New and Scared

[Carma]

It sounds like you really love this woman. Nothing wrong with taking some time off. Nothing wrong with staying put, either. You're caught in a whirlwind. It's not easy. This is an intense love.

"Time away" can be ONE HOUR with a caring counselor. And you CAN go alone. Why not? A counselor can help you sort through some of your thoughts, won't judge, and won't be involved in your life personally so will have an objective point of view. Why not go and get some perspective?

I went to a therapist for years before my husband finally came with me. Then we went together, then to another therapist together. It was when my husband finally went by himself that I got intensely curious!!! Suddenly I became very interested in what was going on in his head, in his heart. It was kinda cool the way that happened. A nice by-product of the help he was getting for himself. Which in turn strengthened our relationship, too.

It's scary to make that first call, go to that first appointment. But with all you're going through, I think you might find it a huge RELIEF, not to be carrying all this around in your head all the time. What have you got to lose? It's cheaper than a divorce.

 

[Bangel]

Carma and DingedHeart, the two of you have helped me the most in the troubling months and I thank you for that.

Carma, your story touches hit close to home for me. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Dinged, you seem to closely match how I feel, I started to read your thread on the Restless Heart Syndrome and it was like reliving the many conversations I have had with my wife. Thank you for the encouragement to go out and make myself happy. That is what I am going to do.

 

[hoorayjeebus]

My thoughts are with you. Best of luck.

 

[dingedheart]

Bangel, I'm honored that you found some support or encouragement from my comments. Life is a journey. Why not look forward to the next beautiful destination? I think you will find moving forward toward finding your happiness will feel better and take less effort in a short amount of time. This very simple mindset has worked for me. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Bangel]

Another hard day, it has come down to decision time. I cannot be what she wants or needs me to be. I have told her she needs to decide. I told her I love her and whatever decision she makes she will always be in my heart. I hope she chooses to stay with me, but I cannot make her. I know I will be fine some day and I know she will too. I just thought it would be the two of us until the day we die, but maybe it does not always work that way.

I told her yesterday that I would not be happy until the choice was made. I told her if she thinks being with him will make her happy because he is willing to do this for her, then she should be with him. If she thinks she can make a go of us, then I would be more than happy to help her through this.

We have both been reading the Book "Opening Up," and in it we read about how the dynamic between two heterosexual males and a women is the hardest triad to work at. I guess I am just old fashioned, close-minded, or just so insecure that I cannot handle this. I am not okay with my wife having an intimate relationship with another person.

 

[Allstar]

It is never easy making someone decide anything, but you will have your answer soon. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Critter]

Bangel, my husband could have written much of what you wrote. The first couple of months were hard. They still are. What is different for me, is that my other person is a woman.

My husband is mono, and certainly goes through swings. Way back in the beginning he used to call us cute, and say that we looked really happy, and then two days later would ask to walk out of our family's life.

I stick to my guns about something every day-- my husband gets a more honest wife. I do not hold anything from him, feelings for others included. However, he also knows that if it were not this woman that I was with, it would not be anybody. He is very aware of this.

He gets scared. He feels replaced. He feels as if my life would be better without him. I blame a lot of those feelings on clinical depression. There are days that he is an emotional mess because of the luggage that he carries around from prior parts of his life.

He also has a hard time with follow-through. E.g., he has wanted to get away for some time. My newer partner decided that we (she and I) were going to go off to the beach. Within 24 hours, the hotel was booked, and my flights were arranged. I think I have waited 24 + weeks for my husband to plan SOMETHING special for the two of us.

Being poly helps me understand my flaws and who I am as a person.

I am very glad that my husband now has a "relationship" with my OSO, and that the three of us work together as a functional family.

 

[Magdlyn]

Another hard day, it has come down to decision time. I cannot be what Brynn wants or needs me to be. I have told her she needs to decide. I told her I love her and whatever decision she makes she will always be in my heart. I hope she chooses to stay with me, but I cannot make her. I know I will be fine some day. I know she will too. I just thought it would be the two of us until the day we die, but maybe it does not always work that way. I told her yesterday that I would not be happy until the choice is made. I told her if she thinks being with Brody will make her happy because he is willing to do this for her,then she should be with him. If she thinks she can make a go of us then I would be more than happy to help her through this.

Bangel, I just saw this thread. My heart goes out to you. I understand you believed in "happily ever after." One gets programmed to believe once one is married, you and your spouse will love each other forever, just like you felt in the beginning of the relationship. Mate for life. Never change.

