New and Scared

Well here is the latest. Brynn went away on vacation last week, and has come back with, she will not pursue this, because she feels it is ripping our "FAMILY" apart. This includes Brody. I thought I would feel happy about this decision, but I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I am not sure why.

With all of this, I have been putting myself and my relationship under a microscope, and am not liking what I am seeing about myself. I do have some fear issues I need to work through. I need to work on my insecurities, as well. Wondering if therapy would be my next step.

Also given alot of thought about the word family lately. If a family is health and happy they show affection towards one another in the forms of hugs and touches and kissing. Maybe if I were to think of it this way, I would be okay with this type of affection. Maybe this would be enough for everyone involved. At least it would be a step in a new direction. I do not want them to think they cannot be affectionate at all. If we are a family, I want us all to be happy, and a happy family is a loving family which shows affection. I myself need to be comfortable with showing affection, and be comfortable with affection being shown in front of me.

What do you all think?
 
Bangel...

In my personal experience, I'm finding that any issue that comes up with poly isn't related to the other relationship itself, but is a light shining on where there is work I need to do. For myself, nobody else. I'm realizing I spent a lot of time not dealing with things completely, and they're finally coming back and begging for attention.

This is a GOOD thing.

It might be best not to try to do nonmonogamy while you and your relationship is not on a sturdy foundation, or maybe it is. We're working with both right now, and it's doable, but then I've been non-monogamous in mindset for a long time. What I'm finding is that this is an opportunity for me to delve into what's going on with me. What's causing my insecurities and fears, what have I not been dealing with. Nowadays I'm a bit more stable, but it's up and down right now, and I think will be as I work on myself more. But I think sometimes, had we not chosen this way of life, I could have gone on for years pushing through emotion instead of experiencing it, and clinging to my partner instead of cherishing him and learning to cherish me.

How sad would that be?
 
May I suggest the reason you don't feel as good as you thought is because you can't unring the bell? Her desire to be with someone else is still there. She just doesn't want to lose the family over it. And you're still left reconciling the "Why wasn't I good enough?"-type questions. Will this come back in the future? Is this really dead, or just kicked down the road?
 
dingedheart said:
may I suggest the reason you don't feel as good as you thought is because you can't un ring the bell. Her desire to be with someone else is still there....she just doesn't want to lose the family over it. And your still left reconciling the why wasn't I good enough type questions.... or will this come back in the future?....is this really dead? ....or just kicked down the road.
Click to expand...

I second this.
 
Not as new, but still scared

It has been awhile since my last post.

The world around me is falling down. Brynn has decided that she cannot handle trying to make everyone happy and be supportive of everyone else. She has been in a terrible mood these last couple of days, always angry not really talking. feel like I am walking on eggshells all day around her so as not to upset her. I feel that if I do one more thing wrong, that will be the last straw.

In many ways, I just want this all to end. I have never felt so depressed and uncomfortable in my own home, and it seems the same for everyone else. Our house use to be fun and happy and has turned into this house of sorrow and contempt. Relationships are falling apart and I see my future being alone left with nothing but this deep feeling of disappointment.

The friendship with Brody has become very little, if anything at all. Now the other friends are getting wind of what is happening in our home and they have rather strong feelings about the situation. All are against this and cannot believe I am still in the house or the marriage.

I love her so much, but I am now wondering if I am the one for her. It just seems I keep messing up and she just gets more and more upset with me. Maybe I am just not cut out for relationships at all. If this marriage crumbles and falls apart, I do not think I will do this again.
 
Is it possible for you and the kids (if any) to leave?

Let her figure out what's important, how she sees her future and what role she see you having.

I wouldn't worry about walking softly as to not upset her. She angry at herself, at you, her life choices, your life choices.

If you haven't already tried this, seek marriage counseling. Her not talking will make this hard to solve.
 
There are no kids. But what I do worry about and I find that most of my day is now filled with, is that Brody lives right upstairs from us, so me leaving just feels like I am giving them what they would want, which is unlimited time alone. I feel I would just be forgotten about.

I know I need to start worrying more about myself, and working on trying to make myself happy, but she has been such a big part of my life for so long that now my happiness is connected to hers.

I have approached the subject of counseling. She feels she would not get anything out of it. But I should probably go because she feels I could use it. Maybe she is right.

This whole thing has made me question what kind of man I am. Do I stand strong in my beliefs and ideals, or do I pretend that I am okay with this for her sake? Then I worry, would I be able to come around, or just quietly hold everything in, just for her sake? Where do I go from here?
 
