New But Not So Shiny

TattooedUnicorn

New member
Edit: Figured I should put this at the top because I realize my error. My screen name might be misleading. I'm not a "unicorn" as defined in the polyamory realm. I...just like unicorns and have tattoos. I've also put this in my profile description. My apologies for any confusion.

Been a while since I've done a forum intro...but here goes.

Hey all I'm TattooedUnicorn, Tats, Uni, hey you, ya know...whatever works. I feel I should apologize right off the bat. I sought out a forum for...help I suppose. Maybe a safe space to help vent and work through some issues in this new poly world I find myself in. Books and blogs have....kind of helped but I don't really have anyone to bounce thoughts off of. I suppose I should start from the beginning. It'll be far the way back machine so please bear with me.

I've always had issues in the sexual department. It had lead to a lot of....strife in relationships. Even with my husband(married for 4 years now, been together 8) I just never....I guess enjoyed sex. I felt so broken, so different. I tried all kinds of shit to try and want sex but it just never worked. So I offered that we open up our relationship(not yet marriage) because I felt like...I didn't want to lose him but didn't want to restrict his sexual appetite and, weirdly, I was super cool with that. Him, a pansexual, going off and having sex was fine in my book. It wasn't until after we were married for about a year that I finally found out what was "wrong" with me. I'm Asexual, more specifically an Aegosexual. Boom! Life made fucking sense again. Husband was totally supportive and we carried on our merry way in an open relationship...or so I thought.

I suppose I didn't...listen properly or understand. He had told me he needed that emotional connection with someone to have sex, not much of a one night stand kinda fellow. In my sparkly brain I chalked it up to just a really close friend one also bangs. With 6 years since we opened the relationship it was only now, in the unholy year of 2020, that I found out what it was that had been going on that I totally hadn't comprehended before. Rather than open we were poly. Holy schnikies batman my world was turned upside down. This discovery happened just a week before Christmas so, since it's 01JAN21 right now, it's super new and fresh.

I want to be clear that I in no way whatsoever think he had lied to me, had been cheating, nothing like that. I recognize that we had a miscommunication of astronomical proportions for 6 years. Ca-razy. So now, here I am, trying to be cool with and understand this world(and all the associated terminology) but....it's really not easy. It's so, so, super not easy especially when he currently has someone he is seeing and we just keep hitting landmine after landmine. I feel like it's my fault and I shouldn't be so...jealous, so upset over what should be no-big-deal things. But I am and I have no one to talk about it with...well except husband and we do talk about it but I'd be nice to get outside perspective too...especially from the nice folk in the community. People I know IRL are very monogamy set so it's hard to discuss this stuff with them when their mind is at a place of, "well you should just be monogamous, duh-doy." I really, truly, do want all of this to work out. For the years I thought we were open things were great (occasional rough spots but, hey, that's life) but now it's...almost daily.

So that's it in a nutshell. Again, I feel I must apologize...I feel that maybe I am not in the right spirit to join a poly forum because I feel so low about it right now. I don't disparage the poly life and truly envy people who can truly feel that compersion for their primary partner. I'm just not there yet and hope that being able to journal here and talk might help get me there.
 
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Hi Tats

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope writing this down has helped a bit. People who are better counsellors than me will likely be along when the New Year stuff has settled a little.

You're totally welcome to join a poly forum even though it's not your state of mind just now. Mindshifts are hard. You thought one thing, and now you've realised it's another. It's okay to be shocked.

Is MrUni looking to integrate someone more deeply into his life, and by extension, yours? Did this come up because he wanted his lover to come to Xmas or NYE? I guess I'm wondering other than knowing now that he loves his extramarital sex partner, what changes are happening on a practical level, too, that you might be adapting to. Have you spent much time with your metamour before, are they your kinda person or would you rather keep things separate, at least for now?
 
Hi Evie!

