New but not new

[Bluebird]

Why not look for another couple who are looking for a woman? Most of these situations seem to involve a straight men and a bisexual women. Is there a problem having another man in the equation, who would (probably) be part of this extended relationship? This seems like an obvious and workable arrangement, so why isn't it more common? (Or is it, but I'm not seeing it mentioned much?)

My *guess* is that most couples seeking a unicorn also have a one penis policy. Deep down, they feel that homosexual relations between two women are less of a threat to the existing relationship. Also, in this type of scenario, the woman "joining" the relationship is usually younger, or less experienced or at a disadvantage financially. If she were married, then she would be more likely to assert herself, want to be considered an equal, and wouldn't stand for being treated as secondary.

This isn't the case all the time, obviously, but it is common enough to be a stereotype.

 

[central]

My *guess* is that most couples seeking a unicorn also have a one penis policy. Deep down, they feel that homosexual relations between two women are less of a threat to the existing relationship. Also, in this type of scenario, the woman "joining" the relationship is usually younger, or less experienced or at a disadvantage financially. If she were married, then she would be more likely to assert herself, want to be considered an equal, and wouldn't stand for being treated as secondary.

This isn't the case all the time, obviously, but it is common enough to be a stereotype.

I think you may be right, which in my mind cheapens the poly aspects of a unicorn triad in many cases (no doubt there are some fair and equal arrangements).

Sure, I'd like to have a triad, but since my wife and I are straight, it would likely be with another straight woman - how likely is that? lol We've discussed the issues of fairness and equality. They are difficult ones, to be sure, since we would want an arrangement of equals. We think it would also take time for someone joining us to earn equal status - we've already done that work.

So, we think it would be easier and better to find another couple, so that there is less chance of an imbalance of power and influence. Still difficult to find that though, as it seems not many straight couples are looking for the same things. I'd like to be proven wrong, though!

 

[NewButNot]

With so many couples seeking a another woman, and - apparently - so few having success, there is something that puzzles me.

Why not look for another couple who are looking for a woman? Most of these situations seem to involve a straight men and a bisexual women. Is there a problem having another man in the equation, who would (probably) be part of this extended relationship? This seems like an obvious and workable arrangement, so why isn't it more common? (Or is it, but I'm not seeing it mentioned much?)

I for one am not turned on by it and my wife has expressed many many times she doesn't want another man in the mix. This is something we both agree on.

 

[NewButNot]

My *guess* is that most couples seeking a unicorn also have a one penis policy. Deep down, they feel that homosexual relations between two women are less of a threat to the existing relationship. Also, in this type of scenario, the woman "joining" the relationship is usually younger, or less experienced or at a disadvantage financially. If she were married, then she would be more likely to assert herself, want to be considered an equal, and wouldn't stand for being treated as secondary.

This isn't the case all the time, obviously, but it is common enough to be a stereotype.

Our past relationship she was of equal age, lived on her own, single mother not having to struggle. Her needs were to be with us and ours were to be with her. I would say there was love there on all parties. The downside was our age at the time, early twenties and not very mature. This lasted 3 years in one stint and on and off for another 2 years later on. She was an equal, had keys to our house, stayed over, came to all functions, the only thing that didn't happen was public displays of affection. This was mutual between us and her, not one of us was ready to show up at dinner with the parents and say hey look at us. This was ok as we did everything else outside of the house together, we just didn't stand on a mountain top and proclaim our love as a group.

 

[breathemusic]

I for one am not turned on by it and my wife has expressed many many times she doesn't want another man in the mix. This is something we both agree on.

I think the implication was not that the 2 couples date each other in the sense of having a foursome... I think the implication was that the wife of each couple would date the other couple. So it would basically be like 2 women having a triad with one male partner and then having a second triad with the other male partner. The 2 guys would not actually date or interact sexually with each other. Maybe not even socially if they really didn't want to.

 

[Bluebird]

That's great that it worked for you at that time. However, it wasn't ever balanced. It sounds like when she did actually want to have an equal relationship - to add her own primary partner - that's when things ended. That's what is meant by couple privilege.

Go ahead and hunt your unicorn. I wish you much luck. I am not saying that you will not ever find a partner, and that it won't work out. It's just that this sort of triad almost always does not, and it sounds like you've already experienced a main reason as to why it doesn't. I'm glad in your case it was an amiable parting, at least.

 

[GreenAcres]

I think the implication was not that the 2 couples date each other in the sense of having a foursome... I think the implication was that the wife of each couple would date the other couple. So it would basically be like 2 women having a triad with one male partner and then having a second triad with the other male partner. The 2 guys would not actually date or interact sexually with each other. Maybe not even socially if they really didn't want to.

I think he's saying he's not turned on by his wife sleeping with another dude, so therefore, since nothing's in it for him, it's not okay (because everyone should be turned on by who their partner fucks, because otherwise it's just not right! /sarcasm). Simple OPP issues.

And his wife says she's not interested in sleeping with other men, so wouldn't want to be part of someone else's triad (this part I get).

 

[Spork]

Well, that's the thing, yes, OP answered his own question with the reason that their previous girlfriend left them, was to pursue a primary relationship of her own. I think that when deep feelings of love exist, one would wish to either escalate the relationship, or have at least a open and family connected thing...and if she had a child, maybe she wanted a male influence in her kid's life, too. Thing is, it's just part of relating that sooner or later, many people will develop a desire for "more" than just good times.