I think it's pretty telling that she feels this is your problem. Deal with or don't, she's made up her mind. I think you should go talk with a counselor, if for no other reason to get your happiness untangled from hers. And there are such things as dealbreakers. Maybe if she is unwilling to go as a couple, at least she could put things on hold until you had a few sessions to talk with someone. Perhaps run that by her. This will also give you an indication on how willing she is to negotiate, and/or her commitment to your relationship.
 
Bangel said:
I have approach the subject of counseling but she feels she would not get anything out of it, but I should probably go, because she feels I could us it.
Click to expand...

To me, this says she just doesn't give a shit about your relationship. I agree with dinged. Go and get your happiness untangled from hers. Unfortunately, I had to make counseling our dealbreaker. I said on a Monday, "We have an appointment on Wednesday. Go with me, or divorce paperwork is filed on Thursday." He went.
 
Bangel,
Do you really feel you would "just be forgotten about"?
Do you feel you've made no impact on her life, on her heart?
Do you believe she could be happier with the man upstairs?

If you believe these things deep in your heart, leaving may be something to consider. But if you doubt them, I'd say stay. Stand firm, if you really believe your marriage is worth it. Focus on yourself; try to be patient while she figures it out. Pick up a new hobby to keep your mind occupied. Would that hurt you, to do something you're interested in? And I'd definitely go to see a therapist, whether she goes or not. I've never heard of anyone regretting their time spent talking to a counselor, trying to discover more about themselves. It can be VERY beneficial.
 
Thank you for the insight. I know I have made a impact on her life because on many occasions she has told me, "If I wanted to leave, I would." I know she loves me. I hope she would not leave me for the man upstairs. (I like that. :D )

As for coming up with more hobbies, it is hard for me to concentrate on other things while living in limbo like this. I think I will see about getting an appointment with a counselor, for my own benefit.
 
IMHO, your wife should definitely be willing to see a therapist with you, even if you begin to see a therapist on your own and bring her to a session or two. (My therapist offered this as an option when I talk about problems with my husband.) If she truly loves you and wants to continue in a relationship with you, she should be willing to work through this WITH you.

I have no experience in poly, but have begun to consider it. I believe my husband is mono like you. I haven't breached the subject with him yet.

I would really like to see things work out for you! The fact that you are still with her says a lot about your love for her, and I think that could be your "bargaining chip" to get her to a therapist with you. "I'm still here, and I'm still trying. Please do this with me, for us," or something along those lines. Please keep us updated.
 
Bangel,

I've glad you've found a forum with so many supportive people.

I am also a mono husband who has had difficulty dealing with my wife's poly inclinations. (but the other guy wasn't living upstairs...yikes!)

I don't have much more advice to give you about your relationship. It sounds like you're doing the best you can to understand your wife's feelings and to be accommodating to her. Don't blame yourself that you honestly feel distressed about sharing her with someone else. Some couples take years before they feel comfortable opening up their relationship (and some couples can't do it at all - that is OK too)

Try to love yourself and be good to yourself. I know this situation is freaking you out, but it's not the whole of your life. You can keep a kernel of self-love alive in even the most desperate times. Try to find that in yourself, and keep that going.

Instead of picking a hobby to distract yourself (i.e. pretend the situation doesn't exist), maybe try an activity that drives you deeper into yourself? Something that lets you focus on yourself, give free expression to, and release some of that pain. I've personally found physical exercise (jogging, weight training, yoga) as well as meditation, and creative activities (playing a musical instrument, writing in a journal, sketching, drawing, etc) to be very helpful. If I had to pick 3 things I would say that yoga, journal writing (sometimes after a few beers), and meditation have been the most helpful.

The more you can love yourself, and be a friend to yourself, the easier this transition will be.
 
Hi Bangel, Your posts have really struck a chord for me.

My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have definitely had our ups and downs. For the most part, we have a very good marriage and happy family. We have a son (2), a daughter (6), and another daughter (15) who is mine from a previous relationship but considers my hubby her father.

