New and struggling

[saturnascends]

Hello everyone!



My name is Kim. I am 41 years old and from NY. I’m married and have an 11 year old. I just found this board today because I think I could use a place to talk about my experiences and hopefully learn as I go.



My husband and I have been married and were monogamous for almost 17 years. We are deeply in love and know that will never change. But over the years we’ve discussed the fact that we met when we were young (19 and 21) and “missed out” on the dating that many people do when they’re in their 20’s - and beyond. We never regretted our decision but did wonder what it would be like to have had these experiences.



So, it was a few years ago when the idea of opening up our relationship came to be a real possibility. We wanted to experience, at the start/very least, sexual intimacy with others. We set our ground rules but it took a long time before either of us actually did anything about it. Last December I decided to download Tinder - which I knew would probably be insane - but it was the first place I could think of to start. I matched with someone who was also ENM the second day of using it. We found each other mutually attractive and we got along really well. We met a few weeks into chatting and we ended up having 6 months together. It wasn’t ideal in many ways (a whole other story), but I got a sense of what I really wanted from this whole experience. Sexual intimacy is great but I also really loved the companionship and the feeling of well, developing feelings for someone and having that returned.



Things ended with him in June. I was terribly depressed for awhile. And my husband had finally gotten something going for himself - so while I wasn’t jealous that he was dating someone - I was jealous that he had something going while I didn’t. I got over this feeling. I dated someone briefly over the summer but it didn’t last. Since then, I have searched high and low for interesting people to match with on dating apps. As I am sure all of you know, this is very hard.



Which brings me to where I am today. I have met 3 people within the last month, all of whom I really felt I had a genuine connection with, only to have been ghosted by all of them. It’s so disappointing because well, a) it hurts, and b) it feels so hard to find someone in the first place, so losing them without explanation really sucks. It’s got me in a place where I question if am cut out for all of this. Is this what dating is really like? Can I keep getting my feelings hurt? Should I just “be happy with what I’ve got” and move on? Keep in mind I’ve been out of the game for a long time. Plus, my (our) unique circumstance can be a hinderance when it comes to people who don’t consider themselves poly (I have spent time getting to know people both poly and single). Do single/non-attached people really want to bother with someone they know they can’t ever have a more traditional relationship with? My feelings always end up getting hurt and yet I keep going back to the apps, hoping I’ll find another person to concentrate on. Eventually they come, but it’s hard to keep getting hopes up only to be let down. And yet somehow, the idea of giving up on all of this still seems worse. I mean this is supposed to fun isn’t it? When it’s good it’s very good. But when it’s bad...



Anyways I hate to start off my membership here with a negative-type post. I guess I’m hoping to commiserate with others who may be feeling the same, or see if there is any wisdom to glean from people who have dealt with these feelings. The truth is I am an optimistic person who really does have a lot of love to give. I just need to find the right person. And right now it feels so impossible. Just yesterday I realized I was ghosted by someone I had only talked to for a few days, but felt a true connection with right up until their last message to me. So it’s very fresh. And it also just makes no sense. I guess in a way this moaning I’m doing could be done whether I was poly or not. Single/mono people must feel this all the time too. But maybe somehow being in this phase of my life makes it harder? I don’t know.



Anyways any thoughts anyone might have would be welcome - even if it’s just to say yeah I’m sorry but that sucks. Haha. I hope to use this board to make friends and learn a lot since I’m still pretty new to all of this! I’m definitely still figuring out my feelings as I go. Thanks for reading.



Kim

 

[Alluvion]

Welcome to the boards, saturnascends. I'm glad you joined us.

Yes, getting ghosted hurts. I've been there, too, and it seems to be an unavoidable part of dating.

I deal with it by taking breaks from dating whenever I need one. Sometimes they're long ones, and sometimes they're short ones. It all depends on when I'm ready to put myself out there again. Recovering from ghosting (or a breakup for that matter) is easier when you're not still stinging from the last one.