The reality is, people do change and grow, daily even.

May I ask how old you two are and how long you have been together? Since you mention not having kids, I know that could be a conscious choice, or fertility issues, but I wonder if it's because you two are young and have not been together all that long.

What happened to your idea of going to individual therapy? When my ex husband and I first tried poly, and he and his gf fell deeply in love, I, like you, got so depressed and floored by their NRE, I totally lost it. I was a basket case. I could barely get out of bed all day, and I've never cried so much in my life. My ex actually made the therapy appointment for us because my depression scared him so much. We both went to couples counseling for a year, and I ended up going to individual therapy for three years as well. He also went to individual counseling for a year. So for a year we both had two appointments a week.

We had a great therapist who was open to, and informed about unconventional alternative love styles and lifestyles in general.

I also went on an anti-depressant for the first year of therapy, which calmed me down a lot, enough to be able to delve more deeply into my issues in a more rational manner.

It is true, we have both been reading the Book "Opening Up" and in it we read about how the dynamic between two heterosexual males and a women is the hardest triad to work at. I guess I am just old-fashioned, close-minded, or just so insecure that I cannot handle this. I am not okay with my wife having an intimate relationship with another person.

I am glad you're reading Opening Up.

I think that is a good insight. Yes, you are "old fashioned," i.e., stuck in the patriarchal mindset that you own your wife and have first dibs on her love.

Ironically, in my case, I was the more poly of the two of us. We were mono with each other for 20 years before we tried opening our relationship so I could explore my bisexuality. The woman my husband fell for was supposed to be *our* unicorn, but she didn't end up having romantic feelings for me, just for him.

I'd always had poly feelings, but always tamped them down because society told me it was wrong and sick to love one's spouse and still get romantic/sexual feelings for others. But when my ex husband fell for a woman it shocked and surprised both of us!

Now you are giving Brynn an ultimatum-- "Choose him or me."

Take it from me, if she chooses you, your feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem will not go away. I made my ex husband and the woman break it off (veto) and he resented me for doing that, even though before we started with the woman, he told me he'd stop any relationship if I weren't happy with it.

It is extremely awkward that Brody lives right upstairs, lurking over your head 24/7, you knowing Brynn craves his company and he is so close by.

However, I bet Brynn has lost some respect for you, if you constantly present as needy and clingy and fearful and unconfident in her love for you.

Please go find a counselor. Work more on yourself, instead of clinging to your rocky relationship like a drowning man clings to a small raft. Even if Brynn feels forced to choose you, you two won't go back magically to the way you were. The barn door is open, the horse is out.

*hugs*

 

[Minxxa]

Bangel, I just saw this thread. My heart goes out to you. I understand you believed in "happily ever after." One gets programmed to believe once one is married, you and she will love each other forever, just like you felt in the beginning of the relationship. Mate for life, like swans. Never change.

The reality is, people do change and grow, daily even.

May I ask how old you 2 are and how long you have been together? I wonder if it's because you 2 are young and have not been together all that long.

What happened to your idea of going to individual therapy?

We had a great therapist who was open to, and informed about unconventional alternative love styles and lifestyles in general. I also went on an anti-depressant for the first year of therapy.

I am glad you're reading Opening Up.

I think that is a good insight. Yes, you are "old fashioned," i.e., stuck in the patriarchal mindset that you own your wife and have first dibs on her love.

Ironically, in my case, I was the more poly of the two of us. We were mono with each other for 20 years before we tried opening our relationship so I could explore my bisexuality. The woman my husband fell for was supposed to be *our* unicorn, but she didn't end up having romantic feelings for me, just for him.

I'd always had poly feelings but always tamped them down because society told me it was wrong and sick to love one's spouse and still get romantic/sexual feelings for others. But when my ex fell for a woman it shocked and surprised both of us!

Now you are giving your wife an ultimatum. Choose: him or me. Take it from me, if she chooses you, your feelings of insecurity and low self esteem will not go away. I made my ex and the woman break it off and he resented me for doing that (even though before we started with the woman, he told me he'd stop any relationship if I wasn't happy with it).

It is extremely awkward that this guy lives right upstairs! Ugh... lurking over your head 24/7. Knowing your wife craves his company and he is so close by.

However, I bet your wife has lost some respect for you, if you constantly present as needy and clingy and fearful and unconfident in her love for you.

Please go find a counselor. Work more on yourself, instead of clinging to your rocky relationship like a drowning man clings to a small raft. Even if your wife feels forced to choose you, you two won't go back magically to the way you were.

