New Here and need some advice...serious readers


New member
(long story sorry) part 1

I usually know what to do when it comes to a lot of things especially relationships due to the things I have went through throughout my life growing up...
even my mom comes to me for advice including her friends. For starters I am single at the moment(ig) and I went through a break up to the point where I don't really feel like trying for another after this one if it turns out bad. just done.

after a break up I met a big group of child hood friends on discord. around my age, male & females (couples and singles), different states and gamers. my type of people, I never had friends growing up my entire life in school EVER. so I am grateful for them. I slowly met everyone (still waiting to meet the rest), and this one guy I noticed more out of everyone in the photo was very attractive to me. sooner than later I met him (just discord) and we slowly started to hangout more and more. went from discord call, to dm discord call, to iMessages, to FaceTime. I was attractive to him too and I don't know how but we started to show that towards each other. while he's treating like TREATING $$$ me nicely and when I need help without ever asking I am dealing with stuff at home. starvation, homelessness, no income, and no help etc etc. he was the help I never asked for but died crying for. so I am really blessed to even know him in my life. I'm not the type of person to tell my problems unless I've been holding it in so much for so long and my barrier breaks. that's what happened...I have been dealing with stuff for sooo long and still is that I forgot to do my monthly dose of crying. I haven't cried since I was 18 and that is too long for me. he heard me, listened to me, comfort me, insisted to help, and did. yeah we had moments where one of us disrespected each other without knowing and we spoke up all the time. it was nothing major just you know " hey I feel a lil weird about letting that be said without saying anything". just awareness of how certain things affect us so we won't get the wrong idea.
Then....he casually tells me he's polyamorous and tells me not to tell anyone because no one knows but me and one guy friend (because they are like twins, same personality and similar actions, he trust more than anyone he explains). I know I know...why not say anything even though yeah its trust but wouldn't his friends know? They don't, nor his family, just me and his friend. I mean I'm not complaining and I am a very trustworthy person. buuuuuuut while we are having fun and before he even tells me this months before..I find out he has a girl that he has been dating for almost 4 years now. it pissed me off, made me mad but we were just friends and I was like oh well single it is. yeah well months later to him telling me his secret we are not just friends and he made me realize that too. I didn't think he would consider me as anything so I was surprised because he mentioned it when we had a misunderstanding.

my situation at home got even more toxic and I had to leave so I moved to their area and I mean all of them is in the same area. I have friends actual friends..its amazing. anyways I felt guilt because-- going back on him telling me his secret I ask does she know? No...she does not (a moment of silence for eternity). I am instantly like wt..f? why? but I didn't say that to him I said "am I allowed to ask why?". he said which he explained before--his past relationships were hell and the person he is now is way better than the past him. the females had him changing for them and he just had a short temper where he would do anything. let me give you a hint of his old personality by saying where he's from..."Atlanta, GA". Mhm. sink it in. If you know you know. I'm not upset or anything when I found out she doesn't know just disappointed?? because the past can really mess the future up man. "I haven't been able to obtained enough trust to know she's serious about being with me and I want to make sure she is before I tell her. but It is also a fear of mines that I try to hide from everyone and I wish I didn't have to but the things I went through with these other girls--" he goes on saying. so hearing this I understood and I support honestly everything but the wrong thing. I didn't see anything wrong BUT I did tell him..your going to have to tell her eventually because what if you feel incomplete because you hadn't tell her. I don't know how this works for people in his position and I have researched it up based off of other peoples situations to understand more and it honestly sounds so similar to being transgender and not being able to actually being your true self and comfortable about it. I don't mean to offend anyone but that's the easiest way for me to understand and it sounds like emotional hell. I had no idea it was that difficult for you all but now I am experiencing it myself...

I am in Atlanta. Around everyone, including him..and her now...
he hung out with me and the second time we did. I just couldn't hear my thoughts anymore. the fact that I am out here and now I can physically touch him made me think about her. I am a very very verrrry considerate, kind, overthinking, trusting person. I am aware of my weaknesses, strengths, bad side and good side. I couldn't ignore the fact that he was being more romantic and she's at work 20-30 minutes away from us. I never want to hurt anyone and nor do I want to be seen as someone I am not. not saying that he is but I hate cheaters, I will not create a cheater and I will not ever be a cheater myself. I haven't lied in so long since I was 13 I would say and I do not plan on lying anymore. it is hard for me to speak about serious stuff like this with whatever relationship I am in but communication is key. it builds trust and so many other things. I try very hard to not go overboard with my actions. self control we both have surprisngly. I told him while we were hanging out that he should think about telling her soon. I simply said because if I was her I would want to know everything about my partner at the very beginning and ongoing. neither do I think it is a good idea to wait it out because she's going to get so comfortable and when you finally tell her she won't take it well because you waited 10 years. 10 years of thinking this is who you are when this is who you really are. 10 years of thinking I know you fully and she'll feel like she couldn't be trusted or she wasn't enough. I don't want to hurt her or you or be seen as something evil to her. he understood and he asked me what if she says no...\ 0_0 / I don't know either we just set boundaries or its up to you. I don't know (even though I want to say I don't care we'll still do it). he was hurt a bit but he was grateful that I made him aware of it. he's pretty sensitive emotionally and I felt the same way. I cried because smh my life is insane. so many difficult things I've been through I don't plan on losing another light out of my life. I don't have the that much strength anymore. so its been about 3 or 4 months since I've been here and its going by fast. he said he'll tell her soon but the fear is so strong I can see it.


