New and need advice...

L

Lostlucy

New member
Hi everyone

I’m 30years old and have a husband of five years and two beautiful children twins who are 1.
While we are quite content in our home lives
Recently my husband asked me about beginning a poly relationship with a
Another woman I was taken by shock and I guess guilt thinking
I was the problem once we ironed out that it isn’t me that’s the problem
He bagan to pursue this other lady while I love him with all I have, I can’t help feeling hurt and a bit jealous I guess.

I explained that I don’t want to find someone else I just want him to be happy whatever or who ever that might entail. He doesn’t want to sleep around
He just wants multiple relationships both sexual and emotional and I don’t want to stand in the way of his happiness

So I used to watch sister wives (probably not the best example) and explained that isn’t what kind of life I want where he will have multiple children with multiple women and all the women are friends (there’s nothing wrong with that at all it’s just not what I want ) I still want to feel in some way special like there’s a part of him that only I have
Sorry I’m rambling now what I’m getting at here is I have no idea how much this will hurt when he officially takes her on as his girlfriend.

Does anyone here have any tips or advice for people who are completely new to this poly lifestyle or better still please tell me my emotions and apprehension are natural
 
It is ok to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want to be doing. I have to love and take care of my own self too."

If you do not want to participate in a poly thing, say so clearly. Then let the chips fall where they may.

Even if it means parting ways because you prefer to have your romances in a (2 people only relationship shape) and he wants his romances to be (more than 2 people shape).

Then he is free TO pursue poly he wants and you are free FROM poly things you do not want. And you are not standing in the way of his happiness. While at the same time not throwing your own happiness and well-being under the bus.

You matter too.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for getting back to me, its not that I am going to throw my happiness away just to suit him and the poly lifestyle. It’s more like I have a fear of the unknown I guess I have no idea what this entails except a separate girlfriend who I won’t be interacting with.

Do you know of any women or men that had apprehension before their significant other began doing this or do you think that’s a warning sign to walk away

I’m just a bit lost in all of this to be honest unsure if my feelings are natural

I also read about rules and best not having them what’s your opinion on them are they more trouble than they are worth or do you use them

Thanks
 
Do you know of any women or men that had apprehension before their significant other began doing this or do you think that’s a warning sign to walk away. I’m just a bit lost in all of this to be honest unsure if my feelings are natural
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Your feelings are normal. A lot of people have anxiety around the unknown. It's common enough. Only you can determine is these are feelings you are willing to experience and process or just skip by saying "No, I don't want to deal in that."

I also read about rules and best not having them what’s your opinion on them are they more trouble than they are worth or do you use them
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Well, mine are few. We don't call them "rules." They are "agreements."

1) Don't lie to me. That's 1 strike I am out. I don't want to deal with a string of lies and weird. Just be up front and we can try to work out whatever it is.

Anything else I'm willing to work out on 3 chances. Because while I believe in second chances, it's not going to be 1000 second chances on the same issue. I need to see it's really being worked on and not like "same old song, different day."

2) Use safer sex practices -- birth control, labs, etc.

3) No pregnancies. Kids are great but I want to be DONE with active parenting not starting over.

4) Don't date messy people. (My boss, my mom, kid's teacher, my roomie, etc.) There's enough people in the world to date without going after the messies. I don't need to get fired because you dated my boss and now they decide to take it out on me.

You sound like you might benefit from some reading. Maybe these help:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
https://www.morethantwo.com/

I would suggest slowing down too. Where's the fire? If you feel underprepared, don't agree to Open just yet.

If you are willing to try but not sure you are able? You could agree to try it for a certain time frame and then reassess if you still want to keep going on not. But be prepared if one wants to keep doing and the other doesn't and it has to come to parting ways.

Galagirl
 
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Lostlucy said:
Hi everyone

I’m 30years old and have a husband of five years and two beautiful children twins who are 1.
While we are quite content in our home lives
Recently my husband asked me about beginning a poly relationship with a
Another woman I was taken by shock and I guess guilt thinking
I was the problem once we ironed out that it isn’t me that’s the problem
He bagan to pursue this other lady while I love him with all I have, I can’t help feeling hurt and a bit jealous I guess.

I explained that I don’t want to find someone else I just want him to be happy whatever or who ever that might entail. He doesn’t want to sleep around
He just wants multiple relationships both sexual and emotional and I don’t want to stand in the way of his happiness

So I used to watch sister wives (probably not the best example) and explained that isn’t what kind of life I want where he will have multiple children with multiple women and all the women are friends (there’s nothing wrong with that at all it’s just not what I want ) I still want to feel in some way special like there’s a part of him that only I have
Sorry I’m rambling now what I’m getting at here is I have no idea how much this will hurt when he officially takes her on as his girlfriend.