Mags, I totally agree with you on many of the things you say here, but I have a basic disagreement with one part.

I do agree that people definitely do change on a regular basis. This is life, and fighting it is most certainly pointless. Hopefully the people we choose to pair with either change with us or accept our changes, and vice-versa. However, this doesn't always happen. The time can come when as much as you love somebody you can no longer be with them, because the changes have taken you two different directions.

I also agree therapy is definitely a good idea! Having somebody else listen with no judgment to your thoughts and feelings and help you work through and clarify them and sometimes give you a good wake up call is a great experience. No matter how things work out, having that help is really beneficial. And getting emotionally healthy will help in the long run, because it makes it easier to be a good partner in a relationship if you're coming from a place of being a whole, independent person on your own, instead of looking for a partner to complete you.

The part where I disagree is in calling him old-fashioned because he cannot be polyamorous. I don't think it's a matter of being "patriarchal" and claiming her love, I think it's a matter of being monogamously oriented. I know a lot of women who are the same way, and it's not because they've been trained by society to feel that way. They are some of the most out of the box, strong, independent women I know, yet they are monogamous. When they fall for someone and are in a relationship, they do not want anyone else, and they want someone who is the same way. I don't see this as old fashioned anymore than I see polyamorous as being more enlightened. It just is the way they are.

I also don't think he's giving her an "ultimatum". He's figured out that he is monogamous and he can't be any other way and letting her know this. It's a boundary. This is who he is, he can't be anything else. He's standing up for himself and what he wants with his life, knowing that she will most likely not be able to do that and will leave.

I remember a long time ago I sat down with my hubs (then BF) and told him that I could no longer be in a relationship with him because of his lies. I had no trust in him, and was second guessing everything he told me, and turning into a crazy woman. I didn't like myself that way. I realized that I required honesty in my relationships. I just couldn't live without that.

He told me I was giving him an ultimatum. Um, no. I am saying I can't be with you because you lie. If you want to stop lying we can continue, but if you choose not to (which is your right), I can't be with you.

I see this as the same thing. Ultimately this lifestyle is not for him, and he knows that. And that's okay. And he knows that this might be the end of the relationship, which is sad, but they will both continue and be okay in the end.

Honestly, I think doing the work and realizing what you can/can't do and standing firm on that is much healthier than going through with things that you really, down deep, don't want to do. Realizing there is a basic incompatibility is not a bad thing. It's sad, and it doesn't change how much you love that person, but I see it as much healthier than forming yourself into a person you're not to keep someone you love. Because in the end that won't work out either.

 

[Magdlyn]

Minxxa, you may be right, you may be wrong. However, Bangel has only been dealing with this situation for 4 months. And as others have said, he entered into this the worst possible way, with no former discussion of opening the marriage, just becoming aware his wife had fallen in love with his best friend.

We know many monos take much longer than 4 months to adjust to poly, even when it happens the "right" way.

We don't know what needs Brody meets for Brynn that Bangel doesn't meet. I don't know if Bangel or even Brynn know that! Therapy could determine that.

Honestly, I think doing the work and realizing what you can/can't do and standing firm on that is much healthier than going through with things that you really, down deep, don't want to do. Realizing there is a basic incompatibility is not a bad thing. It's sad, and it doesn't change how much you love that person, but I see it as much healthier than forming yourself into a person you're not to keep someone you love. Because in the end that won't work out either.

I don't really think Bangel has "done the work." He's just reacting and flailing. Not that I blame him. This has been a huge shock. I do wonder how long they've been together and how intimate emotionally they really were to have this come so out of left field.

 

[Bangel]

Critter, thanks for your story, I would hate to say that if it was a woman coming into this, ( not to sound sexist or anything ) it might be easier than another man. I still think I would have some fear issues and feelings of loss but in no way would I feel so competitive or compare myself so much. There would be a chance for me as well to develop the same feelings for her. Here I am the one on the outside standing in looking at something that was once only mine and hers and now she wants to share this with someone else. This is a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes no matter how much sugar you use the medicne will not go down.

Magdlyn, I am 35. Brynn is 41. We have been together for 8 years total and married for 4. As she tells the story, Brody has been in both of our lives for about the same time. He was my best man at my wedding. As for kids we both have on but from different people. There has been discussions about having kids, but that point is probably not even of consideration anymore, until this is all sorted out anyway.

