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polyandanxious

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I am newly questioning my orientation, although I have been drifting steadily towards polyamory for quite a while now. The person who would be my primary is okay with this but under one condition. That she be allowed to see other people sexually. She is demisexual, so she doesn't feel that attraction to people often, but she wants the freedom if I want the freedom to see other people. A big reason why I trust her so much and feel so comfortable around her is because she is a demisexual who desires monogamy, I cannot mentally handle the anxiety that seizes me when I think of her with someone else. I experience this anxiety almost constantly, except when I am with her, because of her being demi and mono. I now have to choose between being with her and letting her be sexual with people and dealing with the mind-wracking anxiety and depression, or being monogamous with her. I love her, being without her is not an option at this point. This is my first time reaching out to any kind of community, I don't know what to expect but I'm lost.
 
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I don't think it's reasonable that you expect your partner to adapt to non-monogamy if you're not willing to put the work in to do the same. If you're not ready for her to be poly, you're not ready for poly. So figure out those insecurities, and work with her to stabilise your mind-set before going there.
 
You don't have to commit to poly or mono as a sexual orientation. Polyamory and monogamy can be choices and you're always free to choose. I was having a grand ole time with poly until I met my current BF a few months ago with whom I feel quite mono. It's just what our relationship wants to be and I feel good about our exclusivity right now. Why do you feel that you have to share your GF with others? Maybe you two would both like to be mono together? That's fine. You still can choose poly again when it feels right.
 
So you're drifting towards poly but get upset over the thought of your partner with someone else? Yikes! You need to work out these issues before proceeding.
 
I agree with others. You are not ready for poly at all.

Poly is a relationship configuration not an orientation. If something happens to Butch I will go back to being monogamous. Murf isn't open to my having other partners. He came into this relationship knowing that Butch wasn't going anywhere but he is not open to me dating while we are together.
 
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So you want to change to a polyamorous model. You find you are willing to go there but not actually able to go there at this time because of you have some anxiety issues causing a road block. Ok. Fair enough. People have things sometimes.

What are you doing to solve the anxiety issues? To me is sounds like you are busy "fueling your anxious-ness" instead of "fueling your coping-ness." How does that serve you well? Don't be cranking your own self up. BREATHE and take a few steps back to gain some perspective.

I have been drifting steadily towards polyamory for quite a while now. The person who would be my primary is okay with this but under one condition. That she be allowed to see other people sexually.
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That's fair. You both having the same right to date other people.

I notice instead of thinking "Great! She's willing to go there. Now we can each assess ABILITY to go there." you take it to the doom place.

I don't know if she has any road blocks, but you seem to recognize you have big anxiety as one of yours. I don't know if you recognize "doom thinking" as another.

I cannot mentally handle the anxiety that seizes me when I think of her with someone else.
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So don't change to a poly model at this time. Because it wigs you out at this time. Be ok solve the wigging out thing first. tell yourself you can handle this. One step at a time.

I experience this anxiety almost constantly, except when I am with her, because of her being demi and mono.
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Sounds like the anxiety has been there even before her. How come?

If you have deep anxiety issues and currently use (her being monogamous to you) as your... rock? security blanket thing? You have come to see her and value her as your coping tool. So of course you wig at her dating other people and maybe breaking up with you. You will be left without your life preserver. How will you cope?

Thing is... if you want to do healthy poly? Or if you want to do healthier mono? You are going to have to change your way of coping. Stop using her for a life preserver.

I think you could work to solve these anxiety issues and learn to be your own life preserver. Learn to provide your own sense of security. Learn coping skills and grow the confident that you can handle whatever comes up in your life and that you will be ok enough, safe enough.

Work to get rid of any old thinking habits that keep anxiety pumped up out of proportion.

That "I can handle things in my life" confidence is like a muscle -- it grows stronger by using it. Taking a risk, and finding out that you could indeed cope. It's not going to just arrive from the sky one day. You actually have to work that muscle to make it stronger.

What do you need to help you work at it? Books? A counselor? Figure out what tools you might need to help you.

I now have to choose between being with her and letting her be sexual with people and dealing with the mind-wracking anxiety and depression or being monogamous with her.
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This is a false dilemma or false dichotomy. You are making it be "this or that" and successfully cranking your own self up about it.

