You went distant and depressed fighting with the ex over the eldest bio kid. So, your new wife, Dreamy, responded to you being absent in THIS relationship by cheating with Kyle online.
We all came to a mutual agreement of an open marriage after I explained it thoroughly, and made the proposal to my wife.
Rather than end this, you suggested open marriage. That means open for all, right?
The choice for me to remain non-poly is my own.
That's fine. You use your option to date/flirt when YOU feel like using it.
During the open marriage, you flirted with Tulip, who didn't want any. Fair enough. Not everyone will be up for it.
Now Dreamy wants you to take the couch because she found out you flirted when a text notification popped up on your phone and she saw it. She's all mad and says you are a horrible husband. That's a bit much. Total overreaction. You have done way less than she has. If this is an open marriage, flirting IS allowed.
If you are so horrible, why does she want you? Just to hang around paying bills while she does whatever?
I’m weak over the fact she is controlling and manipulative of my emotions. And now I have the choice of staying with this woman or be homeless living in my van and trying to figure out how to keep a relationship with, and financially support my 4 kids.
I'd say take the couch for now, and tell her, "No, open marriage means open for you to date others, and open for me to date others. Even Kyle could date others. It doesn't mean open for just you. All I did was flirt, and Tulip isn't interested. I'm not up for you blowing up at me like that when I haven't done anything you aren't also doing. In fact, I've done less. You let me know when you are calm and want to talk."
Then, while waiting, seek professionals to help you, a counselor, at minimum, so you have support through this process from a poly-experienced counselor.
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
We’re still living together. I won’t damage the kids like that over something so illogical.
But you will keep the kids trapped in this household, where Dad is on the couch and Mom yells/blows up at Dad in overreactions? What's listening to verbal abuse gonna do for the kids? Different damages? They'll grow up thinking this is NORMAL, how people are to treat their spouses/be treated by spouses, so they'll put up with way worse as grownups.
I'm hoping this is temporary and Dreamy gets it together. She's only thinking about her side of poly dating and the "fun" parts of being a hinge. She hasn't done the work on you dating too, or Kyle dating someone else-- the less fun parts.
And you need to do some work on not bending to Dreamy's emotions just because she's a hothead.
If you two cannot work it out, perhaps it's time to talk with a lawyer so you can draw up fair separation agreements. Do a trial separation for a year. See if you can reconcile in couple's counseling, or if this is best ended. Make divorce agreements, if it comes to that.
I'm sorry this is happening like this, though. It sounds stressful.
Galagirl
