New and trying to navigate meta relationship

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badgergirl10

New member
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. He told me on the second date that he is non monogamous/poly. I have only ever been monogamous, but I ended up deciding I wanted to continue with this relationship and explore this new world. However, I did not want to have any other partners. I knew he had a D/s relationship of about 6 months at the time, but he was looking for me to be his nesting partner long term if things got there far. His kids know her as a friend and me has his girlfriend, when I do end up meeting them.

His D/s relationship has grown significantly in the last few months, and she is a pillar partner. She has met his kids and is now very involved in his everyday life. She identifies as solo poly and has several other partners. My boyfriend had a couple other play partners and is looking for more long term play partners for him and his other pillar partner to enjoy group sex.

Being new to this world, we've had a lot of conversations on what it all looks like, what he's looking for, what I'm looking for, etc. The communication had been the healthiest I've ever experienced. I met his other pillar partner twice now. I want to be comfortable hanging out with her and spending time together. However, her and I don't really get along. I've felt threatened because her feelings for him have grown a lot and she is wanting to be more part of his day to day life, which was not the case when him and I agreed to continue this relationship. I understand relationships evolve, but it feels like she thought this would be a fling since I don't live a poly life and she'd go back to not having to share him with someone serious. We get along fine. She doesn't seem interested in getting to know me. She does minimal work to please him. I don't open up to people easily and until I get to know you, so it's been a struggle getting there.

She has stated she doesn't have the patience to deal with a newbie since the two times we've hung out, they have held back in their interactions, which I never asked for. She keeps telling him I'm not ready for this life.

I'm really looking for advice or guidance on how to navigate this relationship with her. I want to be able to be in the same room and not feel like everything I do or say is being judged. She told him if she can't fully be herself with him around me, she doesn't want to be in the same space as me. I feel like it's a lot of pressure put on me to make sure she is happy. I feel like I'll never live up to her standard on what his partner should be like. Any advice is much appreciated as a newbie willing to learn, be uncomfortable and grow.
 
If she's judgy instead of helpful, shame on her. I would not want to be in the same room as HER. No need to be friends. Make it your decision. If you meet, just be polite like you would with a near stranger.

The rest you have to take up with your boyfriend. If you were looking forward to a nesting/primary structure, but now it seems he prefers to have that with her, you will have to have an honest talk about your compatibility.
 
Hello badgergirl10,

It sounds like your metamour is unwilling to get along with you, I'm not sure what you can say to her to convince her otherwise. My advice is actually to put some distance between you and her, it is not a rule in polyamory that you have to be friends with your metamour, there's even something called parallel poly in which you and your metamour rarely if ever see each other, and rarely if ever hear about each other. I realize this would be a hard proposition when she is present for so much of his day-to-day life, but honestly that is a riddle for him to figure out, he is the hinge here.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'm a very emotional person. The first time we met, I eventually got overwhelmed and did get teary eyed at one point but didn't ever cry. She noticed and brought it up to our hinge. The second meeting did go a lot better. She had a different friend there who was a good buffer. He walked me out when I left and the conversation took a turn which ended with me getting upset. I kept telling him he needed to go back in because he had been out with me too long. He stayed outside and then she was upset he was outside too long. That is when she said she wouldn't hangout with me if she couldn't be herself and I'm too emotional. She didn't try to get to know me the first meeting and then was told to make more of an effort for the second which she did. But it still felt very shallow. I know I don't need to be friends with her, but if he wants us to all be able to hang out a few times a month, how do I get to a place to be civil? I don't want to cause him more stress in his other relationship.
 
You sound like a brave soul for trying not only polyamory, but what to me sounds like a very hardcore version of it with so many people involved and still being added to the mix both health-wise and emotionally.

For this pillar partner, unfortunately not all metamours like each other. I'm sad to say my own thread here is pure hate between my two partners, but what I can say from my current experience is that many times it is the hinge's fault for relaying messages in not the best way or in trying to soothe the partner they are with that they might be bending the information slightly or managing time and schedules in a less than optimal way maybe in their own desire to have you both around. Even if it's not so, the same way she doesn't want to spend time with you, you can say you agree to that and for your hinge to manage your time in a way that if he truly wants a deeper relationship with you, to choose how to spend time with you more instead. She seems to be overtaking more than you agreed to in the beginning and even if you both don't have face to face contact, if you are the girlfriend, it would be better for it to show in his scheduling in a way that works for you. Don't feel guilty for not having a good relationship with her though keeping an open mind that you might see eye to eye at some point could be possible. It's difficult to have it right off the bat if there are feelings of jealousy, fight for "positions", uncertainty on who has what role in the system, etc.

Choose what your own desires for communication are with her and what you expect your partner to do about it and see where you can meet with him first and maybe even her after that.

What I think is good enough is that you're not hostile towards her, you don't have to live up to her expectations, you just be yourself, we don't vibe with everyone, that's alright. Keep your ground on what feels good to you and don't let them (both) make you feel neglected in meeting your needs. You can also ask your partner how he thinks this could be solved and what is he trying to achieve by putting you on the spot when he already knows about you two not really hitting it off. Does he hope you'll find a way of he keeps exposing you to one another? Maybe he doesn't know all sides to the story, check in with him and see. I'd raise questions in a similar vein. Also, who is she to say whether you can withstand this lifestyle, I think you've done a wonderful job so far dealing with such a huge level of polyamory difficulty involved. The most common scenario I've seen is someone dating outside of a marriage or a serious relationship, not kink and group sex, so I'd say you're pretty open-minded and willing to learn if that's a path you enjoy/find interesting. If I were her, I'd try to help you and be more gentle because this all seems overwhelming, calling someone a newbie and being outright rude to them is a bad manners move.

Also, if you are brave enough, I'd open a discussion with her addressing the fact that you haven't required them to limit themselves for you and/or if you did what you think is respectful given that you're not play partners in between yourselves. I, personally, am okay with holding hands and pecks for hello and goodbye and no more PDA in front of partners unless we're trying to initiate shared play. If there are other people around even hand holding is too much as in my country this already states relationship status if it's male-female.

Good luck!
 
badgergirl10 said:
I know I don't need to be friends with her, but if he wants us to all be able to hang out a few times a month, how do I get to a place to be civil?
Click to expand...
Hinges want that. You can tell him no. If she's there, you're not coming. It's your choice too to hang out with her or not.
 
I think you need to talk about what he really wants. It seems he is changing his original position, so his intentions need to be discussed. Some men naturally would want a triad, so they might try to push lovers together, or might want the lovers to be at least on friendly terms. You can tell him that if he is still sticking to his original proposal, then you are fine with him seeing her, but then you need to know what to expect, and clarify that it is a plain V, or parallel poly even, where you don't want to constantly share your living space with this other woman.

The main question you need to ask, however, is this: do you want a polyamorous relationship on your own, or is it simply about keeping him? If your goal is a monogamy-like nesting parter relationship then perhaps better to seek a monogamous relationship. You might never be satisfied with the rivalry and competition with his other lovers.

Also the D/s dynamic... is it only bedroom, or do they have this dynamic in general? How does this affect the relationship?
 
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