New and Confused...

E

electo

New member
Hello everyone!

I am a 28 year Latino male, married, and am currently a senior at University. I am so conflicted.

My marriage is based on monogamy and I recently learned that monogamy might not be for me. After speaking with a psychologist, it seems as if I am innately wired to be with or love multiple woman.

I don't know what to do. My wife knows I struggle with a porn "addiction" and that my psychologist says that it isn't an addiction, but more of a sign that I should be polyamorous. My wife shuts the idea down right away (of course I don't say that I want to be polyamorous).

Anyone else out there in a similar spot as me?
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

I think you could tell your wife honestly what's going on with you on the insides.

And if she prefers monogamy and you prefer polyamory? Then you both might have to talk about breaking up peacefully.

Because monogamous her doing polyamory just to please you? That's not healthy.

Polyamorous you doing monogamy just to please her? That's not healthy either.

Maybe you can find a middle space where you can talk to her about your poly thoughts and feelings so it feels more "Open" for you and not like you going around all bottled up. You relate to your spouse more authentically. And you agree not to see other people so it can feel "Closed" enough for her.

If that doesn't work?

Sometimes the last loving act is to let someone go because you are no longer compatible for romance.

And honestly? Better to let go when you are 28, still students, and from the sound of it? Without any kids. Than to drag on and on and have more entanglements making it harder to part.

I get that it might be scary to talk about... but this is your spouse.

If you can't be your honest, authentic self with them... well... why is that?

Galagirl
 
Thanks for the reply.

You're right, it's not healthy... but how can I break it off? We've been married 3 years, together for 9 years. Is this a personal issue? Is there a way to fight how I feel? Or am I really going to have to lose the love of my life?

I just don't know... again, thanks for the reply :)

-electo
 
I mean this kindly, ok?

I see you feel strongly about her. She is certainly "A love of your life." But can you really say that she is "THE" love of your life at 28? You may have many loves of your life. Some you haven't met yet.

If you have been together since late teens or early 20s? Then got married right around 25? Well... the human brain is not done developing til about 25 and some people might be late bloomers. Who you are and what you want in your early 20s is not the same as who you are and what you want in your 30s 40s, 50s, 60s and so on.

You don't have to "lose" her. I'm guessing that you used to be friends before you dated. That was a change. Or got married. That was another change. It's ok to let things change again and sart being more up front and honest with each other. And change again if it is best to become good exes and friends and still be in each other's lives that way if that is the more compatible, loving thing that doesn't squish either one of you into boxes.

As for how to talk and/or break it off? Could make an appointment with a counselor and broach it there. That you are changing, turns out monogamy is not what you want. Is that what she wants? Can she see herself doing polyamory? And if not... best to part ways peacefully then.

I know it's hard to FEEL. But speak your truth and keep things simple.

Nobody is at fault here if you each have grown in different directions. Painful as it is? Better than dragging out, cheating, or making bigger messes.

But you cannot KNOW where she is at without talking. And she cannot KNOW where you are at without talking. Neither are mind readers.

So I encourage you to have the conversations you need to be having together.

Galagirl
 
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Wow, although I already knew this, It hits differently when reading it coming from someone else. I truly and deeply appreciate your time in writing that out.

You are right, and that terrifies me and breaks my heart...

I guess I'll start by having a conversation of how I feel. She already knows about what the psychologist said, maybe I just have to bring to light that I agree with the psychologist.

I guess I'll let you know if I go through with it haha

-electo
 
Maybe start with another appointment with the psych to get your thoughts in order before telling wife the news.

Maybe even write it down and print. So if your words fail you, you can hand it to her to read.

But speak your truth, if even at a whisper. (Or written.)

Galagirl
 
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Greetings electo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You certainly can fight how you feel. The question is, do you *want* to fight it? You are going to have to choose: polyamory or your wife. Unless you can somehow convince her to fight how *she* feels. And I don't know how you can do that. She seems to be very adamant in her position. You are in a difficult spot, I don't envy you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings electo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You certainly can fight how you feel. The question is, do you *want* to fight it? You are going to have to choose: polyamory or your wife. Unless you can somehow convince her to fight how *she* feels. And I don't know how you can do that. She seems to be very adamant in her position. You are in a difficult spot, I don't envy you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Thanks for your words!

Yeah, I gotta figure this out...

-electo
 
electo said:
Hello everyone!

I am a 28 year Latino male, married, and am currently a senior at University. I am so conflicted.

My marriage is based on monogamy and I recently learned that monogamy might not be for me. After speaking with a psychologist, it seems as if I am innately wired to be with or love multiple woman.

