want to date George or not. If he doesn't do "respect" very well and that is important to you in relationships? Cut your losses and move on to find partners who can deliver "respect."

Life's too short to be doing this "weird" guessing stuff.

Galagirl
 
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Maybe I'm being Captain Obvious here, but why not just ASK George what he was playing at, now that you're out of that situation and presumably everybody has calmed down and is acting normally again?
 
You don't have sit around to look at the uncomfortable.

You told him you were home safe. So you really did not have to answer the phone. Could just turn it off. His panic is his problem not yours.

Thanks. I needed to hear that. In the aftermath he was upset that I left without saying goodbye, or that I didn't just tell him that I was uncomfortable. We did talk it out eventually and I explained that his behavior in the moment made me uncomfortable with either of the options he would have preferred.

Is that a two-way street agreement? Where he doesn't bring dates around you or PDA with people around you? If so, he broke the agreement doing all this impromptu AND UNASKED cuddling on Lucy who was clearly uncomfortable.

We have an agreement specifically that he doesn't bring dates to the bar when I am working. If I'm just hanging out there and someone he's seeing is going to be there, he gives me a heads up. That's the rule. He isn't quite as boundaried as I am, but I reciprocate, partially because I feel like it's respectful but also because I'm not too comfortable having multiple partners in the same microcosm at once either.

Does George do this a lot to people?

No, he doesn't. This wasn't typical behavior for him at all. And especially with Lucy, knowing that she is a messy person for me, it made it all the more unusual.

If he's in the habit of playing mind games or "testing" boundaries? Maybe you choose to stop seeing George because he's behaving poorly/kinda creepy. Draping himself on a person who is uncomfortable with that (Lucy) just to get a reaction out of another person (you)? Is all kinds of fresh. Draping himself around on people trying to "engineer" a 3 way rather than asking consent forthrightly? Also fresh.

Mind games, no, that's out of character for him. To be fair, Lucy has expressed interest in him in the past, I think she was uncomfortable because I was sitting in front of her. I think she'd be happy to get physical with George, just not in my presence. They didn't get physical together after I left, and I don't think I threw a monkey wrench in anything, he says it was never his intention and I believe him. I honestly do think he was acting out and pushing boundaries a bit, now that I have all the information. I don't know why. I don't know if it was looking for attention, maybe needing validation, if it was a jealousy thing. That detail still sort of irks me but I think it's something we will be able to work through with time.

Thank you so much for the advice. George did apologize for not being mindful of his actions in the moment and has agreed to pay more attention going forward, so I'm okay. Even though I suspect he was more aware of his behavior and the effect it was having than he's letting on, all I really need to know is that it won't happen again, and I believe that's been established between us after we discussed the situation.
 
Maybe I'm being Captain Obvious here, but why not just ASK George what he was playing at, now that you're out of that situation and presumably everybody has calmed down and is acting normally again?

Lol, that's definitely fair. Eventually I did. I will admit that my style is less, "you're on time out for running in the house," and more, "why am I putting you on time out?". And then awaiting the confession. Maybe not my most awesome character trait.
 
Hi BelleRose,

I don't think that you were out of line to leave when George was acting weird. If anything *he* was the one who was out of line. Don't feel like you should be explaining your actions to him; on the contrary, he should be explaining his actions to you. (And to Lucy.) Since this was a one-time thing, I guess you could let it go if you want to. Just don't feel like you did anything wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi BelleRose,

I don't think that you were out of line to leave when George was acting weird. If anything *he* was the one who was out of line. Don't feel like you should be explaining your actions to him; on the contrary, he should be explaining his actions to you. (And to Lucy.) Since this was a one-time thing, I guess you could let it go if you want to. Just don't feel like you did anything wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Kevin,

Thanks. I really appreciate that reassurance.

I'm not super happy with the explanation I received. The gist from George was that he had no idea his body language was making me uncomfortable. That he was tired, drunk, high (weed, nothing hard) and just not aware. But he also specified that his arm was "on the chair behind" Lucy, not around her, as a defense. To me, if he can recall a detail that innocuous a couple days later then he wasn't as out of it as he's making himself out to have been. I really wish I knew his thought process because his actions seemed very deliberate to me, but I don't want to drag it on and on since he's already assured me that it won't happen again.
 
The gist from George was that he had no idea his body language was making me uncomfortable. That he was tired, drunk, high (weed, nothing hard) and just not aware.

He gets drunk and high while working his bar job?

