New and Confused...

electo

New member
Unlike some others, I am guessing your therapist didn't TELL you you were polyamorous. Maybe they introduced the concept to you and you found it resonated with your feelings.

Howeer, I don't believe some people are "hardwired" for polyamory, and some are "hardwired" for monogamy. From my experience and my many years of reading and talking to poly people and unhappy mono people, I believe it is in human nature, and in the animal kingdom in general, to be promiscuous. All humans at one point or another have been attracted to people other than their committed partner/spouse. But our culture established monogamy (for women at least) many millennia ago. Therefore, with the advent of reliable available birth control, more open relationships are now an option for humans.

Some people prefer the structure of monogamy and some just know no other option, or are not adventurous or brave enough to attempt open relationships. But more and more people are trying it and finding more fulfillment in their lives because of it.
Great point! I've told this to my wife many times in hopes of priming her for a conversation in the future. Also, you're right, the therapist didn't TELL me, it was more of a suggestion as to why I might be acting and feeling the way I do.
 

electo

New member
As other people have said, I think having open and clear communication between the two of you is best. You cannot help the way you feel. Feelings gonna feel, it is what we do with those feelings is what matters. Now, I know divorce is a scary concept, but as someone who has been through it and now many years on the other side, it was probably one of the best things I did for myself. If you are geared towards polyamory and if the thought of remaining monogamous for the rest of your life causes any stress or anxiety, you need to own that. Also is it fair to your wife to be in a marriage where resentments and frustrations may build up over time because you are just fundamentally different on the type of relationships you both want? These are hard questions and I don't know what the answers are for you, but I would give them careful consideration is all. I hope you find a way to deal with this that is healthy and positive for the both of you.
They are definitely hard questions, but also ones that I must look into. Thanks for your reply!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Great point! I've told this to my wife many times in hopes of priming her for a conversation in the future. Also, you're right, the therapist didn't TELL me, it was more of a suggestion as to why I might be acting and feeling the way I do.
But since monogamy is so engrained in our culture, I'm sure you can see why your wife feels threatened by it. She may fear that a gf of yours will try to rope you away from her (we call this cowgirling) in order to receive all the benefits from you that your wife now has. Hardly anyone understands how poly works, so new partners may give lip service to it in hopes of actually getting to be monogamous with you a bit later. This is just one of the challenges of polyamory in our culture as it stands today.
 
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