New... confused... lost

groovylicious

groovylicious

New member
Hi. I am new to a traid relantionship. She has been my bestie for years and actually introduced my boyfriend to me. We took our relationship to the physical level and it was wonderful. Having 2 people in my life that I love and that love me. Now my boyfriend and I are together every weekend and sometimes during the week well I got a new job and well the texting has slowed to trickle between me and her. Also between the boyfriend and me. When I'm with him she texts him constantly. She doesn't come around anymore so all three of us can be together. Friday I came to his place after work earlier than I was supposed to and they were in bed together. It hurt so bad. I just felt like the two people I love most betrayed me. I have been feeling very left out. I don't know if this is a normal part of adjusting to a triad type relationship. I really need someone to talk to so I can organize my thoughts so I don't come off as a jealous witch. I want them to be together but I want to be included. I have talked with my boyfriend and he tells me I'm not being pushed out. He still loves me. She tells me she still loves me. How do I let go of my insecurities. Help
 
I have a couple of questions and will try to help out some. I inferred from your post that all three of you live separately but you spend most of your free time at your boyfriends, is that right? Secondly you mention a new job. Has this changed how much free time you have? Third you mention feeling left out, is this specifically after this incident or had you been feeling that way before that? Yes it is probably normal or at least I know our little triad went through almost the exact same kind of thing in the beginning and we still have bouts of it to this day. The best way things I can offer are it is a conversation for all three of you to have together. You have to be open and honest about how you felt/are feeling. Then it is a matter of working it out so all three of you are able to get and give what you need in the relationship
 
Yes we all have separate residences. Yes all free time is spent at boyfriend's house and yes new job I work 10 to 6 monday thru Friday while they work night shift 7 days a week. No the feeling of being left out has becoming more stronger over the last month or so this incident just hit me so hard. So how do you approach this? I don't want to put limitations on anyone but at same time my heart and head are both hurting. Also how do I let go of the insecurities I have? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 
It would help to get some kind of a time frame to all this. How long have you been together with your boyfriend? When did you and your bestie start the romance / physical relationship? When did your bf and gf start their relationship?

Sounds to me that your two loves are in the middle of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and even though they might both truly love you, they are so ga ga over each other that you get left out. Also, their work schedules match better than yours, so everyone should make extra effort to find time together with you.

Do you feel you'd need more time
  • with your gf alone
  • with your bf alone or
  • the three of you all together?

How could you organize the time you need? Would a shared google calendar help you?

What are your insecurities about? To clarify that in your mind should also help.
 
OK being sure that the general overview I had was correct helps make a clearer picture. Like I said, start by getting all three of you together and sit down to talk about what is happening. Open clear communication is your best tool even if it isn't always easy. I suggest going with requests for more time of the three of you together and time with each of them individually. I know trying to work 3 schedules together is not easy but you do what you can. Just remember that they will have requests as well. A shared Google calendar is an excellent way to know when everyone can find time. Another great tool, at least for my little triad, has been Google Talk. We have a ongoing chat between the three of us. Start by being completely honest with yourself. What about it hurt more so they were together or that you didn't know about it ahead of time? I don't have any magic bullets to make you feel less insecure I can tell you I have moments of doubt still where I wonder when the other shoe will drop. The best way I've found to deal with it is to tell my partners what is going on in my head. Don't be accusatory just be honest. Be sure that they know it was how you felt/feel.
 
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Take the time to write down where your jealousy is coming from mostly so you can approach them with a good idea of what it is that you are actually feeling. Your partners love you, so I am sure they will respect how you are feeling, and that you are feeling jealous here.
Perhaps some boundaries need to be made to avoid triggering you till you can process everything that is going on and make it work for you. Also keep in mind that you are not powerless here. Your partners care about you and do not want you to martyr yourself so don't! Be extra careful to communicate everything you feel here even if it seems like overshare sometimes.

I was given a few good links on jealousy and poly stuff that I'll share with you too. I was feeling really similar when I jumped on this forum and reading everyone else's struggles and seeing the advice has helped me manage things better. My advice to you read the links, read other people's stories and the advice and do your best to work through you emotions with your partners. You are not alone, so don't think you have to stomach this by yourself!

Does anything in poly hell apply?

What about jealousy? Esp page 5 & 6?