Does anyone here have any tips or advice for people who are completely new to this poly lifestyle or better still please tell me my emotions and apprehension are natural
Click to expand...

GalaGirl has some really good advice. I also cover this sort of problem to some extent on the Discovering Polyamory page on the PolyNatural website, but if I were to sum it all up here in a couple of paragraphs, here's what I'd say:

You've basically been sandbagged by your husband with his sudden claim to being poly, and from what I can tell, this is a fairly common problem and IMO it simply isn't fair. The fair and respectful thing to do would be to break it to you through open and honest discussion and give you some time to research, and reflect on it yourself so that you could engage it from an independent, fair-minded, and well informed perspective, before he arbitrarily made the decision to introduce another partner into your world.

However that didn't happen, and as a consequence I think you have every right to feel the way you do, and should be given a medal for being as tolerant and open minded as you are. My advice it to do your best to take the situation in stride while doing your own research so that you aren't dependent on his or anyone else's self-serving perspectives on what it means to be poly, and then engage in open honest communication to hash out any differences you may have.
 
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Thank you for all your advice. I’m going to get reading all these articles and i will come back to you if I have more questions thank you for taking the time to reply to me and for getting me links to read.

Although I would love a medal lol I have always been an open minded person and I wouldn’t never want to hinder someone who is feeling naturally like they needed more it’s just my role that confuses me but I will read up on all you both have given me and if either of you use Skype I can give you my username and possibly talk if I do have more questions

Thanks for your patience guys x Lucy
 
Offhand, Lostlucy, your husband has made a very poor start into polyamory.

First/foremost, either this is a relatively new thought to him & therefore he's poorly prepared to leap into it (& often the "leaping" part is ill-advised anyway)... OR he's been keeping his intentions secret from you for any number of years & is therefore to some degree a weasel & therefore some distance away from ACTUAL polyamory, instead going for "cheating with permission."

In either case, I'm pretty certain he has his head up his metaphoric ass, & you already know more about polyamory than he does. ;)

A wise man seeks advice before embarking on a risky venture. In an ideal world, you would be here because he's already a member (or at least has read a lot of it). If he's NOT here... well, that's certainly a strong indicator.

You don't seem to be nonmonogamous. Nothing wrong with that, & you certainly shouldn't feel pressured to "join the club." ;) Here, you are very welcome to be, just as you are.

However, I would encourage you to spend more time working specifically on what YOU -- as an intelligent individual -- want to do with your life. Your hubby is going to go haring off after the sort of woman who is willing to be involved with a married man & nobody else. (I seriously doubt your husband would allow "his woman," especially a new experience, to have other penises available.)

Some likely outcomes: he tries to lure you into a threeway; he starts talking about the New Girl moving in; he realizes he's incapable of getting another woman's attention, & whines endlessly about it until you want to scream; he suggests that the two of you go hunting together for a New Girl; he suggests you both join a swing club so you can "do something together".

He's brought polyamory into the conversation; that alone has greatly changed the terms of your relationship. He's indicated he intends to proceed; that's a bigger change. If he were poly, he'd know this AND you two would be spending a lot of time discussion the ramifications.

Since it'd be irresponsible of him to shirk his duties to family & home, his absence means you've got more time on your hands... so go DO something with it!! After all, if he leaves you alone with the kids X hours per week, you have a right to similar "time off." Take up a hobby you've always been curious about. Sign up for a class or workshop. Watch a TV series your partner's never cared for but interests YOU. Do this stuff because it might be enriching, enlightening, fulfilling for YOU.
 
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Greetings Lostlucy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Don't worry about your emotions and apprehensions, they are natural. It can be difficult to go into poly, especially when it isn't your idea. It can help to know the basics of poly, read about that at Poly FAQ. Also don't hesitate to post here if you have any questions. Good luck and it's nice to have you aboard.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Santa place

Sorry guys took me a while to get through all the reading material, and I would definitely agree with you ravenscroft I do know more than he does thanks to this forum, I just wrote into google that my husband wanted a girlfriend and this forum came up and I thought who better to ask than people who live this way I would get tre most honest opinions as opposed to biased material by either a male or female who have horror stories or biased by saying it’s the perfect life if I am making any sense

After a long week of tears making up breaking up etc I’m glad that I found this site and joined and so many of you have made such great comments that leads me to believe you understand where I was coming from.