As for therapy, I am still planning on going, but the first appointment fell through and I'm waiting on another appointment. I know I still need this for myself. I will go, no matter what happens with my relationship.

I am clingy and attached. Probably even more so now than in the past. This type of situation does make you look at every aspect of your relationship and where you think it has gone wrong. Could I have stopped this? Did I cause her to look elsewhere for love? Why did we stop making out? What should I have done differently? I did ask her this one, and she told me, do not let your friends move in with you. That is one I will take to my grave.

I am a worrier, always have been. I want her to be happy, but this lifestyle is not for me. I need someone that wants to be with me and only me, not because she feels she has to, but because she wants to.

Minxxa, you are right. I have not given an ULTIMATUM. I am finally standing up for what I want.

I have read and read and talked and talked and I do not see anything good from this for me. All I see is loss and loneliness. I see someone else doing what should be my job, which is to make her happy. I see her trying to force something on me ( maybe force was to strong of a word) that she feels would be wonderful. I see how it would be wonderful for her and him, they get what they want with no feelings of guilt if I say yes. "Well, you said we could so here we are!"

I guess I just ask too many hard questions. How does this work? Is there a schedule? At family and friend functions, who will she be with? Or do we all stay disconnected until we are alone again?

I do not consider her my property or that I own her. She is her own person and is able to make her own decisions. I just need to know if she will choose him so I can start my life over, or if she chooses me we can start our life again. I know either way is not what she wants or planned on. Neither was falling in love with him. But such is life. Sometimes it just does not work the way we want it to.

 

[Minxxa]

Minxxa, you may be right, you may be wrong. However, Bangel has only been dealing with this situation for 4 months. And as others have said, he entered into this the worst possible way, with no former discussion of opening the marriage, just becoming aware Brynn had fallen in love with his best friend.

We know many monos take much longer than four months to adjust to poly, even when it happens the "right" way.

We don't know what needs Brody meets for Brynn that Bangel doesn't meet. I don't know if Bangel or even his wife know that! Therapy could determine that.

I don't really think Bangel has "done the work." He's just reacting and flailing. Not that I blame him. This has been a huge shock. I do wonder how long they've been together and how intimate emotionally they really were to have this come so out of left field.

I do see that there really hasn't been enough time to adapt. Bangel still in the reaction phase. However at that point, to me, this is more of a "marriage broken/add more people" dilemma. Their marriage wasn't healthy enough to then add the stress/communication/adaptation needed to add poly to the mix. So in this case, to me, it seems like it's time to focus on the marriage itself, with each person doing their own individual work and therapy, and doing some joint therapy so that they can build the relationship first.

Having poly sprung on you and with an actual desired partner waiting in the wings, like you said, is being exposed in the worst possible way. Not only do I think it would take time and work to get through it, I think it would take EXTRA effort on the poly partner's part to be understanding and to work on the relationship first, before bringing anyone else into it.

And this may just be me, but in some cases I think it's perfectly OK to say that you don't want to do the work right now, or you're not in any condition to do the work right now. You may be giving up your relationship when you do that, but the thought that "I want this, so now you need to go do mountains of work on yourself so you're okay with it so I can have it" just bugs me.

This, most likely, is my own personal peeve, I'm sure, and a reflection of some leftover resentment at being expected to be the flexible, bendable one that does ALL the work. So take that with a grain of salt.

 

[Moonmama]

There is an amazing book called Comfortable with Uncertainty. You may enjoy reading it. It deals with life-changing events and death and fear of the unknown.

 

[dingedheart]

the thought that "I want this, so now you need to go do mountains of work on yourself so you're okay with it so I can have it" just bugs me. This, most likely, is my own personal peeve, I'm sure, and a reflection of some leftover resentment at being expected to be the flexible, bendable one that does ALL the work. So take that with a grain of salt.

No salt needed. I think you summed it up nicely. I was chatting with someone a few weeks ago and we briefly touched on this topic and I thought, the poly reading list, the books, articles, all of Franklin's utterances get dropped on the struggling partner(s) as if, "Here are the tools, now learn how to deal. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking in terms of a 50/50 time split. How are you with that? I know it's a little soon, but I just wanted to put that out there. Now you go read. Isn't this exciting? Love you."

I never thought at the time to say, "Okay, honey, thank you. And here's a list of articles and books I think you should read on how to make a successful monogamous marriage. Out of the spirit of fairness, shouldn't you be doing the same? It's all about growth."

Has anyone ever done that? And if so, did the poly-leaning partner read any of the materials in a meaningful and opened-minded way?