I'm demisexual, so this next part may or may not work for you depending on how you like to begin new relationships. But dating is so much easier for me when I meet new people with the mindset of looking for new friends instead of romantic partners. If romantic feelings develop between us quickly (or gradually, or five years from now for that matter), great! If not, I'm totally cool with making new friends. Platonic connections are just as important as romantic ones in my opinion.

This hasn't happened to me personally, but I have known people who actually met new partners through friends they made on dating apps/meetups/other places where polyamorous folks mingle. So that could be a possibility as well, especially once we have a vaccine for Covid-19 and people starting mingling again.

You could also do a search for ghosting and dating in the search box. I've found so much great advice there by searching for various terms and seeing what others have said about them in the past.

I hope to see you around on the boards again in the near future.

 

[tdh]

Welcome @saturnascends! Thanks for sharing your experience and being vulnerable .

So dating is dating. Sometimes you make connection and sometimes you don't. Ghosting is common these days so don't take it personally.

As a single with no children or pets, want to response to "Do single/non-attached people really want to bother with someone they know they can’t ever have a more traditional relationship with?" The short answer is yes people do!

But not everyone is ready for that level of work. Poly emotional relationships do not have to look like a marriage courtship. One of the enjoyments with poly is the diversity in how you build relationships. If all partners communicate and agree to the relationship dynamics, then that is the formation of the relationship. It could be multiple long term partners or it could be 1 long term partner and several short term or could be everyone lives together or everyone is aware of each other but never meet. It is up to everyone in the dynamic to agree and work together which is hard in any relationship.

Honesty with yourself and your partners will help you find your own answers. I have found boards like this are helpful in finding community and discussing experiences, feelings and ideas so hope you take some time to look around and see.

 

[saturnascends]

Thank you both!

Alluvion, it’s funny because you think I’d want to take a break after getting hurt, but in some weird way it makes me want to find a new person even faster that way I can get distracted from the hurt. Haha. I am still quite discerning though, and wouldn’t go for someone unless I was really into them. Being too picky may be one of my problems in the first place! Then again I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being true to yourself and what you want. Maybe it just means you have to look a little harder.

tdh, thank you for that insight. It’s very interesting to me (though makes complete sense) the way you’ve described relationships being what we define them as. Simple concept but not so obvious! My question was referring to people who are single but don’t necessarily identify as poly. Is that the case for you? One of the people I was ghosted by knew I was, but didn’t identify that way himself (as far as I knew). If he wanted something just casual with me then I suppose it didn’t matter. But since we never got that far, I never even got to have the discussion of how we wanted to define ourselves. Ugh.

 

[tdh]

My question was referring to people who are single but don’t necessarily identify as poly. Is that the case for you?

This is not the case for me. In all my poly relationships I had already done some of my own work before entering into the poly relationships (reading, forums, support groups, counselling, etc) So I went in eyes wide open.

 

[saturnascends]

This is not the case for me. In all my poly relationships I had already done some of my own work before entering into the poly relationships (reading, forums, support groups, counselling, etc) So I went in eyes wide open.

That’s really cool, I’m sure that’s helped a lot! If only everyone could do that. That being said, I’m still figuring things out for myself, can’t always expect other people to have it nailed down from the get go. Poly people definitely are in the minority on most of these apps. But I have it in my profile, so if they’re too concerned I have to assume they wouldn’t even match with me.

 

[Czeverny90]

Hello everyone!



My name is Kim. I am 41 years old and from NY. I’m married and have an 11 year old. I just found this board today because I think I could use a place to talk about my experiences and hopefully learn as I go.



My husband and I have been married and were monogamous for almost 17 years. We are deeply in love and know that will never change. But over the years we’ve discussed the fact that we met when we were young (19 and 21) and “missed out” on the dating that many people do when they’re in their 20’s - and beyond. We never regretted our decision but did wonder what it would be like to have had these experiences.