You are failing to see that you could pick choice 3 -- "Change nothing at this time. Instead, first learn to deal with my anxiety issues and learn to be my own life preserver so I don't have unhealthy attachment to my partner as my life raft. Instead have a healthy attachment to my partner as my partner. "

I love her, being without her is not an option at this point.
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So be with her monogamously for now, so you can feel safe enough to tackle dismantling your anxiety issues.

Even if you never learned good coping skills as a kid? Be ok being an adult beginner. Decide you want to learn how to be your own life preserver. Become more healthy over all.

There's no fire here. No alarm. No rush. No hurry.

One can learn to swim safely in the shallow 3 ft end of the pool. Stand up if you panic. And be fine. No need to learn to swim by taking a jump off a cliff into the ocean.

But you do actually have to show up for adult beginner swim class and actually get in the 3 ft end of the pool, right?

Galagirl
 
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Hi polyandanxious,

GalaGirl is right, there is no need to be in a big hurry. Remain monogamous for now. Don't work yourself into a panic. Wait until you've calmed down, at which point take a teeny step into the poly world. Such as chatting with someone online, perhaps even meeting someone for coffee. This means, of course, that she (your primary) will be doing likewise.

You understand, I hope, that it's only fair to let her do whatever you're allowed to do. Your super severe anxiety and depression don't give you a special exclusive pass. What might help is to start seeing a poly-friendly counselor. You can of course also keep posting and reading on this forum, and that might help. But you do have to play fair, that's all I'm saying.

I hope what's been posted so far is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Poly is a relationship configuration not an orientation.
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Can it not be both? My first ever London Poly meetup someone told me some very wise words "if you ask 100 different poly people to define polyamory then you will most likely get 100 different answers". Ever since I've tried to live (and explain it to others) using the broadest and most general of definitions that I can.

Defining it at the individual level seems to me to just be saying "I am a polyamorous person, I believe it is normal and natural for me to love multiple people simultaneously".

Defining it at the relationship level seems to me to be saying "We are in a polyamorous relationship; I am dating x, y, z and my other partners have the freedom to develop other partners too".

Relationships can be open/closed... people can be mono but still be entangled with someone who is actively poly... people can be poly but still be happy dating 1 person or even being single. How we define ourselves and our relationships is our own choice - what's important is developing the skills to communicate what we mean by those definitions.

Getting back on topic - it sounds like you are specifically anxious because your partner identifies as mono; therefore I'm guessing in your mind her developing an interest in someone else triggers your fear of losing her precisely because she has expressed this interest in only loving 1 person at once. I would suggest allowing her as much freedom as possible is the best thing you can do, she will love you all the more for it and may or may not decide polyamory is for her. If you try to control her and deny her this then she will quickly grow to resent you.
 
Also one other point

I love her, being without her is not an option at this point.
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This is a huge amount of pressure to put on another person. I love my girlfriend, but my life does not depend on hers nor her on mine. It sounds like you may be loading too much on to her emotionally which won't be healthy for either of you.
 
Unfortunately, "polyamory" is a term that functions at two different levels. Think in terms of a Venn diagramme.

In the greater sense, "polyamory" contains ALL relational forms that accept responsible nonmonogamy with expectations of clear, open, honest communication. Therefore, "polyamory" contains (for instance) polyfidelity & polyandry & intimate networks & swinging & some expressions of unstructured promiscuity.

But there's also a "polyamory" (for some of us, at least) that attempts to create quasifamilial groupings that might shift & change with time & situation but are still based upon resilient interpersonal ties.

The "100 different people" trope is (IME) stolen from Wicca, & still often a garbage statement, handily justifying some incredible stupidity, as anyone with a two-digit IQ could see as ludicrously self-serving. Firstly, there's a HUGE difference between "anarchy" & "chaos." :D In the broadest sense (to use your term), "polyamory" means ANYTHING BUT theoretical monogamy, which (IMNSHO) is useless, a catch-all. Given that, the impetus for "developing the skills to communicate" is ZERO.

Now, back to the OP. Someone's gonna HAVE to define "demisexual" for me, in this context, because (music wonk that I am) I can't figure out wtf a "half-sexual" is.:confused:

And polyandanxious, I'd need you to tell me why this makes her any different from the REST of us, & (further) why it causes her to deserve special consideration.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Now, back to the OP. Someone's gonna HAVE to define "demisexual" for me, in this context, because (music wonk that I am) I can't figure out wtf a "half-sexual" is.:confused:
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For people who don't want to click links: "demisexual" is called that because it's considered to be halfway between asexual and allosexual (allosexual means, well, the opposite of asexual). Someone who is demisexual does not experience sexual attraction for strangers or random people or, indeed, most people, but first requires an emotional (not necessarily romantic) connection with someone before, sometimes, developing an attraction. Therefore they can experience sexual attraction (like an allosexual person) but are functionally very close to an asexual person a lot (or even most) of the time.
 
