Jah, unfortunately, it didn't happen that we went somewhere else. Ex-lover has reduced contact drastically since I told him. :/
Nest has problems with me bringing ex-lover home n leaves the flat when ex lover n his child visit
- Thread starter diestel
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Jah, it's a very disturbing topic somehow. Because as ex-lover n me, our relationship was (I'm not proud of it; it was very disturbing for me) kept secret from his wife. They had kind of a don't ask don't tell policy. Now they are divorced. With Nest and me it's more like practicing monogamy for an undefined time, to focus on each other n to overcome some of our problems within our relationship to have more energy to focus on us. So basically for getting through a tough period. It's not really the intent. I mean, from my side, reopening under circumstances that feel fine for both of us. But definitely for Nest, he is very open to reopening. Just now, it's too overwhelming. We didn't set any boundaries. We just have a common understanding that, from time to time, we will talk about how we feel about our "new" situation, practicing monogamy.
Yes!!! He couldn't say. He is not able to communicate like that. But this would have made things so much easier, n less stressful!
This was very helpful advice. I told ex-lover he could not stay at our house. We all don't have much money. His flat situation is not stable/child friendly, so that's why usually staying over at our houses was the way to go during a city trip. I'm sure he found another adequate place, though.
I went to coaching and started therapy. I acted on my boundaries to have two separate rooms. (Before, we shared one.) I tried to make regular weekly meetings with Nest happen, and tried to implement RADAR. We did this a couple times, but then discontinued because Nest cannot preplan nor commit to have certain fixed appointments. But now I'm basically just doing my own thing, not relying on him. I also finished a big educational goal to get stable with my career.
Nest moved into his own room. He was insecure about having a room of his own. He never had that before in his life, so it was a big step for him. But now it's great and he enjoys it. He went to get diagnosed, but still hasn't started treatment.
We went on a long holiday together
We didn't set a timeframe for how long we wanna focus on us. I think that's a good point to talk about in future. Thanks for pointing it out!
Is it fine to tell Nest: listen, I need you to get your conditions under management and have your supports in place for staying in a relationship with you.
Thank you all, especially GalaGirl, for your very helpful and practical posts!! I really appreciate it and it's very very helpful for me. I took a long time to reply. The stuff needed time to sink in! 
I'm very glad to be in conversation about this stuff. It's very supportive. As these relationship dynamics started since 8 years non-monogamous, I feel it's important for me to feel still welcomed in this forum, although now I decided to practice monogamy for a time.
Warm greets to all!!
I'm very glad to be in conversation about this stuff. It's very supportive. As these relationship dynamics started since 8 years non-monogamous, I feel it's important for me to feel still welcomed in this forum, although now I decided to practice monogamy for a time.
Warm greets to all!!
Bobbi
Well-known member
But your agreement has. It doesn't matter what you feel inside, what matters is your agreement. Right now you are monogamous. You cannot force your partner to be poly. If you want poly and your partner wants monogamy then you are incompatible.
You cannot manipulate or justify away anything. You need to decide if you are going to live up to your mono agreement or end the relationship. It's clear your partner doesn't want to be poly.
Incompatibilities like this cannot sustain a relationship long term because one partner will always feel unhappy and resentful of the imposition of the others needs.
It seems you are at a crossroads and need to choose.
Glad it helps you some.
Yes. You get to choose what you are and are not up for. If you don't want to date an unmanaged person, you do not have to. If you prefer they get it together before you date them, you can say that. You can request that they do their patient-management work and get on more stable footing.
Do they HAVE to? No, they do not. Their health choices belong to them. At the same time, if they aren't going to do their health things and their patient-management plan, to me, that's a reason to break up.
People can't help having the things they have-- be it diabetes, a heart condition, mental health, etc. I have things of my own. Anyone can have a bad day here and there. It happens. But if they just are not taking care of themselves at all, and taking things out on me, or something, I'm out. I have my OWN mental health to watch out for.
Galagirl
Yes. You get to choose what you are and are not up for. If you don't want to date an unmanaged person, you do not have to. If you prefer they get it together before you date them, you can say that. You can request that they do their patient-management work and get on more stable footing.
Do they HAVE to? No, they do not. Their health choices belong to them. At the same time, if they aren't going to do their health things and their patient-management plan, to me, that's a reason to break up.
People can't help having the things they have-- be it diabetes, a heart condition, mental health, etc. I have things of my own. Anyone can have a bad day here and there. It happens. But if they just are not taking care of themselves at all, and taking things out on me, or something, I'm out. I have my OWN mental health to watch out for.
Galagirl