Nesting Arrangements

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
I am getting curious about other people's housing arrangements.

My husband and I currently share a room (always have), but as we continue our poly journey I am feeling the need for space of my own.
I need a safe spot for me to do whatever I need to. I don't feel I have that now.
My house isn't really set up for that now, but could be.

I'm curious as to how other nesting couples live and also if there are other ideas about building a safe place, a space of my own.

I should mention I have three young kids so I'm never really alone.
 
Can you explain a little more about what you mean by a "safe" place? Is there something about your current situation that feels unsafe? Or is it just the lack of privacy/dominion?
 
Back when my NP and I were talking about buying a house with me, him, and his wife she had stated that she wanted to have her own room. She likes her space and to have her things the way she wants, plus she was hoping for her own bathroom. They're divorcing now (but on good terms as they had been non-romantic partners and she decided that she wanted to live with her romantic partner), but when NP and I bought a house we made sure we had plenty of extra rooms to accommodate poly.

Do you have a guest room or any sort of extra room in the house that you can convert into "your" room? Doesn't have to be a bedroom if you don't feel you need it, but can just be a room for your stuff, projects, hobbies. A place for you to relax and get some you time. If you have a guest room and need to be able to keep it a guest room, maybe you can decorate it or update it so that it can serve as a guest room when needed but also double as a space for you?
 
I haven't officially lived with someone while in an open/poly relationship. But, at this point, having spent 4 years open/poly with Blue, I am clear that the minimum that I would need is either a shared bedroom with my anchor partner and a guest room for entertaining...or separate bedrooms. My personal preference would be a shared bedroom and a separate space/room each for entertaining and/or being alone. I know my limits and sharing my bed with a metamour (without me in it) would only work if the metamour and I were on really good terms. Blue and I were virtually living together...just in two homes, for a long while. I had no issue with certain metamours spending nights at his house/in the bed we shared. But the two he dated that wanted a DADT style relationship, I really struggled with even though it wasn't my house or my bed.
 
MsEmotional said:
Can you explain a little more about what you mean by a "safe" place? Is there something about your current situation that feels unsafe? Or is it just the lack of privacy/dominion?
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Lack of privacy and dominion is what I mean. I need somewhere to retreat and lick my wounds if need be. A place to process, cry if I need to.
Somewhere I can let the yuck out without Dean having to bear witness.
Somewhere I don't have to be with Dean if I'm feeling like I need to be alone.
 
I lived with Fly for eight years, and we each had our own bedrooms. It kind of ebbed and flowed as far as how much I was sleeping in my room, but knowing I had a space all my own was paramount for my mental health.

Sometimes I just needed a place to be away from everyone (we also had roommates and primary custody of his kiddo) where it was quiet. I'm an introvert, so being "on" around people exhausts and drains me.
 
We didn't entertain partners in our home when I was in town. She would when I was out of town. We shared a bedroom but had separate bathrooms. My clothes were kept in the spare bedroom because she hogged all the closet space...lol. I had an office in the third bedroom but we ended up renting that room to a friend.

Ours was a different situation because I was out of town a lot. I'm fairly confident we would never have had other partners over at all if I wasn't. Neither one of us was into the kitchen table poly thing.

If I were to ever get another nesting partner I would probably prefer she had her own bedroom. I would also be fine with her having other partners over as long as I had a TV in my room. And maybe a fridge...lol

I never felt unsafe with my wife so I'm not sure where you are going with that.
 
I'm seeing now that safe is probably not the right word for what I'm trying to express. What I want is a place where I can be free to do whatever I want to/need to without worrying how it affects anyone else.
If I need to cry to process emotions I don't want to do it laying in bed with my husband who's going to feel shitty because I'm laying there crying myself to sleep.
I need a place where I'm allowed to express my feelings without taking the feelings of others into consideration.
I'm also in the process of dealing with feeling like everything in my relationship with my husband is up for grabs so maybe that's where the word safe comes from. I need something that's mine.
 
Spexy has rented the flat next to mine. We live in an area where rent is cheap, so it is a good idea for us. He lives with us when he is here, but the flat is his space and available if either of us need space. So far, with him only visiting, we mostly use it to store extra stuff or for guests, but I imagine once he moves here in a few months, we will be using it more. He will also be working from there.

Alternatively, we are considering renting a bigger home.
 
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Before our daughter was born, Hubby and I had our own rooms. We can't afford 3 bedrooms, though, so now we share and little girl has her room. Hubby is amazingly kind and sleeps in there so Boy can stay over a few times a month.
 
I am in a closed V. My two companions -- hinge and metamour -- are legally/lawfully married, and share a bedroom. I have my own bedroom, with my own attached bath. I have a small bed, with just enough room for me. My computer is here in my bedroom, so I spend most of my time in here.
 
BathedInSalt said:
Lack of privacy and dominion is what I mean. I need somewhere to retreat and lick my wounds if need be. A place to process, cry if I need to.
Somewhere I can let the yuck out without Dean having to bear witness.
Somewhere I don't have to be with Dean if I'm feeling like I need to be alone.
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Ok, that makes sense.