So, it was a few years ago when the idea of opening up our relationship came to be a real possibility. We wanted to experience, at the start/very least, sexual intimacy with others. We set our ground rules but it took a long time before either of us actually did anything about it. Last December I decided to download Tinder - which I knew would probably be insane - but it was the first place I could think of to start. I matched with someone who was also ENM the second day of using it. We found each other mutually attractive and we got along really well. We met a few weeks into chatting and we ended up having 6 months together. It wasn’t ideal in many ways (a whole other story), but I got a sense of what I really wanted from this whole experience. Sexual intimacy is great but I also really loved the companionship and the feeling of well, developing feelings for someone and having that returned.



Things ended with him in June. I was terribly depressed for awhile. And my husband had finally gotten something going for himself - so while I wasn’t jealous that he was dating someone - I was jealous that he had something going while I didn’t. I got over this feeling. I dated someone briefly over the summer but it didn’t last. Since then, I have searched high and low for interesting people to match with on dating apps. As I am sure all of you know, this is very hard.



Which brings me to where I am today. I have met 3 people within the last month, all of whom I really felt I had a genuine connection with, only to have been ghosted by all of them. It’s so disappointing because well, a) it hurts, and b) it feels so hard to find someone in the first place, so losing them without explanation really sucks. It’s got me in a place where I question if am cut out for all of this. Is this what dating is really like? Can I keep getting my feelings hurt? Should I just “be happy with what I’ve got” and move on? Keep in mind I’ve been out of the game for a long time. Plus, my (our) unique circumstance can be a hinderance when it comes to people who don’t consider themselves poly (I have spent time getting to know people both poly and single). Do single/non-attached people really want to bother with someone they know they can’t ever have a more traditional relationship with? My feelings always end up getting hurt and yet I keep going back to the apps, hoping I’ll find another person to concentrate on. Eventually they come, but it’s hard to keep getting hopes up only to be let down. And yet somehow, the idea of giving up on all of this still seems worse. I mean this is supposed to fun isn’t it? When it’s good it’s very good. But when it’s bad...



Anyways I hate to start off my membership here with a negative-type post. I guess I’m hoping to commiserate with others who may be feeling the same, or see if there is any wisdom to glean from people who have dealt with these feelings. The truth is I am an optimistic person who really does have a lot of love to give. I just need to find the right person. And right now it feels so impossible. Just yesterday I realized I was ghosted by someone I had only talked to for a few days, but felt a true connection with right up until their last message to me. So it’s very fresh. And it also just makes no sense. I guess in a way this moaning I’m doing could be done whether I was poly or not. Single/mono people must feel this all the time too. But maybe somehow being in this phase of my life makes it harder? I don’t know.



Anyways any thoughts anyone might have would be welcome - even if it’s just to say yeah I’m sorry but that sucks. Haha. I hope to use this board to make friends and learn a lot since I’m still pretty new to all of this! I’m definitely still figuring out my feelings as I go. Thanks for reading.



Kim

Unfortunately, ghosting is very common nowadays which is one of the things I don't like about dating apps. In any case, I have been learning how to not be led by my expectations. When we expect things from people, that is when we get hurt. If we learn to let it go, even though it is easier said than done, we hurt less. Of course, I expect people to treat me decently, and having a conversation on why they want to end things is what I would consider decent, but not everyone feels the same. I guess some people just are too afraid to engage with other people's reactions or pain, so avoidance may be a strategy for them to not deal with unpleasant emotions. Definitely not the best way to handle things, so maybe you're better off without these people, but then again everyone's different so maybe it's important to learn that it's not about you at all, it's about them.

 

[saturnascends]

Unfortunately, ghosting is very common nowadays which is one of the things I don't like about dating apps. In any case, I have been learning how to not be led by my expectations. When we expect things from people, that is when we get hurt. If we learn to let it go, even though it is easier said than done, we hurt less. Of course, I expect people to treat me decently, and having a conversation on why they want to end things is what I would consider decent, but not everyone feels the same. I guess some people just are too afraid to engage with other people's reactions or pain, so avoidance may be a strategy for them to not deal with unpleasant emotions. Definitely not the best way to handle things, so maybe you're better off without these people, but then again everyone's different so maybe it's important to learn that it's not about you at all, it's about them.