Yeah, I was kinda hoping for something clearer or more definitive.

Not putting anyone down. The problem I'm having is that this is how I've always been.

Forty-some sexual patrners may seem like "a lot" to many people, but I've estimated that my opportunities have been easily ten times that, & some of my friends think I'm an oddball, a guy who'd politely decline bedding some incredibly beautiful women.

But unless I feel some clear emotional/intellectual "click" with someone, I just ain't interested. That's why I have much affection for some swingers, but have no interest in swinging per se.

So, either I'm STILL just Not Getting It, or I can't see into the window because I'm already inside.:rolleyes:
 
It isn't about who you have or haven't had sex with, it's about who you are or are not attracted to. The following are not meant as entirely factual, end of story statements, but are how *I* understand the terms, based on interacting with those who identify as asexual or demisexual and on research I've done for my books, given that I have a couple of ace or demi main characters in my teen fiction.

Someone who is asexual, generally speaking (and setting aside subcategories like gray-ace), does not experience sexual attraction to anyone at all. They might have sex, because they're curious or because they want to please a partner or something, but they just plain do not feel sexual attraction.

Someone who is demisexual does not experience sexual attraction *unless* they have first formed an emotional bond with someone. Not "won't sleep with someone unless there's a bond"... does not experience sexual attraction AT ALL. So if you've ever looked at someone you didn't have an emotional connection with and thought, "Hey, she's sexy, I wonder what fucking her would be like", regardless of whether you would be actually *interested* in having sex with her, you are not demisexual. Someone who is demisexual, at least as I understand it, CANNOT experience sexual attraction without FIRST having that emotional bond.

Also, demisexuality doesn't always overlap with other sexual orientations, though it can. Alt identifies as demisexual, but when they have a bond with someone, it doesn't matter whether that someone is male, female, gender fluid, or whatever. In addition to identifying as demisexual, they identify as pansexual, because for them, sexual attraction is purely about the bond, and gender identity, genitalia, etc. are completely irrelevant. Others who are demisexual might also be heterosexual, homosexual, etc.
 
KC43 said:
It isn't about who you have or haven't had sex with, it's about who you are or are not attracted to.
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Didn't I say that...? I thought I was being clear.

I've never understood how someone can desire a stranger they happen to glance walking past. I could appreciate the person's looks, build, gait, clothing, etc., but there was no sexual/erotic urge. I've never understood people who express that.
 
You didn't say that, actually. You said you'd turned down beautiful women and weren't interested in sex with them unless there was a click, but that isn't clearly stating that you don't feel any attraction to them. It's possible to be sexually attracted to someone but not be interested in actually following through with it and having sex with them.
 
But "attraction" in what sense? I am attracted to hang out with interesting people, because they are bright or have experiences I enjoy hearing about or are just entertaining (in a positive sense). The discussion is the point, & I find good discussion to be highly rewarding, sometimes even if it's trivial time-passing chatter.

I also get hung up on the "emotional bond" thing, because that just seems to lead back to the whole "what is love?" round-robin.
 
Apologies, polyandanxious. Back to the OP.

It looks like you have a few options.
  1. end your relationship & go forth into polyamory without anxiety
  2. go forth into polyamory prepared to possibly lose your present relationship
  3. embrace the happiness that you have & set aside the polyamorous stuff
You cannot speak for your partner; for all you know, she might find another lover & discover that she too is quite happy being polyamorous.

The only way that I can see her demisexuality being a factor is that she might have difficulty imagining what it would be like with two relationships. If that's correct, then you certainly can't know better how she will react.
 
Ravenscroft said:
end your relationship & go forth into polyamory without anxiety
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I would not say this is an option. Anxiety usually sticks with you. It is unlikely you find two or more women wanting to be monogamous with you forever, so you are back at the same. Even if they do, you will probably worry that they could change their mind. I would agree with all others to make polyamory a faraway (1 year? 5 years?) but common goal with your wife and work to get prepared for it first by working on your insecurities and getting more independent. You will both need some personal space to be able to make place for new partners anyway.

Is there someone else then your wife, who you are already interested in? What was the impulse for you to want to open now?
 
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