Thank you for the kind and warm welcome. Writing does help a lot. I RP as a hobby so writing is often the best outlet for me. Though new to the forum, it is especially heartwarming and hopeful to find community with this new world.

The revelation came about in an odd way. It was a long and emotional night and it's kind of a blur. Mr. Uni is usually very good about telling me that he is going to hang out with his other partners(past and present) and asking about future plans with them so they don't intrude on our own plans(Mr.Uni isn't the best with remembering schedules and dates so we learned, a while back, it's better if he asks if we have anything planned before he makes plans with another partner.) So he asked if I would be cool if he went on an overnight trip. I was kind of taken aback because that was an absolute first. I don't remember entirely how the conversation progressed from there but I ended up saying something to the tune of "it's not like you're dating: holding hands and kissing and shit." BOOM, that's when the bomb dropped.

The relationship itself is pretty new. We moved from Virginia to my home state of Michigan in June. So he has been seeing her for about 3 or 4 months now. He has seen 4 people since we opened up(including the new and current one), two of which were while I was deployed. The longest running relationship he had was the first girl I had met. We were chill, I liked her and she was a wildly great friend(bailed us out with dog and cat sitting several times) but it had taken me a while to feel ready to meet her(this was still under the guide of me thinking it was just about sex and not romantic interest.) I guess, long story short, it takes me a while before I feel willing to meet with them and Mr.Uni knows this, so there isn't a press for integration. Honestly Pixie(current metamour....kind figure it's polite not to use IRL name)sounds like someone I would genuinely like and get along with but I just need time and space before meeting. I understand that there is NRE going on for sure and we've had numerous talks about being present when we're together and mindful of quality time spent together. Honestly the harder landmines were things that I failed to realize might be an issue and couldn't communicate them prior.

For a hard example(and, honestly, the catalyst for me seeking out this forum) was just today. Mr.Uni has been going to the local beach to watch the sunrise most mornings so he went to bed early last night. When I got up he was still gone and eventually I got a text from him saying he was going to hit up a store real quick then swing by Pixie's place to meet the dogs she was dog sitting. It didn't click right away but almost an hour later I realized that "hey...wait...I haven't even seen him in the New Year yet..." and that green-eyed beast reared it's ugly head. When he came home we talked about that and, well, turns out they kissed(as dating people do) and that beast just lost it. It's so small and so silly and I feel like an idiot for being upset but that was(kinda still is) pretty painful. In his defense I never made it clear that those things are important to me(and after the ugly crying we talked calmly about it and made some agreements revolving around other potential instances especially for holidays.) Truth be told...I have a bad habit of pretending to not like cutsey, romantic, mushy things when, if fact, I do. So that's entirely on me. Doesn't entirely take the sting away though.

I never minded him hanging out with a partner(still in the open mindset though rather than poly) so long as it never infringed on our time together. Perhaps I am just now more aware of what is going on so it feels like...an intrusion. Like when he stays over at Pixie's place(Pixie is also married and her husband is also poly with a girlfriend) until midnight but then couldn't stay up until midnight on New Years with me...or is then too tired to do anything with me the day after he is out late. It seems like it should be such a small thing and I shouldn't get my panties in a wad over it...and maybe I am overreaccting or maybe it's normal. Unfortunately most of the blogs I've read haven't had the...kindest of information with those feelings. So then it's a double whammy for feeling those feelings and then reading about how I'm a bad person because of them. Really need to dive more into that Golden Nugget thread. Found a lot more good info from here in just a couple hours than googling.

Sorry that was a massive wall of text😅 But really, thank you for the welcome. I really, really appreciate it and hope you had a safe and happy New Year!
 
Adjustments take time and we're all at different stages of our open/poly journeys. Blogs are just expressing that person's stage.

Right now, it sounds like your stage is adapting to understanding that Mr.Uni has some romantic stuff as well as the sexual stuff happening with another partner. It sounds like despite your aegosexuality, you really want to have the romantic stuff with him but currently he's expending all that energy with Pixie. I hope as you've been talking and crying this through with him, he's learning more about how to foster intimacy with you. I hope you can have chats that aren't sparked by those landmine catalysts. That can become a little exhausting for you after a while.