But he also specified that his arm was "on the chair behind" Lucy, not around her, as a defense. To me, if he can recall a detail that innocuous a couple days later then he wasn't as out of it as he's making himself out to have been.

I agree. If he knows it was "just around the chair" then he knows he can have it NOT around the chair and sit at a table like a regular person. NOT behave like one of the guys who get all "handsy" with people without their consent.

I really wish I knew his thought process because his actions seemed very deliberate to me, but I don't want to drag it on and on since he's already assured me that it won't happen again.

Yup. No point in dragging it out.

What is the consequence you plan to do if it happens again?

Galagirl
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He gets drunk and high while working his bar job?

Lol, yup. To be fair, we all do. It's a family owned dive bar. I was a regular for 7 years before I started working there a year ago. He's been there for 15 years. It's a very laid back and comfortable environment, not nearly as formal as a restaurant/upscale cocktail bar situation. As long as everyone has their wits about them enough to perform basic math it isn't unusual for us to take shots with regulars, and we typically hangout for an hour or so after close to wind down. Discuss the crazies of the night, etc. Especially because it's a karaoke bar, it can be a LOT of stimuli. I don't go the THC route quite as much as George in my day to day life, mostly when I need a good night's sleep or if I'm having a real party night, but at work I find it helps to put a thin layer of chill between me and the crazies. Lol. In any case, though, I think those excuses were sort of cop outs, you know?

I agree. If he knows it was "just around the chair" then he knows he can have it NOT around the chair and sit at a table like a regular person. NOT behave like one of the guys who get all "handsy" with people without their consent.

Agreed.

Yup. No point in dragging it out.

What is the consequence you plan to do if it happens again?

I'm honestly hoping it won't come to that. I was very clear, and while he has assured me that he has no interest in starting something with Lucy going forward, I told him that if he's going to start something with someone new I, A - Want a heads up before hand and, B - Do not want to watch it unfold in front of me.

I'm still quite convinced that he was acting out, maybe about me starting to date Jose? Maybe not. But I don't think it will be an issue going forward.
 
(Luke) apologized for freaking out and running, and we've agreed to start over. That's been going well. Except where George is concerned. ...now if I mention Luke he seems a bit sarcastic and disapproving. I'm not sure if it's because he's worried that I'll get hurt again, but the vibe I'm getting just makes me feel guilty for seeing Luke at all.

Then there's Jose. George knows Jose, and I wondered if this would be an issue... after my date with Jose. George didn't ask how it went. Which now that I think about it is a little odd. He usually asks. Maybe George just got used to me not dating anyone else? I don't know.

I got a text from George. He was working at the bar ...and told me that I should come by.

Among the girls was Lucy... They have a mutual attraction but Lucy is engaged and mono. When George finished the money he came over and squeezed himself in between Lucy and the corner of the couch... then George stretched out and put his arm around Lucy... Lucy looked pretty uncomfortable, looking back and forth between the two of us sort of confused, as if to say, "what is he doing?"

He invited me there. I really can't make heads or tails of his behavior except that I was being made to feel jealous.

I'm not super happy with the explanation I received. The gist from George was that he had no idea his body language was making me uncomfortable. But he also specified that his arm was "on the chair behind" Lucy, not around her, as a defense. To me, if he can recall a detail that innocuous a couple days later then he wasn't as out of it as he's making himself out to have been.

I agree. If he knows it was "just around the chair" then he knows he can have it NOT around the chair and sit at a table like a regular person.

What is the consequence you plan to do if it happens again?

I'm honestly hoping it won't come to that... I told him that if he's going to start something with someone new I, A - Want a heads up before hand and, B - Do not want to watch it unfold in front of me.

I'm still quite convinced that he was acting out, maybe about me starting to date Jose? Maybe not. But I don't think it will be an issue going forward.

I agree that it sounds as if he was acting out in a passive-aggressive, possessive fashion... AND that he was pretty conscious of his own actions, drunk/high or not.

I also agree that if it turns out to be a "one off", it's probably fine to put it behind you, since you say you've been very clear about your boundaries regarding this sort of behaviour in the future.

However, like yourself and others here, I also don't quite buy his explanation.

It *does* sound to me like George is having difficulty coming to grips with you dating other guys right now... possibly because one of them hurt you in the past (Luke), or because the other is a friendly acquaintance of his (Jose).

