New at this, thought I'd ask for some advice.

L

Leaf109

New member
Hello there! I came to this forum to see if I could find some advice from the community considering my lack of knowledge other than what I have read on poly relationships. Any help would be appreciated!

To give a quick background on my current situation, I met a lovely woman who was 7 years older than me. I am currently 19 years old. We instantly hit it off, but I knew she was married. (Wedding Ring of course.) So I simply had a polite conversation and thought it would end there. Somehow it didn't, we ended up becoming friends and hanging and eventually getting closer. She told me about her Poly relationship with her husband. Intrigued, however I never really thought it was for me. Again, astonished we somehow managed to fall in love eventually as time passed. She had two children, a husband and she told me she loved me. I felt the same and I was honest about it. I'm a pretty innocent guy i'd say still, never had sex. Not really religious at all but generally believed to wait for the person I truly loved, so this was indeed a change for me.

There the relationship started. Still with my confusion, I come here. I was (still am somewhat) a hopeless romantic type. I always believed in the one true love, the soul mate out there for me and I strived to be the best man I could be for that person. Due to my personality, I also believe that "Love conquers all." While generally I used to never imagine myself able to accept a poly type relationship for myself. Since I have been sort of a jealous type, likely due to my recent past relationships not ending well due to them cheating on me or leaving me for other men etc.

Now with the end of the background, I really just need advice on what to do here. I love this woman to death, but I still have yet to meet her husband which will happen soon. I don't know how I will feel about this, but she has told me she has already talked to him about me and he is okay with it. I doubt I will be able to have another partner, but rather only have her while she has him and her kids. Somehow that makes me sad to think if the future is going to be like that, but it's hard for me to not believe that way due to my personality. I am still processing everything as it goes day by day. Believing again, that love conquers all, I want to keep trying to cope and understand how I will continue with this relationship. I believe I can get over the jealousy. But can I sustain this relationship? Knowing that I will likely have it as my own singular relationship?

Any thoughts help!

Thanks!
 
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It's hard. You're not going to get all of the time you normally would in a mono relationship. You're going to get even less because she's married with children. You have to figure out if that's going to be enough for you. It's something every mono person in a poly relationship has to figure out. You may think you will be able to deal with it in theory but you have to actually do it in reality to see if it'll work. You're at the mercy of her schedule, it's difficult to make plans.

I'm not saying it's not doable but you have to go into it knowing that it's not going to be a mono relationship and you're going to have to learn to entertain yourself like you're a single person a lot of times.
 
Love may conquer all, but if it is to do so, it often requires extreme adaptability. In your case, you have many very traditional ideas. However, the configuration you are contemplating is about as non-traditional as one can get. If being part of the societal norm is very important to you, or having a wife and children you want to take home to mom and dad is important to you, choosing to be with this woman on a permanent or primary basis may not give you what you want.

So let's run the possible scenarios:

1. You remain monogamous with her, she is poly with you and her husband, she lives in her household with her husband and children, and you have your own household, living alone, getting an allotment of time with her. You may have to keep the true nature of your relationship under wraps.

2. You remain monogamous with her, she is poly with you and her husband, you hit it off with her husband and children and become a co-husband, and share their house with them. You many have to keep the true nature of your relationship under wraps.

3. Either of the above two scenarios, except she adds another boyfriend.

4. You become poly and find another young non-married poly woman to share your home and to have your children, while maintaining your relationship with the lady in question.

5. The above scenario except one or both ladies add more boyfriends.

6. Some permutation I haven't thought of.

The point is in polyamory the relationship configurations can be very fluid.
 
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I think the big thing that I have learned over time is to not think too deeply into where a relationship is, or is going. Instead, rely on what FEELS right. There are more than enough people that are going to tell you what they thing poly IS or ISN'T. Ignore that crap. If everyone is happy with the parameters of the relationship, then just enjoy it.

I think that in this particular situation, you are in the highest stress part of this vee. You are always going to be relegated to a secondary role only because she has a husband and kids... that's going to push her focus unevenly in their direction. If this is still okay with you, then it just is what it is. Enjoy it, be happy with it.

You are still very young and what you desire out of life and relationships probably isn't really formed yet. Or hell, maybe it is. Me and my wife accepted a third into a very equal place into our lives while being scared the whole time that her young age would make her a little flighty, and she has been more consistent about what she wants out of our relationship than we are :)
 
Eclipse said:
You are always going to be relegated to a secondary role only because she has a husband and kids... that's going to push her focus unevenly in their direction
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I really dislike when people blame the structure for a reason that relationships can't be equitable. Perhaps you don't want multiple primaries. Perhaps you aren't able to manage several relationships in a balanced way.

But saying that additional relationships MUST be given less attention (implied by your saying that her focus will be unevenly in the spouse's direction) because of the not being married thing is unfair (and as for kids, well, what if the OP and his girlfriend eventually have a child together?). Many people are able to manage a spouse and multiple girlfriends/boyfriends and give everyone a primary status (obviously some relationships are still in the secondary phase).
 
OP, do you want a primary style relationship with this woman? She may or may not be able to give it to you. But if that's what you require for your own relationships, know that many married women will be happy to make you an equal partner beside their spouse.
 
The OP (I got the impression that she was a female for some reason) may be equal partners but she/he will still only be getting half of a relationship. That's difficult for any mono person going into a poly relationship. It can work if that is what OP is looking for or can be happy with but I think it's something a mono person should realize going into that relationship.
 