Since Pixie is in a poly marriage, I'm guessing that there has to be coordination and scheduling on her side, too. This is good! Something you can make work for you, too. Can you schedule a romantic date night between you and Mr.Uni regularly, too? So you don't feel like you're missing out on that type of quality time?
 
That’s a fair point. Perhaps blogs aren’t, always, the best place to go. Especially when already in a low state of mind.

Lately it’s been the land mines and, yeah, it’s been quite exhausting. More often than not we bring it up again after the dust settles and have a better, more rational conversation about it. Not always easy but sitting on those emotions doesn’t help for sure.

Admittedly we haven’t been the best about planning nice dates for us. I’d like to use the pandemic and school as an excuse but...I shouldn’t. We definitely need to make more time for that. I suppose most....ah....is it nesting(?) couples have a habit of forgetting to have dates.
 
welcome to the forum Uni. I'm fairly new to the forum and just recently realized I'm poly, but it was only in 2020 that I realized what to call it, but my interest goes back almost 20 years. back then i thought it was swinging i was interested in, but it was actually poly.

similar to your husband, I'm interested in an emotional/physical affectionate/cuddling connection to other women, but possibly different than your husband i'm not particularly interested in sex with other women.
My wife wont even give me consent to explore poly non sexually. she is very much mono mindset and add to it we have a "Christian" marriage. i have practically no real life friends that understand poly, and I think I get judged from some of our church friends that I have told of my interest.

keep checking the forum and read the posts, it has helped me to learn more about poly, and to understand what it looks like for other people.

take care.
 
I suppose most....ah....is it nesting(?) couples have a habit of forgetting to have dates.
Yeah, nesting = cohabiting, and it's super easy to forget. It's kinda one of the nice things about poly living, it reminds you to do things (regularly) other than just live together.
 
Greetings TattooedUnicorn,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like the main problem you have with your husband's poly dating is that he is catching feelings for these other women, and you didn't sign up for that, it was supposed to just be about sex. In particular, he is getting emotionally involved with Pixie. This is making you feel jealous. Here are some links on jealousy, in case it will help:
You'll work things out a little at a time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
The thing is, when you're a sexual person, a lot of the time, you need partners who are sexual.

Many people see polyamory as a way of asexual people and sexual people to bridge a gap and continue or start a relationship. And it can work that way, I'm pretty sure there are some examples on this forum. However, what I actually see most often is that a preexisting couple have a discord sexually, maybe one is asexual and one isn't. The love and respect is still very much present. The sexual partner finds a sexual partner outside the relationship with consent but then discovers that actually, they need their romantic relationships to be sexual too. Affection isn't enough. Then the couple realize that their differences do not work long term.

If I were you, I'd ask him about how he is really feeling now he has a sexual partner.
 
Wow good morning everyone! Thank you all for taking the time to say hi, offer kind words, and advice!

Hey there @3908 Thank you for the welcome:DIt's pretty astounding when you feel something but have nothing to fit it into a first and when you find out it's an insane, and sometimes awesome, revelation. Mine isn't so much for poly but for realizing I'm an aegosexual. So can totally understand that revelation.

I am sorry to hear of your struggle and I hope that you find some kind of balance with your wife one day. These forums seem to be a real blessing in a lot of ways and I'm glad you are finding some help and solace here as I have already found some.

@Evie Totally! I mean it's a shame that outside forces are sometimes needed for the reminder but it's better than just languishing in complacency! Really and truly thank you for taking the time to chat. Being able to talk has helped a lot.

@kdt26417 Hi there! Thank you for the welcome and the resources! I'd agree that jealousy is the culprit for sure and the fear of missing out aspect. Definitely will go through those links more. There's so much information here it's so awesome but almost daunting lol!
 
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