New - Excited, scared, jealous, confused

C

ChillySupport

New member
Hi everyone! I read the "must read" before posting this but please let me know if anything should be posted elsewhere. I'm Joe. I'm 26. I'm an auto mechanic. I like videogames and slow pitch softball with my girlfriend on the weekends. :) So I have been with said girlfriend for about 3 years now and I love this girl to death. We met under a somewhat difficult circumstance. We were both very vulnerable. Our relationship has survived a lot of mess over the short couple years and we are now at sort of an "impasse." This is the reason I'm looking for some wisdom on this forum. About a year ago she brought up the idea of polyamory to me. We have a very good level of communication regarding all issues between us so we "talked it out." Her feelings... My feelings... You know. She is a very fun friendly flirty open confident person (why I was instantly attracted to her) and there have been some issues with me being jealous in the past. I am usually very comfortable in my own skin and confident as a person, at my job, in relationships, with sports... Everything. But when it comes to my girlfriend and another partner... I get very jealous. As I was saying... We talked about polyamory and I just couldn't get past "sharing" her with someone else. Also sorry if I don't use the right words for this kind of relationship... I know nothing about this. Our last conversation ended with putting the idea aside and continuing with our relationship. That's the back story. So a week ago it came up again... And I agreed to it. She had been texting, flirting with an old friend that popped back up on Instagram not too long ago. I agreed to nothing physical between them but I'm wondering if I shouldn't be putting restrictions on this or what to do with how uncomfortable I am or how to feel or what to say or anything. I also think that I feel jealous because I don't have someone else to "be with" while she has this other guy. Is that selfish or am I forcing something to be "fair." We have had a threesome with her best girlfriend and a foursome with a couple that are our mutual friends. Both of those were a lot of fun but felt awkward for me seeing my girlfriend with another person (people). I want so desperately to feel comfortable with all this so I can keep the woman I love but still allow her get the fulfillment she wants from a poly relationship. I don't know if I need to just wait and slowly get more comfortable with everything or what. Thank you so much for anyone who takes time to read all this. And please... Any input, advice, wisdom, tough love, suggestions, etc will help.
 
Hi

Welcome to the Forum!
Well Joe.. You could spend sometime finding a distraction for that day
Find a new date on line or whenever
Spend time with a friend of yours
Spend that time with one of your threesome/foursome lady's if available...
Have your girlfriend wait till you do find a proper distraction.

Last but not least....Joe, don't agree to it if you're not ready! Make sure to take time to Personally ponder what you want and what your direction here needs to be.
And use that as a starting place for negotiation ... negotiate what you can and can't do... For you and your girl!
 
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Thank you for the reply. I think I'll look for a distraction for now. She keeps saying her relationship with this other guy is "not a big deal" so it's hard to talk out my feelings. This forum and everyone here should be a good outlet. Already helped getting all this stuff off my chest to someone else.
 
Yeah.. Great place to let it out for sure

Read up...relax and enjoy the place! It's an awesome resource.
Jealousy is a " bitch" of a feeling if you don't know how to deal with it!

Have you and your lady visited a therapist or counselor together or individually?
It's a good practice if easily available for you.
 
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I actually brought up counseling and she's all for it. I have plenty of those resources due to programs I've been through. Thank you for solidifying that as a good option for us.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Let's call her "Jane" because I have a hard time without names. (If you change it to something else, I am happy to go with what you pick.)

Whether or not you go to counseling... ask yourself this question:

"Is this just not my cup of tea? Group sex? Poly? Because MY fav way of relating is 1:1? Me and my GF and that is it? I just plain don't like having to "share" my GF? I enjoy it being just us?"​

If so? You may have to come to accept that dating Jane has been wonderful and lovely, and you love her a lot. But it tuns out you guys are not deeply compatible after all. And she is not the GF for you.

It was a good long dating run, but nope. Not a deep match for long haul.

She wants to group sex, poly and so on because that is HER fav way of relating. And you prefer 1:1, no extra people as your fav way. Neither way is wrong. Just that they do not line up. Nobody's fault.

I want so desperately to feel comfortable with all this so I can keep the woman I love but still allow her get the fulfillment she wants from a poly relationship.
Click to expand...

Why desperate? Where is she going?:confused: You can still talk, hang out, care about each other even if you stop dating.

"Keep the woman" sounds like you approach relationships as things you have or don't have. Rather than things you participating in. Perhaps viewing relationships as participatory helps you ease the fear of loss.

One way to get comfortable? Is to be willing to change how you participate in relationship together.

Could stop participating in a "BF/GF" relationship shape with Jane and change the relationship shape to "friends" with Jane shape.

  • Then you can be comfortable. No more stress or awkward.
  • You can also date to seek a partner who would LOVE to be your GF in a 1:1 relationship shape.

[*]You can still love Jane as a good ex and friend. Hang out, talk, etc.

[*]And Jane can still seek whatever fullfullment she wants from poly relationships.

It's a soul searching question. But think it over seriously. Don't run around the whole Universe avoiding doing this thinking. Or throwing money away on expensive counseling to avoid doing this thinking.

If that's the deep down bottom line and you know it already? Be honest with yourself, Jane, and put all cards on the table.

If it is NOT that... and more like you are up for poly but lack some skills? Well, then go ahead and try counseling to gain more emotional management skills to "do poly" since you are up for it.

It's not like poly people never get jealous or envious. They do. There can be a lot of emotional up and down when doing an intense relationship style like poly. More people = more feelings, more happys, more sads, more mads, more scared... just MORE. So good emotional management skills are important to have in the toolbox.

Some people have the skills but still give poly a pass because they don't like "intense" like that. Or they don't want to be "processing" all the time. They know themselves and what they like, what they are and are not up for.

So I encourage you to know your own self, and articulate what you are and are not up for. Don't be bending yourself into pretzels. If you have to be doing that? You know you are in the wrong relationship shape.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings Joe,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are struggling with some jealousy at this time. There's nothing wrong with that, jealousy can bear some important messages for you. So you might want someone else to be with while your girlfriend has this other guy. Have you tried OKCupid? What about getting out there socially, such as for a social group that is based on one of your hobbies? You might be able to get acquainted with people as friend, and then maybe something more will grow out of it.

Just some thoughts. ;)
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Joe,

If you haven't done so already, I think both you and your girlfriend should do some reading about polyamory in general, and about dealing with jealousy specifically. (The website More Than Two has some good stuff on this.) Jealousy tends to be a manifestation of one of a number of other emotions (fear, envy, etc.) and can often be worked through. You need to figure out in more detail what is triggering your jealousy and what you need from your partner to feel more secure, and communicate that. She needs to make an effort to give you what you tell her you need.

Therapists can be great, but many of them are unfamiliar with poly and will tell you the answer is to go back to monogamy. It sounds like that won't work for your girlfriend, though, and you're at least open to trying a poly relationship style, so you need a therapist who will help you try to work through your jealousy and also help you fairly evaluate whether, as GalaGirl says, this relationship style is just not for you.

Good luck!
 
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