More jealousy
 
With her I have been friends with her for about 10 years give or take a couple. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 2 years now. All three of us since last summer. All last night my boyfriend and I talked things out. I want to make sure that I am on the same page with each of them and then we are going to discuss things as a group. I think the not knowing they were together is what hurt more than them actually being together. At the beginning she would come over or they would meet up and either one of them would say hey we are meeting at such and such or we are going to hang out. Now it doesn't seem like they do that anymore. My boyfriend said I didn't know it was required to text you. Well I really don't want anything required. I don't want to limit things between them or with them and me. I just want to be included. Also I am scared. This is the first time I have felt so strongly about anyone him or her. I am scared they are going to leave me. I am scared of being hurt. I do know that I want to continue in this relantionship with both of them but I don't want to feel like this again. The google talk is an interesting thing I hadn't thought about that before. I am going to talk to her this week and then hopefully by the weekend all three of us can get a good understanding on everything. It had never been that awkward before. As far as the insecurities go I guess I just need to be more open with how I am feeling instead of dismissing it as I am just being too needy, too selfish...too whatever. Thank you all for the great advice. I am going to check out those links too. I do feel better knowing I am not the only one who feels like this.
 
You can figure this out using basic psychology. You have been with your bf much longer than you and your bf have been sexual with your gf. They want to have more sexual contact with each other because it is new and exciting. It is made very easy because you are working days and they both work nights. It is possible they feel and high level of attraction to each other and you could get pushed out. This is always a risk in poly relationships because you never really know people's deeper feelings. Most times they don't even know why they feel the way they do. It sounds as if you are taking this pretty well so far and that is good. Continue that and use this very basic never failing strategy. Win the battle with psychology. First make sure both your bf and gf know that none of this bothers you at all. Hopefully it's not to late for that and you haven't acted anxious. Try to make some time when you can be alone with your gf and alone with your bf. When you are alone with your gf be very happy and excited to be spending time with her and show her a great time. Do not talk about your bf or men at all and make her head twirl in the bedroom with some passionate love making. When you are alone with your bf do the same thing. Rock his world in bed but add this little twist. After having a great time get into a discussion with him involving poly relationships and ask him what he thinks about two men and a woman. Infer the possibility of adding a man to your poly life. Wammo this will get his attention very fast. He is very comfortable because he has two women giving him attention. Get him to start thinking about how valuable you are without saying it. I bet both of them will pay a lot more attention to you after all this.
 
^^ that seems shady. I don't like that approach at all. If my GF tried that with me I would call it quickly as a ploy to incite jealousy and try to deal with her hurt emotional state. After that though I would question her intentions since that is a very insidious and potentially damaging mentality. If your BF cares for you he doesn't need to be reminded this way. I'm sure he knows you could find another partner if you wanted one.

** edited to add - Be clear and honest with your communication. Consider how you would feel if someone tried to manipulate you out of jealousy. Always lead with an open heart, give it your all, and at least you'll know you were true to yourself.
 
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I'm sorry cowpunch but the entire world revolves around human psychology every single second of every single day whether you acknowledge it or not. I understand the response you just made because I understand psychology. It is typical. You are male and that's why you feel you would be under manipulation to form a jealous feeling, however why would you get jealous at all? Ah something was exposed here. Remember there is no room for jealousy in poly relationships and if you feel your gf talking to you about adding a man to your poly life would create jealousy in you then maybe you shouldn't be in a poly relationship even if it's you and two women. The problem here is you may be as blind to what is happening in this situation as groovylicious is. In her situation her bf and gf did not think it was necessary to keep her informed as to what they were doing when she wasn't around. THAT is the only thing here that was shady. Anyone in any kind of close relationship should care enough to do that. Most people tell their partner when they are running to the grocery store for food so spending the whole day in bed with another partner having sex you would think would be something to discuss. The whole point here is what you call manipulation is something that happens between humans every second of our lives. Is your boss manipulating you when he says don't be late for work or you will be fired? Is the government manipulating you when they say stop at the red light or get fined a hundred dollars? Reward and punishment are a part of the very fabric of our lives on every level. There is nothing wrong with it. You DO NOT get the response you want from people around you, yes even loved ones, without reward and punishment. In her position I would simply state the facts. With their work schedules the other two are bonding a lot more because she is not around and she is feeling lonely. There would be nothing wrong with her discussing the possibility of another partner with her schedule. She may end up doing it or it may INSPIRE her current partners to make more time for her. In any case your response sounded a little angry which leads me to believe you enjoy control and having an upper hand more than you enjoy equality.
 
