New and needing advice, input.

[NHGirl16]

Hello everyone.

In July I began dating this guy who waited several weeks to tell me that he is poly. Both of us have had experiences with multiple sex partners at one time. For most of my life I've been in monogamous relationships. Both of us were previously married and divorced.

He has experienced poly relationships in the past. I've experienced threesomes. Lately we've been discussing transitioning into poly.

He says that poly eliminates drama, insecurity, jealousy, singularity and I say that isn't entirely realistic or even true.

I'm wondering what are some groundrules or advice for me. I say constant communication is most important part of this working. Knowledge in advance of a new person coming in is required and not being excluded during sex.

He says I will be a part of this transition and would be considered the primary.

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello everyone.

In July I began dating this guy who waited several weeks to tell me that he is poly.

Wow, did you feel kind of baited and switched that he waited so long?

Both of us have had experiences with multiple sex partners at one time. For most of my life I've been in monogamous relationships. Both of us were previously married and divorced.

He has experienced poly relationships in the past. I've experienced threesomes. Lately we've been discussing transitioning into poly.

He says that poly eliminates drama, insecurity, jealousy, singularity and I say that isn't entirely realistic or even true.

He's selling you a bill of goods. Poly people can have drama, be insecure, and be jealous. Most of the threads on this board are from people (often newbies, but also more experienced ones!) who are dealing with those issues. But one can learn to avoid and overcome these problems with education and experience. You may never avoid every problem. Poly relationships can have just as many problems as mono ones. It's just people trying to get along with each other, after all.

Poly people aren't drawn to being poly because they never experience jealousy or insecurity etc. They are drawn to poly because they find themselves romantically loving more than one. All relationships take work, nurturing and compromise.

I'm wondering what are some groundrules or advice for me. I say constant communication is most important part of this working. Knowledge in advance of a new person coming in is required...

Read the website and the book More Than Two. Read the book Opening Up. Read lots of threads on this board. You can do regular searched and tag searches for topics you are concerned about.

... and not being excluded during sex.

What does that mean? That if either of you finds a new partner, there will only be threesome sex? That's a bad idea. Please clarify.

He says I will be a part of this transition and would be considered the primary.

Sometimes that works, to do everything in one's power to keep one primary. Sometimes secondaries have a way of becoming a second primary, and there's really no denying when those feelings happen.

 

[Nadya]

In July I began dating this guy who waited several weeks to tell me that he is poly.

Could be a red flag, and is at least a yellow flag, so to say. He was not entirely honest with you to start with. Anyhow, he did eventually tell you about his poly-ness, sounds like it happened before you were all too invested in him emotionally.

He has experienced poly relationships in the past. I've experienced threesomes. Lately we've been discussing transitioning into poly.

What kind of poly relationships has he had? What configurations (a triad, a vee, a quad or what)? Were his relationships open or closed? How long did they last? Why did they end? I don't need the answers to these questions, but you do. Ask him, let him explain in detail his experiences.

He says that poly eliminates drama, insecurity, jealousy, singularity and I say that isn't entirely realistic or even true.

Uh-oh! No no no no no. Poly for sure does not eliminate those things, it magnifies them if they exist to start with! Just read these forums, especially the Poly Relationships Corner, and you'll see. More people, more complex situations.

I'm wondering what are some groundrules or advice for me.

Educate yourself about poly relationships. This forum is a good starting point, and Magdlyn gave you a list of good readings.

He says I will be a part of this transition and would be considered the primary.

Well, you two have been dating something like two months... and you'd be the primary? You hardly know each other! That sounds like the bait and switch tactic he is using... Hey, let's change this mono relationship into a poly one, but see - you can be the primary! You are the most important! - and he does not even know you yet!

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Beware. His way of doing things is less than honest, or then he does not really have a clue. Or both. Neither of the options is a good starting point to a poly relationship.

 

[NHGirl16]

Helpful, thank you.

Thank you for the reply. I was indeed put off because "J" waited so long to tell me (@6 weeks) that he was poly. Especially after the first time we had sex we talked about monogamy and he corrected me by saying he preferred to say "monoamory." Then when he mentioned poly I was confused.

We have talked about sex would be a threesome at first to avoid me feeling excluded. This is what I need to feel comfortable so that I can trust the process. I'm sure when I bring another man into the picture I will not want a third, but "J" would be fine with not being there.

Thank you for the input about jealousy, drama. "J" and I have had a couple heated discussions about that and I can't seem to convince him those things are inevitable where there are emotional issues and feelings.

 

[Nadya]

Thank you for the reply. I was indeed put off because "J" waited so long to tell me (@6 weeks) that he was poly. Especially after the first time we had sex we talked about monogamy and he corrected me by saying he preferred to say "monoamory." Then when he mentioned poly I was confused.

Oh. That is bad! I mean, it is one thing to be quiet if a topic is never discussed, and totally another if he deliberately led you to believe he was monogamous. Or monoamorous -- and the next moment he tells you he is polyamorous. That is lying.

We have talked about sex would be a threesome at first to avoid me feeling excluded. This is what I need to feel comfortable so that I can trust the process.

This is a bad idea! So, are you looking for a shared girlfriend who would have sex with you as well? Or a straight woman who would need to be okay to have you present the first time she has sex with her new guy? Either way - not good. And, threesomes like this have the tendency to increase the jealousy and insecurity rather than decrease it. And then, this new person is a person, too! Why would she want to have you there? Why would watching your bf have sex with a new person make you trust the process? I don't get it.

I'm sure when I bring another man into the picture I will not want a third, but "J" would be fine with not being there.

