New and frustrated

H

harleyrider1648

New member
My fiance are new to poly and of course are super excited. We both hve been on dates with others but its hard to meet people that totally get it. Most people think its just a swinger lifestyle. We are always looking for places to meet like minded people online. Any ideas besides okc?
 
OKC really is the best option for polyfolk to meet people online. However, if you are *only* looking as a couple and both of you expect to date the same person at the same time, meaning that the person you seek will have to date you both as a package deal, then you will have a much, much MUCH harder time meeting anyone than if you date separately.

If you are both willing to date separately, then put that in your profile, along with an explanation of what poly means to you, and a link to the other's profile - don't have one shared profile for both of you.
 
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If you try FetLife, be aware that even though a lot of people seek and find partners there, if you *say* you're looking for partners there, you'll get a lot of "Fet isn't a dating site, it's social networking for kinky folk, you aren't supposed to try to meet people here."
 
KC43 said:
If you try FetLife, be aware that even though a lot of people seek and find partners there, if you *say* you're looking for partners there, you'll get a lot of "Fet isn't a dating site, it's social networking for kinky folk, you aren't supposed to try to meet people here."
Click to expand...

I try to refrain from saying that it ~isn't~ a dating site, but I do say that I don't ~recommend~ it as such. Mostly because I've seen piles of classified ads come and go, I've seen how they are responded to, and I wouldn't respond to pretty much any of them, myself. Also because the few times I browsed profiles in my area and spotted a likely man and got in touch, it didn't wind up going anywhere productive.

Oddly I find that people on fetlife, for all that the in-person kink community in my area is all about self awareness, self exploration, etc...is chock full of people who misrepresent themselves rather badly. Men who act like they want something poly or even casual, when they are in fact looking for Mrs. True One And Only For Ever and Ever... Even a man whose page was like a full-color, full-page glossy ad for his penis when in fact he had severe ED and couldn't really use it for all that much (he approached me, and we ended up talking...because I was trying to encourage him to come out into the community.)

I've found that in general, I don't care for the ones there who just want to skeeve around on the edges, looking at pictures online, trying to lure people to their homes. I like the community. I love being a part of it. I love meeting new people without the pressure of "you will come to my house to sex me, yes? Rawr." Um...I don't...know you... Many feel that coming out to the social scene is scary. I find that meeting someone to engage in private play is scary. So I don't care to use fetlife as a "dating site"...although my future dating pool is largely comprised of people who are my friends on fetlife. I do however use it to track events where I'll meet said people in reality.

Why is OKC different? I have no idea. It shouldn't be. I guess just because the assumption on fetlife feels like perfect strangers will be happy to engage in kink with other perfect strangers, and it's ok to be as sketchy as you want about it.
 
I think a lot of people assume that if you're kinky and/or poly, you want ALL THE SEX ALL THE TIME and aren't choosy about who you get it from. Especially if you're a woman. I've certainly encountered that quite a bit on Fet, OKC, and AdultFriendFinder, even though my profile clearly states that I'm in two committed relationships and am not interested in casual sex or hookups. (At this point, I think the Fet and OKC profiles say I'm primarily interested in friendships, though I can't remember anymore; Woody talked me into rewriting them a couple weeks ago and I've forgotten what I wrote.)

Honestly, that mindset is what holds me back from attempting to meet anyone on OKC or AFF, or from going to any events other than Woody's monthly karaoke night with the local Fet people. Why waste time trying to find someone when it's most likely going to result in a whole lot of assholes insulting me for having more than one partner?

All of which is off track from the point of this thread...

AdultFriendFinder, which Kevin also mentioned, is primarily a hookup, fuck-buudy, or swinger site. That's another place where you're likely to hear "If you're looking for a relationship you're in the wrong place," because the stated purpose of the site is to find sex, not partners. Though that is where I met Hubby... and both of my ex-boyfriends, each of whom was involved with me for over a year...I met several FWBs there as well, and a few really close platonic friends, though all but one of them has drifted away.

On OKC, I met a guy who became a FWB for about a month and a half, then flaked on me, and that's where I met Woody. Other than them, I've had no luck on there.
 
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IME, finding people online who are even remotely compatible online -- much less IRL -- is a HUGE time-suck.

Eithyer way: the more you expect, the longer it'll probably take. You're super-vague as to whether you're building a commune or hoping for a stable open quad or looking for "the girl of your dreams" to forever be with you in a closed triad.

A memorable one-night stand? Easy.

Months of steady dating? Doable.

One unicorn & done? Well... you got a few years to do little else...?

IME, there's plenty of places I've met people who became lovers -- & this was back in the 1980s which really oughta be considered The Middle Ages (at best!) by polydom. :D We met potential lovers EVERYWHERE because we were open about our lifestyle & willing to discuss it in public -- more than once, a woman would ask US out to dinner to talk more! Some situations we met people --
  • monthly meeting of a local BDSM site
  • local Naturist events
  • nudist camp
  • science fiction conventions
  • Renaissance Festival
  • Morris parties
  • community Wiccan rituals
  • public dances & get-togethers of a local swinger club
  • meetings/get-togethers of gay/lez/bi folk
Not to put a fine point on it: if this poly thing is any sort of burning desire for you, it'll be easy to attend a half-dozen such events by July.

Anna & I were obviously happy together, but NOT in a joined-at-the-hip manner. We were calm, we knew what we wanted, & we were there to relax & socialize so we DID NOT engage in any "better than" debates, & sometimes would skirt around the poly issue & have a pleasant time. Why propagandize? :cool: As often as not, people gossiping (negatively) about our lifestyle resulted in someone thinking "hmm-- that sounds really interesting!"

If your only pool is people who've already made the "leap of faith," odds are a LOT higher that their "dance card" is already full up, & your chance to shine is waaaaay down on their list.
 
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