New member
Part 2

I met her and I even slept over multiple times because I have a bitchy roommate who harasses me and my other roommates every week about me not having a job (she needs actual help). him and his girl went shopping with me and grocery shopping--we did everything together. it feels amazing and I can see the smile in his soul but I can also see the torture he is going through because he can't interact with me the same way he does with her. all he could do is help me find the right size bra and underwear. after all this time you would think she is poly too (she is bi) because woah were all looking for my size and she helped me change my clothes when I was drunk without an issue or hesitation. weirdly interesting. it hurts seeing the look in his eyes and when I am here at their place I always feel jealous or left out so I give them space. it eventually feels like I am in the way so I remove my energy so she won't feel it. they always come up and ask if im okay and I lie saying yes( he feels I am lying even if I was not around he'll text me knowing somethings wrong). I honestly don't think I matter at all or my feelings in this situation. but them asking me and especially her-- if I am okay makes me feel a bit better and I cry that she cares but god. it's so difficult. because they would always have a trip and he'll always go ghost so I feel some type of way. not important. but its not like he can text anyways because he's spending time with her and her family or his family(even though know he can still text). but I wish I was there. he comes home saying he's home.. still ghost and then when he's down emotionally he doesn't tell me (that's how he copes with it) and tells me two days later. he knows I hate that but I don't complain. everyone needs me time.

just waiting for a reply, call, anything is making it hard. he's not here, near and the worse part he's planning on moving into a house with her. she wants to move far and he doesn't. so im scared of losing them and I told him 2 weeks ago how I don't want to lose them and eventually being apart of their life and the life they may create etc etc. I didn't get any response about it but I wasn't expecting to because it was 11pm and I just wanted to be heard and he heard me. I also told him to take his time thinking.
I always look away when they kiss, hug, horse play just anything if their not just sitting down calmly. I don't want to get jealous by looking but I do want the same thing she is getting and I also want to give her the same in return. oh she is beautiful too it shocks me out of the blue because there's moments where I notice and I can't help it but I would tell her and I want to stare but I don't want to weird her out. I cook, clean, walk the dog, feed her, ask if she's okay and the same for him, etc. that's all I can do...

don't get me wrong I am a very patient person...just hate how I am always ...I can't find the word but its about the person I am.

But...I will wait. once I am attracted to one person I am no longer attracted to any one else. its like no one else exist. that's a lot of trust my ex had.


New member
Can I ask if you're sexually intimate with this guy?
Like I said we make sure we don't go over board with our actions. the only thing we ever did was sleep/nap together, hug, and kiss. I did give him a hand job (I forgot), he stopped on me because he knew we would continue. so I really wouldn't say we are.

When I know he wants to do something even with her there he's distancing himself to see us both and (either to enjoy seeing us together or >>>) goes in deep thought then start stressing out and were like asking if he's okay. we all eat together when I'm sleeping over. he's in the middle of course. either he cooks or I cook (she can't cook) and we pretty much hang out and laugh, play games, etc. me and the girl do bond on our own time.


New member
Okay basically my guess is that the dude knows she isn't into open relationships in any way and he will never tell her anything. Meanwhile he will enjoy secret stolen moments with you.
well he's not the type to do that given the things he's been through and if you had met his mother including friends the things they say about him is the same things he told me before we got passed being more than friends. especially since he told me I don't have to wait for him. he won't hold me against my will if I want to leave and he doesn't want to have me waiting if I do or make me feel like I can't (he told me this when he basically asked me out but that he would have to get the courage to tell her and it requires me waiting a bit). I personally wouldn't let anyone do that to me and i'm good at reading people. I do mention the fact that he actually doesn't know if she is or not. when I met him he made me aware that as long as I don't hurt him he won't hurt me and after knowing him for a while ---I don't know how to make you understand but when you know someone, you know them (like similar to if you know, you know. its a very strong gut feeling which is apart of how I read others). everything he said and did was never about him, and if you had met him you would see what I mean.

it is really hard to explain to others how easy it is for me to read others and the type of person some one is. I am always overthinking and aware of the unexpected. I went through a lot at a very young age, an age no one should experience such things so soon and that is mainly why I am good at reading people. it saved me all the time which is why I never had friends growing up.

I feel like if I had started from the very beginning you would see that's not his intention.
if I were to tell him off all the negative things I may think about him (basically put words in his mouth) he would instantly be like woah woah that's not me and if you feel that way even after what I said-- so on so forth he'll let me go and that's for anyone including her.


Active member
Honestly, this is just pure speculation.

I think she likely believes you're a destitute friend from online that he's helping out of a tough situation. She has no idea that he would be sexually interested in you because he speaks of you as a victim. Someone they can both "save" as a couple.

He doesn't mind letting you go because he isn't seeking to like hold someone hostage. He isn't that type of malicious. But he doesn't mind your flattering attention (and the odd handjob) to delude himself that he isn't cheating and isn't exploiting you. He's made it clear you can leave this arrangement at any time. He's covering his ass.

He probably is a nice, funny, sweet guy in a lot of ways, but my life experience tells me that he's taking advantage of two women here who think the best of him.

A lot of people will say that view of him is too charitable.
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Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Kenstin,

If he is planning on moving into a house with her, I'd say things between him and her are pretty serious. Serious enough for him to admit to her that he wants to be poly, and that he is interested in you. It is time for him to tell her. I know he is scared, but courage does not mean you aren't scared, it means you do the right thing anyway.

As long as you are kept a secret from her, you will be a second-class citizen in his life, and you may lose him altogether if he moves far away like she wants him to do. In the meantime, you will have to hide your feelings for him when she's around (and she will be around a lot), and he will have to hide his feelings for you. You have to decide if this situation is okay with you, and how long it will be okay.

Maybe the thing to do is to sit down with both of them, and confess to both of them openly that you want to be romantically involved with both of them. Get that much out on the table at least. Then it's up to him to decide whether to openly confess his poly feelings. This is something you would do if you didn't want to wait any longer.

Sorry you are going through this difficult situation.
Kevin T.