Thank you for making me feel welcome despite me only being his wife and I am not poly but it’s so good to talk to people who are and are giving me a greater understanding poly isn’t for me as in I’m completel content with my life job and children and in past cases my husband lol!!

I thought I would give you all an update of what’s been happening

As I said he is actively pursuing two women now, one of which is a messy one! ( see I’m even learning the lingo ) lol anyway one lives quite close to my house I see her on a daily basis, he wants to take her as a girlfriend

The other lady is from a town nearby and they seem to get along very well over text message etc

Even with all the information I still was hurt I’m not going to lie but he asked me to give him time to prove it won’t affect our home life or if anything at all or will improve it, I was initially hesitant but how do I know that he isn’t right I don’t know that this won’t greatly improve our lives. So I’m giving him time and I will decide if I should stay or leave as he said he isn’t willing to change he has always felt this way and hid it for so long it’s time for him to be him

I’m quite an understanding person and possibly too soft at times but I don’t like people being sad about things that I have the power to change

Ravenscroft you and gala girl did give me great advice you told me to find myself and find my own happiness
I’ve booked airline tickets to a place in Europe I always wanted to go to, and my Mam is taking the twins I also booked Monday off work which I never take days off! I lead a hectic life without my hubby adding to it I deserve this break!

He definitely could have approached the situation better and even read up so he didn’t leave me so in the dark, so I am genuinely so grateful for all of your wisdom, poly isn’t as scary as I thought in my own mind, the fear of the unknown is genuinely a scary thing. Especially to a planner :)lol

Have a great weekend

Thank you folks
 
I totally understand being scared. I was apprehensive when my GF#1 told me that she couldn't live without the girl who is now my GF#2. I had only had one partner at a time. I wasn't in love with GF#2, but we were friends. I accepted her into our bed because I thought I was going to lose my GF#1 if I didn't. My fears were actually unfounded, and I really adore GF#2 after I learned to love her for who she is. Life as a triad has been pretty good. Now I'm facing another change. I think it helps to be a bit openminded.
 
Hey there Lostlucy, glad to hear it has been helpful so far. Sometimes the fear of the unknown can be overwhelming. You are gaining some knowledge of poly, so that helps.
 
I'm glad you are taking a trip on your own. Perhaps it will help you do some soul searching and give you a break from all this stuff.

he asked me to give him time to prove it won’t affect our home life or if anything at all or will improve it, I was initially hesitant but how do I know that he isn’t right I don’t know that this won’t greatly improve our lives.
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Improve it how? You didn't sound unhappy with a monogamous marriage, career or kids.


So I’m giving him time and I will decide if I should stay or leave
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Yup. That's all you can do. Decide if you want to stay in this or not. Esp since this is changing and it is not the marriage model you originally signed up for.

as he said he isn’t willing to change he has always felt this way and hid it for so long it’s time for him to be him
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That would bother me. If he's always felt that why... why wasn't he up front about it to you when you guys were dating? And certainly before marriage?

I am not poly but it’s so good to talk to people who are and are giving me a greater understanding poly isn’t for me
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Well, if you already know it for you... then you probably could bow out of his poly network and steer clear.

I think he's jumping the gun -- trying to date right now when his wife isn't even on board. If he has to drive the Bus on to Poly Town, he could at least stop so you can get off decently if you don't want to go there.

Instead he's plunging on. And not just one lady but two. Where's the fire? What's the hurry?

It sounds like a mess in the making.

Proceed with caution and take care of you and the kids. I could be wrong but Hubby sounds a bit reckless right now. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi Lostlucy - welcome to the forum! As you will have already noted, there's lots of experienced poly folks here - who are usually very friendly and helpful!

Does anyone here have any tips or advice for people who are completely new to this poly lifestyle or better still please tell me my emotions and apprehension are natural
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I came to this forum a year ago for very much the same reason that you did - my wife had asked me to open our marriage to poly so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend (link to full story in signature below). In fact, a great many folks come to this forum for that same reason - their spouse has asked them to open the marriage or transition the marriage to poly. We sometimes refer to it as being "poly-bombed". You are not alone - and your feelings are very natural!

As has already been pointed out by those with more experience than me, you have a number of options - including leaving the marriage, or giving your a husband an ultimatum to drop the whole idea (which very well might also end the marriage), accepting the poly transition and figuring out how to make it meaningful to you, or transitioning to poly yourself as well.

Again, welcome, and best of luck on your new journey! Al
 
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