You already wondered if dating Jose might prove a problem for George, and his out-of-character performance with you and Lucy only seems to confirm this suspicion. It's just a shame he won't own up to what's really bothering him (if there really is some other reason), because honest communication in these situations is what will help prevent their recurrence. You cannot be expected to read minds.
 
BelleRose said:
Galagirl said:
Yup. No point in dragging it out.

What is the consequence you plan to do if it happens again?

I'm honestly hoping it won't come to that. I was very clear, and while he has assured me that he has no interest in starting something with Lucy going forward, I told him that if he's going to start something with someone new I, A - Want a heads up before hand and, B - Do not want to watch it unfold in front of me.

I'm still quite convinced that he was acting out, maybe about me starting to date Jose? Maybe not. But I don't think it will be an issue going forward.

Hopefully it becomes a non-issue as you hope.

At the same time, you do not set personal boundaries for OTHER people to respect. You set them for YOU to honor and respect.

So if he DOES step on your toes again...

  • He doesn't give you a heads up that he wants to see someone new ahead of time
  • He does PDA/hitting on people/getting handsy in front of you again

...what is the consequence you plan to do? Think it out. You don't have to post it here. Just have to articulate to yourself so YOU know where the line in the sand is and if the situation arises YOU know what to do.

Like "hope for the best and plan for the worst" so you are ok either way. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
Not to be too critical... but I just want to point out that while, yes, his behavior was probably passive-aggressive and definitely out of line (not excusing that at all), that you were ALSO being passive-aggressive by walking out without even saying anything to him.

I mean, if he had done that to you.... would you be worried? Would you wonder if he was ok? Yes, sure, you did eventually respond to him reaching out and let him know that you were fine, but honestly that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.

So I think that you BOTH realistically have some work to do in changing your communication and learning how to be more direct. I absolutely understand not wanting to make a scene in that space, or in front of your friend. I'm not suggesting that you had to do any of that. But if your expectation ever includes "he should know why I'm upset!" then you're not communicating directly and you're being passive-aggressive. Just like him putting on some shitty display and acting out for who knows what reason, but probably because of the Jose situation, is also expecting you to "guess" what's wrong and is not ok behavior.

I know you said up front that you probably didn't handle it in the best way. So you're clearly self-aware in that respect. But I would just suggest that it might be worth examining if these indirect communication styles are common for you both if you look back at your history. Maybe that is a more overarching issue than just as it relates to dating/poly.
 
Yes, sure, you did eventually respond to him reaching out and let him know that you were fine, but honestly that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.

True. In hindsight that wasn’t fair to him, and he was very upset that I left without saying anything. He also asked me how I would have felt if he’d left like that without telling me. Of course, that made me wonder how he would have felt had I draped myself all over an acquaintance of his who had disrespected our relationship in the past. But nevertheless, that wasn’t fair.

This also answers GalaGirl’s question: If anything like that happens again I will tell him that I’m leaving directly, and then proceed pretty much in the same way I did. I was very explicit the next day after I’d cooled down and had time to think. I just needed to remove myself in the moment and that part I should have been more considerate about despite his behavior.

I typically communicate directly and explicitly with him (and everyone, really), and in writing if it’s a particularly touchy situation because it’s the best way for me to be clear. He isn’t particularly passive aggressive (usually) but I have noticed that he tends to avoid confrontation if he can.

That being said, sometime this week I’m going to update him about my other partners and ask him how he feels. If there are any weird feelings it’s probably better to get it on the table now before any other issues arise.
 
True. In hindsight that wasn’t fair to him, and he was very upset that I left without saying anything. He also asked me how I would have felt if he’d left like that without telling me. Of course, that made me wonder how he would have felt had I draped myself all over an acquaintance of his who had disrespected our relationship in the past. But nevertheless, that wasn’t fair.

If there was an agreement about neither of you doing PDA with people in front of the other and he's draping himself all over Lucy in front of you?

You were provoked by HIS agreement breaking behavior. So you chose to leave the situation. That's not you doing mean things to him out of the blue. That is you taking care of YOU after he does provoking behavior. So no. I don't think it was crap behavior for you to remove yourself from that provoking situation without saying anything. Why would anyone stay in provoking situations when they don't have to? :confused:

You answered him on the phone when he called. What more consideration does he want? Esp when he wasn't being considerate of you and he's the one who put you in the weird situation in the first place?

When you are provoked, you don't have to say goodnight or do any JADE. Justify, argue, defend, or explain. You can simply go home to cool off in a safe space. That's not being passive aggressive to me. That's doing self care. Esp if you are mad, and wish to avoid exploding on him in public.

