BelleRose
New member
Something strange happened last night, and it's prompted me to post this. Right away I can say that I didn't handle the situation as directly or maturely as I could have, though I still like to think I handled it with a certain amount of grace (maybe not lol). In that regard I know a reckoning is coming with my partner, George. But mostly I'm trying to get some insight because the behavior was very strange and I sort of feel like it's a not very compersive reaction to my other relationships.
If you all remember, my situation with George and my metamour Gina had been quite tense until finally she sent us a group text which ended in me delineating very clear boundaries and insisting on parallel as opposed to KTP with her. It's been a couple of weeks since then and we haven't had any further issues. So that's that.
For the month of July I was only seeing George, my bf, as Luke and I had broken up abruptly. Luke and I have the same birthday, and I guess it's one of those things sort of like NYE where you want to move into the new year without loose ends? Anyway, we both agreed to meet beforehand, and all the feelings were still there. He apologized for freaking out and running, and we've agreed to start over but to try and take things slow this time as we were moving very quickly in the throes of NRE before. That's been going well. Except where George is concerned. Before, when I mentioned Luke, he seemed happy for me, definitely practicing compersion, and though I didn't mention him a lot it made me happy when I did. When we broke up he even encouraged me to talk about it, saying he wanted to be there for me. But now if I mention Luke he seems a bit sarcastic and disapproving. I'm not sure if it's because he's worried that I'll get hurt again, but the vibe I'm getting just makes me feel guilty for seeing Luke at all.
Then there's Jose. I've known Jose for a while (a year?) but not well. Only as a regular at the bar. He comes in either alone or with friends on Friday nights when it's busy. The owners love him so he's sort of a VIP. That's all the information I had up until last week, besides that he's gorgeous and seemed really sweet, if distant. A month or so ago he came in on my Monday shift when the bar was empty and I thought maybe he'd been interested, but when I tried making conversation he seemed busy with his phone so I figured he wasn't interested and just came in for a beer after work. I'm not sure what possessed me last week but I got a vibe from him and gave him my number. He texted me immediately and told me he's had a huge crush on me for forever, but that he's really shy and didn't know how to make the first move. Yay!, I thought.
George knows Jose, and I wondered if this would be an issue. Neither of us practice prescriptive hierarchy but I always prefer to update George before something happens as opposed to after, so I gave him a "poly update", and told him that Jose and I had exchanged numbers and were going to go out later in the week. He didn't seem to have any issue. All he asked was whether I told "people" (I assume he meant Jose) that I was poly, or asked whether they were poly or poly friendly before going on a date. I said of course! I would hate for that to be a pop up surprise on a first date, and Jose is also aware that George is my boyfriend. He isn't poly but he is poly friendly. Everything seemed fine.
Last night was the night after my date with Jose. George didn't ask how it went. Which now that I think about it is a little odd. He usually asks. I typically don't volunteer more than a "it went great" or "ugh, I don't want to go out with him again", but still, he asks. I'd been seeing two other guys, early stages, when Luke and I broke up, and I was so sad I just let both those things fizzle. Maybe George just got used to me not dating anyone else? I don't know. In any case...last night I was out with my friend for her birthday. I got a text from George. He was working at the bar and told me it was slow, just regulars, and that I should come by. I thought it was a great idea because it's a karaoke bar, all my friends at this party were also singers/musicians and everyone wanted to sing. We came. It was great. The bar closed. The usual suspects stayed behind, me and some regulars, while George did the money. At first I was sitting with George but then I went to go talk to the girls.
Among the girls was Lucy. If you all remember, Lucy was very drunk and high several months ago and followed George into the bathroom while we were on a date in the bar. They have a mutual attraction but Lucy is engaged and mono. A few weeks ago (George wasn't there at the time) she followed a regular into the bathroom in the same state, and given the condition of her makeup when she emerged, it appeared that she performed oral sex. Eventually the other girls left and it was just Lucy and I talking. She wasn't off the rails last night. Neither of us drank very much (or took anything else), it was just a really good night of singing.