So my poly experience was with a quad (me, boyfriend, and a married couple) and I also had my separate relationship with Zen off to one side of that, not involved really with the quad, though they were acquainted. While I loved the quad, and I still do, and I have no big complaints and there wasn't an explosion of drama, near as I could tell, or any huge awful reason it had to end...I did end my involvement with them as girlfriend. Why? Because it did not feel REAL. It felt like I went on vacation to visit their world every weekend. I would never be a resident in their lives, just a tourist.

Being on vacation is fun! Being a tourist is fun! But it isn't the real, deep stuff that ultimately I felt a relationship needed to be made of. And I chose my mono-guy and parted with my quad, because in my couple with Zen there was room to grow. (Also: the very legit fact that I was simply stretched wayyyy too thin on time & energy, trying to juggle four relationships, parent a teenager, work, etc.)

In what you propose, even if it's really fun and really good, it just feels like there is a sort of glass ceiling, it can only go so far and then you bang your head against the couple's rules or shall we say...the way things just are.

Does that mean it's this terrible idea, doomed to horrible failure, that should never be attempted? NO. I don't think so. I am very deeply glad I had the year with my quad, and the experience of loving them. It was glorious and I'll treasure those memories. But I never expected it to last "forever" (I have a hard time expecting that of most things, but I feel a year was a good run with the quad, whereas I wouldn't bat an eye thinking my relationship with Zen could go for decades.) So if you're ok with living in the now with any unicorn you might find, and them moving on if they need to...you moving on if you need to...and especially if you're skilled at amicable partings, as opposed to drama bombs...then go for it! Have a good time!

Now I have to speak to "one penis policy" a little. So Zen and I are closed. But. He has mentioned that he feels uncomfortable with me being in a relationship with another man, but would not feel comfortable with me in a relationship with another woman. I can accept this. Frankly he fulfills my male-partner-needs with a thoroughness that makes me not want another man in my life, so I don't argue with what your wife tells you, OP. But I sometimes think...I'd love to have a female BFF, who is down for getting together, movies, hiking, snuggles, even sex. That would be pretty neat.

Here's why I'm not pursuing one. I don't want to be expected to be part of a threesome for her and any man in her life. And I don't want there to be any expectation for her to join Zen and I, if he doesn't interest her. She has a right to like or want whatever she does. I'd want it to be ok with everyone if only she and I had a pairing and no one else was IN it. But I think that any males involved would be wishing they could get some of that girl-girl action. Both of us might be wishing, even secretly, that we could give that to our men. And if I found an outright lesbian, she might not be comfortable that I have a male partner and also like men. So.... There is so much potential awkwardness. I'm like, nah, ya know, I'm ok.

 

[NewButNot]

Well, that's the thing, yes, OP answered his own question with the reason that their previous girlfriend left them, was to pursue a primary relationship of her own. I think that when deep feelings of love exist, one would wish to either escalate the relationship, or have at least a open and family connected thing...and if she had a child, maybe she wanted a male influence in her kid's life, too. Thing is, it's just part of relating that sooner or later, many people will develop a desire for "more" than just good times.

So my poly experience was with a quad (me, boyfriend, and a married couple) and I also had my separate relationship with Zen off to one side of that, not involved really with the quad, though they were acquainted. While I loved the quad, and I still do, and I have no big complaints and there wasn't an explosion of drama, near as I could tell, or any huge awful reason it had to end...I did end my involvement with them as girlfriend. Why? Because it did not feel REAL. It felt like I went on vacation to visit their world every weekend. I would never be a resident in their lives, just a tourist.

Being on vacation is fun! Being a tourist is fun! But it isn't the real, deep stuff that ultimately I felt a relationship needed to be made of. And I chose my mono-guy and parted with my quad, because in my couple with Zen there was room to grow. (Also: the very legit fact that I was simply stretched wayyyy too thin on time & energy, trying to juggle four relationships, parent a teenager, work, etc.)

In what you propose, even if it's really fun and really good, it just feels like there is a sort of glass ceiling, it can only go so far and then you bang your head against the couple's rules or shall we say...the way things just are.

Does that mean it's this terrible idea, doomed to horrible failure, that should never be attempted? NO. I don't think so. I am very deeply glad I had the year with my quad, and the experience of loving them. It was glorious and I'll treasure those memories. But I never expected it to last "forever" (I have a hard time expecting that of most things, but I feel a year was a good run with the quad, whereas I wouldn't bat an eye thinking my relationship with Zen could go for decades.) So if you're ok with living in the now with any unicorn you might find, and them moving on if they need to...you moving on if you need to...and especially if you're skilled at amicable partings, as opposed to drama bombs...then go for it! Have a good time!

Now I have to speak to "one penis policy" a little. So Zen and I are closed. But. He has mentioned that he feels uncomfortable with me being in a relationship with another man, but would not feel comfortable with me in a relationship with another woman. I can accept this. Frankly he fulfills my male-partner-needs with a thoroughness that makes me not want another man in my life, so I don't argue with what your wife tells you, OP. But I sometimes think...I'd love to have a female BFF, who is down for getting together, movies, hiking, snuggles, even sex. That would be pretty neat.

Here's why I'm not pursuing one. I don't want to be expected to be part of a threesome for her and any man in her life. And I don't want there to be any expectation for her to join Zen and I, if he doesn't interest her. She has a right to like or want whatever she does. I'd want it to be ok with everyone if only she and I had a pairing and no one else was IN it. But I think that any males involved would be wishing they could get some of that girl-girl action. Both of us might be wishing, even secretly, that we could give that to our men. And if I found an outright lesbian, she might not be comfortable that I have a male partner and also like men. So.... There is so much potential awkwardness. I'm like, nah, ya know, I'm ok.

Thank you for opening up, great post