I don't know what to do. My wife knows I struggle with a porn "addiction" and that my psychologist says that it isn't an addiction, but more of a sign that I should be polyamorous. My wife shuts the idea down right away (of course I don't say that I want to be polyamorous).

Anyone else out there in a similar spot as me?
Click to expand...
As other people have said, I think having open and clear communication between the two of you is best. You cannot help the way you feel. Feelings gonna feel, it is what we do with those feelings is what matters. Now, I know divorce is a scary concept, but as someone who has been through it and now many years on the other side, it was probably one of the best things I did for myself. If you are geared towards polyamory and if the thought of remaining monogamous for the rest of your life causes any stress or anxiety, you need to own that. Also is it fair to your wife to be in a marriage where resentments and frustrations may build up over time because you are just fundamentally different on the type of relationships you both want? These are hard questions and I don't know what the answers are for you, but I would give them careful consideration is all. I hope you find a way to deal with this that is healthy and positive for the both of you.
 
electo said:
My marriage is based on monogamy and I recently learned that monogamy might not be for me. After speaking with a psychologist, it seems as if I am innately wired to be with or love multiple woman.
Click to expand...

Do you think you are polyamorous because you have the desire to have (or at least permission to have) multiple loving romantic relationships at the same time? Or do you think you are polyamorous because a shrink told you this?

I personally recommend stepping away from what your doctor, your wife, your parents, your friends, and your entertainment are telling you and instead do some introspection on what YOU want. What do you want? Do you want to date the girl who works at the financial aid office in addition to your wife? Do you want to have casual hookups with people in addition to your wife? Do you want to leave the wife and move on to other relationships?

Before anyone can (or should) advise you on how to proceed, you first need to have some sense of what the desired outcome is.

electo said:
My wife knows I struggle with a porn "addiction" and that my psychologist says that it isn't an addiction, but more of a sign that I should be polyamorous. My wife shuts the idea down right away (of course I don't say that I want to be polyamorous).
Click to expand...

What does this look like? Do you and your wife have open lines of communication where you can cover touchy subjects while being respectful and constructive? If you come to her with your thoughts are you concerned that there will be a freak-out?
 
So, you went to see a psychologist for porn addiction, and they told you that you are probably polyamorous?

I think you should try a different therapist.

If you don't want to be polyamorous, if you don't want to date other women, if you don't want to leave your wife...you can stay with your wife, not be polyamorous and not date other women.

But if you genuinely don't want to be monogamous anymore...or if you want a partner who isn't bothered by your porn "addiction"...or if you are beginning to realize you aren't compatible with your wife and don't want to stay with your wife for the rest of your life...well then you can consider separating from your wife.

But I am VERY skeptical of any psychologist telling you you're polyamorous.
 
electo said:
Hello everyone!

I am a 28 year Latino male, married, and am currently a senior at University. I am so conflicted.

My marriage is based on monogamy and I recently learned that monogamy might not be for me. After speaking with a psychologist, it seems as if I am innately wired to be with or love multiple woman.

I don't know what to do. My wife knows I struggle with a porn "addiction" and that my psychologist says that it isn't an addiction, but more of a sign that I should be polyamorous. My wife shuts the idea down right away (of course I don't say that I want to be polyamorous).

Anyone else out there in a similar spot as me?
Click to expand...
Get a second opinion
 
Please don’t base your decision on one therapist who may have his own agenda. You’re 28 for Christ sake. You married too young
 
electo said:
Hello everyone!

I am a 28 year Latino male, married, and am currently a senior at University. I am so conflicted.

My marriage is based on monogamy and I recently learned that monogamy might not be for me. After speaking with a psychologist, it seems as if I am innately wired to be with or love multiple woman.

I don't know what to do. My wife knows I struggle with a porn "addiction" and that my psychologist says that it isn't an addiction, but more of a sign that I should be polyamorous. My wife shuts the idea down right away (of course I don't say that I want to be polyamorous).

Anyone else out there in a similar spot as me?
Click to expand...
Hi Electo.

I, too, had a “porn addiction” during my marriage but in doing the emotional and therapy work I determined it was me fantasizing about loving the second woman. I loved my wife AND felt there was more to experience. Close, emotional connection was my turn on.

I talked it over with my wife. Because she loved me too, we tried opening our relationship, but I had to be patient with her. It took almost four years to turn her on to the idea. Because I am a faithful and honest man, I waited, but I kept talking about what beauty could come. She tried it and liked it - at least the new relationship energy and sex. She could not find another man that she loved. They just weren’t available that way.