Thanks for this insight. My husband also says I take things too personally, that it’s about them and not me. Which I’m trying to accept a little more. But, while the method of stopping communication with me might not be about me, the choice to stop talking to me almost definitely is personal no? Something about me made them decide they didn’t want to know me anymore. Of course there are chances something else happened in their life that doesn’t really involve me, I’m just part of the fallout. But it’s just still very hard not to take it personally.

I know some of this is definitely me - my husband has a much easier time keeping his feelings out of things (at least at the beginning), whereas I always get emotionally attached fast. Maybe that’s another area I need to work on. But we can’t always fight what’s in our hearts right? Anyways I appreciate your perspective, maybe if I hear this enough I’ll actually start to believe it 100%

 

[Czeverny90]

Thanks for this insight. My husband also says I take things too personally, that it’s about them and not me. Which I’m trying to accept a little more. But, while the method of stopping communication with me might not be about me, the choice to stop talking to me almost definitely is personal no? Something about me made them decide they didn’t want to know me anymore. Of course there are chances something else happened in their life that doesn’t really involve me, I’m just part of the fallout. But it’s just still very hard not to take it personally.

I know some of this is definitely me - my husband has a much easier time keeping his feelings out of things (at least at the beginning), whereas I always get emotionally attached fast. Maybe that’s another area I need to work on. But we can’t always fight what’s in our hearts right? Anyways I appreciate your perspective, maybe if I hear this enough I’ll actually start to believe it 100%

It's very hard for me too (I am not even poly, but I mean when I used to date or when I have expectations on other people in any context, really). I think that while some "feedback" would be nice because of course there is a chance we might behave badly and follow some kind of pattern, probably it is often just a matter of incompatibility or, as you said, something may have happened in their lives totally unrelated with you. Honestly, I like taking the time to talk to people when something is not working, but not everyone can be like me and I have been trying to learn to accept that and just go on with my life. BTW I love how supportive your husband sounds!

 

[saturnascends]

It's very hard for me too (I am not even poly, but I mean when I used to date or when I have expectations on other people in any context, really). I think that while some "feedback" would be nice because of course there is a chance we might behave badly and follow some kind of pattern, probably it is often just a matter of incompatibility or, as you said, something may have happened in their lives totally unrelated with you. Honestly, I like taking the time to talk to people when something is not working, but not everyone can be like me and I have been trying to learn to accept that and just go on with my life. BTW I love how supportive your husband sounds!

Aw thanks! He and I are in this together, we just have different styles. We talk regularly about everything though, which definitely helps.

I agree that the feedback on what (if anything) we’re doing wrong would be beneficial. What literally boggles my mind is how it often happens so suddenly. The very day I got ghosted by the most recent person, the conversation had been so nice. Flirtatious. Sweet. We were planning our first date and he said “I really can’t wait to see you on Friday!” Then a few paragraphs of text later, mid-planning he disappears. You mean to tell me in the middle of all of that he just decided he didn’t want to know me anymore? It’s sooooo bizarre and I’ll never understand it. I let a day go by and ask if he’s okay. Nothing. Next day ask if he’s changed his mind about me. Nothing. I get that people want to avoid discomfort. But what about a simple “Sorry, this isn’t working out.” and then blocking my number if they don’t want to deal with my reaction.

UGH I’m sorry to unload, though I guess this was partially the reason for my post in the first place. Each day it hurts a little less and I know in a few days I’ll be “over it.” I’m just growing tired of this song and dance repeating itself over and over. But if we don’t try then we won’t ever find anyone right? Anyways thanks again!

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Kim,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't know if you have tried OKCupid at all, it is a poly-friendly dating site and while you can still get ghosted there, it is one more thing you can try and sometimes you can have better luck with something new. OKC is quite an active site, so there's a good chance you'll find some people there. In the meantime, you can keep reading and posting on this forum, and it is fine to vent here if you need to, lots of people do that, and you can get a sympathetic response plus tips and advice.