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Thank you again for all the responses. I do feel better a little ...at least this isn't all consuming at the moment. I am going to be try to be as open as possible. They aren't in my head they don't know how or what I am feeling unless I make it known and if it doesn't work out (i will be heartbroken) but I ll know I tried and it wasn't in the cards, or fate, or wasn't ment to be. *sigh* It is frightening to put yourself out there, lay everything out on the table.
 
I agree with cowpunch. There is a pretty big difference between actually wanting another partner and expressing that desire to your partners and SAYING you want another partner only to get a reaction from your current partners. The end result may be the same, but the intent is very different. One is honest communication, and one is manipulation.

groovylicious, I think you have the right idea, tell them honestly where you are emotionally and trust them to help you through it.
 
Jimmyfun said:
Naivety is not a bad quality until you get hurt :)
Click to expand...

At my age, I haven't been called naive in a lot of years, lol, it's cute.

If you want to lie and manipulate your way through your life, you go ahead and do that, just don't promote it to others as 'the one true way'. Because it isn't. I don't need to do that. I've always had results I'm happier with using honesty and open communication.
 
A2poly I think you have misunderstood something because on both accounts you have misjudged. First I am a man so I never have to lie to or manipulate anyone. I am the most honest and straightforward person I know. Most of my family is the same way. I understand when people feel they need to use manipulation and I simply am never in that position. Second I never once recommended to anyone that they lie or use manipulation either. That is simply the perception you and cowpuncher have. Remember if your perception says something that I did not intend it may say something about how you see people more than it says about my advice. What I recommended was simply something that would go through anyone's mind and what's wrong with speaking openly to a person you are intimate with. Have you ever thought about different relationship scenarios? I bet you have thought of every possible one at least for a minute or two right? Is there a problem with you talking with your intimate partner about all that? I am sure groovylicious at one time consider being intimate with another man is it wrong for her to consider it or talk with her partner about it? I think you can learn a lot about someone's intentions by their responses. If his response was similar to cowpunchers response it would show selfishness and manipulation on HIS part not hers. I believe when people accuse someone of manipulation during open discussion and an exchange of ideas it shows a character flaw in the accuser.
 
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Groovy, I know things have strayed a little in the conversation but I'd like to help if I can. I know that it can be extremely overwhelming especially in the beginning. I personally keep in mind the idea that all the communication needed to keep a mono relationship going is tripled in a triad. Just that many new things that have to be dealt with. Let us know how the conversations go and let us know if there is anything more we can help with.
 
@jimmyfun You talk a lot of natural consequences, but that is not the scenario you described. Creating a fake consequence so that you can tailor your situation is manipulative. Also, I do not believe there is "no room for jealousy" If you are a student of psych you should understand that jealousy is a normal emotional state, and one that should be addressed not ignored as though it does not exist.

The way you tried to spin my response for insisting on honesty and clarity in relationships was scary. You ascribed manipulation and jealousy to me for simply trying to be open about emotional states, that is a dangerous habit. This thread is not about you and I though so please stop attempting to analyze me or my intentions.

** edited to add
". First I am a man so I never have to lie to or manipulate anyone" What?! This comes off misogynistic, I really hope this was a typo or something...
 
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Cowpuncher you are entitled to your opinion and you can believe what you want but you don't understand the human mind very well. That being said let's agree to disagree and let groovy decide how she will handle her missteps.
 
Hi groovylicious, welcome to polyamory and the board!

I am sorry a new member like Jimmyfun is here on a newbie's thread. I feel his posts are agenda-pushing and off-putting. They do not reflect the general guidelines most experienced polyamorous people find works for them.

I agree with the other posters that your bf and gf are in NRE (despite having known each other before you knew bf).

I am thinking gf joined you and bf in 3some sex rather spontaneously after you told her how happy you were she introduced you two, and then they got curious and felt a spark and you all acted on it?

Now, a few months have gone by and they have grown closer, probably mostly because you got a new day job and they both work nights.

They probably thought things had progressed with the three of you to the point where you didn't need to be informed about every time they were together. But you were taken aback when you came to bf's place unexpectedly and found them in bed together.

Hopefully, they are both sensitive to the pickle you are finding yourself in. Sure, you all love each other, but you are feeling left out, and now even wondering if they aren't getting together without you not just because of matching work schedules, but really because they prefer each other, and are both getting ready to dump you and be mono with each other.

Work on that schedule so you get your share of quality time, dates, sex, and emphasize how it is incumbent on them to not get so crazy with NRE that they treat you insensitively and rudely. I've had that happen to me with male lovers more than once, and it hurts like the dickens.
 
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