If he doesn't want to feel upset that you won't stick around when he does provoking, agreement breaking things? Well, he can stop behaving like that then.

That's fair. He is in charge of how he behaves. You are in charge of how you behave.

This also answers GalaGirl’s question: If anything like that happens again I will tell him that I’m leaving directly, and then proceed pretty much in the same way I did.

Why wait for it to happen again before you tell him what he can expect? Just tell him now.

If he does PDA in front of you, he can expect you to just up and leave. Because you aren't gonna sit around watching it. And you aren't gonna be explaining that you need to go home to cool off and get away from provocations. You just GO.

I was very explicit the next day after I’d cooled down and had time to think. I just needed to remove myself in the moment and that part I should have been more considerate about despite his behavior.

Even when provoked and hot headed...you expect yourself to be considerate of his feelings when he's not being considerate of yours? That's a tall order. Might not be a realistic expectation. I think just taking care of you is enough. You didn't do the provoking.

I also think it is ok to wait to communicate when everyone's cooled off first. It's not passive aggressive to not want to be doing "processing" right that very minute., esp with Lucy around.

Galagirl
 
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You were provoked by HIS agreement breaking behavior.

You answered him on the phone when he called. What more consideration does he want? Esp when he wasn't being considerate of you and he's the one who put you in the weird situation in the first place?

When you are provoked, you don't have to say goodnight or do any JADE. Justify, argue, defend, or explain. You can simply go home to cool off in a safe space. That's not being passive aggressive to me.

Galagirl

I think this is all very fair.

::deep sigh::

I've always known - due to my delightful upbringing - that I struggle with people pleasing and setting/maintaining boundaries. That is what makes something like this so difficult for me. Even when I'm uncomfortable, even when I'm RIGHT to be, it's much easier for me to validate the emotions of others than my own.

At this point we have talked things through and I feel like we are in a good place moving forward. I'm not really thrilled as to how the talk finally came about. A week after the event and our initial conversation, when things were supposed to have been settled, I noticed that George was behaving oddly toward me. Nothing overt, mind you, but little things. Not being as warm. Not being as responsive when I started conversations. Then when I told him I'd noticed this shift in behavior and told him how it was making me feel, I noticed that he was very defensive and even a bit rude. When we talked about it in person he brought up my walk out again (which was supposed to have been behind us) by way of asking me why I don't communicate with him in the moment.

First, while I'm not thrilled that I had to pick up on an attitude shift and start a conversation about an issue he was having (as opposed to him just saying what he needed to say) I am very, VERY proud of myself for calling out the attitude shift. That's the thing about passive aggressive behavior! It is so easily deniable. It's so easy to make the other person feel crazy, and while George didn't do this, I've had this done to me in the past so I'm really glad that I got over that hurdle and called it like I saw it.

Anyway, I stated that if I am in a heated situation where emotions are running high, rather than being reactive and tackling it in the moment, I prefer to remove myself, give myself time to think, and approach a discussion with a clear head. That satisfied the, "Why did you just leave?" question and finally put it to rest, as well as setting the expectation for the future.

I also finally got to the bottom of the acting out. I expressed to George that he hadn't seemed as supportive of my other relationships as of late, barely responding to my updates in terms of who I'm seeing/not seeing anymore; not asking me how dates went, etc., to which he immediately replied, without skipping a beat, "But I thought you wanted parallel poly." And defensively so.

I got VERY upset at this (almost cried, honestly) because it became clear that the acting out was never about who I was dating. This was about having set boundaries with Gina (as discussed in a previous thread). I never (and I said all of this to George in the moment) said that I didn't want to hear about his other partner(s). I never communicated any personal issues with Gina (I don't have any) to him, nor did I ask him not to talk to me about their relationship. I care about and support his other relationships, and it felt extremely unfair that because I didn't want to be INVOLVED in a relationship with Gina (KTP) that suddenly he'd taken things to the extreme and in turn subjected me to behavior that wasn't supportive.

He admitted that in his very first poly relationship, though he considered himself "solo poly" at the time, he'd been dating two women who didn't like each other and eventually he'd had to compartmentalize the two relationships. Overtime resentments built up and it didn't work out. He apologized for having brought that baggage into the current situation and acknowledged that he'd been reacting the way he was because of old circumstances.

We've been in a much better place since that conversation.
 
I think you were right to call George out. I'm glad to hear that things are working out in that area.
 
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