Of course there is always the old-fashioned technique of getting out there and meeting people in real life (meatspace), sometimes you can just make platonic friends at first, and then later, a platonic friendship can morph into something more romantic. There may be a poly group in your area that meets up once a month, google "New York polyamory" and see if anything pops up. Of course it is hard to go that way with the pandemic going on, Covid-19 has really screwed things up for us.

If I can think of more advice to give, I'll definitely let you know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Kevin, I don't think you've checked out OKCupid lately. It's gotten really hard to navigate and check people out. I gave up on it a couple years ago. I even know of people who pay for the premium service who have trouble navigating. This happened when they sold out to Match.com.

Kim, I can relate to your struggles. I had quite a bit of luck on OKCupid when I first joined it about 11 years ago. I met quite a few men over the years. I had relationships lasting from a few months to 2 1/2 years. Unfortunately, none worked out for longer than that. However, I did meet my female partner there almost right away and we clicked so well, our first date lasted 3 days. We lived apart for 2 1/2 years and then got a place together. Since I was married for 30+ years before my husband and I split and I met Pixi, I feel very lucky we found each other. It seems the universe only had 2 people for me to be with long term.

2 men I used to date have become good friends; we chat or occasionally meet and hang out in person, even though dating was no longer working out. I am bummed about that, as I still love them "that way," but their circumstances changed.

My last couple of years on OKC were iffy. I got ghosted a lot, or had guys lead me on and lie to me, and had some first dates that were miserable. Some of the men seemed much better on the screens than they did in person. The disappointments got to be too much, and I'd about given up on dating new people, even before the pandemic started.

However, being a kinky person, I am on Fetlife. I have had some luck there as well. My last relationship with a guy there was very nice. like him a lot. He is definitely poly, and a loving person, but he got too busy for us to see each other, because soon after we started chatting, he got married to a new wife, and they were juggling 5 kids between them. Then she got pregnant just a few months after the marriage! I told him I didn't feel comfortable taking him away from his pregnant wife and new baby. Now that the baby is older, I would consider seeing him again, despite his busy life, and despite our distance of 30 miles, but I am not seeing anyone during Covid. I can't trust that he's no risk, having kids in school as he does.

This year, I am still getting hit on a lot on Fetlife, but I am not dating anyone new until we have a vaccine. I seem to get 3 or so new guys a week trying to get my attention. Maybe something will work out with one or more of them once I feel it's safe enough to date again! We'll see.

By the way, when I first went poly, I didn't have an age restriction. Even though I was 52, I was open to dating people as young as 21. Shockingly, there are lots of young men interested in MILFs.

I'm not on Tinder, but it seems that it is seen more as a place for quick hookups than real relationships.

I thought that my luck had changed as I hit 60, then headed into my mid 60s. But it might just be the culture these days, to chat a while, then ghost? Are people just too used to living their lives virtually? Do younger people not even know how to conduct a real life relationship these days? Is it too much to even bother committing? What with all the free porn available, would they rather just masturbate and then go back to playing their video games?

 

[Czeverny90]

Aw thanks! He and I are in this together, we just have different styles. We talk regularly about everything though, which definitely helps.

I agree that the feedback on what (if anything) we’re doing wrong would be beneficial. What literally boggles my mind is how it often happens so suddenly. The very day I got ghosted by the most recent person, the conversation had been so nice. Flirtatious. Sweet. We were planning our first date and he said “I really can’t wait to see you on Friday!” Then a few paragraphs of text later, mid-planning he disappears. You mean to tell me in the middle of all of that he just decided he didn’t want to know me anymore? It’s sooooo bizarre and I’ll never understand it. I let a day go by and ask if he’s okay. Nothing. Next day ask if he’s changed his mind about me. Nothing. I get that people want to avoid discomfort. But what about a simple “Sorry, this isn’t working out.” and then blocking my number if they don’t want to deal with my reaction.

UGH I’m sorry to unload, though I guess this was partially the reason for my post in the first place. Each day it hurts a little less and I know in a few days I’ll be “over it.” I’m just growing tired of this song and dance repeating itself over and over. But if we don’t try then we won’t ever find anyone right? Anyways thanks again!