And then you have double standards. You want to have one on one sex with a new person, but won't let him do the same.

 

[NHGirl16]

The way we've agreed to do things is to mutually pick someone we both can get to know, like, love. Sex would include all of us at first. Same applies when we bring in a man. This is what we've negotiated so far.

Building trust, being honest are crucial. I'm not willing to just have him be intimate with anyone without me knowing and or talking with "J" about it first like it's a "free for all."

I wish he had told me during the two months before we started dating back in May that he is poly.

 

[IndieSolo]

Knowledge in advance of a new person coming in is required and not being excluded during sex.

What does this mean? A new person coming in to join you for a threesome? Someone you don't know??? Like he's just going to bring someone random over and you all will have sex?

Are you two under the mistaken impression that polyamory means you both have to be involved with the same person? It doesn't. If you want to practice polyamory, just go and have other relationships separately. Sure, you can meet anyone he's dating, and he can meet your dates, but requiring it to be a threesome so you can each somehow feel better about the other dating is, quite frankly, nonsensical. I don't know who would go along with that unless they only want to be a plaything for the two of you. But that's not poly.

I don't think this guy really has a grasp of what polyamory is, he just sounds like he's trying to convince you to do something he wants you to do. And experience with swinging or threesomes does not automatically equal the ability to manage multiple relationships well.

Eliminate drama, insecurity, jealousy, singularity? What the hell does he mean by singularity, anyway? That you have to do all things together and have no autonomy? Red Flag!!! Besides, drama, insecurity, and jealousy have nothing to do with whether someone is poly, mono, or a swinger - they have everything to do with the personalities and maturity of the people involved. Outside elements do not determine those things, they are all parts of someone's inner landscape.

Expecting someone to behave a certain way in order to mollify your own insecurities does not, in fact, help you understand, resolve, and grow past those insecurities.

 

[Leetah]

If it were me? I would be seriously thinking about putting some breaks on the situation. This is getting a bit rushed and jumbled sounding.

He does not sound very experienced in dealing with one serious relationship, let alone handling the demands of juggling more than one. He seems to either be in denial and caught up in a fantasy, or dishonest and just trying to get his way.

You barely know each other, how could you know if you could even agree on someone else as a partner?

It is not a bad idea at all to discuss what each of you would like and need in a relationship with each other. If you both are enthusiastic about polyamory you can discuss how each of you would like to structure your relationships etc. Discuss, discuss, discuss. Then when one of you meets someone, you will have to do most of that discussion all over again.

I may be reading too much between the lines but you seem to be losing your enthusiasm for this situation and may want to give yourself permission to move on.

Leetah

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for the reply. I was indeed put off because "J" waited so long to tell me (@6 weeks) that he was poly. Especially after the first time we had sex we talked about monogamy and he corrected me by saying he preferred to say "monoamory." Then when he mentioned poly I was confused.

Yeah, that's bullshit, excuse my French.

We have talked about sex would be a threesome at first to avoid me feeling excluded. This is what I need to feel comfortable so that I can trust the process.

There are other ways to still feel close to your SO while he is on a date with someone else. Sharing sex with him and another woman isn't polyamory. It's just threeway sex. BTW, it takes skill for a man to please 2 women. Are you bi? Where are you going to find another bi woman? Or are you straight and she's bi? Or you're both straight? And where are you going to find this Unicorn?

And what if he finds someone he's attracted to, but you don't like her? Or you women get along OK at first, but then one or the other decides she really wants J to herself? Etc., etc. Triads are HARDER than dating separately, and much much more likely to implode spectacularly. Do a tag search on "triads" if you don't believe me. And take the time to read this article "So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter."

http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

I'm sure when I bring another man into the picture I will not want a third, but "J" would be fine with not being there.

Using the term "a third" is a sure sign you and J are guilty of having "couple's privilege." You are thinking of your or his new partner as an addition to the relationship you and J have, rather than a person in their own right with needs and desires and a schedule and a job and a family and maybe a husband or wife or kids of their own. And if your hypothetical new OSOs are poly, they might have a lover as well as spouse already. And their lovers might have OSOs and so on. It's not so simple as "take one newly poly couple, add a 'third' and a 'fourth'" and voila! No jealousy, compersion all the time. Use our glossary to look up compersion if you've never heard of it.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings NHGirl16,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think I would particularly recommend More than Two (the book, and the website as well). Also spend some time reading various threads on these boards. Learn as much as you can about poly; there is a lot to learn.

Hopefully the advice given so far will be helpful to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[AutumnLeaves]

My advice would be to DTMFA. Honesty and open communication are extremely important to navigating all relationships, but especially poly relationships. So far, this guy has demonstrated that he has trouble with both.

 

[NHGirl16]

Thank you!

 

[vinsanity0]

.

He says that poly eliminates drama, insecurity, jealousy, singularity and I say that isn't entirely realistic or even true.

I'm sorry but I literally laughed out loud when I read that.

I think some people may be jumping to conclusions here. Is the threesome idea totally your idea? It sounds like it is. I suggest dealing with whatever insecurities you have in a different way. Your way will most likely end with lots of frustration.

IMO, the best way is to have as few rules as possible. It is reasonable to have rules regarding things like safe sex. It's reasonable to request being informed of new partners. It's not so reasonable to require him to bring every new partner into bed with you. I can't even imagine having to tell someone I'm interested in that they would have to have sex with my partner, nor can I imagine if someone told me that.

The big thing here though is how he introduced you to this. Not very ethical. It makes it even worse that you two knew each other for two months before dating.