I made love to one other woman during that time and dated two others. I, too, did not find love. I found women who wanted me to themselves. I now believe we were looking in the wrong places.

My wife and I divorced amicably 3 years ago as the youngest graduated high school. Although we were not successful finding love in polyamory, I now completely identify with it. She loved me too much to hold me back. Her words. She was so amazingly generous with that. It sent so many tears my way.

I am dating again. First time doing that after the divorce. I told my girlfriend on day 2 I was polyamorous. She had many questions. She tried it too unsuccessfully. We are trying it right now. We are both on trips to see someone.

I can’t wait to have her back in my arms to share the ups and downs.
 
Unlike some others, I am guessing your therapist didn't TELL you you were polyamorous. Maybe they introduced the concept to you and you found it resonated with your feelings.

Howeer, I don't believe some people are "hardwired" for polyamory, and some are "hardwired" for monogamy. From my experience and my many years of reading and talking to poly people and unhappy mono people, I believe it is in human nature, and in the animal kingdom in general, to be promiscuous. All humans at one point or another have been attracted to people other than their committed partner/spouse. But our culture established monogamy (for women at least) many millennia ago. Therefore, with the advent of reliable available birth control, more open relationships are now an option for humans.

Some people prefer the structure of monogamy and some just know no other option, or are not adventurous or brave enough to attempt open relationships. But more and more people are trying it and finding more fulfillment in their lives because of it.
 
Marcus said:
Do you think you are polyamorous because you have the desire to have (or at least permission to have) multiple loving romantic relationships at the same time? Or do you think you are polyamorous because a shrink told you this?

I personally recommend stepping away from what your doctor, your wife, your parents, your friends, and your entertainment are telling you and instead do some introspection on what YOU want. What do you want? Do you want to date the girl who works at the financial aid office in addition to your wife? Do you want to have casual hookups with people in addition to your wife? Do you want to leave the wife and move on to other relationships?

Before anyone can (or should) advise you on how to proceed, you first need to have some sense of what the desired outcome is.



What does this look like? Do you and your wife have open lines of communication where you can cover touchy subjects while being respectful and constructive? If you come to her with your thoughts are you concerned that there will be a freak-out?
Click to expand...
Very great point! This hit me deeply, I will definitely take the time to think about these questions. As far as the communication goes about the addiction, it's not necessarily open. She want's to be able to be there for me, to help me, but she doesn't know how to. To be honest, I don't know how she can help me either, I can hardly help myself.
 
MeeraReed said:
So, you went to see a psychologist for porn addiction, and they told you that you are probably polyamorous?

I think you should try a different therapist.

If you don't want to be polyamorous, if you don't want to date other women, if you don't want to leave your wife...you can stay with your wife, not be polyamorous and not date other women.

But if you genuinely don't want to be monogamous anymore...or if you want a partner who isn't bothered by your porn "addiction"...or if you are beginning to realize you aren't compatible with your wife and don't want to stay with your wife for the rest of your life...well then you can consider separating from your wife.

But I am VERY skeptical of any psychologist telling you you're polyamorous.
Click to expand...
A second opinion wouldn't hurt, but as someone here mentioned, I should start by reflecting on what I truly want. Thanks for the input!
 
Mthood143 said:
Hi Electo.

I, too, had a “porn addiction” during my marriage but in doing the emotional and therapy work I determined it was me fantasizing about loving the second woman. I loved my wife AND felt there was more to experience. Close, emotional connection was my turn on.

I talked it over with my wife. Because she loved me too, we tried opening our relationship, but I had to be patient with her. It took almost four years to turn her on to the idea. Because I am a faithful and honest man, I waited, but I kept talking about what beauty could come. She tried it and liked it - at least the new relationship energy and sex. She could not find another man that she loved. They just weren’t available that way.

I made love to one other woman during that time and dated two others. I, too, did not find love. I found women who wanted me to themselves. I now believe we were looking in the wrong places.

My wife and I divorced amicably 3 years ago as the youngest graduated high school. Although we were not successful finding love in polyamory, I now completely identify with it. She loved me too much to hold me back. Her words. She was so amazingly generous with that. It sent so many tears my way.

I am dating again. First time doing that after the divorce. I told my girlfriend on day 2 I was polyamorous. She had many questions. She tried it too unsuccessfully. We are trying it right now. We are both on trips to see someone.

I can’t wait to have her back in my arms to share the ups and downs.
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing your story! Sounds as if getting my wife involved in my thoughts is definitely the route to go... who would've figured right? lol
 
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