It is bizarre indeed, but when it comes to apps I think the human brain tends to see them as shops where you can browse, hang, then dispose of whatever made you lose interest for any reason, especially if something else that you perceive as more sparkly grabs your attention. I think this is a common scenario behind these behaviors, although I am not sure. But it happened to me lots of times to be ghosted or nearly-ghosted even, or actually ESPECIALLY, by people who seemed really interested. It hurt, and I can totally relate. But then again, there is gonna be people who think and act differently, people who share the same values as you like honesty. Yet, when we meet people who do not share the same values as us, it doesn't mean we're bad or they're bad, maybe they're just "bad" (read unsuited) for us. Anyway, just my 2 pence. I hope we can all learn how to live in this crazy human society we're part of.

 

[Czeverny90]

Kevin, I don't think you've checked out OKCupid lately. It's gotten really hard to navigate and check people out. I gave up on it a couple years ago. I even know of people who pay for the premium service who have trouble navigating. This happened when they sold out to Match.com.

Kim, I can relate to your struggles. I had quite a bit of luck on OKCupid when I first joined it about 11 years ago. I met quite a few men over the years. I had relationships lasting from a few months to 2 1/2 years. Unfortunately, none worked out for longer than that. However, I did meet my female partner there almost right away and we clicked so well, our first date lasted 3 days. We lived apart for 2 1/2 years and then got a place together. Since I was married for 30+ years before my husband and I split and I met Pixi, I feel very lucky we found each other. It seems the universe only had 2 people for me to be with long term.

2 men I used to date have become good friends; we chat or occasionally meet and hang out in person, even though dating was no longer working out. I am bummed about that, as I still love them "that way," but their circumstances changed.

My last couple of years on OKC were iffy. I got ghosted a lot, or had guys lead me on and lie to me, and had some first dates that were miserable. Some of the men seemed much better on the screens than they did in person. The disappointments got to be too much, and I'd about given up on dating new people, even before the pandemic started.

However, being a kinky person, I am on Fetlife. I have had some luck there as well. My last relationship with a guy there was very nice. like him a lot. He is definitely poly, and a loving person, but he got too busy for us to see each other, because soon after we started chatting, he got married to a new wife, and they were juggling 5 kids between them. Then she got pregnant just a few months after the marriage! I told him I didn't feel comfortable taking him away from his pregnant wife and new baby. Now that the baby is older, I would consider seeing him again, despite his busy life, and despite our distance of 30 miles, but I am not seeing anyone during Covid. I can't trust that he's no risk, having kids in school as he does.

This year, I am still getting hit on a lot on Fetlife, but I am not dating anyone new until we have a vaccine. I seem to get 3 or so new guys a week trying to get my attention. Maybe something will work out with one or more of them once I feel it's safe enough to date again! We'll see.

By the way, when I first went poly, I didn't have an age restriction. Even though I was 52, I was open to dating people as young as 21. Shockingly, there are lots of young men interested in MILFs.

I'm not on Tinder, but it seems that it is seen more as a place for quick hookups than real relationships.

I thought that my luck had changed as I hit 60, then headed into my mid 60s. But it might just be the culture these days, to chat a while, then ghost? Are people just too used to living their lives virtually? Do younger people not even know how to conduct a real life relationship these days? Is it too much to even bother committing? What with all the free porn available, would they rather just masturbate and then go back to playing their video games?

I am not sure if it's just a matter of "age" as I am not even 30 and I can't relate to most of my peers. Still, I have lots of friends of my age who are not like that, I mean they know how to conduct real-life relationships.

 

[saturnascends]

Kevin, thank you for the welcome! I appreciate it and I am happy to be here. I took your advice on looking for a local polyamory group and found something for the NY area. Not sure if it’ll produce any results, but it can’t hurt to try! As for meeting people in real life, I’d love to try but aside from the meetings these type of groups have, I have no idea where to go! The idea of finding someone in the wild organically just seems so impossible.