I am surprised at how many people are in situations where they have their own bedroom. I thought I was a weirdo for wanting that too.

Glasses and I share a room, but we don't often sleep together. One of us often sleeps on the futon guest bed or in the kids' room in the extra bed (top bunk). I would LOVE for us each to have our own rooms. In my ideal world the kids would share a room and each of the adults would get their own.
 
I live with Hubby. Until we moved in August, we had a 3-bedroom apartment, and after Alt moved out last fall I transformed their room into sort of a spiritual sanctuary for myself.

We moved into a 2-bedroom, though (couldn't afford another 3-bedroom, and couldn't afford to stay in the one where we were; the landlord substantially raised our rent after five and a half years). One bedroom has become Hubby's computer room, even though it's supposed to be Country's room when she visits from college. We have a futon in there for her if she ever does visit, and Hubby has promised to stay out of that room when she's here.

Hubby and I have always shared a bedroom, and sometimes that's hard for me because I want to be in the bedroom and can't be when he's asleep. But I have plenty of time when he's awake or isn't even home. We almost never go to bed at the same time; usually I go to bed a few hours before him, so I have privacy to fall asleep and/or process my day. I actually have that anyway, even when Hubby's home, because when he's here and awake he's at his computer. We don't have what people might consider a typical marriage; we don't do "couple things." (Other than sex...)

Hubby's monogamous, and asks that I not bring other partners here when he's here, or for anything other than sitting on the couch watching TV. So far, every guy I've dated has had his own place or has shared with a roommate but has had his own room, so seeing my partners elsewhere hasn't been an issue.
 
I don’t ever feel like I need private space. I cohabitate with my two husbands, and they each have their own bedroom, plus another space in the house that is solely theirs. DarkKnight has his home office, PunkRock has an art studio. In our old house, I had the master bedroom and the guys would rotate visiting me every other night and having a sleepover there with me. Now in our new house (we bought one together in January), I travel to a different bedroom every other night.

Edited to add: I have a desk in DarkKnight’s office, and I will soon have a craft space in PunkRock’s studio. I can pretty much use any room I want - if I did feel like I need alone time, I could grab some in whatever room was unoccupied. We have a game room and I sometimes use the table in there to make jewelry.
 
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I'm in an open V and both of my partners have recently moved in with me and we all have our own bedrooms. I don't think any of us would have been willing to nest if we didn't have that. We are all introverts and need quite a bit of alone time to keep our social batteries charged. We also don't keep similar schedules so we generally sleep in our own rooms.

Luckily, I already owned a relatively large home and none of us have children, so it was a pretty easy decision.

We're also considering building a garage with second story guest suite/apartment so we would have a place for friends to stay or if one of us wanted to spend time with someone outside of our V. Alternatively, we're considering a condo or small second home. Either way, I think that we would offer the space on Air-bnb to help offset the costs.
 
BathedInSalt said:
I'm seeing now that safe is probably not the right word for what I'm trying to express. What I want is a place where I can be free to do whatever I want to/need to without worrying how it affects anyone else.
If I need to cry to process emotions I don't want to do it laying in bed with my husband who's going to feel shitty because I'm laying there crying myself to sleep.
I need a place where I'm allowed to express my feelings without taking the feelings of others into consideration.
I'm also in the process of dealing with feeling like everything in my relationship with my husband is up for grabs so maybe that's where the word safe comes from. I need something that's mine.
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It sounds to me like what you really need is your own place. Part of my current dilemma is that I want someone to live with, yet I like the freedom of having my place to myself and doing whatever the Hell I want simply because it is my place. But not everyone has that luxury. Alternatives are various extracurricular activities including different kinds of therapies. Maybe try exploring along these lines: http://livingtherapycounselling.com/catharsis-emotional-release/
 
Knight and I have a 3 bedroom house - one bedroom is for our son and the other two are ours. We *mostly* sleep in the larger master bedroom downstairs, but whenever one of us has a partner over, the person who's solo for the night sleeps in the "guest" room upstairs (guest is in quotes since actual guests pretty much never sleep there). Occasionally one of us will sleep up there randomly otherwise, if we are upset and need space or if someone is sick or has insomnia or whatever.
 
My husband and I have a huge 5 bedroom house. Our two daughters each have their own rooms. And then we each have our own bedroom, there is an extra guest room but it's completely empty right now except for some junk, eventually I want to dress it up nice so people can actually stay in it, lol.

It's important to me to have my own space. I'm very introverted and like to have somewhere that's mine, decorate how I like, organized how I like and where I can just be by myself and quiet. I also *really* like sleeping alone so a couple nights a week I like to sleep there by myself. In addition, since I started practicing polyamory, it became important to me to have that space so that I can host occasionally and welcome those I wish into my space without feeling like I was kicking my husband out of his space.
 
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