Here's where it got weird for me. When George finished the money he came over and squeezed himself in between Lucy and the corner of the couch. I'd been sitting in a chair across for Lucy, facing her. The three of us talked for a few minutes, then George stretched out and put his arm around Lucy. Then stretched out his leg so that he was sort of leaning around her. He continued to talk to both of us normally, but Lucy looked pretty uncomfortable, looking back and forth between the two of us sort of confused, as if to say, "what is he doing?" I felt the same way. I got up to make myself a drink and when I came back George had his foot up on the chair I'd been sitting in, so I chose a slightly farther chair. After a moment or so he asked me why I was sitting so far away, and Lucy then got visibly uncomfortable, scooting forward and leaning on her knees, almost so as not to be sitting back under George's arm. I wasn't really sure what he was playing at but whether he was trying to make me jealous or trying to orchestrate some sort of three way, I didn't appreciate it.
Long story short, I got up (as though to make myself another drink), and let myself out, locking the door behind me. The door isn't in view of the back area where we were sitting. Twenty minutes later George called me and I didn't pick up. I just texted him and told him I was almost home and not to worry. He asked why I'd Irish goodbye-d and then continued to call me frantically, even once I told him I was home safely. Finally I picked up and he sounded panicked, but I calmly told him that I'd been ready to leave so I went home.
I know I didn't handle it well. But I'm also a bit annoyed. Is this really something that I need to spell out at this stage in our relationship? We just went through a whole drama with his other girlfriend. We agreed on parallel poly. I never bring dates around him or get physical with other people in front of him. Why is this something that I need to explain? Especially when, as frantic as he seemed, I suspect he knows exactly what was wrong in the first place.
To be clear, I'm not totally against him getting involved with Lucy (if, say, her engagement falls through, which it very well might given her behavior in recent months). Sure, it would be a new challenge to me as I've never shared a boyfriend with a friend before, but I can handle that. What's upsetting me is that first, she's still engaged, and he's all about being ethical, so I don't know how far he reasonably expected that PDA to go. Lucy wasn't even feeding into it since she was perfectly lucid and seemed concerned about my discomfort. So why wasn't George? It's not as though he'd been pursuing something with someone at the bar and then I walked in on it. He invited me there. I really can't make heads or tails of his behavior except that I was being made to feel jealous. He's way too perceptive not to have noticed that both the women in the room were uncomfortable with his impromptu cuddle. I just don't understand why he wouldn't have given me a heads up, whatever his intentions were. I don't feel, as his girlfriend, that I should be in a situation like that trying to figure out what is going on. I don't think it was very respectful.
Any advice? (Besides not behaving like a third grader? That part I know. Lol)
If you all remember, my situation with George and my metamour Gina had been quite tense until finally she sent us a group text which ended in me delineating very clear boundaries and insisting on parallel as opposed to KTP with her. It's been a couple of weeks since then and we haven't had any further issues. So that's that.
For the month of July I was only seeing George, my bf, as Luke and I had broken up abruptly. Luke and I have the same birthday, and I guess it's one of those things sort of like NYE where you want to move into the new year without loose ends? Anyway, we both agreed to meet beforehand, and all the feelings were still there. He apologized for freaking out and running, and we've agreed to start over but to try and take things slow this time as we were moving very quickly in the throes of NRE before. That's been going well. Except where George is concerned. Before, when I mentioned Luke, he seemed happy for me, definitely practicing compersion, and though I didn't mention him a lot it made me happy when I did. When we broke up he even encouraged me to talk about it, saying he wanted to be there for me. But now if I mention Luke he seems a bit sarcastic and disapproving. I'm not sure if it's because he's worried that I'll get hurt again, but the vibe I'm getting just makes me feel guilty for seeing Luke at all.
Then there's Jose. I've known Jose for a while (a year?) but not well. Only as a regular at the bar. He comes in either alone or with friends on Friday nights when it's busy. The owners love him so he's sort of a VIP. That's all the information I had up until last week, besides that he's gorgeous and seemed really sweet, if distant. A month or so ago he came in on my Monday shift when the bar was empty and I thought maybe he'd been interested, but when I tried making conversation he seemed busy with his phone so I figured he wasn't interested and just came in for a beer after work. I'm not sure what possessed me last week but I got a vibe from him and gave him my number. He texted me immediately and told me he's had a huge crush on me for forever, but that he's really shy and didn't know how to make the first move. Yay!, I thought.