I have to agree with Magdlyn about OK Cupid. My husband suggested I try it as he had some matches, but I had absolutely no luck whatsoever. And I believe the paid version is $50 a month?! I will say I did like that they offered options to put in your relationship as anything other than monogamous. Maybe I’ll try it again, who knows. I’m getting to that point

Magdlyn, thank you for sharing your story! That’s so nice that you’ve found Pixi and have been happy together for so long. I have heard of Fetlife and have considered making an account there - however while I am open to kinky things I don’t have experience, and I don’t want to be misleading to anyone. Maybe if I am forthcoming about that in my profile/posts it’ll be worth a try.

I can’t blame you for leaving the relationship with the parent with a new baby. The reason my first relationship broke off was due to children as well. He and his wife decided to try for kids and so they were closing up their relationship. He offered to still be friends but I knew I couldn’t do it based on my feelings for him. And I knew that having a child is something to be celebrated with your partner without being dragged down by someone who has residual feelings. Sigh.

It’s nice to hear that you also came into this whole thing later in life, because sometimes I wonder if I’m too old. Then I realize that’s silly. What’s funny to me is all the men I have dated or communicated with online (and subsequently got ghosted by haha) were all 10-15 years younger than me. I’m not only looking for younger people, but it just keeps happening that way! I personally think we attract what we put out, and as cheesy as it sounds, I think I am young at heart.

As for the ghosting being related to age/generation? To blame it all on that would be easy. I don’t doubt that growing up with most communication being done online can take away some of the human aspect of it all. But I don’t know. I just wish we could understand what the hell is going on in people’s heads. Getting ditched by someone would still hurt but at least you’d have closure? I’d like to think I have a good grip on reality - I am smart, well spoken and witty and I think this all comes across when I talk with someone online. I also look for this when talking to people, and it’s glaringly obvious when it’s not there. So in the case of this last person, everything was so perfect seeming. I know in the end it’s all just words on a screen and people can be anyone they want. But I guess I feel extra hurt because it’s like I was duped. What can I keep saying about it. It hurts me but I need to forget it. And look for the next man to ghost me

 

[saturnascends]

It is bizarre indeed, but when it comes to apps I think the human brain tends to see them as shops where you can browse, hang, then dispose of whatever made you lose interest for any reason, especially if something else that you perceive as more sparkly grabs your attention. I think this is a common scenario behind these behaviors, although I am not sure. But it happened to me lots of times to be ghosted or nearly-ghosted even, or actually ESPECIALLY, by people who seemed really interested. It hurt, and I can totally relate. But then again, there is gonna be people who think and act differently, people who share the same values as you like honesty. Yet, when we meet people who do not share the same values as us, it doesn't mean we're bad or they're bad, maybe they're just "bad" (read unsuited) for us. Anyway, just my 2 pence. I hope we can all learn how to live in this crazy human society we're part of.

That’s really interesting to me - that you’ve found the people who were most interested were the ones who ghosted you. Because that seems to be my case as well. Where is the logic?!? Haha.

Also agree that I don’t always relate to my peers. In fact I think a lot of people in their 40s are boring (broad generalization I know and I’m not totally serious). Maybe this is why I end up with people younger than me...

 

[kdt26417]

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

You did say that you found a poly group in your area. So you may not need the thoughts in this post. But I thought I'd post them, just in case.

 

[saturnascends]

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

You did say that you found a poly group in your area. So you may not need the thoughts in this post. But I thought I'd post them, just in case.

That’s a new way to think about it!! Thank you. I definitely identify with goth culture and some of the others listed in what you quoted. I suppose not all this looking around has to be done on poly/romantic-specific apps and sites.

 

[kdt26417]

They say you find your best matches when you're not looking. I don't know if I'd go that far, but I do think there's something to be said for starting with platonic connections. The two partners I've ever had in my life both started platonically.

 

[tdh]

the choice to stop talking to me almost definitely is personal no?

Unless they tell you,You can never assume you know what is going on in person's life especially though dating apps/website. This is not a universal truth. And you never really know if they had a choice or not to stop talking. Making up story about someone else and put you as the "bad"/negative will be more of a road block then anything