Through the years I have developed feelings for other men (twice to be exact). The first time this happened I ended up cutting ties with the other guy in order to keep my marriage intact. I also have to mention that I never had physical affairs with either of these men. Currently, I have met another gentleman who I find intriguing and interesting. We have much in common as far as our interests go and this is how we happened to meet each other. After over a year of texting and chatting over the internet (he lives in another state, but we have all met in person as well) our relationship evolved. It was completely unintentional and actually seemed quite natural. Behind my husbands back we began having some pretty heavy conversations about our desire to take things further. Included in these conversations was my desire to be honest with my husband and an evolution of my beliefs on monogamy etc. I have pondered open marriages/relationships in the last few years, but this is the first time I seriously started considering it and actually began voicing it to someone (which felt amazing and freeing). Unfortunately, my husband found out what was going on before I found the courage to be honest about what I was thinking and feeling. Included were some pretty explicit photos said gentleman sent me on my cell. When my husband found out what was going on I leveled with him immediately. I think he and I both love each other very much and we are both very committed to our marriage, this helps very much as each of our feelings get much consideration. I am not saying we haven't had moments of anger, fear and irrationality but in the end our love does bring us back to neutral ground. I do not want to lose him, but I have to be honest. I am afraid if I am not this will be a continuous cycle in our marriage. I honestly believe we will be able to achieve some common ground, but this process is scary most definitely.

The first thing we did was order the book "The Ethical Slut". We have been reading the book together. I think it is somewhat helpful, but the hubby is having a really hard time understanding it all as he is also a "mono guy". To be quite honest it has been hard for me to digest it at times. Thinking about it, is much different than acting on it. I am still in contact with the other man, but we have cooled it quite a bit. We both feel it is pertinent that we give my husband the time he needs to make careful and rational decisions in this situation. I have no intention of acting on these feelings until we are all on the same page, I am not sure at this point if that is even an achievable goal. My husband has had a very difficult time with my unwillingness to cut things off completely with the other gentleman until we figure this out. I will not commit to that as I feel it is very important at this point to be painfully honest, part of that is the fact that I want to continue a relationship/friendship with said gentleman whether or not we are ever able to take it to the next level. There is a physical attraction but beyond that and prior to all of this he and I had established a pretty solid friendship. On the flip side of that, if my husband demands that we have no communication in order to save the marriage I will conform. My husband and children are my world and I am willing to walk away if I have to, but I feel in all fairness and for my happiness and benefit this is something that needs to be explored in order to ensure we don't create anger and resentment in our marriage. I also truly believe in the end, if we allow it, we will only be closer and have a much more honest foundation. I have truly felt relief and closer to my husband since sharing these feelings. I'm out of the closet and I am ready to be honest about this.

The reason I am sharing this with you is because, much of what you have stated here are the exact fears my husband is experiencing. I believe you two have much to offer the mono partners here, also each other and to others here that are seeking a polyamorous lifestyle. Although I understand where my hubby is coming from, seeing how you were responding to all of this helped me gain more insight into what my husband is going through. I want to go through this with him. I don't want him to feel alone as you have, he and I are just learning about this .... it's going to take time and I am more than willing to take things slowly. We aren't in a hurry. After all we are adding (or maybe not) an entirely new dynamic to our relationship and it needs careful consideration and intense dialogue so all involved can be comfortable and informed.
 
Bangel I hear what you are saying. Fellow mono here. I am not married and kind of ended up in this by pure happenstance. I went through the same issues. Analyze every thought and feeling. Really it will take time but in the long run it will help. Read Read Read and Talk Talk Talk. I lost my mind before my SO saw her other partner once, she barely even talked to me for the weekend. It was horrible when I went through it. I managed to find out the roots of my problems, fear of being replaced/left and am I enough. Talk to her about your fears. Tell her they are very real and ask her to explain things to you. Hearing how different the other relationship was helped me out. I am in no way 100% ok with it, probably 80-85%. Tell her what you will need out of the relationship if she is going to be with the other person. I am not saying you ever have to get on board, you are within your right to tell her this isn't for you. But if you are willing to try here are some readings that will help, xeromag.com and The Ethical Slut. I like the Ethical Slut, in the chp about jealousy they actually wrote about the arguements and pain, it let me know that I am not crazy and I am having a normal reaction. It seems like you have done what I did. I was angry and lashed out. Rightly so, but try to filter (extremely hard for me) what you are going to say. Let that angry snappy phrase roll around in your mind for a few seconds before you fling it like a dagger at her. Most likely you will change the wording so you don't hurt her. She isn't doing this to hurt you, remember that, so don't try to hurt her just because of the way you feel. I learned this the hard way. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.
 
Every day is getting harder and harder for me, I now realize I am probably the most disliked person in my house. Think of taking some time away and seeing where the cards fall. I know she loves me, and I love her, but have such difficulty thinking of her with someone else. If she would be at least happy with him, then maybe that is where she belongs. I do thank you all for your support and kind words of encouragement, but this is not the life for me. I wish all of you the best in your love and lives. I hope you find happiness.
 
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