George knows Jose, and I wondered if this would be an issue. Neither of us practice prescriptive hierarchy but I always prefer to update George before something happens as opposed to after, so I gave him a "poly update", and told him that Jose and I had exchanged numbers and were going to go out later in the week. He didn't seem to have any issue. All he asked was whether I told "people" (I assume he meant Jose) that I was poly, or asked whether they were poly or poly friendly before going on a date. I said of course! I would hate for that to be a pop up surprise on a first date, and Jose is also aware that George is my boyfriend. He isn't poly but he is poly friendly. Everything seemed fine.
Last night was the night after my date with Jose. George didn't ask how it went. Which now that I think about it is a little odd. He usually asks. I typically don't volunteer more than a "it went great" or "ugh, I don't want to go out with him again", but still, he asks. I'd been seeing two other guys, early stages, when Luke and I broke up, and I was so sad I just let both those things fizzle. Maybe George just got used to me not dating anyone else? I don't know. In any case...last night I was out with my friend for her birthday. I got a text from George. He was working at the bar and told me it was slow, just regulars, and that I should come by. I thought it was a great idea because it's a karaoke bar, all my friends at this party were also singers/musicians and everyone wanted to sing. We came. It was great. The bar closed. The usual suspects stayed behind, me and some regulars, while George did the money. At first I was sitting with George but then I went to go talk to the girls.
Among the girls was Lucy. If you all remember, Lucy was very drunk and high several months ago and followed George into the bathroom while we were on a date in the bar. They have a mutual attraction but Lucy is engaged and mono. A few weeks ago (George wasn't there at the time) she followed a regular into the bathroom in the same state, and given the condition of her makeup when she emerged, it appeared that she performed oral sex. Eventually the other girls left and it was just Lucy and I talking. She wasn't off the rails last night. Neither of us drank very much (or took anything else), it was just a really good night of singing.
Here's where it got weird for me. When George finished the money he came over and squeezed himself in between Lucy and the corner of the couch. I'd been sitting in a chair across for Lucy, facing her. The three of us talked for a few minutes, then George stretched out and put his arm around Lucy. Then stretched out his leg so that he was sort of leaning around her. He continued to talk to both of us normally, but Lucy looked pretty uncomfortable, looking back and forth between the two of us sort of confused, as if to say, "what is he doing?" I felt the same way. I got up to make myself a drink and when I came back George had his foot up on the chair I'd been sitting in, so I chose a slightly farther chair. After a moment or so he asked me why I was sitting so far away, and Lucy then got visibly uncomfortable, scooting forward and leaning on her knees, almost so as not to be sitting back under George's arm. I wasn't really sure what he was playing at but whether he was trying to make me jealous or trying to orchestrate some sort of three way, I didn't appreciate it.
Long story short, I got up (as though to make myself another drink), and let myself out, locking the door behind me. The door isn't in view of the back area where we were sitting. Twenty minutes later George called me and I didn't pick up. I just texted him and told him I was almost home and not to worry. He asked why I'd Irish goodbye-d and then continued to call me frantically, even once I told him I was home safely. Finally I picked up and he sounded panicked, but I calmly told him that I'd been ready to leave so I went home.
I know I didn't handle it well. But I'm also a bit annoyed. Is this really something that I need to spell out at this stage in our relationship? We just went through a whole drama with his other girlfriend. We agreed on parallel poly. I never bring dates around him or get physical with other people in front of him. Why is this something that I need to explain? Especially when, as frantic as he seemed, I suspect he knows exactly what was wrong in the first place.
To be clear, I'm not totally against him getting involved with Lucy (if, say, her engagement falls through, which it very well might given her behavior in recent months). Sure, it would be a new challenge to me as I've never shared a boyfriend with a friend before, but I can handle that. What's upsetting me is that first, she's still engaged, and he's all about being ethical, so I don't know how far he reasonably expected that PDA to go. Lucy wasn't even feeding into it since she was perfectly lucid and seemed concerned about my discomfort. So why wasn't George? It's not as though he'd been pursuing something with someone at the bar and then I walked in on it. He invited me there. I really can't make heads or tails of his behavior except that I was being made to feel jealous. He's way too perceptive not to have noticed that both the women in the room were uncomfortable with his impromptu cuddle. I just don't understand why he wouldn't have given me a heads up, whatever his intentions were. I don't feel, as his girlfriend, that I should be in a situation like that trying to figure out what is going on. I don't think it was very respectful.
Any advice? (Besides not behaving like a third grader? That part I know. Lol)
Last edited: