TattooedUnicorn
New member
Edit: Figured I should put this at the top because I realize my error. My screen name might be misleading. I'm not a "unicorn" as defined in the polyamory realm. I...just like unicorns and have tattoos. I've also put this in my profile description. My apologies for any confusion.
Been a while since I've done a forum intro...but here goes.
Hey all I'm TattooedUnicorn, Tats, Uni, hey you, ya know...whatever works. I feel I should apologize right off the bat. I sought out a forum for...help I suppose. Maybe a safe space to help vent and work through some issues in this new poly world I find myself in. Books and blogs have....kind of helped but I don't really have anyone to bounce thoughts off of. I suppose I should start from the beginning. It'll be far the way back machine so please bear with me.
I've always had issues in the sexual department. It had lead to a lot of....strife in relationships. Even with my husband(married for 4 years now, been together 8) I just never....I guess enjoyed sex. I felt so broken, so different. I tried all kinds of shit to try and want sex but it just never worked. So I offered that we open up our relationship(not yet marriage) because I felt like...I didn't want to lose him but didn't want to restrict his sexual appetite and, weirdly, I was super cool with that. Him, a pansexual, going off and having sex was fine in my book. It wasn't until after we were married for about a year that I finally found out what was "wrong" with me. I'm Asexual, more specifically an Aegosexual. Boom! Life made fucking sense again. Husband was totally supportive and we carried on our merry way in an open relationship...or so I thought.
I suppose I didn't...listen properly or understand. He had told me he needed that emotional connection with someone to have sex, not much of a one night stand kinda fellow. In my sparkly brain I chalked it up to just a really close friend one also bangs. With 6 years since we opened the relationship it was only now, in the unholy year of 2020, that I found out what it was that had been going on that I totally hadn't comprehended before. Rather than open we were poly. Holy schnikies batman my world was turned upside down. This discovery happened just a week before Christmas so, since it's 01JAN21 right now, it's super new and fresh.
I want to be clear that I in no way whatsoever think he had lied to me, had been cheating, nothing like that. I recognize that we had a miscommunication of astronomical proportions for 6 years. Ca-razy. So now, here I am, trying to be cool with and understand this world(and all the associated terminology) but....it's really not easy. It's so, so, super not easy especially when he currently has someone he is seeing and we just keep hitting landmine after landmine. I feel like it's my fault and I shouldn't be so...jealous, so upset over what should be no-big-deal things. But I am and I have no one to talk about it with...well except husband and we do talk about it but I'd be nice to get outside perspective too...especially from the nice folk in the community. People I know IRL are very monogamy set so it's hard to discuss this stuff with them when their mind is at a place of, "well you should just be monogamous, duh-doy." I really, truly, do want all of this to work out. For the years I thought we were open things were great (occasional rough spots but, hey, that's life) but now it's...almost daily.
So that's it in a nutshell. Again, I feel I must apologize...I feel that maybe I am not in the right spirit to join a poly forum because I feel so low about it right now. I don't disparage the poly life and truly envy people who can truly feel that compersion for their primary partner. I'm just not there yet and hope that being able to journal here and talk might help get me there.
Been a while since I've done a forum intro...but here goes.
Hey all I'm TattooedUnicorn, Tats, Uni, hey you, ya know...whatever works. I feel I should apologize right off the bat. I sought out a forum for...help I suppose. Maybe a safe space to help vent and work through some issues in this new poly world I find myself in. Books and blogs have....kind of helped but I don't really have anyone to bounce thoughts off of. I suppose I should start from the beginning. It'll be far the way back machine so please bear with me.
I've always had issues in the sexual department. It had lead to a lot of....strife in relationships. Even with my husband(married for 4 years now, been together 8) I just never....I guess enjoyed sex. I felt so broken, so different. I tried all kinds of shit to try and want sex but it just never worked. So I offered that we open up our relationship(not yet marriage) because I felt like...I didn't want to lose him but didn't want to restrict his sexual appetite and, weirdly, I was super cool with that. Him, a pansexual, going off and having sex was fine in my book. It wasn't until after we were married for about a year that I finally found out what was "wrong" with me. I'm Asexual, more specifically an Aegosexual. Boom! Life made fucking sense again. Husband was totally supportive and we carried on our merry way in an open relationship...or so I thought.
I suppose I didn't...listen properly or understand. He had told me he needed that emotional connection with someone to have sex, not much of a one night stand kinda fellow. In my sparkly brain I chalked it up to just a really close friend one also bangs. With 6 years since we opened the relationship it was only now, in the unholy year of 2020, that I found out what it was that had been going on that I totally hadn't comprehended before. Rather than open we were poly. Holy schnikies batman my world was turned upside down. This discovery happened just a week before Christmas so, since it's 01JAN21 right now, it's super new and fresh.
I want to be clear that I in no way whatsoever think he had lied to me, had been cheating, nothing like that. I recognize that we had a miscommunication of astronomical proportions for 6 years. Ca-razy. So now, here I am, trying to be cool with and understand this world(and all the associated terminology) but....it's really not easy. It's so, so, super not easy especially when he currently has someone he is seeing and we just keep hitting landmine after landmine. I feel like it's my fault and I shouldn't be so...jealous, so upset over what should be no-big-deal things. But I am and I have no one to talk about it with...well except husband and we do talk about it but I'd be nice to get outside perspective too...especially from the nice folk in the community. People I know IRL are very monogamy set so it's hard to discuss this stuff with them when their mind is at a place of, "well you should just be monogamous, duh-doy." I really, truly, do want all of this to work out. For the years I thought we were open things were great (occasional rough spots but, hey, that's life) but now it's...almost daily.
So that's it in a nutshell. Again, I feel I must apologize...I feel that maybe I am not in the right spirit to join a poly forum because I feel so low about it right now. I don't disparage the poly life and truly envy people who can truly feel that compersion for their primary partner. I'm just not there yet and hope that being able to journal here and talk might help get me there.
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