 

[Bangel]

Dinged, I thought of that. But I thought I would be shot down for being close-minded.

 

[Minxxa]

Right. Because if you're just open-minded enough you will read all of the class materials and then suddenly the skies will open and a beaming bright light will shine down on you and you will suddenly become enlightened and of course poly will be the way to go.

Hey, I am poly and have been for 15 years (at least it was 15 years ago I learned what to call it), and it's still not EASY for me. Lots of work to deal with childhood trauma and fears of being unloved and anxiety over being not good enough. It's gotten much better for me, and I've grown a great deal because it has forced me to deal with things instead of burying them and pretending they don't exist. So I've never regretted it.

Still... I have a lot of really great, open-minded girlfriends, very down-to-earth and cool peeps. And not a one of them is poly. I think a few have tried the open relationship thing, but it wasn't what they wanted and that's okay.

My personal opinion (seriously, just my opinion, not saying it's fact!) is that if you are in an established couple, which has been based on a monogamous agreement, and you find you need more and want to open it up-- you have to accept the fact that you may very well lose that relationship. As with anything that changes in couples as they grow, sometimes they grow in different directions and that doesn't necessarily mean someone's right or someone's wrong. It just means they no longer are looking for the same things in life. It means they are no longer compatible. These things happen.

I'm not a big believer in every relationship having to LAST A LIFETIME. Maybe we are in people's lives for a period of time for a purpose, and then that purpose ends. Yes it's sad, but I think it's worse to try to force someone to change because you have, or to give up things you really need to grow in order to stay in a relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

No salt needed! I think you summed it up nicely. I was chatting with someone a few weeks ago and we briefly touched on this topic and I thought: the poly reading list, the books, articles, all of Franklin's utterances get dropped on the struggling partner(s) as if: "Here's the tools, now learn how to deal... Oh, by the way I'm thinking in terms of a 50/50 time split, how are you with that? I know it's a little soon, but I just wanted to put that out there. Now you go read... Isn't this exciting? Love you!"

Sorry dinged, but I changed your post to reflect proper punctuation instead of the constant use of ellipses (drives me crazy! ).

I think an analogy could be if a partner in a marriage suddenly felt drawn to convert to a new religion. She's extremely excited about how these new beliefs will impact her life in a positive fulfilling way. She doesn't necessarily want her husband to also convert to her new religion, she is fine with just practicing it on her own. But now he will see her altar, see her praying at various times throughout the day. She will have new friends from her new community that might be stopping by. She will be going to fundraisers and retreats. She will be talking about her new friends, her pastor/priest(ess), her way of perceiving the world now through the viewpoint of her religion.

So, instead of immediately breaking up with her husband, she tells him, ""I am a practitioner of X religion now, here are some reading materials about it. Maybe you'd like to come to a service with me a time or two to see the building and meet some of the nice people there. This is my altar and this is what the objects there represent. Etc."

If the husband thinks her religion is a load of bunk, he has options. He can choose to fondly allow her her practices, knowing it brings her peace and fulfillment. She just might be a more mellow, caring, balanced partner because of her new views. OTOH, if her practices take too much time away from their couple time, he can object and ask for less time with that, and more with him. If she becomes less fun/loving/interesting to be around because of her new religion, he can choose to speak up about why she seems less fun now and see if she can see that. If there is finally an impasse, he has the option of leaving her. But that should take time and careful consideration of the needs she has that drew her to the religion, and his own needs for someone who wouldn't be drawn to that crazy cult in the first place.

I never thought at the time to say, "Okay honey, thank you. And here's a list of articles and books I think you should read on how to make a successful monogamous marriage. Out of the spirit of fairness shouldn't you be doing the same? It's all about growth."

Has anyone ever done that? And if so. did the poly leaning partner read any of the materials in meaningful and opened-minded way?

I think that is recommended all the time here! People are often told poly is not right for them now, it's just a band-aid on a struggling mono relationship. "Here are some tools in how to work on yourself and your primary couplehood, go and read them, get a therapist. Don't expect a new partner to heal your broken marriage. Revisit poly after you've done some work on yourselves."

 

[47newbie]

Bangel, I'm in the opposite situation as you. I'm trying to start the conversation to open my marriage. What I can say is that it's not always possible for one person to be all things to their partner. A poly person has the willingness, ability and need to extend love beyond the one person to others.

As my wife and I are early in the conversation, I still stand a significant chance of losing her, along with nearly 20 years of marriage. The point I try to express to her is that the success of our relationship depends on the happiness we continue to share.

And she could clearly see my unhappiness after my mother passed away. She also noted my recent mood change once I started exploring polyamory. While she's confused and frustrated right now, I think she realizes that I must take this personal journey, if for no other reason than doing the journey makes me a better husband to her.

 

[Minxxa]

Sorry dinged, but I changed your post to reflect proper punctuation instead of the constant use of ellipses (drives me crazy! ).

LOL, Mags I have noticed I use those all of the time and I'm starting to drive MYSELF crazy!

I think an analogy could be if a partner in a marriage suddenly felt drawn to convert to a new religion. She's extremely excited about how these new beliefs will impact her life in a positive fulfilling way. She doesn't necessarily want her husband to also convert to her new religion, she is fine with just practicing it on her own. But now he will see her altar, see her praying at various times throughout the day. She will have new friends from her new community that might be stopping by. She will be going to fundraisers and retreats. She will be talking about her new friends, her pastor/priest(ess), her way of perceiving the world now through the viewpoint of her religion.

So, instead of immediately breaking up with her husband, she tells him, ""I am a practitioner of X religion now, here are some reading materials about it. Maybe you'd like to come to a service with me a time or two to see the building and meet some of the nice people there. This is my altar and this is what the objects there represent. Etc."

If the husband thinks her religion is a load of bunk, he has options. He can choose to fondly allow her her practices, knowing it brings her peace and fulfillment. She just might be a more mellow, caring, balanced partner because of her new views. OTOH, if her practices take too much time away from their couple time, he can object and ask for less time with that, and more with him. If she becomes less fun/loving/interesting to be around because of her new religion, he can choose to speak up about why she seems less fun now and see if she can see that. If there is finally an impasse, he has the option of leaving her. But that should take time and careful consideration of the needs she has that drew her to the religion, and his own needs for someone who wouldn't be drawn to that crazy cult in the first place.

I think that is recommended all the time here! People are often told poly is not right for them now, it's just a bandaid on a struggling mono relationship. "Here are some tools in how to work on yourself and your primary couplehood, go and read them, get a therapist. Don't expect a new partner to heal your broken marriage. Revisit poly after you've done some work on yourselves."

Mags, I see your comparison as being a pretty good one. I'd only add that if the couple had come together and built their relationship based on shared religious beliefs (say Islam or Catholicism) that were ingrained in their sense of identity, then it's very possible that the partner who has not changed will not be able to just see how they can adapt the change into their lives, but will see it as something they cannot embrace in any way at all.

Or perhaps they were both Buddhists or Pagans, and one partner decided to become a born-again fundamentalist Christian. I think, in that case, the person would realize quickly that their partner has made a life choice that is incongruent with the way they want to live their life. In that case, I believe all of the reading and investigation in the world isn't going to help unless the person gives up something supremely important to them in order to save the relationship.

While I'd like to think most people are in the range you described where they can be open to differences, I do think that there are some things that people can find sacred for themselves, and asking them to give that up for someone else is not very realistic or, really, very healthy.

I think my point is that there really are people out there that are fundamentally monogamous. They want that, they don't want anything else, that's the life they choose to live.

And thinking of them like if they just got the right information they'd be able to adapt to the change is not really respectful of who they are. To me it's similar to being told I'm polyamorous because I can't commit and if I just read enough about monogamy and saw the benefits, I could be happily monogamous for my partner.

And I don't think it would take me very long in reading up on monogamy to realize that's not something I could do, and not an expectation I could have in my relationship.

I feel too often that people make concessions and choices to keep their relationship out of fear of being alone and end up sad and miserable, or use other means to numb out, because they are fundamentally unhappy. And I think that there is nothing wrong with loving somebody enough to know that in order for both of you to be able to live full lives, you need to let them go, and appreciating what they brought to your life while they were in it.

 

[Magdlyn]

... like if they just got the right information they'd be able to adapt to the change is not really respectful of who they are.

Which is what I expressly did *not* say. I added that after looking into it, the unchanged partner has the option to end the relationship.

To me it's similar to being told I'm polyamorous because I can't commit and if I just read enough about monogamy and saw the benefits, I could be happily monogamous for my partner.

And I don't think it would take me very long in reading up on monogamy to realize that's not something I could do, and not an expectation I could have in my relationship.

Um, you don't have to read up on the benefits of monogamy, since it is our society's default, and its supposed benefits are in our faces as soon as we pop out of our mothers' vaginas. You really can't compare the two.