WhatToDo said:
The OP (I got the impression that she was a female for some reason) may be equal partners but she/he will still only be getting half of a relationship
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"Half a relationship" is based on a scarcity model that says a person can only fully give themselves to one person. Poly folk generally don't believe in that.

I was able to get 100% of my needs met from my one partner (obviously not ALL of my needs, but everything I desired from him and more, to the point I was actually turning DOWN time he offered to me) without taking more than a single afternoon away from his other partner. Of course, you can get "poly saturated." But if everyone in the poly group works well together? You can accommodate quite a lot, with everyone getting a "full" relationship from everyone.
 
PolyinPractice said:
"Half a relationship" is based on a scarcity model that says a person can only fully give themselves to one person. Poly folk generally don't believe in that.

I was able to get 100% of my needs met from my one partner (obviously not ALL of my needs, but everything I desired from him and more, to the point I was actually turning DOWN time he offered to me) without taking more than a single afternoon away from his other partner. Of course, you can get "poly saturated." But if everyone in the poly group works well together? You can accommodate quite a lot, with everyone getting a "full" relationship from everyone.
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Right, poly folks don't tend to believe that but the OP is mono.
 
WhatToDo said:
Right, poly folks don't tend to believe that but the OP is mono.
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True, but many mono people have the same mindset as poly, in that they don't believe in the scarcity model. If the OP does, I'd recommend not dating a poly person. He or she will only end up being disappointed.
 
Thanks for the replies so far! And I am indeed male, haha. But overall, I don't know -what- to expect. This is completely new to me and I'm still learning to adapt with it. As I said I would try my best and I believe I can open up to it. But again, it does worry me that I will be usually alone when time is delegated to me. Obviously things will become more clear as the relationship goes on. But for right now I always wonder where my... Place is? In her life. Which again, will likely show overtime I believe.
 
I suppose some things will depend on how much of a long-term partner you turn/ed out to be (in practice). If a lifetime partner, then it seems appropriate for you to share a home with them and have a friendship with their kids.

I am one of the men in an MFM V, the unmarried member of the family, so my situation is comparable to yours, except that there's no kids. The lady has to divide her time between two men, so I don't get a "full share." But that's okay, because I like the extra "me" time. Everyone is different, you have to decide what you want.

Any particular reason you wouldn't want to date in addition to partnering with this married woman? I'm just curious is why I ask. I'm assuming work and school will demand quite a bit of your time?

Everyone is different, so try to make the unique decision that would be right for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Do you realistically see any possibility of this continuing for the next 30, 40 years? Being 60 years old and never having had anyone but her? Never having had a wife and children? Do you foresee being 60 and perhaps having a wife of your own and children, but still being with this woman?

Do you foresee being able to introduce her to your family and friends? Explaining to them why you will never marry her? Introducing her children to your family and friends? Taking her to Christmas and Thanksgiving family gatherings, spending Valentine's Day with her, going on vacation with her? Will you ever own a home together?

If either of these seems unlikely (and statistically, it's a very high probability this relationship won't last more than 2 or 3 years), how and why do you see it ending? Do you feel you will have gained anything from it, become a better person for it, improved your life for it? Do you feel there's any danger that you will have wasted a couple of years on a woman who can't and won't give you marriage and a family?

Just some things to think about.
 
kdt26417 said:
Any particular reason you wouldn't want to date in addition to partnering with this married woman? I'm just curious is why I ask. I'm assuming work and school will demand quite a bit of your time?

Everyone is different, so try to make the unique decision that would be right for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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It's not really a time thing at all, but the fact that I would feel.. Guilty might not be the right word here but it's all I can think of. More due to the fact that I enjoy and can really only think of loving one woman. It's just who I am, giving my complete heart to the one I so choose.
 
Ah, you would be a (poly-friendly) monogamous partner to her (mono-friendly) polyamorous partnership.

In which case, you would need to be able to value having more "me time" than the typical monogamist would have. Though if you ended up living with her and her husband, you might end up spending some time with the kids?

Would you personally want any kids with her? (Just wondering.)
 
I suggest you determine what open models you are ok in and not ok in.

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/open.html

To me it sounds like you still want to be able to date other people? Or you are hunting for the word "monoamorous?" The desire or capacity to love only one?

You are also nineteen. Choosing to polydate her for a time doesn't mean you are bound for life here. You might be, you might not be. There is a lot of adult dating you cannot imagine because you just got here. This is young adult dating time where you are still figuring out a lot of your own preferences too.

So far you know you are monoamorous and when in love you give it your all.

Does that also mean poly friendly? You have your one sweetie but are ok participating in polyship model? Or monogamous? You want one sweetie and want to relate one-on-one only...no other people in the network? Well, you are trying it on and will find out.

You are finding out your dating preferences. That is totally ok. Could enjoy the present for what it is, and worry about future needs as they arise.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417 said:
Ah, you would be a (poly-friendly) monogamous partner to her (mono-friendly) polyamorous partnership.

In which case, you would need to be able to value having more "me time" than the typical monogamist would have. Though if you ended up living with her and her husband, you might end up spending some time with the kids?

Would you personally want any kids with her? (Just wondering.)
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Sorry I haven't replied in awhile. I thought about this for a long time. At first I always thought I would never want kids. But the idea of being with the one you love, made me want to have kids. So the possibility is there. Perhaps in the future we may talk about it.
 
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